Bad Movie Beatdown - The Cavern

(120 votes, average 4.83 out of 5)
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Note: This video was produced prior to Halloween, hence the reference at the end.

Comments (82)
  • Doc Brown  - Ummmm...
    I seriously thought this was an Asylum film when I first heard the name.

    Also, watching this movie in the dark is not a good idea the blurs and blooming in this movie is way too bright....
  • Bradman1978
    why the hell would you bother makeing a cg fire I mean wood and matches are that expensive. I can't believe the ending. he must have also eaten animals in the forest to get the pelts.
  • a-la-mode
    Ugh, hate, hate, hate it when movies include rape to feel they're being "dark and serious". Throwing rape around for shock value doesn't make me take anything more seriously, especially when the rest of the movie was totally ridiculous and cheap; it's just disgusting.
  • Amykins
    avatar
    THANK you, I feel the same! I think Sage put it best when he said there's nothing more horrible and violent than raping someone...so if you're going to put it in a movie, it has to mean something. You don't downplay that shit!
  • ohe
    avatar
    I hate when people react to such a trivial thing with great passion instead of just brushing it off as not a very effective thing to do in a movie, namely, what you're doing right now. Assuming it's not effective, of course, because seems to me that many people (again: you) haven't really gotten over the fact that rape exists.

    Artistic expression should always have room for exploring, no matter how low-brow you'd assume something is.

    And Amykins, you totally DO downplay that shit, every once in a while. Any matter, including the idea of rape, always gets off worse if we ban some specific way to present it.
  • Fuzzy Necromancer
    No.
    This isn't "exploration". Exploration implies your doing something new. Just including rape because Rape Is A Thing That Happens To Women and Darker And Edgier, that is a rather well-worn thing.

    It's not the fact that rape exists. Every woman knows that,and most men do. It's the shoehorning in of rape scenes totally unjustified by the script, with zero emotional weight and lots of chauvinistic exploitation. Also note that "banning" was not discussed.
    "Brushing it off" is what apologists do. Reacting to it with passion and addressing problems with a film is the job of a reviewer.

    Matthew, this is a good review of a truly execrable movie. I'm glad I know to pass over this if I see it in a bargain bin.
  • Malidictus
    Bullshit. Rape is not "trivial." It is - or at least should be - unthinkable. Anyone with a shred of human decency needs to treat it as such, and thus treat it responsibly. If you use it in your movie, you damn better well make sure there is a point, or don't use it at all.

    Just because you can doesn't mean you should. And if you do anyway, you're deplorable. I'm with Film Brain on this one.

    *edit*
    And fuck "artistic expression" as a catch-all excuse for hack directors and writers. That's not a shield to hide behind. It doesn't matter if you're going for art if what you produce is deplorable garbage.
  • Neo_Genesis
    Honestly, one thing has always bothered me about film, and its this idea that murder is somehow less deplorable than other acts. You can barely watch an action movie without someone snuffing it, be it with a gunshot or a knife. Yet taking someone's life is always seen as a far more casual affair than, for example, sex.

    While I think most people can agree that rape is a horrible act which no one should be subject to, so is murder and torture. So much so that the more violent movies which involve on-screen torture I simply refuse to watch.

    I just find it interesting how we, as a society, have heavy censorship on anything remotely sexual, yet taking someone's life is just another day in the park.

    I agree that rape scenes need to be handled with care, but its odd how no one feels the same way about random acts of violence in their films. A fascinating talking point, if nothing else.
  • The Battousai
    avatar
    I wouldn't include rape when talking about sexuality in film. It's rarely, if ever, about sex.
  • Catbanshee
    avatar
    I remember my dad picked this one up from one of the sales bins at video warehouse. because I love horror movies I gave it a watch. this is one that isn't even fun bad. I love riffing hilariously bad horrors but this one is just bad.
  • Amykins
    avatar
    Even more hilarious is that this is supposed to be "based on a true story" aka ripped off of some ridiculous story that a caver made up on his Angelfire page years ago. XD
  • FishEyenoMiko
    avatar
    If they were gonna do that, they should have done "Ted the Caver".
  • BizarroGeek
    avatar
    This feels kind of like one of those movies where the director was desperately trying to showcase their talent and how "provocative and deep" they could make every scene here. Seems to me that the only thing this provoked was an epileptic fit or two.

    Also, the MOMENT those two girls showed up without clothes my mind went to red alert. I actually kind of hoped it wouldn't go there, but.. well, it did.
    Ugh. It's really one of the most disgusting things in film to see a cheaply thrown-in rape scene, especially when it's this arbitrary. The director could have done anything. Anything at all. Instead, no, we've got to be serious guys so rape it is.
  • archer1949
    avatar
    A couple of years back, Netflix sent me this sucker to me on accident, but I decided to check it out anyway. I barely got twenty minutes into it before the incessant flashing and muddy photography started giving me a headache and I had to turn it off.

    Looks like I didn't miss anything.
  • Rue_Ryuzaki2  - ..
    avatar
    Uhhh yeah I want a some strong alcohol because thats just terrible. The same guy from the 4th kind did this crap? I mean yeah the 4th Kind wasn't gold but in comparison to what was witness it is now compare to that.. What can you call this movie? I feel bad & I get the feeling Film Brain that you spared us from a few other things within this movie.
  • rushfan2112  - suggestion
    avatar
    can you review The Last Airbender (2010) it is the worst movie i've ever scene
  • the gangsta of love  - the last aribender
    The last airbender was already reviewed by this site and it took multiple reviewers to handle it. It featured Todd in the shadows, Jesuotaku, and an entire hotel room of others. I don't know where on the site they have it. I just googled "the last air bender review that guy with the glasses."

    What I what to know is when is he going to review the movie "The change up". I swear the director made that movie with the intent of getting it on 'bad movie beat down' it is that unwatchably awful.
  • DMaster
    The Blockbuster Buster covered the former as well, though the mega-crossover was an arguably better video. That review is listed under Y Ruler of Time's Specials page.
  • THOOM
    avatar
    That Airbender crossover review was one of the best on this site. I found myself laughing and re-watching segments throughout.
  • DukeNukem3D0
    At least Bear Had a better ending but its not saying much
  • TimX7
    I think George Lucas could probably sue over the DVD cover. As the creature face looks similar to General Grievous. Seriously it does.
  • The Movie Explorer
    avatar
    How, how, how is it that you manage to get saddled with all these films full of seizure-inducing flashes? Combined with the shaky-cam, it nearly made this review unwatchable for me.
  • elrick43
    .......... was that a rape scene at the end? i went back like six times trying to figure out what the hell was going on. did the caveman's shoulder explode at one point?
  • Film Brain
    avatar
    He kills Bailey by impaling her through the head (that's what exploded) and then Miranda is raped. To be fair, I cut the rape of that back only enough to establish what is happening. It goes on a bit longer in the actual film.
  • Dreamcast  - My eyes, my eyes!
    What is it with these white flashes in movies? Do they think it looks good or do they just hate epileptics?

    I saw the new Universal Soldier sequel and it features sequences with so many white flashes (seemed like every other frame), it felt like my eyeballs were about to burst.

    Maybe it's a low-budget film thing, to hide the lack of money for set design and effects work but...I'll take my action and horror, hold the seizures, thanks.
  • unc
    avatar
    Been noticing this for a while now. There's this odd hissing in the audio when you're on camera. It gets really annoying when I've got headphones one.
    Is there a draft near the camera or something?
  • ManicWolf
    avatar
    Wow, I don't think I've ever seen you get this (understandably) angry at a film in any of your reviews before. What an utter piece of shit film, even before that totally disgusting ending. I pity anyone who has had to sit through the whole film like you had to.
  • Kaiju-Z
    avatar
    Thank you for tearing this piece of shit apart, FB! Just... THANK YOU!
  • leviadragon99
    avatar
    Ganon? What the hell is Link's nemesis doing in this movie?

    In all seriousness though, that ending does make this a pretty vile one.
  • Jeff Jacobson
    I've never even played a Zelda game and I was thinking the same thing.
  • PlasticFrogCG  - Cave Horror Movies...
    avatar
    I've seen both The Descent and The Cave (and thanks to BMB I don't have to see The Cavern).
    Do you know what the real problem with all three films is? The "monsters" aren't really monsters!

    The Descent - mutant human cave dwellers who have been living underground so long they've become like animals

    The Cave - human cultists who were exposed to some kind of virus and mutated into creatures.

    Both were extremely lame attempts at the the old "humans are the real monster" tactic and it would have been much better had they actually made the monster some previously undocumented species or at the very least some sort of alien. This is especially true of The Cave were the creature design was so not human the only way you could tell they used to be human was by finding a tatoo on one of them, which was lampshaded earlier in the film.
    I was very disappointed by this "twist" because I was looking forward to the creatures actually being creatures.

    That they felt a need to explain the creatures at all is even more disappointing. The reason the Xenomorph from the Alien franchise is so frightening (disregarding Prometheus) is you don't know what it is! All you know is it wants to kill you or use you as an incubator to create more of them. Trying to explain their origin really dumbs down the horror aspect.
  • Orpheus
    avatar
    I half agree with you, PlasticFrog. I have not seen The Cave, but I really liked the Descent. It's one of the few horror movies that actually scared (And I mean SCARED, not disgusted) me. That might be due to a slight claustrophobia.

    But I do agree that this kind of monster is kind of mainstream and not too thrilling.
    I always think - why should these monsters be such a threat. As much as I enjoy "The Walking Dead" - it's a mystery to me why those slow and stupid zombies should be such a devastating enemy. In this case - malnourished cave-dwellers should not be so hard to overpower by healthy young well-trained men and women.

    I suspect that it's safer to make a "humanoid" monster. Creating something that is both frightening and new is not something just anyone can achieve.
    If it looks fake or not threatening enough - people might ridicule you.
    There is a reason why Giger's alien is such a exceptional movie monster.
  • Sewblon
    avatar
    I think that the "Cave monsters turning out to be humans" trope is derived from a Lovecraft story where that twist is the entire point of the story. The difference is that a short story can have the explanation for that without disrupting the pacing or straining credibility too much.
  • Ranchoth
    avatar
    At the risk of sounding like I'm defending the movie, I *could* imagine ending a film mid-rape scene...only, however, if it were a much better or much different kind of movie than THIS one obviously was.

    It's like any other "serious" subject—I mean, Schindler's List featured the Holocaust, but it doesn't mean you can make a movie where Little Orphan Annie goes to Auschwitz, just for quick cheapy drama.
  • Veran
    avatar
    Okay... that guy playing the writer looks an awful lot like one of the foremen where I work.

    Interesting.

    Yes. Lighting is important for film - this guy I know who knows this shit tells me a good lighting guy can cost you almost $500 a day. So, maybe they saved some money?

    Why they bring guns spelunking? They read way too much Lovecraft or something?

    ... So... I gather you didn't care for it very much?
  • Orpheus  - Even worse...
    avatar
    To me, the ending made sense - in a twisted way:

    I thought it was supposed to be the door to a sequel.
  • Behellmorph
    avatar
    Good lord, at least with other terrible films (like Michael Bay) you can actually see what is going on during some parts of the film.
  • RAF
    It is rare for this show to live up to its name; you usually just review good or decent movies and pretend they are god awful. This is understandable because, like you have said in the past, truly bad movies are dull and do not work with your reviewing style. The only reason I sometimes watch this show is because of the hilariously hammy yet snaky British man child character.

    However, every few month you actually do review a bad movie, and this one was only a month after Art of War III. My hat is off to you Mr. Buck for enduring this horrible piece of crap.
  • DMaster
    ...what GOOD movies has he ever reviewed? Decent, I'll grant you, but...GOOD? What?!
  • Tom Smith
    avatar
    @ Dmaster
    I probably would have liked Equilibrium but that one is very open to opinion, I liked 10,000 BC which isn't supposed to be set on Earth, and um... my god, basically every other movie he has reviewed has been really bad or marginally decent.
  • Mousy Voice
    avatar
    Wow, the remake of Eegah! is surprisingly grim and violent. Lol
  • The MegaNerd
    That makes it five different levels of worse.
  • Dreammirror
    avatar
    Hey Film Brain--Got a suggestion for a much better "cave-like" movie for you to review. A little known Australian film called "The Tunnel", directed by Carlo Lesdesma. It was a free to watch online movie made on a shoestring budget and was pretty creepy. Guess it wouldn't fit the bad movie beatdown catagory though--meh. My 2 cents anyways, enjoy! :)
  • AbsintheMinded
    avatar
    I was thinking the entire time, "Man, I haven't seen Matthew this angry, annoyed and baffled by a movie since The Bear. Then you mentioned The Bear. I think this movie was giving you Nam-like flashbacks of that shitty movie.

    I found you later as I was feeling out the guy with the glasses crew and The Bear was the first episode of Bad Movie Beatdown I'd seen. It was the funniest review I'd seen on this site and I felt embarrassed for the bear itself for having been in the movie against its will. Thanks for making me laugh again and again, Film Brain. I live in Louisiana and need all the laughter I can get.
  • Ewanwhosarmy
    avatar
    Dude, when you signed out you sounded like a broken man. Considering the shit you've reviewed that's really depressing.
  • The MegaNerd
    Yeah, some of these guys really take a beating from their films, the Critic's review of Pearl Harbor is actually kinda hard, Linkara's review of Holy Terror, Obscurus Lupa's review of Monster High, Bennet's not-review of Violence Jack.
    These are all some of the most interesting reviews because we see past the characters and we actually see beneath the skin of these people which is both interesting and saddening.
    Movies should not exist that can do tht to a person.
  • Graylander Tagger
    Man, Oh Man! That endings gonna scar my brain for awhile. I wouldn't have minded the ending if it was an actual ending, but it just feels like the film stopped and that they forgot to finish it. It's just lazy as all hell with no rhyme of reason.

    Granted the design of the monster... Er caveman is very impressive(I gotta admit that his skull helmet combined with his pelt clothing makes him quite intimidating) and the idea of a cave horror film where the monster is a single cavemen is interesting(sadly wasted).

    The only two good things I can say about this film was the music and the box art. They real should have shelved the money they used on those two elements on the camerawork and the lighting.
  • The MegaNerd
    The Caveman thing, while clever, is actually not that original, go watch Eegah, it's a terrible film but at least it's fun bad, the kind of bad you see on Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
    This movie is just hateful bad, the kind of bad you get when some moronic director decides to shock the world with his edgy new film, the idea someone looked at this an decided to give it a wider release baffles me to no end.
  • Mattevansc3
    Good review but seriously disappointed with Film Brain for resorting to a virginity joke.

    I watch this series more than any other on this site for the deep analysis, witty humour (if framed slightly more common denominator) and the fact that Matt does take issue with infantile humour.

    You've made tirades against movies for using homophobic, racist and sexist jokes but using someone's sexual experience as an insult is okay? I'm sorry but I thought you were better than that.
  • astro-pez-monkey  - Well noted, Mattevansc3
    avatar
    I was also thrown by the virginity slight against the guy who is socially awkward and lacking some of the traits that define what we think of as "handsome" in our society. I'm also thrown by my own choice of words - "virginity slight", as though nobody has ever been celibate by choice.

    Here's how I'd have expected that scene to play out:
    Dorky Guy: *awkwardly tells how much cave diving he has done*
    Other Characters: *make a joke like the one FB made*
    FB: "Oh, that's right. Because he stumbles over his answer, he can't POSSIBLY be telling the truth, and he CERTAINLY has never had sex! ...You twats."

    Yeah, I'm late discovering this show, and this episode - but I still feel it's worth saying. I rarely find your jokes to be in poor taste, Film Brain. That joke was.

    Also, this movie's deplorable ending can only be considered "abandonment" - of the female character, and of the audience. And what's worse - the rape half-scene needed to be cut down? It actually went on LONGER than that? Just when I'd thought it couldn't get any worse... I think that FB's rage and anguish at the end of the review - which was jarring in its open honesty, or maybe he's just a damn good actor - was an entirely appropriate reaction.
  • 18jade  - kazakhstan
    My brother is from kazakhstan and I found it was very cold the first week and the next week was so hot i had to ware a tank top so i'm not sure weather that was accurate description of kazakhstan but the planes there aren't the best so I don't see why you'd want to have an expedition..not what would I know.
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