I still can't believe my sister likes this garbage, And she's 22.

The only way to cure a twilight fan of his/her deviancy: is to make them read all of anne rice's novels, push them off a coastal cliff and eat live deer (just to make them see how mentally scarring it is to a person with a sound mind)

That or just torch Robert Pattinson's face with a flamethrower :dry:

I think I'd rather watch a Twilight movie than Read Anne Rice's latter works. The Vampire Chronicals took a nosedive in 1995 & the changes she started making to the characters drove many fans away. Well, Pandora was pretty good... But she started getting more & more preachy & religious & ruined it for everyone who wanted Louis & Lestat to get back together. I kept reading up until Blood & Gold, hoping she'd revert back to her old ways, but the characters had just changed too much & I gave up, bitterly disappointed.

I disagree as Anne Rice actually has an idea about romantic literature (aside of horror stuff). There is nothing wrong with the changes of the characters. Although me too were annoyed by the continuous religious things that keep turning up, its still not that bad.
I only saw the first Twilight but somehow I thing that was enough and i actually refused to watch the second. It just has too many plot holes and I think i could spend my spare time watching something else.

//begin rant (what follows may cause a black hole to develop in its vicinity due to its shear volume). *Deep breath*

At least Anne Rice could actually [i]write[/i]. You seem to forget that Twilight is based on a book where Ms. Meyer - darling of Hollywood that she is - did not write any characterization, could not write a convincing story if her life depended on it (which the movie strained terribly to put to rights... and failed miserably) oh, and what else? Oh, that's right SHE WROTE A FUCKING SELF-INSERT MARY SUE AS HER MAIN FUCKING CHARACTER AND, that aside, HER USE OF GRAMMAR, SYNTAX, AND PURPLE FUCKING PROSE WAS SO HORRIFICALLY JUVENILE AND PETTY THAT IT MAKES ME WANT TO NOT ONLY SHOOT HER BUT TAKE AN AK-47 TO THE FUCKING PUBLISHERS THAT PUBLISHED HER GENRE-RAPING MESS OF A NOVEL!!!

In any case, even Anne Rice after her breakdown where she re-formed and even with all her holier-than-thou Christianity bullshit, was better than a Twilight movie. Every mis-conceived character and philosophical rant she took was [i]still[/i] better than anything based on Meyer's emulsified-and- eviscerated-corpses-when- left-for-14-days-in- forty-degree-heat-and- then-vomited-on-by-hell- hounds-is-better-then- this shitfest of a book.

... I'm sorry. You really didn't deserve that, but the voices in my head ran me off on a tangent. Personally, I agree that Anne Rice went down hill fast as soon as she started renouncing her previous works. I mean, pretty much anything after Memnoch The Devil was pretty bad. But still, anything, and I mean [i]any piece of literary trash[/i] is better than sitting through Twilight. Honestly.

Again, your innocent comment really didn't deserve the rant above which was [i]almost[/i] bad enough in itself to be put in one of Meyer's goddamn books. I apologise, but the entire Twilight franchise almost makes me cry for what it did to teenage literature, and I just finished a Microbiology and Immunology exam. Stress + Twilight = rant. Unfortunately you just happened to be the first victim.

//end rant

You belong with Twilightsucks.com
seriously with contingency like yours we have more twilight haters.
Although your methods of homicide seems premature, I would go with a more psychological form of torture.
Like for example: burning Pattinson's face but leaving him scarred and disfigured. That way, all of his fangirls would automatically begin to lose interest in him and treat him as any other C-grade actor. By the time he loses his popularity (and eventually his career) he'll be overcome by self angst to the point where he gains an epiphany on how he was nothing more than transitional eye candy for a publisher's bandwagon mediocracy.
He will then take his father's Mauser ( a gun in case you didn't know), dunk his body in lighter fluid and pull the trigger.
As for the rest of the starring cast, Raise, rinse, repeat. :evil:
Hopefully our actions will then achieve tax exemption status and then we would finally preserve the face of contemporary horror literature.

Actually, burning Robert Pattinson is a little counter-productive. He's said so himself that Twilight as a whole is stupid. He's still got to stick around for the shit-squiggle that will be the Breaking Dawn films (yeah, because everyone wants to see the book EVERYONE hated stretched into two films), but I get the sense he'll regret the move for the rest of his career. For years, he'll only be known as a sparkly vampire who stares a lot; I think that's torture enough.

Alternatively, torturing the people who WILLINGLY created this movie can be accomplished with some Twilight fanfiction. :psychotic: I'm willing to bet even Sage would have trouble.

Did you know you've just almost explicitly describe the synopsis of a Dean Koontz novel :| ? That's kinda creepy...

if you really want a good idea on how much twilight has destroyed society and why, id suggest going to this article on the oatmeal.com

http://theoatmeal.com/ story/twilight

...Voices? -slowly inches away-

13secoundstomidnight....w ill you marry me....because I love you and your sexily correct rant....

Eh, don't blame Pattinson. He loathes Twilight just as much as any sane person, the poor sap just had no idea what he was signing up for when he put his name down on a four-movie contract...

dont hate the series hate the moronic fans that went buck crazy over this shit. twilight started out innocent enough and it wasnt till the movie came out that suddenly every one and there mother has read the book and think robert patterson and taylor lautner are the secound coming jesus christ.

i loved the books, well twilight and eclipse anyway, until the stupid twihards and twimoms runined it.

agreed! I don't know why everyone thinks Twilight is such a travesty to teen literature- was teen literature ever that great to begin with? Seriously, why bother with the stuff, read some Jane Austen or Jules Verne if you want good literature for crying out loud! It's a mediocre series that's fun to read if you don't take it seriously, like most things for teens- the people that would sell their grandmother's soul to get a date with Pattinson just make it heck for everyone!

Alternately, the people that would sell their grandmother's soul to kill Stephanie Meyer slowly and painfully kind of get on my nerves too- I suppose it is pretty insulting to big horror fans, but yeesh, they get so ANGRY! Anyway, I thought you made a good point, and that's my little rant.

Hopefully she's old enough to differentiate fantasy romance form idealism of future real-world romances. What a lot of people dislike if nothing else is the negative impact Bella (as a rolemodel) may have on brainless teenagers, like Paris Hilton & WAGs.

Wait, the Dork is here and there isn't a flamewar spanning the entirity of the first page? What kind of alternate dimension is this? What, is Simon Cowell a nice person in this dimension?

maybe he had a breakdown like Anne Rice Xp

Perhaps...just maybe....all of our hearts grew three sizes today.... :0

A Bum Review of [u]Twilight Three[/u] already? Make us laugh Chester, make us laugh.

It could be worse: http:// www.heraldsun.com.au/ news/breaking-news/man- dies-during-twilight- eclipse-in-new-zealand/ story-e6frf7jx- 1225888147224

It's just sad.

haha, I like how they called his death "not suspicious" I know it's out of context, but it's really funny to me to think of the police coming, seeing what's on the movie screen, and just muttering "Figures."

Not that hobo death is funny- it's most certainly not.

Really? Most guys I know hate Twilight because of the sexism, the unhealthy relationships, the selfish apathy of Bella, and the fact that all of the above are considered a romantic ideal.
Then again, most guys I know wouldn't think that a movie's quality is based largely on the amount of female eye-candy on display.

I feel your pain. My sister likes it because it's so well-written. She's 20 :pinch:

wow you read my mind! my sister is obsessed. reading the books and all.

me mum's 53 and she likes this garbage...

I think Doug is secretly a Jacob Fan. He still hates the series, but might like it better if it went for Jacob.

Put on a shirt.

NEVER!!!!!

Hilarious.

Go Team Jacob! XB

Loved it :)

Lol indeed, great review!

Well...better this than a "Last Airbender" review. I mean....YEESH! That was a Bad movie. Hell, even the Bum would hate it.

So yeah, Twilight...you have to TRY to suck now. NO! Worse! Dragonball Evolution...is better than "The Last Airbender"....



Okay.....I have had my rant. You may all thumbs down me now.

You're so right, AndrewDeLong. I'd go so far as to say that MegaShark vs Giant Octopus was better that "Last Airbender." I loved that TV show so much... why did Hollywood have to destroy it? And they're already planning the second and the third (that's why the beginning says "Book One: Water").

Great review as always Doug! Keep it up!

yeah..I feel i could sue Hollywood, it seems everything i ever liked, with the exception of Digi-mon has been raped and razed that i don't even think i could sit through an episode of dragonball anymore..ah who am i kiddin..i couldn't even get through the opening narration of the movie, be damned if i couldn't watch an episode of young Goku

I pretty much agree with this review of Eclipse. I couldn't even believe that I was watching it most of the time.

... The only thing I liked was the gratuitous violence xD

I don't understand how people are supposed to sympathize with Bella's character at all, though she did make me feel better about myself for having more personality than a blade of grass.

Great review as always!

You forgot to mention that vampires are apparently made of porcelain.

& fireworks.

i think i was forced to the best midnight showing of this ever... THE WHOLE THEATER WAS RIFFING ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!

Haha, you don't know how lucky you are. I went opening weekend with a friend and we started out making (quiet!) jokes when they were called for (the marriage proposal, Jacob's shirtlessness, the Cullens standing in the forest looking like an album cover), and the girls next to us whirled around and yelled at us to take it seriously. I honestly don't even know how to do that, sorry, Earnest Twihards.

You [i]know[/i] Bella's a waste of space when even Chester A. Bum is talking shit about her.

Most guys that went to see this movie were either gay, or has a girlfriend who loves Twilight and wants to get some. B) This is the greatest review of this movie I have seen. Lol, if I don't want to see the movie and it is on here I'd rather watch this. Lol. I also noticed the Princess Bride reference. (You are noted on IMDB on the Princess Bride page for your Free Willy review :D )

In the Escapist forums, some people were talking about their friends; guys who dragged their girlfriends to see this series of movies. Bella is their idealism of femininity & they were hoping she would rub off on their girlfriends.

That's just disgusting... How could ANYONE like Twilight? The books are just a compilation of purple-prose and thesaurus rape (aka: glorified fanfiction) and although this movie was better in comparison to the other two, STILL! The whole basis of this franchise is disgusting! Vampires don't fucking sparkle!!! And last I checked, werewolves weren't freaking pedophiles either! What the Hell Stephenie Meyer! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!

Stoker must be rolling in his grave! Hell, DRACULA is probably rolling in his grave... or coffin...

Point is, Twilight kills brain-cells. End of story.

No. No it is not. I speak from personal experience. I am writing a book because I want to create something meaningful, and if I happen to become independently wealthy, too, so much the better. Anyone who writes (or works in any other artistic medium) primarily for money is a hack with no morals and no integrity.

On a somewhat unrelated note, you just summed up my feelings on Justin Bieber's music. I write music just for the fun of it, but the asshats who gave him a record deal in the first place had only dollar signs in their eyes.

People need to stop raping the literature, music, movie and video game industries just to make a quick buck. (Psst...that means YOU, Stephie!)

Ugh...Twilight stinks.
Yeah, i've read all the books and i'm ashamed that I did.

Still though, the 4th book is...MESSED...UP...
I don't see how they're going to be able to make that into a movie without giving it an R rating.
At one point, Edward gives Bella a C-Section...with his TEETH.
Yeah...wait til that one comes out.

Well I read the birthing scene will be cut from the movie.

WHAT?

Darn, I was hoping for some mind-raping gore, it would have made all of this worthwhile.

I'm hoping it gets R so that we have a tween mass-suicide :P

It sucks because the only reason that I read 4 was because I misheard somone say 'Bella almost dies' so I thouhgt she actually did die... and I fell into a deep depression when she didn't...

Wasn't this book chosen as "Children's Book of the Year" in the UK? WTF?

that may be the only one worth seeing! O.O!

Sad to say a fourth film will happen and like "Deathly Hollows" it will be split into two parts. Considering how even there are fans that are disturbed by what happens "Breaking Dawn" I just wonder how much they would keep of that book intact.

Call me evil, but I'm looking forward to hearing children cry at Deathly Hollows. Never really thought HP or Lemony Snicket were appropriate for kids; too morbid.

Finally, someone of like minds.XD

Kids usually seem to have an easier time dealing with the morbid than their parents. It's the bizarre and unexplainable that tend to freak them out.

... like... clowns.... *shudder*

Then again, you could argue that HP wasn't meant to stay strictly a "children's book". Many of the readers that were "Harry's age" (11 or 12) when the first book came out got a chance to see Harry and the gang mature as they themselves matured. I was one of those readers, actually, and I couldn't be more satisfied with the way the series panned out, in terms of the evolution of its target audience.

How the heck are they going to pull that off? I read Breaking Dawn - that could easily be one film if you cut out off of the thinking and whining.

WORD. There's no plot, just a little sex and a little gratuitous gore and a whole lot of WHY THE F*** AM I STILL READING THIS.

You mean the movie about an emotionless emo vampire, a werewolf with no balls, and the most selfish, bitchy, emotionless, manipulative teenager in the world in a love triangle wasn't good?
What a surprise.

Teenage girls all over the world aspire to be like Bella, but my crushing optimism for humanity leads me to think that, no matter how hard they try, there will still be an annoying, niggling spark of (gasp) personality that will keep them just short of the ideal mate: a 109-year-old dead pedophile or a nudist pinchy-faced dog-man who is probably also a pedophile.
:woohoo:

Jacob is indeed a pedo as he apparently falls in love with Bella and Edwards baby girl in the last book. :0

If the reviews at Cracked are right, Jacob develops a crush on the vampire baby. I think that makes him count as a pedowolf.

Vampire BABY?!? :X Didn't the writer know ANYTHING about vampire mythology when she wrote the book? :angry: I mean come on!

Every Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan I know (Including Me) is insulted by this series.

Of course she doesn't. Vampires don't sparkle in sunlight, they burst into flames and disintegrate. Werewolves don't transform whenever they want and the transformation takes half a second: it happens on a full moon and it's an agonizing, long, and cool-looking process. She could have called the creatures she made up "Sparklelings" and "Wolfbursters", but then no one would buy them. :huh:

I didn't see any of the movies, nor did I read the books, but I have a friend that rambles on and on about it... because of the idiotic things she tells me about those vampires I now have a permanent red spot on my forehead. T_T

Wow. the Bum nearly crossed into Critic territory when he mentioned bringing a jacket to the mountains.

twilight is best put as this. A teen age girls choice between necrophilia and bestiality

You mean there is a difference?

Edward's not only a Christian vampire, he's a MORMON vampire!!

As if he could not become any more asinine!

Hey, speaking as a Mormon, I can say that this crap ain't Mormon in the least. It's a PERVERSION of all Mormon ideas on love and eternity; if Lord Zedd did his thing - twisting something good into a monstrosity - with Mormon idealogy, Twilight is what you would get.

I LOATHE Stephanie Meyer and what she's done, sugar coating unhealthy ideas and a warped sense of love with our ideas about being together forever. Hell, she even goes AGAINST our ideas on it with the whole "werewolves can steal people's free will" stuff. She has as much right to call herself Mormon as an Inquisitor had to call himself a Christian.

Bottom line, your ignorant, bigoted comment is not appreciated by those of us who actually know anything about Mormonism. Good DAY, sir!

Too Far? Are you kidding me you guys are the laughing stock of the "Christian" community. I thought you guys would be used to worse than that by now. Also can you guys stop waking me up at 5 IN THE FUCKING MORNING TO TALK ABOUT "THE LORD" I don't want to hear it, I mean how many people do you really "convert" doing this crap! ok, my rant is over.

Hiss, hiss, spit. It's a good thing you capitalized certain words, or I might not have noticed that you were OFFENDED. :side:

Nothing against Mormonism there, but don't you think it's an even stupider addition to Edward's character to make him a Mormon? Even if he was just a Christian, like Chester said, it would still not make any sense. It would be like making an Islamic mummy. There's nothing inherently wrong with Islam, but giving that trait to a mummy is just... well, asinine.

I was going to make a joke about Bella having to meet the other fifteen teenage vampire wives or so that Edward's married over the last century, but that seemed a bit gauche. :whistle:

Sorry... keep forgetting that this site actually supports italics and the like. ^^;

Last time I checked, Edward wasn't Mormon. He didn't go to church, tune in to General Conference, talk about the Book of Mormon or Joseph Smith or anything of the sort. He just has Mormon ideas, imparted on him by Meyer. Twisted, very warped versions of those ideas, but they are there nonetheless. As for asinine, "That word... I don't think it means what you think it means." And the fact you said that he would be asinine for being Mormon, not that the addition was.

It would be gauche, if I couldn't agree... but I can tell that you'd make it out of outdated stereotypes instead of actual relevant information, so all the same, piss off.

When will we learn to just SHUT UP about each others' religions. Seriously. Stop arguing about which religion is a laughingstock or not; and don't insult another person's beliefs unless they in some way directly adversely affect you. You're getting sidetracked from what the real object of hatred should be here: Twilight. URRRRGH.

Shout at Chester, I'm just expanding on his "Christian vampire" joke. Also, why do you have "That word... etc etc" in quotation marks? Seems odd.

Asinine means "foolish or stupid". Edward being or not being a Mormon or anything else isn't asinine on its own, Meyer just shoehorning in "outdated stereotypes" (a staple of bad housewife writers) of Mormonism [i]into[/i] Edward's values is asinine. You'd probably agree if you understood subtext, or hell, even satire or black comedy.

Besides that, it's just two ridiculous words to see together. "Mormon vampire", or "Christian vampire"? That's like "atheist angel" or "Intelligent Design biologist", the words just don't make sense together. What is it about a vampire that even vaguely observes Christian or Mormon values except as an awkward way to impart some hokey message?

Explaining the joke always ruins it. :whistle:

His magical underpants sparkle.

Don't chicken out....review The Last Airbender too.

It's a bad sign when Doug is getting so fed up with a series that Chester is raging...

I am glad to know that I didn't have to waste my boyfriend's money and go see this movie with him. Seriously, the trailer made it look the fight scenes might redeem the movie, but now I know it was a lie. And now I don't have to see the movie because my boyfriend saw this review(and also read some reviews about how much it sucked).
Thanks Chester!

The fight scenes were how most of us got suckered into seeing New Moon as well....

PLEASE tell me that the Bum's closing comment in the credits is true!! Movie watchers actually coming to their senses?! I must be dreaming!! :woohoo:

GOD BLESS YOU CHESTER YOU tears streamed down my face when i saw this review

I know you love me, would you come back to me?
Yes, if you PUT ON A FREAKIN' SHIRT!
NEVAAAAAAR!

Wow. Just...wow. THAT is what Twilight is freaking like?! I did not get it, but now...just. Ugh. I think I'd rather slit my arm than watch this garbage.

I DON'T GET IT TWIHARDS!

I aint seeing it, It looks SOOO stupid

:0 Wow. I am very happy to not read these books or see these movies. Because if I did, I would be someone with the same IQ as Paris Hilton

Thank you Chester for spoiling this horrible film to me. If I ever meet you in person, I would gladly give you my change, because it is worth it.

LONG LIVE HARRY POTTER :!:

Yes! Because Harry has something to live for--spoiler! ;)

Damn straight!

...which we know Edward isn't.

...nor is Dumbledore...

XD

Yeah I just saw this movie last night. One more to go, and we're finally done with it!

Two, actually. They split [i]Breaking Dawn[/i] into two movies. I'm assuming we'll get Bella's first part and Jacob's section in the fourth movie and Bella's second part in the fifth.

I really hope the next movie stirs up some sweet controversey :D
Look it up. Edward literally chews a bleeding infant out of Bella's uterus after the baby kicked her so hard it broke her back. It's so romantic... ITS GONNA BE AWESOME!

You're right Doug... Bella IS the perfect role model! remain abstinent, get married when your 18, get knocked up, YAY OPPORTUNITY!

nutballs...

Felt more Nostalgia Critic-y at points. I guess that happens when Doug gets really peeved. XD

Oh, and Doug? PLEASE DESTROY LAST AIRBENDER. With all your might, crush it into dust. CRUSH IT.

That sad excuse for cinema deserves such punishment.

I'm a fan of the Avatar TV series, and I have to say that the movie made me ashamed to call myself a fan.

It was almost as bad as the live action Dragon Ball Z movie.

Hey, it was better than Twilight. Though, I have to admit, I'd love to see how he reacts to it...

Of course! *That's* what bugs me about Twilight. Bella doesn't think of herself enough. Totally makes sense now.

Great review. Honestly, I've been waiting for this movie to come out just so I could watch the Bum review it. (I plan to rent it when the DVD comes out for my own mocking purposes.)

Really, I'm looking forward to the fourth movie just to see the backlash that will result from it.