The Vampire's Assistant

(76 votes, average 4.43 out of 5)
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Comments (87)
  • Korahn
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    I only vaguely remember this movie. Well, the title at least. Love the usage of Duckula in the opening (I really need to track that down again).

    As for the next review - Jason X is one of those guilty pleasures of mine. I know it's stupid, but it's stupid in a fun way for me.
  • muddyscarecrow  - DAFOE!
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    URGH! Willem Dafoe was in this movie and for some reason HE'S not playing Mr. Crepsley!? What the hell?! Who honestly thought Dewy Cox was the man they needed to be the intimidating and dangerous Larten Crepsley?! This whole movie is just fucked. Like, how the fuck did Daren get a DS on his body? Did his family bury him with it because it's his most precious possession? In the book he sits in that coffin and waits. ALONE. playing Nintendo while waiting to be dug from your FUCKING GRAVE kind of undercuts the horror Daren Shan was going for. Then again I highly doubt anyone who made this gave any fucks about horror. They probably figured vampires haven't been scary since twilight. Who needs any of that terror shit?
  • shenlow558
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    while i never read the books and therefore have a very limited idea of what the characters are like, maybe the reason John C. Reilly was picked, was because while he is a great comedic actor he is a damn good serious actor (see gangs of new york or chicago)
  • elelgood90
    TO be fair, the movie does show how he gets the DS on his body. His friend gave it to him.
    In my opinion, The Vampire's Assistant is a guilty Pleasure. I saw it in theaters twice. I enjoyed watching it with my friends. Hell, I even loved John C Reilly in this.
    But I totally agree about the lead being boring. But I guess I always figured that he was supposed to be a complete bore, so it didn't bother me when I watched it.
  • Nostalgia Critic.jr  - WHY
    WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYY does this move exest
  • MechaDon1980
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    Love the war he has with the Crypt Creeper evry Halloween XD
  • Modernmarveler  - This thing !
    Ok let me preface this rant with saying I am a huge huge fan of the book series read every one at least 4 times. Ok so this movie was supposed to combine 3 books together
    First creapsly was supposed to be slightly dark but also an odd humored vamp so fail on that actually him and defo vamp pretty much got there personalitys swaped.
    Second the monkey girl a made up character because they tried to squish in the third book.
    Third Mr tiny is supposed to be the equivalent of a god that does basically whatever he feels like and can foresee destiny (that's why he's interested in Darien).
    Fourth mr.creapsly initially offered the half vampire thing to scare Darien and make him leave but when he showed he had the courage to sacrifice his life for his best friend creapsly changed his mind.
    Fifth at this point in the story the vampires and vapaness shouldn't be at war and its exsplaned that vampires don't kill because a it turns them purple and b it draws attention from humans who notice if 100000 people die of having there blood drained.
    And lastly The finger touching thing thoug done stupid looking transferred vapire blood into Darren the vampire blood acts as an infection changing the humans body into that of a vampire hes a half vampire because he has very little vampire blood and it will take a long time for all the human cells to be replaced with vampire.
    Ok that over great review movie really needed it and I hope u take a chainsaw to it at the end of the month. Also why didn't you mention Eva the valley boy talentless "musition" he is ugh so angry this move fills me with rage all I can say to this movies writer is READ A GODDAMN BOOK PEOPLE sigh anger see ya next review
  • Rulke55
    I get your rage Modern, the whole story takes so much liberties here. For example first story is called Cirque De Freak and it's only with Mr Tiny taking interest in Darran that Crepsley takes Darran as his assistant, in fact by third book we're seeing into the Vampire's home. I'm pretty sure Darran makes friend with the snake boy as well. Not to mention they cut down best character out the first story.

    This is a deplorable mess and it's sad as these movies deserved more. If given Harry Potter treatment, these could have been much better.
  • biblegirl
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    I've read all 12 books and the real flaw I see with this film is that they crushed three books into one movie and even a few points from the last two books. If they had taken the first book seriously I think it would have been really cool. As for Riley, I actually really like him as Larten. He respected the books a lot and when i saw interviews before the movie came out I was excited for him. I was really bummed that if they were going to make a film on the four trilogies they missed out on the second one. Because I adore books 4-6 and the story they tell about vampire culture. That would be a cool movie. Sad day.
  • Goat Boy
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    Yeah, I mainly just rented this movie for Salma Hayek, too.
  • Ignolian  - Fraking Book Adaptations!
    I hated this movie simply for its bizzare chopping up of the books.

    The First 3 were about Darrne becoming a Vampire, or half-vampire if you will, and went off as a childrens novel series, even if it had a few dark moments.

    4, 5 and 6 were about Darren training in Vampire Mountain, and performing a series of trials to prove he's a real Vampire, as Crepsley broke one of the major vampire laws, which was that they don't turn children (I know, stupid.)

    7, 8 and 9 were focused on trying to hunt down the Vampanese Lord before he was made into a Vampire. The premise was stupid, and by this point I started to lose interest.

    10, 11 and 12 were about the war actually taking place and a really stupid time travel paradox ending.

    This movie took things not just from the first 3 books, but several of the other ones much later down the line, which screwed the continuity so badly there can't be a sequel.

    The F.R.I. is only a minor character in the third book, and reappears in the 3rd trilogy of books as an adult and a teacher, and the two still love each other, kind of, despite how much younger Darren looks, going into how terrible immortality really is.

    His best friend is of course the Vampanese Lord, and doesn't become a half, or even a full Vampanese until the end of book nine, and by then, he is an adult, and actually joins Darren's hunter team by pretending to be a Vampire Hunter, like he said he would be at the end of the first book. His heel turn to being the big bad of the series worked really well in book format, but the mvie fucked that one over!

    There's a whole bunch of others, including references from the first book that were needed in order to have the ending of the 12th book make sense. Good review by the way. Let's hope that we don't see a movie adaptation of the Thin Executioner, The Demonatta, or the Crepsley prequel spin-off. ALthough, I'd like to see how Hollywood could make demons and wide spread death and gore from the Demonatta child friendly.
  • punksweets
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    Wow this movies so bad Maven doesn't even bothers to interrupted your review
  • Jubiliana
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    I'm so glad you busted this one. I hate this movie since I simply saw the trailer. The manga was better books adaptation that this (actually manga IS a really decent adaptation, at least to the point of training in the Vampire Mountain, I still have to get past that part).
    It didn’t even catch right relationship between Darren and Creapsly. But maybe I want too much.
    Of course a great review as always. I can only say (write?), how angry and sad I am, that they didn’t give this movie a better treatment.
  • Lightice
    This movie was an extremely bland affair, but I actually appreciated the fact that the titular vampire doesn't have traditional vampiric qualities. People whine about clichés and then they whine again when clichés are broken. Not every vampire needs to be thin, pale brunette, people! And an overweight redhead *can* be genuinely creepy *because* he's a vampire.
  • Greyarch
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    Oh come on! Jason X and Freddy vs Jason are two of the best comedies I have ever seen. Why u rippin on Jason, dawg?

    Wait, they're horror movies ... never mind. Carry on.
  • cannedfury
    No repetitive overuse of music, good running gag, insightful criticism with well executed delivery. You're growing as a reviewer.
  • WesleyFoxx
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    Agreed. I can almost forgive the "join the legion" thing at the end this time, just because he swapped out the ego-stroking intro catchphrase and for once didn't indulge in it anywhere else.
  • Bloodrealm
    Err, I think the "fanboys and fangirls" he usually uses as his greeting could also mean the fans of stuff that the movies he reviews wrecks.
    Besides, Angry Joe has the Angry Joe Army, why can't ERod have a legion?
  • FishEyenoMiko
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    Yeah, I always thought "fanboys and fangirls" was referring to us being fellow fans of bad movies, etc...

    As a female fan, I appreciate that he includes "fangirls". (-:

    Oh, and FYI, ERod always does different intros during Halloween Havoc.
  • JJFTITAN
    I actually like this movie
  • leviadragon99
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    Actually, from what I remember of the first book, this one does actually get some of the internal mythology right... it seemed less goofy in the book.
  • Jachaunt  - Fuck this piece of tripe
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    Urghhh this movie gets so little right about the fricking' Books. I'm a huge fan of the books and am willing to admit it isn't perfect, I just really enjoy how Darren creates his own vampires that follow their own set of rules, however still respecting the old myths of the original vampire.

    In the books there was so much character to Darren and Steve and somehow that was all sucked out with this movie.

    There was emotion when Darren's forced to experience how his "death" affected his family and how terrible it was that he had to sacrifice his entire life to save his friend, who, in the end, believed him to be a traitor and swore to kill him.

    I can't forgive anything about this movie. The freaks weren't even portrayed right. Cormac Limbs!? A GIRL!? REALLY?!? And the bearded lady Truska could not speak a word of english at that point. What the actual bloody hell.
    And Mr Tiny ... oh dear god that was terrible. Mr Tiny here was a joke, he wasn't intimating as much as hilarious, Mr Tiny is suppose to be the a man that nobody would suspect was evil until they knew what he was capable of. Jesus Christ how did they get so much bloody wrong.

    This is just a small percentage of what the hell is wrong with this piece of tripe of a movie.
  • Zihon
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    the monkey girl looks a lot to neville longbotton's actor.
  • PontyMython
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    I'm a fan of the books and when I saw the trailer for this I just kept thinking "No thats wrong. Thats wrong. Thats wrong" over and and over, so never even tried to see it in cinemas. glad to see it busted
  • A. Justice
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    This DID Twilight look better, good lord this suckkkkkkkkkked!
  • doctoroliver
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    Exhaling Gas to knock out Humans? Stupid, but still... I'd Pick the Vampire Bad Breath over the Sparkling any day!
  • JoeDawson15
    God forbid i defend this trash, BUT i will say that John C. Reilly is the ONLY one who's bringing life to this dull as hell film.
  • That Anime Chick
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    ...Wow, I'm so glad I never watched this movie now. Thanks E-Rod!

    Wonder if the books are any better...
  • StratRat  - FRI?
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    What is the difference between F.R.I. and L.I.N.E.T.S. (See NChick's Dragonheart review)
  • PurpleTiger
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    Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but LINETS I don't think is a common running gag in NChick reviews. Again, I could be wrong since I haven't watched too many of her reviews lately.

    The FRI, however, has been a running gag since early in ERod's run as a reviewer. And honestly, even if they're pretty much the same thing there's nothing in the rules that says he can't give it a different name.
  • Sir Luchadore  - That Smashing Pumpkins song.
    Mr. Rodriguez while your review was quite entertaining i'm afraid i will have to correct you on your ending credits song. You listed it as "The World is a vampire" by The Smashing Pumpkins when the actual title of said track is "Bullet with Butterfly Wings".
  • Evil King
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    Glad I've never watched this movie. I've only read the first book, but...I think a big thing they missed in this movie was...well...avoiding the details that are mentioned in the book and explains certain actions of the characters. It is like...they WERE using the Twilight movies as the reference to go off of on how to do a Vampire movie. Then do it worse. They push a romance that just from that scene he showed us was just a too awkward how they did it. They don't have enough details as they push major story points to where they NEVER should be. In the back of everything. Barely mentioned...if they were at all.
  • PAPOUCHE
    avatar
    Karmaloop Rep Code: "PAPOUCHE" (20% off all purchases).
    Booger Kids Clothing Representative Discount Code: "PSICARD0319" (10% off all purchases).
  • Trencher
    Great review! The only thing was that the scene when the fri and the main character had an ankward love scene, it probably was MEANT to be ankward..
    I thought that scene was funny.
    Anyway I have not seen the movie and probably will not because of all the other reasons you had for it sucking.
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