Five Across the Eyes

Five Across the Eyes

Written by Phelous Wednesday, 05 January 2011 23:34

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(201 votes, average 4.85 out of 5)

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Comments (211)

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01.05.2011 - 23:46 | montanker

Wow! Theres so much wrong here I don't know where to start!
-Ask for directions at the gas station, maybe?
-She hit the other car going like 1 mph. Why was she freaking out?
-Why did she pee on the clothes? I guess the implication is she pissed herself, but didn't she just use the bathroom?
-I'VE GOT A SHOTGUN
-"I'm being chased by a murderer! Let me just crap in my hands then fling it at them! OF COURSE!"
-So, her grandfather was made of concrete?
-The crowbar knocked the murderer out. They could take the shotgun and shoot her...no that's stupid.
-Did the band-aids cure her GUNSHOT WOUND?!?
-How did she not see the dead bodies in the store before?

Thanks for the lulz Phelous! You need to start dying again though! Since you're a Timelord now, you could just regenerate after being killed each time! I miss the death joke.:(

01.06.2011 - 16:22 | TragicGuineaPig

Did the bandaids cure her gunshot wounds? Well, that's how it works in video games.

01.06.2011 - 18:25 | forsaken7089

Whoa... Phelous... seriously...

I would have to write a BOOK to say everything that needs to be said here... so let's just say this... this movie is so bad my own shit would be offended if I took a dump on the movie's case/disc/etc(DID IT EVEN GET A DISC?).

HOW CAN THIS EVEN BE CALLED A MOVIE?
THIS IS LIKE A STUPID YOUTUBE USER'S VIDEO.
NONE of the people in this should EVER be casted on screen ever again.
End of short rant.

But who needs bandages anyway? Just chug a health drink like Phel! It works for all injuries, right Phel? :)

01.07.2011 - 01:34 | Phelous

Yeah, health drinks... is there anything they can't do?

01.06.2011 - 21:39 | WhyAreThere#sInMyName23

He died in the LAST REVIEW!

01.06.2011 - 21:41 | kingrat2314

Thanks for the short review, I couldn't be bothered to watch the real one!

01.07.2011 - 01:34 | Phelous

The crazy lady actually screeches something about pissing on the clothes which soothed her for a couple mins. I can't for the life of me figure out why the ashes conversation was there.
The store people were killed after they'd gone in the first time.

01.11.2011 - 21:05 | PunkWhatNow

It's possible it's called "Five Across the Eyes" because it feels like a slap to the face after watching...

01.07.2011 - 19:30 | Divide By Zero

"you could just regenerate after being killed each time"

No, didn't you hear? If you're killed you die. That's how people are doing it these days. Yup.

01.06.2011 - 00:05 | rogueofmv

Oh God... that music... what the fuck.
I'd be ashamed to call that a film soundtrack.

Also, people die if they are killed...

01.06.2011 - 00:00 | Jackass Mask

Fun video, but this seems more like something from Lupa's area of review. You usually do movies that were terrible and had a budget.

This movie just seems like a student film...but worse. Me and my cousins made better films with our Legos when we were kids.

01.06.2011 - 01:19 | TheListenerCanon

Oddly enough, Lupa just did Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3. Jeez, was it reverse day for them?

01.06.2011 - 05:37 | LikaLaruku

OL, CS, & Phelous are all review obscure shit no one has heard of starring people no one knows. We can only hope to squeeze a few crossovers out of this, even if it's camera-to-camera.

01.06.2011 - 00:49 | lastmemberofgenerationx - wtf

what the fuck was i watching cause all it was was shit, vomit, crying hot chicks, peeing wanting to be a i spit on your grave explotation shot on shitdeo ( thanks cinema snob) horror film by two guys that could not think of a plot and just did no plot of random shit

01.08.2011 - 19:23 | QuestionTheMajority

"Hot chicks"? Maybe we watched a different review. I personally find nothing "hot" about braindead, shrill-voiced teenage bimbos with their squealy "OMG, LIKE BRIAN DID NAWT TOTALLY ASK KATE OUT!" conversations. The nauseating Southern accents didn't help either.

01.06.2011 - 00:56 | pap64

...What the hell did I just watch? Girls crying, shrieking, stripping,crapping and peeing on each other...

Uuuuuh....

01.06.2011 - 01:05 | Evilkritter - The horrible irony...

Despite all of its faults, this is currently the best movie that Phelous has reviewed this year.

Let that sink in.

01.06.2011 - 06:43 | Turcano

I see what you did there.

01.06.2011 - 01:43 | Taufiq91

Seriously, i was WTFing the whole time.

It's like watching Road Trip meets A Serbian Film.

Seriously, who thought a mixture of SUVs, dumb girls and defecation scenes would make a good movie?

Even Eli Roth would facepalm at this piece of shit.

If you want a better road trip horror film, then go for Wolf Creek which was beautifully done and shot. Even if Ebert gave it a zero, atleast it's over 9000 times better than this pile of shit.

Thank you Phelous for giving this shit the beating it deserves!

PS: Is it me or does the female driver from that "film" looks like Marc Zuckerberg's ex-girlfriend from The Social Network?

01.06.2011 - 01:20 | FullmetalNinja25

O_O Where the FUCK did you come across a movie like this Phelous?!

01.06.2011 - 08:56 | dennett316

I saw it broadcast on the horror channel in the UK, but it was called something else. I was channel surfing, saw about a minute of it and spent the rest of the night with a stress headache.

I know it's cheaply made and what have you but still, how does shit like this get ANY distribution at all? It makes Tommy Wiseau look like fucking Scorcese.

01.07.2011 - 01:41 | Phelous

The fact this had real distribution pains my soul... if I still have one after this.

01.06.2011 - 01:37 | Mattr75

This might be the worst movie you've reviewed yet. Excellent work as always!

01.06.2011 - 01:37 | Daemon25

Good revew Phelous. Shame about the shitty movie.

Do you think the guys how made this even had a script, or did they just say to the girls 'alright, just scream incoherently at the camera. Pretend to vomit or something every couple of mnutes. We'll add plot later."?

01.07.2011 - 01:41 | Phelous

They must have forgot the whole add plot later bit.

01.06.2011 - 01:40 | Dragonicflare7

Ok then....i've sat through this review and have only one question....anyone know what this movie is about? For i cannot tell in the slightest.

01.06.2011 - 08:58 | dennett316

It was a deep and thoughtful look into the seedy underbelly of drive by shit-flinging and the trouble it can get you into. I know I'LL never fling my shit at a crazy person who likes putting screwdrivers in vaginas...

01.06.2011 - 15:42 | Shardok - What it is about.

Well, this is a social study art film. It goes to great depth, inside the human mind, and might even be greater then "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". The plot of the movie is that one of the girls spoke with the stalking ladie's husband, and made a move on him. As far as i remember, he did nothing back. So the only logical thing to do was to shoot her own baby, the clerk, husband, visitors, the girls and maybe even some branches.

01.07.2011 - 01:43 | Phelous

Ah yes I totally forgot all that. It's a BRILLIANT device to induce headaches.

01.06.2011 - 01:47 | super_douche

Oh my God. That could be one of the worst movies I have ever seen. How did you make it all the way through it? I'm also assuming you probably had to watch it a few times to write the review. Thank you for the entertainment and sorry for the years of therapy you will have to sit and endure now.

01.06.2011 - 01:55 | Mr.Evil

You know, Linkara really hated this week's comic. Nostalgia Critic hated this week's review. You clearly hated this week's selection. We should call this the Week of Hate.

Thoughts:

- Boy, you'd think a movie with five young women pressed together in a small car would be more... oh wait, they're taking their clothes off.

Oh, wait, now there's a bunch of bodily fluids. Nevermind.

- This reminds me of a movie titled Invasion (no, the other movie titled Invasion... no, the other one titled... crap) where the entire film was shot from the hood-mounted camera on a police cruiser at night. Lots of pointless driving around, lots of bad acting. This movie suffers from the same low-budget aspirations, and it's just as bad.

- So... "getting" = "killing" = "dead". I never understood that before.

- WHAT...IS...UP...WITH...T HAT...SOUNDTRACK?

Great review.

01.06.2011 - 21:37 | montanker

Week of Hate? Like 1984?

"These terrible works of fiction came from the Eurasian government and Goldstein himself! BB! BB! BB!"

01.06.2011 - 22:47 | Mr.Evil

Indeed. 1984 - scariest novel of them all.

Personally, I think we have more than enough hate-based entertainment already, but sometimes it's refreshing to just designate a time period for it. I mean, why can't we be upfront about our evil instead of hiding it?

Hmm... Week of Evil. I like that idea, too.

01.06.2011 - 01:55 | Sakanero

My god was that horrendous to watch. I can't imagine sitting through the whole movie. A modern shot on shitteo film. Good choice dude.

01.06.2011 - 02:01 | DorknessFalls

This may have moved too far on the bad meter. Maybe a movie that actually has something in it to make fun of will be more fun? This really is like those painful Saturday Night Live skits that are just one joke repeated constantly.

I'm not saying you did a bad job with the material given but since you did choose the material, you are still to blame.

I can't believe this movie was even made! I've made better movies than this with a crappy script and no budget.

01.06.2011 - 02:07 | DarthThought

OK phelous you made me sick with that last skit; and I've sat through all three bourne movies you think i'd be immune to shakey cam!

All in all great review even if I wonder how this got released or even when it was released. It looks like something the Cinema Snob would pass up, and he reviews porn. It does make me wonder if you and Obscurus just switched movies though. Wow....

01.06.2011 - 02:08 | KenxKao

And to think, the reason this movie happened is because they wanted to get home quick, so they decided to go down a road they don't know the destination too.

. . . seriously WTF? This thing was crap from the first frame to the last.

Speaking of witch, why were they playing crack DDR music over the credit's? That was the only scary thing from the movie.

Great review. Don't let it get to you.

01.06.2011 - 02:10 | Desertpunk23

That shotgun had a sales tag on it.....did the crazy woman just buy it?

01.06.2011 - 02:22 | No one

Wait, was she chasing them because they hit her car?

01.06.2011 - 21:40 | montanker

No. Hitting the car was just another excuse to yell incoherently and piss themselves.

01.06.2011 - 22:08 | Semudara

No, she was chasing them because they killed her family. And her baby! And they insulted the glorious purple monkey king!

01.07.2011 - 01:39 | Phelous

Yeah I ended up cutting the purple monkey king scene because you can't really see him and it goes nowhere like everything. But no her hitting the car never comes up in crazy's yelling crap.

01.06.2011 - 02:23 | Havoccerus - Um...That music would be awesome in ....

The game City Connection also...How nice of you to share that PoC .....My eyes hurt now and I want to go kill something to death.

01.06.2011 - 02:34 | Deimos1984rd

Sweet mother of god what in the world was that??? this was not a movie at all...this was a sanity test to see if you could stand annoying teenage girls rabble, babble, cry, yell, scream, puke, and holler over and over and over until the pain begins...If I saw this without you tearing it apart, I'd go insane seriously I'd go insane, there is no way in hell for this movie to exist unless the creators intended to annoy the viewers...so thank you Phelous for tearing this shit a new one...wow that was a painful movie.

EDIT: by the way I liked your version of the movie better :P

01.06.2011 - 02:32 | The_Awesometeer

Was this a student film?

01.07.2011 - 01:37 | Phelous

It's a miserable joke home video "film".

01.06.2011 - 02:36 | EarthboundXE

A question my dad asked, where do you find these movies you review? HAHA!

01.06.2011 - 03:02 | Shinigami

This movie surely has fitting name. After all its punch to the face to everyone who watched it.

01.06.2011 - 03:13 | garvis - wha wha wha?!

what on earth was that? a bad film school project? its not even on wikipedia. thanks fer makin this watchable phaleous. i haven't laughed that hard in awhile

01.06.2011 - 13:06 | Dierna

Not on Wikipedia?? Yes it is...

http://en.wikipedia.org/ wiki/ Five_Across_the_Eyes_% 28film%29

Heck it even has an official website. At least with wikipedia and the website you now know the er uh.. "plot" or at least a basis on WTF is going on.

http:// www.fiveacrosstheeyesmovi e.com/

01.06.2011 - 18:15 | Crunchy_Frog

Wait wait wait... this means the people behind Wikipedia consider this shitty, inept piece of junk movie "notable" enough to be part of Wikipedia, but delete pages on i.e. well-known webcomics like Order of the Stick for not being "notable" enough? Or maybe the director of this movie sneaked the page onto the wiki, and so far no-one has noticed and marked it for deletion.

As to having an "official website", anyone these days can cobble together some code and upload it on the Net, you don't even have to pay for a domain name. Geez....what has the world come to.

01.06.2011 - 03:15 | casualruffian

Well, I have to give them one thing: honestly, that's how a group of teen girls may well act when they're freaked out. I knew girls like that growing up and I've been around them when they're freaked. It was pretty true to life. It certainly doesn't make for a good movie though.

01.06.2011 - 09:01 | dennett316

What seriously? You know girls that are this stupid and would resort to flinging their shit at people? You know some freaky girls.

01.06.2011 - 03:38 | TrueNovember

I blame Imagination Worldwide for releasing this thing as a film.
The shit that she flung out of the van went into our eyes.
It's hard thinking of whitty jokes when this movie had nothing but.......NOTHING!!

01.06.2011 - 04:11 | Strider_Reborn - This Looks Atrocious.

I know when it comes to survival that people sometimes do stupid things but Jesus! did these chicks know anything about self-defense? No Pepper Spray or Tazers? Did they even have Cellphones to call for help? Nope! they just throw bodily waste at people and use random tools.

My father once taught me that "People are weak because they choose to be." I think I believe him after seeing this review. lol

01.07.2011 - 01:36 | Phelous

They did have cell phones but they just say there was no service like every other film that wants them quickly out of the way so I didn't bother mentioning it.

01.06.2011 - 03:44 | Sairen

....

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Just the cliff notes of that movie made me feel ill. Only your commentary saved me from that horrible...thing.

01.06.2011 - 03:56 | PLA

what

01.07.2011 - 07:45 | ggbhtg

"what?...WHAT? ..........WHAT."

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