This is definitely a film I would never, EVER see in the theatre or own on DVD.

2:42- I didn’t talk about sex or saw anything about sex until I was in high school. I wonder if this film was written by someone who lost his virginity when he started in middle school.

Not only do I feel like I’m going to Hell. I feel like I’m going to be put on notice for seeing any footage of this movie.

6:54- No, you are future prisoners.

8:52- I really need to see “The Abyss” from start to finish.

13:11- You make a hell of a good point there, Doug. Why in the name of all that is holy does this film have a 5.3 out of 10 star rating on IMDB when it should be lower that that? Brad Jones’ “Hooker with a Heart of Gold” makes more goddamn sense that this, and that mini-series was pretty well done.

I DO agree that this film might take place in the same universe as "The Room."

You are in a very tiny minority, speedyeric. Unless you are in a religious private school or you opt out, most kids get some form of sex ed by 5th grade. That education continues through middle school and is usually done by high school. In addition, most kids talk about sex and the opposite sex and share things they learned from media and older siblings. I know I took part in this, and I was fairly sheltered as a kid.

Agreed!

I went to both private and public schools and the sex ed started around 5th Grade.

However, there's something just inherently creepy about the way the film treats all the scenarios in this world.

The teacher's "extreme" disappointment about a nine year-old's "complete lack of understanding" about the female reproductive system and cycles struck me as awkward and out of place. And what teacher assigns an oral presentation on the subject? I never saw that in either private or public schools for the very OBVIOUS reason that you don't want 9 year-olds talking about sex in a speech! That's a recipe for disaster in any classroom when you have a pack of sugar addled middle schooler hyenas!

That, and there's just something creepy about the three kids -- the youngest in particular. I mean, the youngest knows what a diaphragm is, but doesn't know jack-shit about sex ed? HUH?

And yes, we've all been there as kids, but I've never been so sex obsessed at any age to wander the streets of Cincinnati on my dirtbike and find some possibly STD riddled prostitute with my spare change just because I want to see a chick naked!

The film just makes these kids pure, bat-shit crazy perverts... and tries to pawn it off as cute.

Not a fan.

But hilarious to watch in a train-wreck sort of way.

Robert Walker, CCO Channel Awesome

That was the conclusion I drew in the end. This movie is horrible, nonsensical, and disturbing in the way it handles a subject matter that already manages to be disturbing but I would probably get a laugh out of it due to its train-wreck value.

Sadly, though, I did know a couple of guys who acted like this in high school and the community we lived in was VERY conservative. Needless to say, it was a relief to finally graduate.

From what I remember, I thought it was kinda cute, but I'm not American so maybe that might have something to do with it; you know, a less conservative vision on sex and nudity and the like.

Really?

You know, not every single American has a repressed attitude towards sexuality. The problem with this movie is not that it has kids thinking and being aware of sexuality; there are plenty of movies that have done that well, whether they are discussing sex or looking at a gentlemen's magazine when their parents aren't looking. The main point here is that, in those cases, it is not the primary focus of the film.
No, the problem with this film is that it is profoundly fucked up. Three eleven year olds palling around with a prostitute, and they pay her to expose herself to them? It's not like they're sixteen, which is the age of consent in some parts of the US and Canada; people could have excepted that. But when the kids are still too young to shave, and are paying a woman to expose herself to them, it's awkward, and not at all "cute".

Oh, and the kids boomerang between intelligence levels, they don't know what a fucking eyelash curler is, but they have a pretty good idea of what sex is (they do watch porn, after all)? They simultaneously know too much and too little, with little common sense in between them. The school also has *male* students do reports on the female anatomy, an assignment issued by the stupidest teacher in the world? And when he actually does do the assignment, it leads to one of the most pointlessly moronic scenes in cinema?
Not only is this movie uncomfortable to watch, it's fucking stupid. Face it: this is the kind of movie that was green-lit while the producers had just done a few lines of coke.

What's really strange is that I just happened to see The Babysitter last night, executively produced by Joel Schumacher, rated R for nudity and erotic... stuff. There was barely a plot, a third of the movie was just the characters' dirty fantasies about the main character, and it was still better than this movie by far! At least the characters were somewhat realistic.

I learned about both reproductive systems in detail in sixth grade, which is elementary school is some places. I could believe a kid having to know the opposite sex's anatomy.

Well, yeah, but not in as much detail as this kid had to. Also, the way his teacher said that his knowledge of a girl's/woman's vagina was lacking, was pretty uncomfortable.

LMAO!! @ 15:15, I JUST watched "THe Room" vid before this!!! SOO BAAD!

WOW!!! BEST CONNECTION TO UNRELATED SOURCE EVER!!! Jesse, Joey, and Danny... yeah... XD!!!

"That is bad, very, very, bad...." Hmmm... she's describing the movie, and the catchphrase itself at the same time!!!

Sort of movie that makes you really wonder who put up the money for it... yeah...

I was about 6th or 7th grade I got sex ed, so yeah, agreed.

Although, I definitely agree this is in continuity with the Room xD

All I learned in 5 and 6th grade was that boys have penis, girls have vaginas, those together poof make a baby, and it's okay to have fucking cramps and bleed out of said vagina every few months because the boys are going few similar issues...

it was my senior year of highschool that they actually taught us about condoms and Stds...

in 7th grade we watched a film called the Miracle of life... and in the end I learned most of sex ed from my mom

but it is kind of sad that I got the really awesome program... only when most of the students in it had probably all ready had sex.

Yeah seriously, we had it like that too, where we learned about that stuff fairly early on so it wasn't weird by the time we got to high school. Although, considering my teacher on the subject was a wife-beater... er. Well, we still learned it. Even if he was a creeper. Huh. Good thing he had to leave when the part for females was being taught.

Deadly Sinner, I'm not saying this because I didn't know about the whole "sex" thing at the time, but I'm serious... that was not taught in school until 9th grade for me. So you're wrong about there being a "tiny minority". Just because you experienced it differently doesn't mean everyone did.

And by the way, it was public school. Not a single mentioning of sex in school until 9th grade, and it was over in 9th grade too. They just had a whole class, required to be taken, for a semester, which is called "health class", and deals with multiple subjects, one of them being reproduction. And 9th grade where I live is High School (I know for a fact that regions completely change how school functions for people, such as high school starting in 10th grade and being 3 years long, etc).

I remember actually having a choice whether or not to take the class. I had to get my parents to sign a permission slip. I have a friend who came from a Catholic, upper-middle class family, and she was in middle school when she learned what being pregnant means.
She and I were watching the first Rugrats movie, and when we saw Tommy's mother with a pregnant belly, my friend asked why she looked like that. I said, "She's pregnant," and she said, "What does that mean?" and all I could think to say was "It means she's having a baby."

Maybe Hawaii has a different system, but I didn't get "official" SexEd until 7th grade. Still, I know I cracked my share of sex jokes by the time I learned how it all worked.

Still, I gotta say these kids' knowledge on the subject is very inconsistent throughout the movie. I'm pretty sure the leather jacket kid was supposed to be seen as a "ladies' man," but for some reason he didn't know any more than the other two.

All in all, these kids seem like they need to have a long talk with their parents on the subject, but their parents are too busy saving some kind of wetland (which was apparently not in the movie's budget, so they filmed a muddy area of normal grass) to do it.

Actually I went to Catholic school and we did get sex ed starting in 4th grade.

True, I didn't know much about sex till high school, but I purposefully made myself not retain any information taught to me, cause I saw how annoying the fucking girls who wouldn't shut up about it was, and didn't want to be like them. ...Of course now I go to 16+ con where burlesque and musicians are the hightlights finding people who AREN'T annoying about the subject. Like the kids in this movie.

Gawd bless the 90's.

I usually spent those lessons doodling in the corner. Also, you missed a Katy Perry joke Doug.

I just ROTFL at the title card of a kid!Critic with a prostitute and a piggy bank that is just hilarious.



I hate to sound like a sheep, but I really must agree with the rest of the people here how uncomfortably terrible the premise of this movie is. Espically the first act when the kids take all these steps to see a naked woman and thier hardcore focus on sex. Usually from my experience there is always a childhood psychological trauma associated to this kind of degree of couriousity the boys are exibiting. I mean, yeah I can see how the kids are courious, but that boy was reading Cosmo right in front of his dad!

Unless we are going to have those inattentive dad cliches that kid should have had that snatched away from him.

Ha you haven't talked to enough people growing up in school. Most of us knew just about all the basics by the time we hit fifth grade. And hell some kids have experiences when they are significantly younger with peers that I was friends with and a few girlfriends I had. Where do you think "playing doctor" or the jokes people make regarding "the kid you experimented with at summer camp." come from?

wow i don't believe you at all

on the subject he didnt say that in the reference credits. im suprised that those kids in the class took the hooker so well. when i was in 5th grade we had a lesson on this and all kids were screaming in discus. they were around the same grade and she was stripping down and nothing.

you know whats desterbing.this is a kids movie. all the kids that watched this will be messed up for the rest of there life

I find your spelling to be disturbing.

Your picture's kind of disturbing. It looks like someone's rear. Is it? If it's not, I'm sorry. My mind's in the gutter.

well ronin whats the larger problem a movie were kids pay prustitutes or my miner spelling problems. its because of my laptop its a very tiny pc and you need to realy force the keys , and yes his picture is a butt.

OMG did they really make a movie about a kids wants to meet a prustitute

great review critic

Oh god, I remember this movie. It was quite literally my introduction to the concept of prostitution.

I haven't seen the review just yet, but I can't imagine it being anything other than stellar.

Holy Christ!...I think this is the most I have ever face palmed during a review (cause of the movie, not you Doug). Like you said, this movie isn't funny or cute in the slightest..

Of course the head mobster recognized the car easier than he recognized V.

Cars can't wear sunglasses.

Damn I was going to say the same thing, bastard!

Hey NC do you and the rest of the TGWTG gang ever think you'll review a movie again and make it a cult classic like the Room? Are you scared there might be midnight showings of Milk Money at conventions? Or Titanic cartoon marathons?

I think the reason he didn't recognize V is because she was wearing a nice, floral dress and her hair in braids. Not really the ideal look for a prostitute.

Dear Mom,
Thank you so much for not letting me watch this movie.
Ever.

Love,
Your Daughter

Amen sister. I'm also thankful as well. Instead my mom let me watch Pretty Woman when I was a kid, which is a far better film that involved a hooker.

Wow, it's been AGES since I even thought about this movie...

Seen it in Highschool, truly an embarrassing experience...

Saw it, with my mother no less.


It was disturbing... looks like a boob.

why make a movie like this? what could a studio posibly gain from children hanging around a prostitute

Never seen this movie and never will. Thanks Critic from saving me from this torture.

a great review like always critic.

I've never heard of this movie, and I'm glad I did

This movie is wrong, very VERY WRONG!

Love the Clockwork Orange reference

ditto ^_^

Right? I was yelling at the screen when McDowell showed up, basically saying "what is wrong with you? why are you in so many shitty movies? YOU WERE IN CLOCKWORK ORANGE!" And then, poof! reference!

I loved the Batman Returns reference.

Phew, well. this movie is the most uncomfortable movie ever. Why would someone make a movie of this. It's as even worse as North.

Melanie Griffith is... V FOR VENDETTA!

Well, that would probably make that movie really awkward, but still..

I was reading some of the comments on your Blip page about this review. People don't know funny if it hit them in the face with a Wikipedia definition. Troll is a troll, I guess.

I thought this review was hilarious. I seriously rofl'd my ass off because it was that awesome.

Dear god just when I had thought I had already seen the worse moives out there...another one even worse appears. I can't even begin to fathom how anyone could think of shit like this.

And you are right Doug.

"This moive should go to hell...it should go to hell and DIE!"

And thank you for sending it to hell. *Claps*

Great job Crittic looking forward to next week.

this is the creepyest movie i have ever seen in the world

I remember watching parts of this movie on TBS and yet I wonder why. When seeing the commercials for this film, I though it sounded like some generic romantic comedy. This is probably one of the creepiest films I've ever seen. A boy meeting a prostitute and getting into awkward situations. Seriously, who greenlighted something like this. Great Review. And I love the Play by Play of the Prostitute in the class scene.

Aprently the coke filled production companies fromt he 70s an 80s lasted a bit into the early 90s!?

I remember Siskel & Ebert having a cow when this came out. They posted the very wise question, "Who was the intended audience for this movie?"

After the last line, I had to catch my breath. That line is so generic that a hurricane of unoriginality went through my brain as it was uttered. I would have insulted it instantly, but my mind was left in an implosion of any of my creativity, and thus formed a black of hole that sucked out any consciousness from my being. I think I now need a support group to regain any shred of a legitimate thought.

I am so sorry. So sorry you sat through this once and then had to re-watch to gather all the clips.

It's over now. You're safe.

Something inside me just died when I saw the review. :(

Me too, you are not alone....

It's like a cross between a soft core porn and a family movie......THAT NEVER SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN MADE.

What the fuck was the studio thinking when they green lit this?

At 14:32, I felt like I was reading a porn manga.

"Take off your pants."
"Why?"
"In my experience, men are better listeners when they're not wearing pants."

Riiight.

Whoah, this movie is terribly awkward and hellworthy. At least the Critic has some form of knowing when enough is enough. Respect where it's due, man.

Malcolm McDowell should seriously fire his agent. I don't know why all these acclaimed UK actors like him, Sean Connery, Patrick Stewart, and Ben Kingsley get stuck doing such terrible films.

In McDowell's case, I guess starring In Caligula really was a career killer. Hey, it's the only theory I've got.

I can see why I never heard of this before and I'm glad of that fact. I almost didn't finish this review because this movie just looks so awful.

That devil part scared me

Totally unnecessary jump-scare.

Ah, another classic movie in which a group of kids helps out and makes friends with an adult who just doesn't fit into normal society. Only this time instead of a genie, a mummy, or an advanced computer program, the adult is a prostitute! Yay!

I think I've seen too many creepy things lately to be as disturbed at this movie as I should be.

I agree. I keep looking at these different scenes and telling myself, "That's creepy. You know that's creepy. You can think of numerous different explanations as to why its creepy and yet you are laughing."

I'm with you. The whole time I was thinking, "I really shouldn't find this funny. The Critic doesn't, and apparently the majority of the commentators doesn't. My COMMON SENSE AND MORALS are telling me why I shouldn't find this funny. But the premise is just so audacious that I just can't look at this in a serious light. I think this is just sick enough for me to watch for a good laugh."

I think that's kind of the point in its enjoyability. What's going on is so ludicris and over the top that you can't really think of it as happening in real life, where seeing this stuff happen would horrify you, but rather in its own goofy little world.

Ludacris or ludicrous?

Cool picture, by the way.

Clearly he means the rapper. =P

RandomVille??? THat's Pittsburgh, Critic!!

Indeed it is Pittsburgh. That skyline shot was immediately recognizable for me—I went to college in the Iron City, and went to the lookouts on Mt. Washington several times. PPG Place is especially prominent in that view (it's the big glass castle-like tower with pointy corner turrets).

I recall seeing lots of films made in Pittsburgh listed at the public library, but not this one. I wonder why…

(Also Pittsburgh-filmed: "Dogma" and "Inspector Gadget," as well as the upcoming "The Perks of Being a Wallflower," which is actually set in Pittsburgh.)

Hey, I liked Dogma!

Inspector Gadget and this film legitimately were both shit, though.