Bear

(147 votes, average 4.78 out of 5)
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Comments (116)
  • forteblast
    How to fix this: rename it "ThreatDown: The Movie" starring Stephen Colbert. It might still be stupid, but an awesome kind of stupid. Like everything Bruce Campbell does.
  • ultramanmattia
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    I want that beeaarrr. ''thunder strikes''.
  • LevelUpLeo
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    I love the introduction.
    "BBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAA AAARRRRRRRR"
    Cue Charlton Heston from Alaska?

    10:07 - I love her shocked face when the bear comes in. Not so much horror, pain or panic, just kind of :O

    19:54 - Ok... Why do they still feel safe in the car? We've established that the bear CAN GET IN! It's killed the only person who died so far in that manner.

    God, this looks worse than most college films. Was this film's budget based on the cast member's allowance? It's like they wanted to mix jaws with slasher flicks and be as unoriginal as possible while doing it...
  • EP.Pixels
    Good to see SOMEONE made the BEARRRR joke.
  • SpeedyEric
    avatar
    0:51- (Cue bear photo and dramatic music with thunder and lightning)

    2:25- It already feels like a slightly bigger budget version of “Five Across the Eyes.”
    11:50- In speaking of “Five Across the Eyes,” this film has the same grainy camcorder thing.

    4:13- He’s probably watched too much Colbert Report.

    7:39- It’s idiots like this that show why I don’t drink or smoke.

    Dear lord in heaven, this movie is cheaper than the piece of crap 2002 Dodge Neon SXT I just got.

    17:43- STUPIDEST. HORROR FILM PLOT. EVER.

    I also love Mouse Hunt, and awesome job with the Anchorman clip.
  • BooRat
    avatar
    0:51-BEARS!

    2:25-I thought the same thing!
    11:50-You mean no budget!

    7:39-It shows why I should!

    Mouse Hunts a classic!
  • SerenityMoonstone
    avatar
    Whooo one of the first people here, never had that before :)

    He he he Molassia.

    To be fair, middle of no where is likely to have little to no signal service.

    Geez, me and my fiance were just debating about horror stupidity and where it crosses the line, but damn, drive the fuck away!

    You know, this could have been legitimately scary had not been done stupidly. Like, they ran out of gas, took a snack, bear gets attracted by the smell of food, attacks them in the car to get the food, next thing they know, they are surrounded by bears looking for food and are scared shitless.

    Wow, so many mistakes, how did no one notice?! If you look up Ted's Burger on Cinema Butcher's Youtube channel, we make damn sure nothing is showing and continuity flows. I pointed out at one point that she needed to go back for her stuff. How do these idiots not do basic filming shit!

    A flash back to 5 minuets ago no less!

    "Suck my dick"? Apparently these writers have no idea how women insult each other!

    Less then 80 minuets?! God damn! There is no reason this couldn't be fucking 25 minuets long!

    GOD DAMNIT! I can't believe how many things are glaringly obvious! Did no one bother to watch the screen, stop, say, "hey, can you take 5 steps back? perfect, out of shot", and start over! It's as simple as that!

    Any food will do. Bears smell food from miles away. One of the first rules of camping is never leave food or food wrappers out, clean up EVERYTHING. The slightest hint could attract bears. So attracting them by cake is not really ludicrous.

    FUCK YOU!! Bears aren't that smart! I was going to give you the killing thing, but not the dragging!

    the bear!

    I like the spiritual thing, if it was done better. But this was done by idiots.
  • Kooshmeister
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    '"Suck my dick"? Apparently these writers have no idea how women insult each other!'

    My sister has used that insult unironically before.
  • White Rabbit
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    One of your best. Thanks.
  • TheDogSannin
    avatar
    Look out! It's a ninja bear!

    That's how it sneaks around so easily, managing to repeatedly get the drop on them despite BEING A BEAR!

    ...

    Quick! Someone call a bunch of pirate badgers!

    And then, to get rid of the pirate badgers, we'll summon vampire wolves. And to get rid of the vampire wolves, we'll bring in zombie crocodiles.

    The zombie crocodiles we'll have to bring in more ninja bears, which brings us back to having to deal with ninja bears.
  • fnorgen
    avatar
    The horrible lighting makes me wonder why they didn't just use day for night. It would probably have been cheaper, and it would have looked slightly better.
  • ladydiskette
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    BEAR! *hugs Bear*........*and then realizes this is not that cutsy wutsy little teddy bear from AT4W and dies* XP


    Tell my plushies.......I love them.....*dead*
  • HankMan
    I'll save you!
    *Releases the manly powers of his Chuck Norris beard*
    YOU SHALL NOT CLAIM HER!
    *roundhouse kicks Death in face then forces ladydiskettte's soul back into her body and heals her wounds through the power of his MANLY stare*
    Remember to be more careful next time!
  • Eleion121
    As Chaos D1 would say "BEARS DON'T WORK THIS WAY!". Bears attack if your in their territory or if its a mother bear with her cubs she'll attack if she feels you're a threat to her cubs. If you accidentally wonder into a bears territory while its there it will follow you and decide if you're a threat or not. If you aren't making much noise and leave in a calm manner the bear will leave you alone.
  • dennett316
    avatar
    Don't be silly, they're obviously revenge minded killing machines who must force people to choose between sin and redemption by making them confront their issues...I saw it on the Discovery channel once.

    Oh wait....nope, I may have been dreaming that. Carry on.
  • Bookiethebookworm
    avatar
    uhhh, it's not that easy to kill a grizzly bear. bear's hides and bones are extremely tough. unless you shoot it in the eye, it's not going to die that easy.
  • Knight of Sol
    avatar
    You know, if that bear really just wanted to maul them for... whatever reason, it could have just torn the doors right out of that van. That kind of thing happens every year because when they smell food in camper's cars. There was a story just recently where a bear breaks into a prius, knocks out the gear shift, and inadvertently drives down a hill.
  • sprezzatura
    avatar
    Yeah, the second I saw that cake, I was wondering why exactly they'd been able to sit in that car for like 3 hours relatively undisturbed, and no trace of a bear ripping the doors off in a frenzy of "ZOMG SUGARRRRY PEOPLE FOOD!" My dog wouldn't last that long, let alone a wild animal!
  • DorknessFalls
    avatar
    While I'm certainly not trying to defend this movie, changing a tire does take around forty-five minutes an hour when it's all said and done. Given that it was nearing sunset and that they were clearly in mountainous regions of some sort (I think) it's possible for it to be dark by the time they were finished. Mostly given that diminishing light would complicate things a bit.

    I'm estimating this given the average person's ability to change a tire, given that these folks don't have much mechanical attitude apart from magically making a stun prod from a cigarette lighter.

    This movie's pretty damn stupid.
  • MasterofHorses93  - New Birdemic?
    avatar
    This movie feels like a new Birdemic, but not campy or entertaining.
  • SpeedyEric
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    At least the bear isn't poorly CGIed.
  • EpicFish  - ^
    avatar
    Nope. Just a crappy bear suit. Seriously, wtf ending of the movie?!
  • BooRat
    avatar
    Wow, at 1st when I saw the title I mistook it for Grizzly the old horror movie from the 70s or 80s. The origional 1st movie to the unreleased sequal that Brad Jone's reviewed and had to take down because of some legal BS!

    Well, this is a movie I'll never watch it looks just so damn bad!

    A good movie about animal revenge you need to review is Orca! It like Grizzly is a shameless JAWS ripoff but it's at least got good effects and is memberable!
  • Random45
    avatar
    Wow. This movie some of the worst dialogue I have ever heard. I cringed whenever the characters talked... I really wanted ALL of them to die not even a quarter of the way through the review.
  • sprezzatura
    avatar
    that husband was the worst- at his first line, I was like "Wowwww... he really thinks he's a real actor, doesn't he? Isn't that sweet..."
  • Hanglyman
    avatar
    WOW.

    There are no words.
  • HankMan
    Bear: I don't care about your redemption! Just give me pic-a-nic basket!

    And I thought wilderness horror couldn't get any worse when I saw Cinema Snob's review of Grizzly 2, but this one didn't even have John Rhys-Davies!
  • Lakiver
    avatar
    Once it took me about two hours to change a tire...

    But I had never done it before. And I was alone. And it was night. And it was raining. And it took me forever to find the jack.

    True story.
  • Kaibaman
    avatar
    That...plot twist is more worse then M Night's....I mean seriously WHAT THE FUCK!
  • MelodicBlasphemy
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    Part of me wants to find a copy of this movie and watch it now. Curiosity has gotten to me.
  • diavid144
    the puns... oh god the puns!

    they keep making me remember teddy from P4.
  • CoolislandSong
    avatar
    most of the time a handgun just serves to piss the bear off. this movie is really down there, isn't it?
  • Minion of Yahtzee  - The bear knows, THE BEAR KNOWS!!!
    avatar
    THIS IS NOT OVER...BEARS!? Also every time the bear went away I always heard the classic line, "Time for a game of disappearing bears?"
  • SeparateWay
    avatar
    This is like Five Across The Eyes with a bear! And the bear being on the roof? No... no, sorry. Nope. Nope. No. No. Sorry, no. Nuh uh. Nope. Nope.
  • Mr.Evil
    avatar
    Face it, you did this review just so you could say that groan-inducing pun at the end, didn't you?
  • LikaLaruku
    avatar
    Initially I thought you were talking about this cute fictional animal documentary called The Bear, which was good, or at least pleasant.

    Derpdy doo, I'm a classy slut, I like to drink mouth wash after I smoke.

    I think the bear being the only likable character was completely intentional.
  • DreamingWings
    Its like Silent Hill. Except really, really stupid. And with a bear instead of Pyramid Head.
  • Deeth Irteen  - The obligatory pun
    Time for a game of Teleporting Bears...
  • Grumpy-Celt
    avatar
    It sounds like its time for a game of disappearing bears.
  • Archedgar
    This movie is EmBEARassing
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