it might as well be twilight 4 some great jokes here keep up the good work

Honestly what's up with Tween girls, Beastility and Necrophilia? I feel pity for the younger generation... before you know it all our young girls will be breeding and we will have werewolvampfishpeople so hideous that would make Cthulhu shudder!

Hilarious review, but I still wanna see the movie, at least it won't turn my mind into oatmeal unlike the three Twilight movies.

Hold on; I sense Twilight, and you know what I think about Twilight don't ya.

(The Fuck Chickens song starts playing in the background)

Oh these movies are really shitty
They've got no real plot and contain poor acting.
They rank low giving movie critics motivation
Fuck the Twilight movies they're the scourge of the nation.

(Chorus)
Oh, fuck Twilight. Fuck it back where it belongs. Fuck Twilight. Fuck it all the way to Hong Kong.

(Verse 2)
The stupid teenage girls pay loads of money
To see a werewolf and a vampire fight over Bella's panties.
They think that Bella is way too up tight
But she's nothing more than a necrobeastial slut.

(Chorus)
Oh, fuck Twilight. Fuck it back where it belongs. Fuck Twilight. Fuck it all the way to Hong Kong.

Feel free to create your own lyrics. Music is here http://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=ppCM2Ey9YYE& feature=related

Have to say I did like this movie (hate Twilight though.) And I LOVE Mongrels (Vince is my favorite character.)

They ruined the fairy tale of Red Riding Hood.

That fairy tale was ruined pretty much as soon as it appeared. Some very old versions of it are pretty sexual, though lack any actual sex. There's one version with the wolf telling Red to undress and get into bed, and when Red asks where to put her clothes, the wolf says, "Throw it in the fire. You won't be needing it anymore."

That's true. On a side note, I think this is one of those movies that had a decent concept and could've been good, but was poorly executed. In this case, it was made to appeal to the Twilight crowd so they made it, well, Twilight-y. Or so I heard. I really shouldn't be judging, I haven't seen it yet, I went to see Beastly instead. Which the Bum should totally review, that movie sucked.

cause he's going to eat her... literally. the whole sex thing is a later fabrication. the original story was about wolves, and the dangers of the forests. It's the relatively newer versions that have that, the older/oldest versions are literal. that aside, even those versions were about being wary of being taken advantage of, not porno fantasies.

Oh please please please don't wish that evil upon the world.

... Why do I feel like there's some evil maniacal deity laughing at me?

...

... there's a fourth Twilight book, isn't there?

First time I can recall Chester arguing with the intro guy.

The argument with the narrator, was brilliant. "Tween girl porn" that is my new favourite phrase. I would read that book.

LOL "Twilight 4". Another great Bum Review video.

I hear ya on that!

HERE'S AN IDEA! MAKE A WEREWOLF MOVIE THAT STARTS LIKE TWILIGHT, BUT WITH 2 GIRLS. AT THE END, THE VAMPIRE DRAINS THE BLOOD OF ONE (LEAVING HER CORPSE) AND THE WEREWOLF KILLS THE OTHER (AND EATS HER FLESH).

SHOW THAT TO TWEENAGE GIRLS! THAT'LL SNAP THEM OUT OF IT! LOL

@JRodHacker I think the birth scene from "Breaking dawn" will probably scar them enough. I mean, how could any respectable tween (do those even exist?) still want to get with a dead guy if it means they have a demon baby that rips them in half like a fleshy party cracker?

This is what'll probably come out next: A girl falls in love with a zombie (played by Jesse McCartney) and they struggle to keep their relationship "alive" during a zombie apocalypse; and when I say apocalypse I mean zombies having long boring discussions and staring at stuff.
DOESN'T THAT SOUND COOL?!....*tumbleweed*

"My Boyfriend's Back" Made 20-ish years ago

Because it gives them horribly unreasonable expectations about the real world; tells them that stalking, abandonment, and psychosis are all expressions of true love; love is something that simply is and has no reasons behind it; that giving up everything they've ever known or loved for someone they've fallen for is a sensible and viable option; that men who are by nature dangerous can be tamed; that having a mental breakdown that lasts for months is normal behavior after a break-up; that leading along two guys and playing with their hearts when they can't decide on which one to be with is okay; that a guy who is obviously more caring, compassionate, and less dangerous is inferior in the light of one's "true love"...

Oh, I'm sorry, were you trying to make a point?

I'm sorry, I couldn't get past "Because (female-targeted porn) gives them horribly unreasonable expectations about the real world". Are you implying that male-targeted porn doesn't? Seriously?

No, it really doesn't. NOT THAT I'D KNOW! (Paranoid glance)

And I don't apologize for you being petty enough to cling to one single phrase of my long list of greivances because you can't refute a single one of them besides that.

As for male-targeted porn, in a word? No. No it doesn't. In more than one word? It doesn't because any male who honestly believe that male-targeted porn is representative of reality likely has a mental disorder or is just plain stupid. Both male and female versions are unrealistic, but the difference is that females (specifically tween females, and not older than that usually) delude themselves that it is reality far more easily.

Most people have the ability to separate fantasy from reality and use fantasy as an escape from cold, bitter reality. What you are implying is that women are less capable of this than men. In short, you are calling women stupid. If you can't see how this could be perceived as offensive and likely to draw unpleasant reactions from people, then it is not only teen girls who are stupid.

Actually, a lot of inexperienced, sexually naive, and/or extremely sheltered guys can be misled by porn for men. I've met some.

On one of your previous points: you imply that love is rational. For a lot of people, the first stage of falling in love is completely irrational. It's an overpowering emotion that psychologists have likened to insanity, and yet it is completely normal! A person in this stage of love pursues their love interest with blind devotion, regardless of whether or not it's a good idea. Think Romeo and Juliet.

I'm sorry. You lost this argument the moment you used 'most people have the abillity to seperate fantasy from reality"

You see, people comitted suicide because they couldn't be in Avatar.

People wanna make Jedi a religion.

Get this, humans, especialy teenager's are easily decieved into a false world, only to have reality bitch-slap them awake.

What's the difference between this 'female porn' and male porn? Male porn has no story, it's just porn for ... ADULTS. What is this 'female porn' in this arguement? Why it's 'tween' porn. And guess what? Teenagers, especialy the really young ones are naieve idiots, we all were at one time.

I think you some of you people are confusing actual pornography with the phrase "tween porn", and that's why you're arguing.

Actual porn is okay for both men and women. What Doug called "tween porn", however, perpetuates idiotic cliches in the minds of young girls. I'm not sure if there's an equivalent for guys.

@LDSocrates Wow, you literally just said that young men who watch porn can distinguish fantasy from reality but young women watching Twilight cant. Thanks for proving my point, pig.

1) I don't think a baby kicking you in the spine and breaking it is a normal part of pregnancy and child birth.

2) Whether or not Ally-Gator has been pregnant is irrelevant. They said that having a demon baby that rips them in half would put tween girls off being into vampire romances. How teenage girls would react to seeing that on the big screen has nothing to do with Ally-Gator giving birth.

In response to Ofer4:

It'll surprise you that I did read Twilight, granted I've never been pregnant, but the birth in Twilight isn't anything like a human pregnancy or birth; it is, literally, not natural. Bella breaks almost every bone in her body and the labour is, when you think about it, pretty graphic. But what do you expect? She's carrying a blood-sucking beast in her womb it's bound to be a billion times worse. I'm not flaming you for having a different opinion, because your point is fair, I'm just clearing a few things up.
Agree to Disagree?

You clearly never saw "Return of the Living Dead 3".

I have no idea why but I read that with chester's voice.

What a twist.....not coming from mr M night

Don't act like he's the worst director ever. How do you think this script would have turned out if Micheal Bay or Uwe Boll had directed it?

Arguably, it'd be much more entertaining. But he can do some pretty entertaining stuff too...

"I'm talking to a plastic plant."

Yeah M. Night Schamelamedingdong probably would have made this fun as hell. Not intentionally mind you, but fun none the less.

@LikaLaruku
Actually Uwe Boll would be an upgrade for Red Riding Hood.
He got the blood sucking part in his vampire movies right, so he wouldn't fail with the werwolves so bad.

It's not that M Night is the worst director ever. The real problem is, the guy has SHOWN us that he's capable of producing some grade A stuff, and that over time he hasn't NEARLY live up to the bar he's set for himself.

Setting aside the fact that the man practically MURDERED Avatar: The Last Airbender for me, I go genuinely like SOME of what he has to offer. But the majority of his stuff is effectively "rainy sunday afternoon" watching material.

Personally, I think the man needs to take between 5-10 years off, and just reflect on what he's doing. Perhaps he ought to listen to and incorporate fan reviews on everything he's done post-sixth sense instead of getting all emotional about it, as is his normal reaction.

In short, does M Night suck as a director? No, not exactly. But has he produced stuff that does suck? Yeah, he sadly has. Guy needs to take a break (a LONG break) and come back fresh in about a decade. Then he can begin another downward spiral from up on high.

Several unnecessary explosions, with wolf transformations some how oddly reminiscent of familiar robots that turn into vehicles and other things.

Yeah, I thought this looked stupid and dull from the watching the trailer. These days it seems easier to tell if a movies good, bad, or just average from watching its trailer, of course this isn't true for all movies that come out.

I know what you mean. I saw the trailer the other day, and at first I thought 'Hey a dark film about a fairy tale, maybe it will be like The Brothers Grimm'. And then the trailer began and I was like 'this is effing Twilight, wth?' *sigh*

"'Hey a dark film about a fairy tale, maybe it will be like The Brothers Grimm'"

Am I the only person here who remembers such movies as "The Company of Wolves" (UK, 1984) with Angela Lansbury, a dark, adult horror/fantasy movie version of the Little Red Ridinghood fairy tale and its sexual connotations and allegories about the innocent maiden growing into adulthood, also with werewolves? The movie is a collection of loosely connected narratives, as the grandmother tells the granddaughter all these stories about "wolves with human eyes", based on the werewolf stories in Angela Carter's short story collection 'The Bloody Chamber' ('The Company of Wolves', 'Wolf-Alice' and 'The Werewolf').

The movie ran under the title "Die Zeit der Wölfe" in Germany. I'm not even sure if it was ever shown in the USA, and if it was, it was probably R-rated, as it contains a lot of blood and sex, but in a surreal, dreamlike cinematography. Tim Burton would have loved it, but the director was Neil Jordan.

Or how about the TV movie "Snow White: A Tale of Terror" (USA 1997), a fantasy/horror retelling of the Snow White tale with Sigourney Weaver in the role of the evil stepmother and Sam Neill in the role of the father? Directed by Michael Cohn. Filmed, like so many fantasy movies these days, in Prague in the Czech Republic. Incidentally, trivia for the day: Since the fall of the Iron Curtain, the Barrandov Movie Studios in Prague have become the largest in the world. Yep, even bigger than Hollywood. A lot of movies, especially fantasy and children's fairy tale movies, are shot in the Czech Republic these days because Prague and environs offer a lot of scenic historic locations, because the cities of the Czech Republic were not bombed into rubble during the Second World War (like what happened to a lot of cities in Germany, France, England, Poland etc.)

No you are not. I remember that movie too.

While THIS movie was the result of one of Hollywood's occasional brain-farts and you could tell from the start it was made for a cheap money making ploy, the idea of turning children's fairy tales into macabre horror stories is really nothing new. Makes me wonder if they were intended for children in the first place.

They weren't.
The majority of 'fairy tales' were seriously twisted. Faeries, for example, liked to steal babies and magic people's faces off back in the day. I blame Disney for softening them up and candy coating them into their current rainbow-colored plastic forms.

fairy tales were intended for children. This one in particular was for girls. They were cautionary tales about the dangers of the real world told in a fictional narrative. Like any decent cartoon, they have a general moral, while being fiction.

There were supernatural stories that used the same creatures but fairy tales themselves were for children.

When I first saw the trailer for this movie, I thought it was going to be a remake of In the Company of Wolves. That was a strange movie, wasn't it? The story was confusing, but the special effects were cool, especially when the humans were transforming into wolves. No computer imagery was used there!

By the way, I'm still mad that the Bum didn't review Despicable Me or Megamind. He did the other Dreamworks movies! I actually saw these two and wanted Doug's opinion!

Hilarious. Now to find ways to slip the phrase "tween girl porn" into all conversations.

This probably would've worked simply as a whodunit (or in this case "whoisit")/monster flick, but no, had to put in lame romance that didn't amount to anything except a montage they forgot to put in...

It looks like a crossover between the Brothers Grimm and the Xeriouxly Forxe.

Also, does anyone else think the ending sounds like that Warwilf from MST3K?

Awful just an awful film.

Wonder if they'll do a Twilight-style Cinderella?

Sadly, that might actually improve the Cinderella story, seeing as the story's conflict could easily be resolved by Cinderella just moving out of her house, getting a job, & marrying someone in her own social class. But that's like saying an arisol can improves a shit pile.

"Getting a job"? That wasn't as easy in that day and culture as today. If she had run away, she would have been an unmarried girl out in the streets without a family, without money (go back not very far in history and in many Western countries women were not allowed to even own money of their own, daughters were property of their father, heck we only got voting rights in the 1970s), without any references to prove who she is, and without an education or training. The only "jobs" available to her would have been servant girl washing the floors, or prostitute.

And you couldn't just go and "marry someone", especially not when you tried to marry someone of upper middle class or a noble.

What country are you in, Crunchy Frog, because in the US, women had voting rights in the 1920s.

@dmh3000
Does "Ever After" count? (wait, that was a good movie) Honestly, Cinderella was pretty passive in the original story, and I have a feeling a Twilight version of Cinderella would lead to "Team Fairy vs. Team Prince" debates.

WERESPIDERS A LEGION OF WERESPIDERS OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHH WERESPIDERS en TWEEN GIRL PORN 4 with more beastiliy and three pigs

HaHaHa dude that was awesome

Wow. That was hilarious. Thank you.

You actually make that movie sound a lot like Jaws. Gary Oldman is Robert Shaw. I dunno anything about it, though, so I could be completely off base.

I'd rather watch this review over & over again for an hour than see Red Riding Hood.

I wanted that movie to be a horror movie based on "The Grandmother's Tale" with the Perrault ending for Red Riding Hood where she dies at the end, & it would be something like Sleepy Hollow or American McGee's Alice, but nooooooooooo, it had to be Twilight, it had to be a movie based on a movie based on a bad book that rips off a decent manga (Mellinium Snow).

I uh, can't wait for the Bum's review of Rubber & The Smurfs, even though one's not coming out until next year.

Oh Doug, I love how you torture yourself for our amusement.

Seriously, you're better off watching Twilight 1-3 than Red Riding Hood, at least Twilight is funny for being awful.

Can't wait for the Twilightization of the next fairy tale! Can't wait for Goldilocks and the Three Bears, and Hansel & Gretel!

YES, Chester. You need to make a book of Red Riding Hood innuendos. Immediately.

Everything Chester said about this movie are the reasons why I saw "Battle: Los Angeles" instead.

Tween girl porn should be a new film genre.

How was it? I'm thinking of seeing it.

I've seen tons of Twilight knockoff books in the local stores. Guess it was only a matter of time before the trend leaked into the film industry, too.

Also, is it me, or does his shout of "CHANGE!" get louder with each review?

including "Superman Earth One" that was recently released

I'm just glad I'll never have to see it. On the plus side, I think this might be the best Bum Review so far.

Ahhhh....Chester's back.

Things are right with the world again.

Okay, I gotta say this.

Critics are understandable, but how many regular people went to see this movie already knowing it was going to suck? Masochist please!

Hollywood doesn't care if the movie is good or bad, all they care about is that it sells tickets. & if it sells, they'll make more things that repeat the formula.

Wait till this shit comes out on DVD & rent it; it will send Hollywood the message that shit like this should be released straight to video without a theatrical release.

Or better yet, don't waste money on it at all.

Borrow it from a friend, or Youtube it.

*cough* *cough* Twlight *cough* *cough*

God that woulds bad, but not as bad as Twlight 5... AKA the new Beauty and the Beast film.

Oh yeah, Chester may want to look into that movie, "Beastly" I think it's called.

New Beauty and the Beast?! Does Disney have anything to do with it?

"HERE'S AN IDEA! MAKE A WEREWOLF MOVIE THAT STARTS LIKE TWILIGHT, BUT WITH 2 GIRLS. AT THE END, THE VAMPIRE DRAINS THE BLOOD OF ONE (LEAVING HER CORPSE) AND THE WEREWOLF KILLS THE OTHER (AND EATS HER FLESH).

SHOW THAT TO TWEENAGE GIRLS! THAT'LL SNAP THEM OUT OF IT! LOL"

Dude...if what happens in "Breaking Dawn" didn't do it, nothing will.

I'm surprised there aren't lines of pre-teen girls at doctor's offices trying to get their tubes tied....

Wanted to thumb up this one, pressed the wrong button.

I think the two chicks who run the extremely R-rated Twilight blog "Twitarded" described Red Riding Hood the best: "It's like someone took Twilight and Sleepy Hollow, put them in a blender, took a shit on them, and then taped it back together."

Couldn't agree more.

Lol Hey! I never saw this movie. Any more of this Stephanie Myer inspired bs bullshit and I'm going to go into film and make a One Piece live action movie and make it decent.

I was interested in this one, but now...I still might go see it for the lulz.

Great review Doug :)

What is LUL?

LULZ is multiple LOL.

It's the Dutch word for cock (and I'm not talking about the animal).

Seriously now, I laughed the first time I saw this trailer on TV. Never woulda even think of watching the actual movie