Yerrible movie no matter how much i love the ol seagull i couldn't find it in me to even let this play to the end while i was in another room. I think i'm the only person to ever rent it from my video store
Shadow Man
Written by Film Brain Thursday, 14 July 2011 22:27
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Comments (92)
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07.14.2011 - 22:50 | kuijiblob
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Aren't they all? Plus, I just made a new account, and I'm the second comment! How cool is that? SECOND!
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When I was a kid growing up without a dad, my mom always joked that Steven Seagal was my biological father. And she kept that joke alive until I was fifteen, even as far to put his name on my birthday card.
.....how late is too late to disown someone?
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07.14.2011 - 23:17 | The Maskeraider
What the hell are you doing here, Imelda Staunton? You were Dolores Umbridge for Pete sake!
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Please tell me your doing Belly of the Beast next. :(
Just review it at some point at least.
It has demons, magic and Seagall, how could you not want to rip it apart.
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08.30.2011 - 03:32 | ultramanmattia
@Xzeon Don't forget the sexy asian chicks.
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Could have starred that dude from The Room...actually no...at least this movie would have become a comedy. And, hey, I bet even Tommy could move faster than Steven!!!
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07.15.2011 - 00:00 | mehjaI am not as surprised by the lesbians as by the complete lack of interest of the other women in the bathroom that some creepy guy walked in and takes a good slow look around. You would expect at least a raised eyebrow.
It's so good that scientist don't have lab books, data files or record their research at all or someone could easily repeat their work!
...and that they prefere to work in a gas chamber that can be triggered to kill them at any moment.
Work motivation program?
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07.14.2011 - 23:54 | Krmiller27
Say it with me SeaGALL not SeaGWOW
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07.15.2011 - 07:59 | mehjaSea-GULL
No, wait...
See-GIRL
Damn it!
Sea-GAUL
Merde.
Se-GWEL
...Oww, screw it! That's too darn difficult!
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07.15.2011 - 09:21 | mrskippy
Say it with me: "I will stop being a prick who nitpicks people based on their accents and verbal tics."
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07.15.2011 - 13:10 | KamikazeKitten
Would you give it a rest? Hes not saying SeagWOW. Hes British, as am I, and we pronounce it SeagAL...not SeagALL.
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07.15.2011 - 23:11 | Sheranda
Whoa! Your picture startled me! What is that?
Also, you made a good point. Give it a rest, Krmiller27 and mehja. At least he's not saying "Judge Hirsch" or "Ralph Bashki."
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07.16.2011 - 18:50 | KamikazeKittenWatch Big Trouble in Little China and you'll find out :)
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07.19.2011 - 05:20 | mehja@Sheranda
Eeeehhmmm...
I thought the fact that my comment makes fun of Krmiller27's "Say with me" was obvious.
I will add a - WARNING: SATIRE - sign next time.
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07.15.2011 - 00:13 | Harapeko4
lol nice review ~ was wondering when one of you guys were gonna get to this one =P
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07.15.2011 - 00:16 | Flaregun
Hey, say what you will about the rest of this movie, but Granny with an Uzi genuinely *was* pretty frickin' hilarious.
Although I don't quite get the syphilis face guy. If you don't want to admit that your face is grotesquely disfigured from syphilis, is "freebasing accident" really a more socially acceptable explanation, even among low-life gangsters?
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07.15.2011 - 02:04 | honestiago
Plus, having "syphilis face" doesn't even make sense. There is a cure for syphilis, as long as it's caught early enough, so that type of facial disfigurement hasn't been seen for quite a while. Furthermore, as syphilis attacks the brain as well as the face, anyone with as much tissue damage as the gangster in the movie would be bat-shit crazy and/or on his deathbed.
What was up with the daughter completely failing to prevent herself from being kidnapped by an unarmed woman? Didn't her martial arts master father teach her any self-defense? Sure, she's a kid, but even the four-year-old Tiny Tigers at my dojo know what to do if a stranger attacks: scream for help at the top of your lungs and then go for their eyes! Heh... that girl was practically asking to get kidnapped.
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07.15.2011 - 10:04 | some-other-guy-with-glassesI agree, I choked laughing on Uzi Granny, but then slipped into a laugh-induced COMA when Seagal shot her dead
also, I would have loved a jab at ToddInTheShadows when the masked syphilis guy appeared, but oh well...
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07.15.2011 - 00:21 | Forever_K1NG_
I hope they paid the stunt-double well lol
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07.15.2011 - 00:52 | Sebastian_Havelock
Not so much "Segal month" as "Segale double month"
I think the fat jokes are getting tired. FB even seemed to admit it himself with that
"I don't know if I've mentioned his weight yet..."
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07.15.2011 - 01:03 | uncThere's an old saying in my country "Segal intr-un film de actiune din ultima vreme, Baba si mitraliera", which explains the bit with the granny with the machine gun. The meaning is that Segal has about as much business being in an action movie in the last decade, as an old lady has firing a machiengun.
I wish you hadn't skipped over the parts where the mafia/police were speaking Romanian. I haven't actually seen this movie, and I was curious if they actually got locals to play the parts, or people who speak Romanian like Tom Selleck.
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07.15.2011 - 01:22 | Firefightx34Nice review. FB is one of my favorite people on the sight. Every review makes me laugh. Though I do care of Sly mouth more then Segal mouth. Also to add to it epic beard growing man you should keep it like that. Looks good.
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07.15.2011 - 01:26 | Cornwind EvilmanWhat? No guest star talking with Matthew's voice at the end to mock the body doubling? SHAME, SHAME!
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07.15.2011 - 10:05 | some-other-guy-with-glassesumm, did you not notice the dubbed-in intros from NC and Lupa as the FIRST LINES?
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07.15.2011 - 01:48 | BooRat
Damn that was a terrible movie! the only Segal movie I like are the Under seig ones and that's because there were better actors in those at least!
So, is the vampire one next?
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07.15.2011 - 02:22 | quizzabella
Imelda Staunton in a Segal film? WTF? What's next - Cate Blanchett in Danny Dyers latest opus?
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07.15.2011 - 02:29 | wildcard1985I did not realize that the Seagal skits from Mad TV where based so closely on his movies and not just parodies.
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07.15.2011 - 03:19 | Animikean
Nice American accent there at the end, must have been taking notes in Chicago
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07.15.2011 - 23:17 | SherandaI hear that the British are usually good at sounding American, and Americans are terrible at sounding British. I know I'm bad at it.
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07.15.2011 - 03:32 | Kaiju-Z
Just straight up bullship of a movie o A o
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07.15.2011 - 03:38 | Shinigami
Talk about fail when Seagal movie has plot that dosen't make any sense at all.
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07.15.2011 - 03:54 | IronicWhen he was talking about the touch of death, Seagal was technically right. The touch of death uses the same basic principle as acupuncture, manipulating the acupuncture points on the meridians. The difference is that Acupuncture opens these points and the touch of death closes them. At least, that's the the idea.
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... you should have done your research on chi, qui quong, tan tien, tai chi or aikido (you know the one they teach in police academy) before saying it's bullshit.
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07.15.2011 - 23:19 | SherandaActually, he said he was pretty sure that what Steven Seagal said was nonsense.
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07.15.2011 - 05:32 | MikeJ
I am still BAFFLED by this movie. BAFFLED.
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07.15.2011 - 05:44 | SharilaWhy do I get the feeling that there's eventually going to be a Seagal movie that has his role done ENTIRELY by body and voice doubles?
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07.15.2011 - 05:45 | KainGercmaybe Seagal will let film brain borrow one of his body doubles for his action scenes (they will look about as much like him as they do to seagal)
seriously man is your head OK?
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07.15.2011 - 05:59 | justanotheronionhead
Sad sad sad...Wonder if he'll do Half Past Dead soon?
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07.15.2011 - 06:00 | ZoonerdWhat I don't get is why they don't just let the Seagal double have his own movie and save the cost of having the actual Seagal in it. And by now you gotta think those DVD's don't sell more for having his name on them, if anything it puts people off.
Cut the cost of Seagal, and splash out on a more competent Screen Writer. It can't possibly hurt.
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07.15.2011 - 06:00 | patrick_o
This movie amuses me. Not that I'd sit through the movie again or anything, but this analysis of it is excellent.
As for the fat jokes, I'm fat myself. I'm not offended, rather amused. Seagal is an action "star" who should be interested in keeping his weight down so people will believe he can do what he seems to be doing in his movies. I, on the other hand, am just a nerd with a blog about books. :)
In all honesty, though, this is a prime example of why I hate Seagal movies. They're not fun to watch and the action is really tame, with Seagal's acting so wooden I keep expecting him to catch fire after an explosion. It's why I prefer JCVD: more involved with the production, better action, a lot more fun watching the movie, and as the movie JCVD shows, he can ACT. (JCDV with a Hamlet moment? Paradox!)
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07.15.2011 - 23:25 | SherandaI agree with you about Steven Seagal being fat. Like I said under the previous review, he should keep himself in shape if he wants to be an action star.
JCVD? You mean Jean-Claude van Damme? Which of his movies are you talking about?
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07.15.2011 - 07:43 | Furious George
1:57-2:01 shines the brightest out of all the jokes you have ever made in all of BMB's history, Film Brain. I totally lose it every time I see it. XD
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07.15.2011 - 23:30 | SherandaYou mean, he's banged his head against the wall before?
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