Phelous FTW.
Black Christmas
Written by Phelous Thursday, 23 December 2010 00:46
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Comments (99)
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12.23.2010 - 00:58 | ninmarilynfloyd
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12.23.2010 - 07:35 | forsaken7089
Ugh... Why'd you have to make me remember this movie Phel? I actually repressed and forgot ALL memory of this movie. Then I come here, and bam, "Black Christmas", aw fuck me, not that movie! No! Ah! Of all that shit, why that movie?! You somehow found my PERSONAL demon. Incubus and Cabin Fever don't have shit on this.
I saw this sack of shit a few years ago, and luckily, I managed to forget all about it. I literally nearly suffered a post trauma SHOCK when I saw the words "Black Christmas" here again. Remembering this movie is like being reminded of forgotten memories where you were molested as a child... in fact I think it's probably worse than that. Just admitting that you saw this movie all the way through is just... well... Saying, "I didn't have anything better to do", just don't quite cut it here, you know what I mean?
I'd rather be stuck in an open graves triangle time loop which consisted of watching Incubus OVER AND OVER with party cop at my side, as opposed to watching this shit again. It's THAT bad.
On a side note, how's Christmas Phel? Take a break from the bad movies and do something fun.
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12.23.2010 - 07:55 | QuestionTheMajority
I remember this movie as well, but my recollection of it wasn't nearly so horrible. Of course, I only saw the end of it, so that might explain why I wasn't so traumatized. I remember going to hang out with a friend of mine and he was watching the very end of the film. I asked him what it was and he said "Some shit that thinks gross equals scary" and turned it off before it was all over.
Eyeballs being popped out and eaten is not scary. It's gross. It's nauseating. It's repulsive. But it's not scary. I'm not going to be frightened by it. I'm just going to cringe and feel like throwing up. I want to be SCARED, movie, not SICKENED! Bah!
I'd like to see the original Black Christmas as I love a good subtle horror film. Shame about it being remade. I don't think it's possible for people to remake horror films these days without taking the afore-mentioned "gross equals scary" route.
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01.27.2011 - 09:49 | Madara XIII
OMG You just reminded me!! Phelous should do a review of Jack Frost Killer Snowman!
That'd be the greatest christmas review of all time.....Oh and before I forget
*CandyCane to the neck* THE CANDY CANE BANDIT STRIKES AGAAAAIN!
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12.23.2010 - 22:59 | montanker
This comment is SUBTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!
Seriously though, funny as hell Phelous!
(Oh, and I just bought Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 for iPhone, and I can't beat Shao Kahn with anyone but Sub Zero! Any advice?)
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12.23.2010 - 01:14 | TheListenerCanonI'm sorry Phelan, but this isn't one of your best videos. I found to be kinda boring and slow. They were good to OK bits like the different endings (especially using a clip from Clue) and you ranting was funny. I just felt it was weak.
Now, before anyone thumbs me down, let me say that I not only love Phelous, but he's my 3rd favorite person on the site and I enjoy most of his reviews.
Also, will you be doing the Bloodrayne movies?
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12.23.2010 - 05:10 | Doitaiya
I agree, but it feels like he couldnt work very well with this particular movie. Its nothing special or especially bad, just a horror flick. But even though I gave you a thumps up, "boring" Phelous Reviews are still great, so it got five stars. (And one in every 50 is a awesome quota ;)
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12.23.2010 - 23:01 | montankerI think you meant to say: "I'm sorry Phelan, I'm so sorry."
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12.23.2010 - 01:22 | ThaluikhainGreat review.
Oh, and that's the Trial of a Time Lord intro you've moved on to? So...you can go from there to the 7th Doctor, and then stop completely?
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12.23.2010 - 01:27 | Fois33Great review as always!
Was that supposed to be a Festivus poll in the background? Or just something to hold up the lights?
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12.23.2010 - 02:10 | Taufiq91
merry Christmas Phelous.
oh, Mickey Rourke. I know you have no career anymore (atleast before The Wrestler), but playing a female serial killer? in a Black Christmas remake? Seriously?
Oh wait. That's not Mickey Rourke isn't it?
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12.23.2010 - 06:44 | Strider_Reborn
Actually she looks more like Iggy Pop.
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12.23.2010 - 02:07 | moviebuffmel90
Merry Black Christmas Phelous
Great review to cheer me up this week after final exams, hellous work and shopping for the folks. The ending with Canous (or Cano...how its spelt) was memorable and the Clue gag was perfect. Till then have a great holiday and see you in 2011.
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12.23.2010 - 02:20 | ggbhtg
Jeez, this movie was WAY too subtle. What holiday was it? Easter? Oh, and the eyeball thing? That really should've been a trend. It only happened like 15 times! I'm sure they could've "squeezed" a few more in there. Oh, it's Mary Winstead. You may recognize her from future reviews such as Final Destination 3- oh wait, Film Brain did it already...whoa, she was Ramona Flowers?!- no, can't get distractted....Death Proof- no, that was a tribute or something...ooh, The Ring Two! No way that can be good!
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12.23.2010 - 02:12 | Vyxanis
Love the opening :D
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12.23.2010 - 02:15 | Deimos1984rd
Wow I felt soiled looking at this "remake"
Again great review and a merry christmas to you Phelous
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12.23.2010 - 02:26 | ggbhtgOh, and thumbs up to using Colin Baker's Doctor Who OP cover just in time for the Christmas special.
Any hope for starting off the new year with a review of a good movie?
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12.23.2010 - 02:27 | PhantomEdge
Eye see what you did there.
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12.23.2010 - 02:47 | Grimfang
u rock
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12.23.2010 - 02:50 | Themonsean
poor Dawn, after Buffy was canned she went on a trip to Europe, then she had a short ice skating career. Then she ends up being ended on Christmas. Poor poor girl.
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12.23.2010 - 02:53 | brick mooncode
Welcome to The Phelous Fourth Wall, where bad remakes burn?
The term "horror classic" carries a lot of meaning, because it refers to a time when horror was by far the most effective means for great visionary filmmakers to reach mass audiences. So, as I see it, the growing amount of "re-makes" of horror classics as dark and mindless mutilation exercises feels like a growing hatred towards good movies and the people who make them.
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01.27.2011 - 09:33 | Madara XIIIYep. Sounds like you pretty much hit the nail on the head there. Either way I thought this review was gonna be about the remake for a second.
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01.27.2011 - 09:34 | Madara XIIIWait correction: He is doing the remake....*Shudders*
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12.23.2010 - 03:01 | Cloudcutter
I remember my best friend talking me into seeing this with him on X-mas in the theaters. At first i hated it as much as phelous, but after about 20 mins i just could not stop laughing at how utterly stupid it was. i even thanked my buddy for talking me into seeing it. but still, yeah God it was sucked.
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12.23.2010 - 03:05 | whatever42
Just how much more focus on eyes could they possibly do in this movie? It got just plain silly fast and didn't get any better. That's not to say the movie was good to begin with, or course. Remakes of older horror movies done these days are rarely, if ever, done correctly.
Overall, a good review Phelous. I especially liked the ending to the review and the Christmas Rape Horn. You just sounded so confused when you said it.
Merry Black Christmas Phelous!
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12.23.2010 - 03:57 | Bowiesgirl
And the *eyes* have it ;-P
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12.23.2010 - 03:58 | Grimm
wait ..your Canadian and you have never seen an ice scraper with a brush handle before? Its a savage land of snow and yeti attacks. you KNOW what an ice scrape her. ice covers 48% of your country!!
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12.23.2010 - 03:59 | badgersprite
This movie. Ugh. One of the most frustrating remakes I've ever watched. Maybe I'm just unfairly biased against it because the original Black Christmas is possibly my favourite slasher film of all time, but--
Oh, no, wait, this remake is still shit.
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12.23.2010 - 06:30 | slayem
I 100% agree with you!
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12.23.2010 - 04:01 | Angelic Plague
Why is it that every time I see Phelous' wide-eyed face in the intro sequence, I instantly lose the "Don't Laugh" contest?
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12.23.2010 - 04:41 | Nevet1212
Good job Phelous, this was a halarious review, and hope you have a very merry Christmas.
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12.23.2010 - 04:43 | frozencookie
Subtle!
I love remakes, the give a lot of stuff to criticise about and are good examples of how not to make a movie.
But honestly, I hate remakes.
Merry Christmas Phelous!
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12.23.2010 - 04:43 | jalford
RAPE HORN!!! VIVA, LOS RAPE HORN!!!!!
Also, there were two versions of this, in the U.S. and U.K., both of which had alternate endings and death scenes.
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01.27.2011 - 10:46 | Madara XIIIThe Rape Horn: Turning the concept of rape into a hilarious meme based on a movie about trolls.
Wow the internet really knows how to mess with your mind..... *Blows Rape Horn*
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12.23.2010 - 05:06 | JesuOtaku
The magical gift of WTF?!
Truly the greatest gift one can receive! ^w^
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12.23.2010 - 05:14 | slayemGreat episode!
I love the original Black Christmas, and I really hate the remake!
Oh, and why did they have to make him YELLOW!?
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12.23.2010 - 09:49 | dennett316
I think it was to ensure there was absolutely no chance of taking the killer or the movie seriously.....or they really like The Simpsons.
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12.23.2010 - 05:31 | M.Seijin
I think I would rather watch a movie about the killer tree in your title card then this.
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12.23.2010 - 05:49 | Shinigami
Black Christmas? More like shit brown christmas.
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Interestingly the Remake was done by the producers of the Final Destination films but the problem with the remake is The overuse of shock value senselss gore that The Final Destination films Ironically love beating us over the head with. Also I think you should've made a Ramona Flowers Joke since Mary Elizabeth Winstead is now famous for her role on Scott Pilgrim Vs The World, And what baffles me the most is why The Hell Did they make Agnes look like Iggy Pop? lol
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12.23.2010 - 07:06 | Amaretta
And Merry Christmas to you too,Phelous!)
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