Twilight - Breaking Dawn, Part 1

(228 votes, average 4.91 out of 5)



Doug's Review

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Comments (422)
  • Pigquet
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    Holy fuck buckets, dude! I don't think I have ever seen you that mad, upset, or disturbed (out of character, that is) before. Were you about to cry? Not that I can blame you, it is quite disgusting. Twilight should fucking hang itself for attempting to tackle a subject this serious in a serious way. Shame! Complete and total shame!
  • Crunchy_Frog
    "Out of character"? All these add-on commentaries to the Bum Reviews are titled "Doug's Review" for a reason.

    To all the people on this board who wrote, "Oh, he's just ranting about movie XYZ because the Nostalgia Critic character is supposed to dislike movies" I'm afraid you missed the point: This is DOUG giving his frank opinion on a movie, in an unscripted vlog. Which is why he starts with the words "This is Doug Walker..."
  • Beoftw
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    @crunchy_frog

    Did you even read his post past the first sentence? I can't tell if you just can't comprehend the English language or are just flat out dumb.
  • ladydiskette
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    Wait, now its trying to say that vampires can breed with human females!?!?!?!?



    No, no Meyer, you already hurt the vampires already leave the dhampirs alone please :'(
  • Bloodrealm  - Crossed Origins
    "Wait, now its trying to say that vampires can breed with human females!?!?!?!?"

    That's not really the stupid part. There are two ways vampires can be in stories. Living vampires or undead vampires (and yes, I know that the original stories of vampires are that they are corpses that rise from their coffins after not having proper burials), and I find both to work well in fiction. Twilight, however, cannot seem to pick one. Twilight vampires are supposed to be the undead variety, yet apparently they can survive sunlight and mate like live creatures. Meyer obviously knows nothing about having solid lore.
  • TheDogSannin
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    The sad thing is, that Deadliest Warrior managed to make a better defined vampire with more solid lore in an hour+commercials than Stephanie Myers did with her books.

    And half that time was about their zombie opponents.
  • Vismutti
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    Dude, that's what "out of character" means. Although it can also mean "slipping out of character" that's obviously not what OP meant. Read what you're commenting on properly before you complain about it.
  • Pigquet
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    Yes, I know that. I'm saying that I've never seen Doug himself in one of these vlogs(not playing a character) get this upset at a movie. Have you?
  • Narlepoax III  - WOW froggy.
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    Out of character, meaning not played up for comedic effect. As in, this is Doug's review of the film, not the Bum's not the Nostalgia Critic's, Doug Walker's honest untainted opinion.
  • Xav_kitsune
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    it is in the books as well
  • The Player of Games
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    I am so glad that the US has to face the abomination that is Twilight first. I am so not watching this pile of crap.
    Having said that, watching the spoony review as well, it mentions near the beginning of the movie, during the honeymoon, they played chess.
    Now could this be a precursor to the battle between the vampires and the werewolves (yes Im implying a twilight film had some deep symbolism in it, probably unintentional by them)
  • snoofulus
    You know what's a funny coincidence?

    Just a few days ago, RedLetterMedia released their hour-long Jack&Jill review (also talking as themselves), and concluded that modern cinema had reached a "new low".

    I'm not watching either movie :D
  • snoofulus
    Btw, Nostalgia Critic slipping in at 4:05 :D
  • Frogga
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    damn right!
  • JuwGirl
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    This movie is fucking everyone up!
  • ST
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    How did Edward even get it up? In this series, vampires don't have blood.

    Anyone who has taken sex ed knows that you need a blood flow in your penis in order to get an erection.

    Has Meyer never taken sex ed?
  • Crunchy_Frog
    "Has Meyer never taken sex ed?"

    Given that she is a Mormon housewife... I guess the answer is no.

    I heard American conservative Concerned Parents claim that "sex ed" in public schools literally means "education to have sex" as in "evil Liberals teaching our children that they should have teenage sex and become prostitutes, instead of preaching wholesome abstinence". *rollseyes*

    To think that here in Germany, people are discussing if schools should move basic sex ed from 5th grade to 4th grade (elementary school) because children are hitting puberty ever earlier. And yet the USA have a lot higher percentage of teenage pregnancies. Funny how that works.
  • Fuery87
    She's Mormon? Well, that explains a lot.
  • Marshmallowcreampie
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    You pretty much hit the target. Here in the US, a lot of schools only teach abstinence-only "sex education" because many conservatives believe that teaching kids about birth control will give them the idea that it's okay to have indiscriminant, pre-marital sex. But also as you said, we do have higher teen pregnancy rates and it is because of the abstinence-only classes. Basically all they do is show us pictures of diseased genitalia, tell us that birth control can fail, and that we should wait until marriage to have sex. (never mind that marriage doesn't shield you from unwanted pregnancies, but I don't wanna get into a rant here) The studies show it doesn't work, apparently because kids who get abstinence-only are just as likely to have sex, but less likely to use birth control. And since so many kids here get abstinence-only...
  • Uncle Kassa
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    You can't really blame Meyer for that part of it. Vampires have been having sex in fiction long before she entered into it.
  • negrocritic
    Probably not. Shes a very conservative woman, along with a horrible writer. I'm not opposed to vampires having sex(especially after or during feeding, which true blood and other shows/film makes really erotic) if the writer developed the story well enough, and of course she did not. The Vampires in Blade could give birth to "pure bloods" and they stated in early on in the movie, mostly because its part sci-fi part supernatural, plus older mythologies (Scandinavian mostly) said they could(hence Dampiers liek Blade, D and Alucard. I think we get to hung up on the term undead, we still think "dead" think of it as not quite alive, but not quite dead.
    but not smeyer, she didnt develop her type of vamps, all she cared about was the stupid of romance!
  • The_Awesometeer
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    I asked my female friends who read these books the same thing and there is no answer.
  • minnie3434
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    I am proud to say I am one of the few girls in my school who doesn't like Twilight.
  • ImYourOpheliac
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    I remember reading an interview a while back where she said that 'her' vampires have venom in them that is essentially to them what blood is to humans.
  • Marshmallowcreampie
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    I believe she said the "venom" is only how they can impregnate human women. More like sperm than blood. Still doesn't explain how he could get an erection. Just as well, he's always described as ice cold, I don't know why girls fantasize about sleeping with a guy like that. Might as well just get a popsicle...
  • snoofulus
    Meh, who cares about Edward's erection?

    THIS IS AN UNDEAD VAMPIRE. A SPARKLING undead vampire. Isn't that a tad less believable than an erection due to Mystery Fluid V?
    Who cares... there's some fluid somewhere. Or maybe it's Magic-Plot-Device-That- Also-Powers-His-Body-And- Brain-Instead-Of-A- Beating-Heart.
  • Fantastic Chick
    Yeah, basically Meyer's response to it was "It's venom!" and she also seemed to think that male sperm is like stored in the balls. I don't think that's how it works.

    Yes, venom is like this thing that can do anything. It can kill, heal, catch fire and impregnate human females.
    Actually, who would've liked to see Bella's vagina catch fire?
  • DragonDandelion
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    Wow. Even the Bum thinks this movie is messed up. Also, his/Doug's big pretty eyes are very noticeable in this.

    All right... let's see if this movie has driven Doug to drink like it did to Noah.
  • misterEEK  - take action
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    THIS IS WHY WE OF THE INTERNET MUST TAKE ACTION IN ORDER TO CAUSE PART @ NEVER TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY THOUGH ANY (LEGAL) MEANS POSSIBLE
  • Semudara
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    I'd be okay with Part @ coming out, but not Part # or Part [SHIFT].
  • hammer1969  - Vampire Doctors
    Sad that there are no vampire doctors in the Twilight universe, except for EDWARD'S ADOPTED FATHER, of course!
  • Robotrix
    "Sad that there are no vampire doctors in the Twilight universe, except for EDWARD'S ADOPTED FATHER, of course!"

    BRAVO!

    Doug...god forbid I ever stick up for this film, Meyer, or Twi-tards....

    First, who directed this under the name "Bill Condon"...and what did they do with the real one?

    The whole "why didn't they use protection"? Um...because Edward's been dead for 108 years and all logic (outside of the Twilight universe anyway) would say that at this point he should be shooting dust?

    If Rosalie and Emmett can't have kids (remember her rant in the last movie) why should it be assumed that Edward can father a kid?

    But this whole, "If you have this baby, I'll leave" thing from Edward. I hate to admit that I kind of get that scene...in that he was upset that someone he loved (in Twilight's definition of love, anyway) who would rather die than stay with him.
    Yeah, that's a very simplistic way of looking at the choice that Bella was making but 1) who would accuse Edward of being complex and 2) I have to admit that I had that very same gut reaction to a loved one in kind of the same situation. My mother had lung cancer. Chemo had been successful to the point that the tumor was in remission - and then I found out she had started smoking again (and everything was undone and she was gone within a month). But the first feeling I had when I found out was maybe the same one they were trying to convey in the movie as that of someone who has had a loved one commit suicide - anger. The feeling of "you'd rather actively do something you know will kill you than stay here with us"? You feel betrayed. And sometimes you want to walk away and not be hurt like that.
    I think that's what Meyer was trying for in that part of the book. Her being a lousy writer of course it comes off badly...

    As far as Twilight talking about abortion and the whole thing about the life of the mother over the life of the baby...which film did this worse: this one or Switch with Ellen Barkin? And that was Blake Edwards who usually knows what he's doing.
  • Friar Coke
    I loved both these reviews, Bum's and your own. First of all, I like how even after ranting about how awful the movie was, you could still at least try to be respectful to other peoples' opinions on it and try to understand where they're coming from, something a lot of people in the hatedom just can't do. Yes, there are insane fangirls, but for the most part, the Twilight fans I've encountered are perfectly sane, nice, normal people and only one insisted that we should be studying Twilight instead of Farenheit 451 (because "book I get = masterpiece; book I don't understand = awful"). However, they are also in their late teens; the insane minority is composed of girls ages 10-14. The one insane fan I mentioned was 16 at the time. So it's probably a matter of age and maturity, they probably recognize that it's just sheer melodrama but still enjoy it for what it is.

    Second, you're spot-on about how most fans hated the fourth book. There was even a short news article on it after the book came out. I can't quite remember the details but it was apparently established a bit earlier on that Meyer's vampires can't have children. She was already pissing off fans of classic vampire literature by tossing out the basic vampire tropes out the window in favour of making her own version (as opposed to keeping the classic traits and simply giving the vampires unique personalities). Some fans were okay with this, but what REALLY got them angry was that Meyer set up her own vampire canon and then went against it in favour of giving Bella and Edward a baby without Bella having to sacrifice anything. She said somewhere that vampires can't have children, then went "continuity? What's that?" and gave her own story the same treatment most bad fanfic authors would give it. If an author disregards her own continuity, that's a major sign she doesn't really care about the integrity of her story. There were many, many other issues fans had with the last book (like the creepy pedophilic implications behind imprinting) but that's one that comes to mind. Of course, there is also a vocal minority that insists the fourth book is absolutely amazing, but for the most part, yeah, a lot of fans hated it, including a few I talked to. I'm curious as to what their reaction to this move might have been.

    And third, I liked how you managed to get your point across about how the abortion issue is handled while also avoiding insulting the pro-life or pro-choice groups. If anything, your rant implied that BOTH groups would be insulted by it. I mean seriously--you're right that there would be some jackass boyfriends who would try to pressure their pregnant girlfriends into getting an abortion, but would anyone actually say "We have to get this abomination out of you"?

    Overall, I thought you raised some pretty good points in your rant/review. Hopefully, part 2 won't give you as much aggrivation.
  • Crunchy_Frog
    "but would anyone actually say "We have to get this abomination out of you"?"

    YES.

    If the mother is clearly no longer mentally functioning on all cylinders (not that Bella was ever able to think independently or took responsibility for her actions), and the baby is killing the mother and might be a supernatural horror when it is born... at some point you have to ask yourself, "Do we kill it with fire now, or do we wait until we have to nuke the town from orbit?"
  • negrocritic
    plus, regular Vamps(ie Dracula and his kind) would hate a hybrid coming out, so they would consider it an abomination because its a threat, but this movie doesnt get a pass, because the idiot writing doesnt care enouph of developing a well crafted monster!
  • WarxePB
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    I agree with your opinion, Doug: Smeyer, and the script writers of this movie, have not "earned" the right to discuss abortion. I also agree that your idea of what should have happened (an in-depth character study of Bella and her child) would have been vastly superior to any of the books.

    Also, you were totally right about the Spoony-style rant disclaimer. You were missing some booze and a couple of friends on Skype, though :P
  • Cea
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    First off, I haven't seen any of the Twilight movies, nor have I read any of the books, so I can't really agree or disagree with anything said in your review.

    But based on what you've said about this movie and what I'd heard about the movie and book, it sure does sound like they handled the whole accidental pregnancy thing really poorly. But it's not completely impossible to do that sort of story aspect and do it fairly well, because in my opinion the television show "Being Human" , which, like Twilight, is about vampires and werewolves (and ghosts and zombies for good measure), handled a similar situation much better, both in it's how it handled it from a story aspect and how important of a subject pregnancy and abortion are. Granted it still had some problems, but the characters were much more responsible and the boyfriend didn't act like a complete jerk like how you described Edward acting. And they were also dealing with the possibility that the baby would be a werewolf or something since both the boyfriend and girlfriend were transformed into werewolves during the act, but they didn't call it a "monster" or say that it needed to be destroyed. They were both legitimately worried about both it's well-being and the mother's well being. (It occurs differently in the US version because the girlfriend was still human and didn't know the boyfriend was a werewolf at the time. But they too both showed responsibility and concern. The boyfriend was mostly concerned hoping that he hadn't passed on his curse to the child, but the rapid rate at which the pregnancy progressed said otherwise, and yet he didn't go "the child's a monster, we need to kill it".
    So if you haven't seen Being Human, it might be interesting if you checked it out (season 3 of the UK version, season 1 of the US version) to see what you think of how they handled a similar situation, for all I know you might think they also completely botched up, I don't know. Also you may even think one version of the show did it well and the other didn't.
  • EpicJason1999
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    dracula called. he wants his money back. XD

    great review doug. ^-^

    I truly hate twilight. the girl in that movie is a complete idiot.

    how do I gain his attention? by killing myself. I think the diamond fetish vampire should of just said "eh, let her drop".

    I've seen better vampire concepts from films and tv shows like underworld , blade , bram stoker's dracula , interview with the vampire , from dusk till dawn , blood the last vampire , trinity blood , fright night , and 30 days of night. the fright night remake that came out this year is FAR better than twilight. if you want to see a recent and decent vampire movie , go see fright night. if you want to waste your money and your brain functions , then go see twilight.

    I would much rather see a film of castlevania than to see more twilight films keep coming out every year. it doesnt deserve the attention that it has , and we all know why.

    when I was a kid , vampire films were NEVER PG-13. and they were mostly gory and violent. that was until my little vampire came out and it was a painful trailer for me to see when it originally came out. I thought it was stupid iand it was never gonna catch on. I have no idea why vampires are all the rage now , but it just needs to come to a screeching halt before I start impailing them with wooden spikes.

    lets not forget where most vampires originate from: Dracula. if my information is correct , in which I hope I am getting this right , the line of vampires started with dracula or aka the first vampire. if my information on this isnt accurate , please forgive me.

    anyways , awesome job as ever doug. I cant wait to see more from you in the future.
    ^-^

    children of the night. what sweet music they make.
  • negrocritic
    technicly the vampire in genre of litature has been around far longer than Dracula, Lord Byron wrote several poems 30 years before hand. 25 years before Dracula there was Caramilla, a vampire novel about LESBIANS!!! Plus Vampire or vampire like creatures have appeared in mythologies through out the world. Heck most of the origins of vampirism in alot of mythologies the first vampire are usually women (Lilith, the mythical first wife Adam is one example, but shes also a succubus)
    but Dracula was a major best seller so he pretty much became the staple for vampires, especially because of Bela Legosi and christopher Lee.
  • fanime1  - Hey! I like all those vampire movies/shows too!
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    We should be friends. :D Though I will correct you on Dracula. There have been many myths and stories about vampires for a long time. Arguably, the first vampire novel is Lord Byron's Vampyre. However, Dracula is more well-known and became more famous, so it was most likely the most influential. This is based on memory though. I researched vampires when I was writing my own vampire story, unlike a certain writer who was like "Hell with old vampires. I'm going to make my own." Sad how a high schooler was able to writer a better vampire story than a college graduate.
  • Beatrisu
    Actually... The vampire myth is an old slavic myth that started long before the idea of Dracula. Bram Stoker wrote Dracula and then published it in 1897, but the myth is far older than that. The idea of Dracula came from Vlad Tepes, the impaler, who would impale his enemies on wooden stakes. It was a tradition he picked up when he was imprisoned by the Turks. They did it to his family, so he decided to do it to them.

    The vampire myth is far older, however, and comes from Slavic folk culture. It's almost like the zombie myth. If you read Anne Rice's books, she touches on this to some extent in Interview With the Vampire, when Claudia and Louis go searching for stories of other vampires after they leave Lestat. If you want to read a very good book on vampires, read Elizabeth Kostova's "The Historian". It is a fantastic piece of work.

    But again, as I said, the vampire myth is very, very, very much older than Dracula.

    The word vampire came in use in the 18th century, but before that you had the idea of vrykolakas and strigoi, to mention a few. A similar mythological creature in Native American culture is the Windigo. Fair enough, the Windigo has to feed on human flesh, but it is still the idea that when you feed off a human, you give up your humanity. I hope this clears things up for you a little bit.
  • DragonDandelion
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    Whoo! I called the Noah reference. Sort of.

    Anyway, YES this series is so stupid. I read the first & third books and refused to watch the movie. Those books were the only times I read something- anything- and felt it was a waste of my time. Yeesh.

    Jacob is much nicer (and less of a stalker) than Edward. But I've always been more of a werewolf girl myself, so I'm probably biased on this regard. ^^

    Maybe since they were married Edward & Bella figured they didn't need protection? That's my theory anyway. And yuck: their child is very, very disturbing... yet I have to agree Edward went overboard, especially since this was before they knew what she'd be like.

    Twilight is probably the most disturbing aspect of 21st century pop culture.

    Question: did you watch Noah's vlog on this? Or Kaylyn's interview with fans?

    And now I want to see TGWTG do Shakespeare, because that sounds so epic. Shakespeare was originally for the masses, after all. ^^ In modern day terms- the Internet!
  • Eddie The Lightbringer
    A friend of mine was dragged into seeing this by his wife and said it wasn't as bad as the others because Edward wasn't as annoying.

    I personally won't touch these movies with a 10 foot pole.
  • PKGaming
    You're not alone, Doug. A LOT of Twilight fans hated Breaking Fail (as I like to call it). Bella decides to have sex with Edward while human (like the idiot she is), she gets pregnant (even though Edward shouldn't have live sperm to begin with), the topic about abortion and Bella dying and whatnot, and Jacob goes against his pack all to protect Bella and keep her alive. And what does he get as a reward? He imprints on the baby and becomes a pedophile. Wonderful...
  • Garlend
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    I hear ya Doug. After watching Spoony's VLog about the movie I think I'd feel the same way.
  • SpeedyEric
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    I still can't believe this goddamn movie made it past the $100 million grossing mark on opening weekend.

    2:45- I was also thinking that just now. Also, FINALLY. We're headed toward the direction of a vampire series that actually has true vampires.

    I also thought everyone is stupid when they said that Bella getting pregnant is impossible. Jesus, Stephenie Meyer is taking all of her readers as f**kin' retards.

    Please don't compare "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" to this $h!t. That film has the Transformers (which are awesome), it has great action, and I love watching it. THIS is f**kin' Twilight: Breaking Wind.

    If I want to read or watch a coming of age series (that DOESN'T insult my inteligence), I will kindly stick with Harry Potter (Also, THAT series got werewolves done correctly).
  • BooRat
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    FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU CK!!!

    I'd figure even in the Twilight universe they'd even know what a Dhampyr is!

    Well, I said it before at one point these movies could've been good... at one point the movie rights were owned by the same people that made Underworld, Blood and Chocolate, and The Covinent, and was going to be a action horror film series but they farted around with the scripting too long and the right reverted bach that that Meyer whinch!

    Harry Potter was at least had an epic story to tell!
  • SpeedyEric
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    You got that right about Harry Potter as an epic story. I love epics.
  • TheAngryAnimeAddict
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    Oh Wow. That was almost as long as a Critic Review. Longer even! Like your rants when you get angry.

    If my friend Drags me to this one, I'm going. Is tradition! It is also tradition to be obnoxious in the theater and get beat up after the showing. XD

    Seriously though. Not lying there.
  • eujoyuen
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    First Spoony gets drunk, and Linkara and Jewario have to pat his shoulder via skype... And now Doug is in the verge of anger tears... This is how horrible Twilight is getting across.

    I only blame SMeyers editor, because s/he's the one who should filter this kind of stuff or simply reject it before it meets the printer. Nobody seems to be thinking about subtext anymore...
  • Vismutti
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    Oh hell yes. That's exactly what I've been wondering all this time: what the hell WAS her editor doing, jerking off? Did they not READ these books? Seriously!
  • Lossthief
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    Actually, I've heard SMeyer didn't even USE an editor for the last one. Which explains why it's considerably longer than the first 3, yet has far less going on in it. I've read the books (I like to be informed when I talk about stuff, so I forced myself through them) and "Breaking Dawn" has countless chapters where practically nothing happens. The characters stand around, talk, stand around some more, repeat for another 100 pages.
  • fanime1  - I do the same!
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    I feel your pain. I also forced myself to read the books just to judge them for myself. Now that you told me she didn't have an editor for that last one, everything makes so much sense! I HATED the last book for the same reasons you and Doug pointed out: the abortion topic and lack of conflict. So really, this is Meyer unedited...Wow! She really does suck!
  • Beatrisu
    ...About that editor. Allegedly the last book went out without being edited first.
  • Lexi1900
    I agree completely! This movie was horrendous on so many levels. While everyone was clapping at the end, I was sitting there thinking "What in the hell just happened?" I will admit I am on the Team Jacob side of the fence. And even though I KNEW he was going to be crushed... well lets just say there are not enough words to describe my hatred. So to SM and all of the Twilight crew: Leave the serious issues to the adults. Because it is obvious that childish idiots made this sorry excuse for a film.
  • EpicJason1999  - Personal Message To Doug Walker
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    dear lord doug. are you ok? this is the 2nd time you almost cracked on camera. I can really tell at times that you were getting very upset.

    take a breather , relax , and try not to think about it.

    this man deserves all of our respect. he reviews the most worst vile of garbage that hollywood has ever given us , and it's one recent film that has gotten him to be so emotionally pissed about it. give this man his own medal of honor.

    you're awesome doug. you were always awesome , and you will always be awesome. it would be an honor just to meet you someday. it is already an honor to be apart of your website. and if I ever get my films out there one day , it would be an honor for you to be among one of the first people allowed to review it. for that day , you truly deserve that right and you deeply earn that highest respect.

    you have earned all of our respect , you have earned your fans , you truly deserve to keep your site alive for as long as it can , you have so many people who look up to you and respect you and love you. that's why doug is awesome , and that's why this man rocks.

    from all of us doug walker , we deeply thank you.
  • nyaore
    Oh my god Doug, you looked like you were about to have a seizure here. I've never seen you get so pissed that your entire body was shaking with rage. You calmed down towards the end, but there was a good portion of the review where not a single part of your body was steady. I hope you don't go see the second half, because this first part really made me worried for you.

    Still from what I've heard about this book, I can understand why you had such a reaction. When a book completely alienates a portion of your die-hard fanbase and even turns them against the series entirely, then you know something is wrong. Many fans I've met also refuse to see this book and movie as canon.
  • PlayMp1
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    I think Dandelion is onto something with the "didn't need protection because they're married" idea. As we all know, Smeyer is a Mormon housewife, and so her purpose in life is to be the pregnant barefoot wife in the kitchen. Because of that, she has some severely messed up ideas about sex. Namely, that protection is sinful and that all sex is for procreation, and that only married people should be having sex at all.

    Meh, I'm just a biased atheist, I suppose.
  • Crunchy_Frog
    I would have bought the in-universe reasoning for not using protection that vampires, being undead, simply cannot procreate (create new life), and thus no-one expected a half-vampire baby to pop out.
  • Marshmallowcreampie
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    Still, Doug did bring that up here: it's hard to believe that in the history of the story universe, no male vampire has ever banged a human woman and knocked her up.
  • joandark2
    @ST

    I'm pretty sure Mormons don't take the same sex ed. That is, they take the one where they learn how fairies are involved. This should explain allot about how she writes romance novels.
  • Paladormon
    "As we all know, Smeyer is a Mormon housewife, and so her purpose in life is to be the pregnant barefoot wife in the kitchen. Because of that, she has some severely messed up ideas about sex. Namely, that protection is sinful and that all sex is for procreation, and that only married people should be having sex at all."

    "I'm pretty sure Mormons don't take the same sex ed. That is, they take the one where they learn how fairies are involved. This should explain allot about how she writes romance novels."

    Okay, as a "Mormon" here, we're just normal people like anyone else, who are just trying to make their way in the world. Most Mormons take regular sex-ed just like anyone else. And while, yes, we do teach that sex is for married couples only, it is not just merely for procreation. Also, the purpose of the woman is not just to stay at home and be barefoot and pregnant all the time.

    Please do not use Meyer being Mormon as an excuse for her bad writing.
  • Crunchy_Frog
    No. Sorry, no, Doug, I have to disagree with you on one point: Bella is NOT "acting responsibly" when she decides to have the baby against the advice of everyone else. She is acting the same way as she ever did: she never listened to anyone before, not even to her father, she always stubbornly wanted to have it her way. I guess her pregnancy addled her brain to throw her into a demented paranoia, "Oh I must protect my cuddly wuddly monster baby."

    You know, that is exactly what parasites do to a host. Many parasites can influence the host's body chemistry and even creepily establish control over the host's brain and behaviour via hormones, to make them act in ways advantageous to the parasite's survival.

    I noticed there are no female characters that Bella is really friends with or consulting in. That is what I see as the real anti-feminist stance, that Bella is only seen in relation to male characters (her father, Edward, Jacob).

    Maybe it's because Germany has a different view on abortion than the USA, maybe it's because I'm female myself, but if something that abnormal grew inside my body, turmorlike, and broke my bones, my reaction would be, "Get this THING out of me ASAP!"

    But of course, because Bella is a huge Mary-Sue, the script proves her right. Even though the prediction that the baby will kill her is proven true, and even though the baby is an unnatural parasitic blood-drinking creature which hypnotizes people into loving it, everyone is made to look like a monster while Bella is of course right about keeping her baby of prophecy, and everyone rejoices. Bleh.

    Really, I didn't read the books, but I wished Meyer hadn't chickened out and the baby had slightered away to go on a murderous rampage.

    The "Jacob gets mind-raped into becoming a pedophile against his will" angle is what disturbs me much much more than talk about abortion.
  • buried_treasure_yay  - The **** are you talking about?
    avatar
    ********
    "You know, that is exactly what parasites do to a host. Many parasites can influence the host's body chemistry and even creepily establish control over the host's brain and behaviour via hormones, to make them act in ways advantageous to the parasite's survival."
    ********

    Babies aren't parasites inside their mothers, it's called reproduction, it's how living things stay on Earth. Babies don't somehow make their "hosts" act in ways advantageous to them, rather their mothers are specifically designed to nurture them in their wombs. Mothers love their children, so do fathers. ****ing dumb animals take care of their young and care for them, and you're a human, given intellect, talking like babies are parasites. Listen, babies aren't parasites, but I can think of one instance where one of them was when she was in her mother. Freak.
  • Lieju  - @buried_treasure_yay
    avatar
    "Babies aren't parasites inside their mothers, it's called reproduction, it's how living things stay on Earth. Babies don't somehow make their "hosts" act in ways advantageous to them, rather their mothers are specifically designed to nurture them in their wombs"


    Most babies aren't half-vampire hybrids that grow at an accelerated rate and drain their mother of life, though. What happens in this movie is hardly normal when it comes to pregnancy, and they don't have any idea WHAT is growing inside her and whether it's going to even survive the birth at all.

    I seem to recall the baby is influencing Bella telepathically, not sure.

    But for all they know, she could just give birth to a bloody mess dying in the process.
    But since this is Twilight, that's obviously not an option, since nothing bad could happen to Bella, but the characters shouldn't know that, or that the baby will be sentient perfect creature.
  • Dwane
    Yes, actually, human babies are parasites. The young of all placental mammals spend the beginning of their lives living parasitically off their mothers (marsupials do, too, but for a much shorter time). Humans are placental mammals, so their babies are parasites. What, do you think they're just magically growing miracles only using the womb for warmth? In fact, in some cases the mother's immune system actually attacks the baby. That's why women with Rh negative blood types have to get RhoGAM shots. Saying human fetuses aren't parasitic is as naive and self serving as saying they're not human before they're born. Hey, it could be worse. Some animals eat their way out of their mothers. So, really, humans don't have it that bad.

    To your point, though, the types of parasites that alter their hosts' behavior before killing them aren't doing it through hormones. They're doing it through physical damage.
  • fanime1  - I like the way you think.
    avatar
    You bring some very good points and I wanted to let you know I am totally on board. What really bothers me is how quick she made the decision to keep the baby. If I was Bella, I would think long and hard before deciding what to do. Needless to say, I would most likely take the abortion. Then again, I wouldn't be stupid enough to get married out of high school, not go to college, and have sex without protection. XD
  • purplefebruary
    avatar
    Jeez, it looked like you were a hairline away from a nervous breakdown! o.O
  • bes89
    Man, first Noah now Doug. How many people is this movie gonna break before it's done?
  • Zax  - Lead admin for the TwilightSucks community, here.
    avatar
    And I gotta say, my condolences on your misery. We could have warned you. Put simply, though, this film is, I believe, one of the most accurate portrayals of a book in film...save for grammatical issues found in the book, of course.

    What you watched is what happened in the book. ..which is next to nothing.


    Now to look forward to the final confrontation that doesn't happen..
  • ArtticWitchica
    avatar
    Funny because Twilight was the first bum review I ever saw. This is my favorite now.
  • Crunchy_Frog
    I kept wondering, "If the baby is literally feeding on Bella's blood (not just filtering nutrients from it), why didn't they give Bella a blood transfusion instead of forcing her to drink liters of cold blood? Doesn't Meyers know that a baby in the womb is not connected to the mother's stomach? And that drinking more than half a liter of blood will usually result in people throwing up, because if you don't, drinking a lot of raw blood (not cooked or made into black pudding) will damage the kidneys... the iron in the hemoglobine and proteins in the blood will clog up the filtering system of the kidneys. That's why people in areas of the world where making soup from animal blood is common first boil the blood and remove the scum that floats to the top before they eat it.
  • WiiStation360
    avatar
    If Meyer can't understand the fact that vampires can't get erections, let alone impregnate others, then that biological fact you stated is lightyears beyond anything she would understand.
  • Swordslinger
    Doug, HOLY SHIT! I became concerned for your mental and physical health watching this review. On a lighter note, did you know you turn into a cartoon character when you're mad? XD
  • mehja
    avatar
    "A perfect understanding of the female teenage mind or at least how to make money out of it."

    Yepp, most companies would sell their soul to gain that understanding or at least those profits.
  • fatalrob0t
    avatar
    Oh God, I can't believe I'm going to have to say this to you, Doug. Okay, First off... This movie's shit because the book is shit. It's not even funny shit, it's just utter shit, but you've already got that covered. Second, Nothing Bella does in this movie is remotely logical or human in the least. No normal human would think some of the creepy bullshit she does. Ever.

    I don't know about the vampire mythologies you've grown up with Doug, but you've grown up in relatively the same time period as me, given that you do the Nostalgia Critic and most of the stuff you do is very nostalgic to me. So, that being said, I grew up with vampires not being able to procreate. I know there are stories and movies with Dhampires, but as for most vampire stories the vampires can't conceive children. This goes for Twilight. Mean bitch blondie Rosalie tells Bella she'll be throwing away her ability to have children should she become a vampire and Bella's like "Fuck children, I just want to fuck Edward." We get that. It's her motive. She's a selfish bitch and there you have it. Rosalie, meanwhile, is usually pretty neat in that she actively hates Bella. I like her because of that, but in Breaking Dawn when Bella gets pregnant she immediately calls Rosalie to protect her unborn baby and that's exactly what Rosalie does. Rosalie is fucking Creepy in this because she's goddamned batshit to match Bella.

    Now. Bella's only been on her honeymoon for a grand total of two weeks. She already has a baby bump. A baby bump... that Kicks. Two Weeks. Maybe even less than that. This sort of thing would terrify any Sane person, but not Bella. No no.. Bella sits there and caresses the little monster and croons to it in what is great horror movie/novel material. Edward learns of this and he freaks the fuck out because That Baby Shouldn't Exist. That little abomination is exactly that: an abomination. In fact he becomes probably the most sympathetic person in this outside of Jacob because he recognizes his demon spawn for what it is and it horrifies him that Bella's suddenly turned into this creepy as fuck mother with a chest-burster baby incubating in her womb.

    This is the mindset of Bella: "I'm going to die for the one I love regardless of how selfish it is for me to do carry this baby that is trying to kill me slowly with every single minute it remains in my body. My poor husband will be alone because there is no possible way my body can hold out long enough to even birth his little spawn."

    this is Rosalie's mindset: "I don't give two shits about the mother, just give me the baby. The baby is MINE."

    she isn't selfless in this. She's completely selfish. She's completely rotten to the fucking core. This isn't a metaphor for a bad birth where the mother dies knowing that she can't possibly live after giving birth to the child she wants to bring to the world. No, there's no comparison at al...
  • HaleThee
    avatar
    After hearing everything, the main part I want to know about is Rosalie. Rosalie is a bitch towards Bella, even makes it clear she thinks Bella is selfish.

    I want to know if she does call her, even then their saying the whole family goes with what Edward want. That she shouldn't have the baby. It's not what happens. They do this a lot with novel movies, after reading it you know what should happen an then it doesn't play up. Edward is even supposes to connect with the child and hear her thoughts, please let that come up. And he bites her before she dies, she's meant to be on the brink of death before. But I felt Rosalie and Bella became the two most important people in this book so she better be on Bella side.!!! I stopped caring about the threesome wanna be group. I want to know more about the other characters. Jackson Rathbone said he's just happy putting Jasper behind him. Meaning even he has gotten sick of this, when an actor doesn't want to be in the story no longer something has gone wrong.
  • greeneyes
    avatar
    in the book rosalie resents bella getting rid of her humanity willingly because she misses being human and the desire of being a mother. in the book bella calls up rosalie knowing she's the only one who will understand her wanting to keep the baby. yea that's it.
  • Sonicrose
    avatar
    Come on, this is Bella Swan who gets chucked into mirrors after accidentally cutting her finger and hopes she didn't offend the vampires.
  • fanime1  - In Doug's defense...
    avatar
    What you said seems more like the book than the movie. I doubt Doug read the books and the movies are totally biased and purposely make Jacob look good and Edward bad. Not that you are wrong though. I read the book too, so I completely understand and agree with what you said.
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