Robo Vampire
Written by Obscurus Lupa Monday, 16 January 2012 00:29
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Comments (79)
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01.16.2012 - 00:34 | SpeedyEric
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01.16.2012 - 01:35 | Lou H. Wolfskin
The chinese vampires/zombies are actually called Jiang Shi and the trainer is most likely a shaman/sorcerer in the original story. The paper attached to the forhead is supposed to be the command given to the Jiang Shi.
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01.16.2012 - 02:03 | GLKnight
Correction, not the direct command. It's like the Seal of Solomon, giving the Taoist priest the power to control the Jiang Shi without it wreaking it's fury on himself.
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YESSSS!!! More poor animation! It's a Krissmiss Meericle!
Hopping vampires? Really? And they had naked breasts in the movie, but not on any of the characters that hopped? I'm guessing Baywatch hadn't reached this part of the world yet.
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01.16.2012 - 14:25 | LermontIt's a cultural thing. In ancient China, if a person died far from home, it was very often their will to be buried in their place of birth. So there were corpse delivery services that transported the corpse by tying it to two bamboo sticks in vertical position between two men. They usually did it at night to avoid needlessly disturbing the citizens. If someone DID see them, they were presented with a terrifying sight of two men running and a corpse jumping between them (the thin bamboo sticks wobbling with every step and being almost invisible in the dark). That's how the legends started.
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01.16.2012 - 02:44 | BooRat
Video won't play!
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01.16.2012 - 23:28 | BooRatAwesome it finally played today!
I gotta say this was pretty cewl looking! I'd buy that for a dollar!!
This would be awesome as one of those modern martial arts movies with Jet Li and Jacky Chan! Maybe they can remake it! :P
On the subject of the weirdness of the vampires here... I'm not that weirded out by them and the stuff happening with them as I read a lot of Manga and Anime and you learn that their mythology is just... odd! The paper of their foreheads are prayers... it's the equivalent of you putting a cross or a vile of holywater on a western vampires head while they're in their graves! Also just in-general all vampire mythologies have weird rules like they can't crossover running water, they gotta count things like they got OCD, and they like untying knots... we tend to ignore that stuff now!
Subspecies? I think i've heard of that one or saw it in video stores growing up?! Is that from Fullmoon Productions like Puppet Master?!
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01.16.2012 - 02:59 | Sharpe34Being a bit of a bad Kung-fu movie watcher, yeah all vampires hop in these movies, it's not just this one. Rocken review Lupa, I have this movie on a DVD, part of a twin pack the B title "Mr Vampire"
is a much better film. Ok that's not saying alot.
You actually did a better review of this than I thought was possible.
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01.16.2012 - 03:11 | Kaiju-Z
I'm gonna use my geek skills here to say that those are Jiang Shi, a sort of Asian Vampire. Then again, they don't drink blood, but the life force of a person. Sorta.
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01.16.2012 - 03:56 | cscarlett15
XD pffffttt i can't stop laughing at that cat from the begining, the voice it's just so funny to me and i don't know why.
man these reviews are awsome, ive never even heard of most the the films but with no doubt i want to watch them know just for lulz
have you ever heard of the film "when good ghouls go bad" it's pretty bizzare
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01.16.2012 - 04:40 | illpropaganda
Lupa rules! Excellent review!
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Its not that mike did it first, you did like a week after he did his review of the film. Wait at least a month
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01.16.2012 - 13:11 | ohe
And even that's not that big of a problem in itself, but this is the third or so such case in a very short time that has happened on these few biggest review sites. It starts to feel like people are copying each other on purpose because they can't think of what to review.
Are you all frequenting the same obscure movie sites and getting excited about recent updates?
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01.16.2012 - 13:52 | brick mooncode
Remember when the Star Wars Holiday Special suddenly became pretty easy to obtain, and everyone was suddenly reviewing that?
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01.16.2012 - 16:40 | Obscurus Lupa
I had planned this for a long time, the fact that he reviewed it just before me was a coincidence. So kindly stop being a jerk.
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01.16.2012 - 19:23 | Linkara
By that same token, the AVGN also did a review of Plumbers Don't Wear Ties a week after the Game Heroes did a Let's Play of it.
Or, in other words, get over yourself - there's no reviewer sign-up sheet and no internet reviewer rules that say they can't review the same material within the same span of time. There are no reviewer dibs, reviewer shotgun, or reviewer races to get there first.
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01.17.2012 - 23:42 | SpeedyEricAnd let's not forget that AVGN and NC both reviewed The Wizard at the same time, and James Rolfe said the same no sign-up sheet thing.
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01.16.2012 - 06:12 | penpaninu
OMG!! Your cracked out photoshopped cat made my day! I couldn't stop laughing :P
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01.16.2012 - 14:26 | TheBrigeedaRocks
I don't know if it was the voice or if it was the eyebrows or the look on your face the whole time, but Ash had me cracking up more than I probably should have.
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01.16.2012 - 06:42 | Relaxo
So crime lord Bob Dylan trains Darkstalker characters to protect his blessed drug assets...Sounds good to me!
I also love how this is the most laid back movie ever when something weird happens.
"Huh, vampires in our drug cartel, eh? *shrug* sure.
"A ghost is pissed at us because we vampirized her lover? Ehh, ok, whatever."
"You want to turn this dead dude into a robot? Yeah, aight."
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01.16.2012 - 07:10 | agrippa911
"Orientals are a stubborn race". As an oriental, I must admit that's true.
Great review, did you get a new camera Lupa? Everything looks clearer.
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01.16.2012 - 08:10 | Axel Osbourne
I actually saw this in a video store years ago, but never rented it (I'm regretting it now) By the way, Lupa, have you ever seen a movie called "Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires"? Peter Cushing and a family of kung-fu fighters vs vampire kabuki actors: I am not making this up! Also I'd recommended a movie called Inframan (sometimes called Super-Inframan) a chinese movie with a robot man saving the world from monsters that look like bad muppets. Crazy, cheesy fun all the way.
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01.16.2012 - 08:15 | C-Puff
Hopping Vampires:
Because they are dead rigomortis has set in and they can't bend their knees any more, so they hop.
This is not me making up bullshit btw, it's the real reason you see so many hopping vampires in Chinese cinema.
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01.16.2012 - 08:19 | sombrafox
When I was seeing Mike Matei's review I was wondering whether or not the ghost was topless. I was surprised he got away with posting that on youtube. Great review!
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01.16.2012 - 09:24 | SirbucketheadIf not for this review, I would not believe that this movie existed. I remember hearing Robo Vampire somewhere, but I don't believe I saw Mike Mattei's review. I can see why a movie like this would leave you speechless. Looking forward to your next review :)
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01.16.2012 - 09:26 | DarkBee
My mind is full of WTF right now...
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01.16.2012 - 10:24 | Flaregun
The only thing that could have possibly made this movie more batshit insane/awesome is if it had actually featured a half robot-half vampire cyborg creature, or "Robo-vampire" if you will, like the title promises. You gotta admit, that would have been sweet.
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01.16.2012 - 11:33 | The_Awesometeer
I love Lupa
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01.16.2012 - 12:46 | Guild Navigator
Jiang Shi flicks used to be practically a sub-genre of Hong Kong cinema. Sammo Hung popularize them in the early 80s. But they don't live off your blood,but rather your ki (vital energy). There are some bizarre vampire-like creatures in folkolre all over Asia. In Japan there is one called Kappa that'd surprise-buttsecks you if you take a dump by a river. The Vetala from Northern India attracts you with its humming before dragging you to its grave. But by far the most insane has to be the Leyak from Indonesia,which is a floating head with all the guts attached and hanging of it (watch the cult flick Mystics in Bali and you'll see).
BTW,those Bhuddist "notes" are usually refered to as Wards (in the case of the Japanese Shinto ones (ofuda) they're also can be called Talismans).
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01.16.2012 - 12:32 | 3DMaster
You know, that movie is so cheap, I bet some amateurs could do better than the "professionals".
For an anniversary, or maybe the next CS or AVGN movie, or just you all working together should just remake Robo Vampire - but you know, with a title that makes sense, and properly remade, like with The Fly.
Like something like this:
Future city slum:
Crime boss: "YOU LOST THE SHIPMENT!?"
Goon: "Well, only part, it was the cops, we managed to get half the dru-"
Crime boss: "I don't give a damn about the drugs! That's just money. It's the blood we want!"
Goon: "Yeah, about that, I never got what you want to the blood for anyway, boss."
The crime boss suddenly rushes forward in his frustration, grabs the good by the throat, and opens his mouth; fangs suddenly sprout from the upper and lower corners of his jaw, revealing himself to be... a vampire! The crime boss vampire bites down and drains his goon. Then he straightens and unceremoniously drops the goon's corps to the floor.
Crime boss: "Anyone else want to act like a buffoon, and be only good for food!?"
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01.16.2012 - 12:33 | Cassave
Robocop 3 was far worse than this...
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01.16.2012 - 12:47 | HeneWow, I'm so confused it's amusing me. Might have beaten Pocket Ninjas in WTF. Too bad that robot didn't actually drink any blood. Your MSpaint cat was awesome too. Wonder where all that "Mike did it first" shit came from all of a sudden, since this hasn't been an issue even within TGWTG. Oh well...
8:18 "Stop! In the name of love!"
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01.16.2012 - 13:15 | oheMaybe you should spend a week having everyone review the exact same movie over and over. That'll show 'em. Don't know show what to whom, but that'll show.
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01.17.2012 - 10:49 | Tashofthefuture
Let me guess, someone stole your sweetroll? Build a bridge and get over it, there's no such thing as Reviewer dibs and there never will be.
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The crudely animated cat picture that makes disparaging comments cracks me up more than anything else on this website.
It's either hilarious or I am easily entertained. In any case, I'd love to see it become a recurring character.
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01.16.2012 - 14:29 | Furrama
I think the world needs more Bad Photoshop Cat.
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01.16.2012 - 14:36 | HanSK
Overtly long gag is long
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01.16.2012 - 14:48 | Animikean
I was wondering when you'd get to that movie, it used to be shown with the rest of the great horror shlock before Halloween, now such runs aren't so common :(
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01.16.2012 - 14:49 | Zilchtastic
This was great. Best moment: Lupa's face when the Robocop ripoff explodes. I laughed so hard.
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1:35- “Suck this, creep.” (BANG)
I’m guessing that they dubbed the English speaking parts because the filmmakers went the “Angel of Fury” route and not film any sound during principal photography.
I say it’s best NOT to show us the cutting up the donkey part of this puzzle of a movie.
I would pay attention for what the ghost was saying, but I couldn’t keep my eyes off her black box.
Robo-Vampire looks like a supporting character for Power Rangers (pick a season), and I DO agree that he looks cool in a cosplay kinda way.
12:29- Sounds like some guys have been watching WAY too much Beavis and Butthead.
I’d like to see a team-up story of RoboCop and Blade. It’s not that hard to picture; vampires invade Detroit, Blade followed them, Robo is on the case, and they team-up during the height of the story. Who’s with me?
15:22- Worst. Porno plot. EVER!
Maybe this cut-and-paste movie would have been better if it starred Pierre Kirby.