Who would've thought it was possible for Johnny Depp to be boring?

Just make him act normal, same goes with Nic Cage. Just let them be.

You're my favorite gay reviewer so far.

He's not gay, he's British.

The "Diet Coke' commericals with the....what?

What kind of commerical has those pencil bodied horribly cgi-ed Bratz dolls wannabes?

And why thankfully have I never seen or heard of that commerical before until now? o.O

Not to judge the movie, but the premise seems so done for both Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie on separate occasions. Maybe that's the charm though.

Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie in a multi-million dollar gold plated pretentious turd. Remember kids, just because you have the highest payed actor and actress in Hollywood in your movie, it doesn't mean it will always be a Oscar winning smash hit. Good Job Matt, look forward to your next beat down and I like the new opening.

I preferred to stare out the window... and it was nighttime... and cloudy.

Matthew, you do not embarrass yourself, your passion is your charm.

How telling is it that I'm a straight guy who only cared about this movie because Johnny Depp is in it? I mean yeah Angelina Jolie is pretty hot in this but that is her only qualityand it does not redeem her for being a terrible actress in general who has so many roles in movies that bombed it's not even funny anymore. I honestly think that any acclaim she might get for her acting is solely for her farily underwhelming looks. I'm not even kidding when I say that watching Johnny Depp is actually turning me on far more.

Since when was Angelina Jolie ever hot?

No seriously. What the hell do people see in her?

She's a complete fucking dog. She wears more goddamn caked-on makeup in this movie than a clown, she appears pale, sickly and anorexic, she's wrinkled and dimply in the face, and she has disgusting sawblade cheekbones that you could cut diamonds with.

She looks like the lovechild of a medical skeleton and an 18th century whore with sunken-in eyes, and her lips are so bloated, they resemble an infected catfish.

And she's considered a sex-symbol?? Talk about low standards. Yeesh.

Sad to say, but if her performance in this movie is considered secondary to her looks, that says more about the sheer depths of her acting ineptitude than could ever possibly be imagined.

Well, my English teacher thinks she used to be hot but them she got ugly. Though I agree about the caked on makeup, especially in this movie. I know it's kind of nitpicking, but sheesh. When you wear makeup like that for everyday outings, and not special occasions, make you look really out of place. No wonder the spies found her so easily. She's not the most beautiful woman I've seen but she's definately not ugly, she just needs WAY less makeup.

Anyway... I kind of figured this movie would suck just from the commercials, so I never went to see it. Jolie and Depp are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum, I can't see them doing any kind of film together, let alone a ROMANCE. I LOVE Depp, if only because he's so much fun. He's great with far-out, almost cartoonish characters like Jack Sparrow. From what little I've seen of Jolie (the best movie I've seen her in is Kung Fu Panda...) she's better for more serious roles. Granted, though, I can't blame her for accepting a role. I'd probably take a role in a crappy movie if it meant millions of dollars and a chance to go to Venice, amiright guys?

By the way... For the budget, I'm guessing a good portion of that went to Jolie's and Depp's salary. They're two of the biggest stars in Hollywood and considered major sex symbols, they're not gonna come cheap.

I don't know how Starlight connects to the film, but more Muse is good Muse, so I endorse it completely.

That was the one scrap of enjoyment I got out of this movie.

Sure, the movie cost $100 million to make, but Johnny got 20 million for his part, and Angelina got 19, so that makes 39% of your budget for the two main stairs. I don't think the producers got their money's worth.

I'm an unabashed Depp and Jolie fangirl - seriously I watched Tomb Raider 2 and enjoyed it without any hint of irony, but my god was this film boring. What a waste of talent. Loved the review as usual though so there's that to redeem it slightly ;)

every scene with those two put me to sleep

From its premise and its inception this looked exciting.

A globe hopping plot with some of the best locations that could be put to film - Check!
Two exciting film stars as the leads - Check!
Directed by Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck whose last film was a near masterpiece - Check!
Written by Julian Fellows and Christopher McQuarrie, two fine, Oscar winning writters - Check!

Then how do you mess that up? I ask this rhetorically of course, Film Brain answered it perfectly.

Yeah this movie had no interest for me at the trailer fase and I like Jolie and Depp as actors!

muse!!

Facial hair does not suit Depp. He looks like Sirius Black from the HP movies (who looked absolutely nothing like the book description).

Jolie has an oddly sculpted, unnatural looking face. I think she's had work done on her lips & cheeks.

Who the hell did the makeup for this movie. Jolie is wearing too much & Depp isn't wearing enough.

Agreed, His best roles have always been whimsical & more often than not, manchildish. He's not cut-out to play serious & all-grown-up. Googling "tourist, depp, miscast" gets 1,5000,000 results, lol.

::sigh:: I'm almost 30 & watching people kiss still grosses me out.

Heh, I remember actually kinda liking this movie. Mind you, I saw it with a friend I hadn't seen in years, so my general excitement to see her again probably made me more accepting.

I did half-expect his letter to read "I know the police are following you, and I'm kind of surprised you don't. I mean really, they might as well sound an airhorn every five minutes".

Film Brain is a favorite!

It makes you wonder what the hell the HFPA were thinking when they nominated this turd for 3 Golden Globes (including Best Picture - Musical/Comedy).

Johnny Depp + Angelina Jolie dosen't equal good movie.

I'm glad im not the only one terrified by those chucky-looking puppets o.o

Are your referring to Angelina Jolie's face?

I think Angelina Jolie can be quite pretty when shes not wearing as much make-up as she is here.

You should really do Death at a Funeral starring Chris Rock

Second that. The original was so good, but the remake was MORE than just unnecessary; it HURTS the original by its existence.

AAAAAAHHH not the diet coke puppets!! They are very, very scary. Them and the Wonga puppets.

Yeah... I think I guessed the twist from the trailer.

Oh, God, this movie is such a ripoff of North by Northwest, especially the train scene. Actually, no, wait, it's actually ripping off If Looks Could Kill, of all things. Except for the ending, of course. In those movies, the hero was honestly just mistaken for someone instead of turning out to be him after all.

You're allowed to smoke electronic cigarettes in non-smoking areas, I think, due to the fact they contain no actual smoke.

Those Coca-Cola puppets scary the bejeezus outta me too!
Honestly, there is no point putting in two of the most attractive actors if they have no chemistry! And it happens, just because they are both attractive doesn't necessarily mean they are going to be attracted to each other. Anyway, I'm glad I never saw this, it just looks so dull.

(stands up) My name is Victoria H., and I am a Johnny Depp fangirl.

Seriously though, I'm not going to dispute your opinion about this movie as a whole because, in all honestly, when I saw the ads I just rolled my eyes and dismissed it as Hollywood's attempt to get their two biggest stars in a film together.

I may be a fangirl but that doesn't make me turn a blind eye to the notion that Depp can be in a bad movie. Remember "Public Enemy"? That was just an uninspired rehash of "Bonnie and Clyde". Granted, it had a couple moments I enjoyed (like when Depp as Dillinger was singing "Get Along Little Doggie" with a captive,) but the sheer unoriginality of the entire film made me angry.

Since you mentioned "Charade" in your hook and your introduction, I'd actually like to see someone do a video or article about why that film works and this one doesn't. (I love "Charade". :))

If there's one thing that really bugs me about this movie, it's that Jolie tries so damn hard to be sexy while Depp is just so laid back. It's just unsettling to me, and it adds to my confusion of why Jolie is so appealing. Next to Depp's natural I-don't-give-a-damn charm, Jolie just looks so cold and unreachable. (Even if I were attracted to women I still wouldn't understand her appeal outside her physical appearance.)

That part where Depp sneaked off the boat without anyone noticing, maybe his Sneak Skill was at 100. XD

Good lord, & this turd was actually nominated for Best Comedy or Musical (despite being NEITHER) at the Golden Globes?? o_O They were right to suspect bribery at some point.

This movie was such a tedious wreck that the clips almost put me to sleep. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if at least 80% of the cast was sleepwalking through this as well, certainly looks like it.

Anyhow, great review as usual, Matthew! ^_^

The plotholes make sense... BUT.... only because of a certain bit of production hell. Initially, the twist was supposed to be Jolie as Piers, not Depp. Jolie refused to play a transsexual though.

Huh, I just posted a comment saying that would have been a better twist.

If that is the case: RECAST THE ROLE! She'd have to know the script before they started filming, so they should have known this before hand. Recast the movie to keep the interesting and unexpected twist and find someone who works with Johnny Depp.

Really? That actually sounds like a fun idea. Maybe the film would have been better over all, with this.
But I can not find this bit of trivia anywhere. Sure you didn't just imagine it?

A good twist for this movie would have been if Elise was actually Peirce, not Frank. Certain things would have had to be rewritten, but it could have made more sense (at least more than coincidentally finding someone who looks like someone you don't know what he looks like- what?). It would also have been more unexpected.

You know a movie is probably going to be bad if Tom Cruize passes it up. Of course, I suspected something from the luke-warm media response to it when it first came out, despite it having like the two most highly paid actors in the world.

If Depp was supposed to be a highly trained thief, why did he act like a bumbling goon when he was being chased? There was no reason to keep up the facade, putting himself in mortal danger.

And Jolie refused to play a transsexual? You see Salt? It's ok, not many people did.

Your pronunciation of the directors name is actually quite good, only that the v in von is pronunced like the ph in phone. Great review by the way, cant wait for the next episode.

Yeah... except that it's not. V is pronounced like an F, like in "for" or "from".