Halloween. A time of witches, bats, vampires, and (if you're anything like me) ceremonies meant to summon the Old Ones so that they may come forth and drive the world to madness. (That which is dead can eternal yaddayaddayadda)
And since videogames are chock full of scary beasts and and frightful terrors, I figured it was only appropriate to count down the scariest monsters in gaming. They may not have the clout of final bosses and villains, but these are the guys that terrify us and make us fill our pants with excrement.
I've already proved that the scariest things about horror movie baddies are their weapons. But, what if the killer possesses no real weapons? Take werewolves, vampires, and zombies for example. Most of the time, these types of monsters don't use a weapon to do away with their prey. Nope. They use their hands, claws, teeth, anything to make sure their victim ends up dead. (Though, technically you could say that they also eat their victims afterwards. But that's beside the point.) So, what makes these guys scary? I think in these cases, it's the way they all look. I mean, sure the knowledge that the can actually do things to you with only their bare hands is also very frightening. But sometimes knowledge just isn't enough.
So, in the beginning, they had the Wolf Man, Dracula, and the original Night of the Living Dead. And all these characters were scary in their time. But as special effects grew more modern, people were no longer frightened by harry men, fanged pale guys, and people painted grey with black circles around their eyes. People were looking for more gruesome things to provoke their scared side. Naturally, Hollywood was happy to comply. They started making villains who were not only evil and scary, they were also gruesome and hideous.
Not only was Hollywood making their villains uglier, they were also giving them abilities above and beyond just mind control and immortality. Some villains could now bend time, warp reality, and bring your worst fears to wild, screaming life. The result was bigger, better, and badder killers.
Everybody loves Batman. Everybody loves Christopher Nolan too, because he gave back Bats his dignity. And everyone speculates who will be the next villain or villains in the next Batman movie. I have read two top ten lists in this blog section alone, so I think you will be interested in this article about an interview with none other than Alfred Pennyworth himself, whom I think we can assume knows what is going on with the movie. So check it out here, and best regards until my next review. But who cares about me? It's Batman Time, baby!
A video-game themed top-20 list/essay-kinda-looking-thing-maybe-not-quite-perhaps? that I wrote in May.
Originally this was going to be 10, but so many other good ideas kept on coming I had to expand it to 20.
A brief explanation before we begin. There have already been countless lists of the best villains in video games in the past, and chances are there are no two that are alike, but I like to think that my list is different in some aspects because I haven't let things like popularity of the character or the game it's in influence my decisions.
Here are some stipulations I set:
- The character cannot be evil by any sort of outside forces influencing him. If they had a rough childhood, if they're out for revenge, if they're being forced by a more powerful villain, he's disqualified from being on the list. - The character cannot at some point have assisted the protagonist. - The character cannot show any sort of remorse, guilt, shame, or otherwise any sort of human traits towards their misdeeds. - If the character believes they are doing good, they are off the list. I offer some compromise to that rule with any robotic, or computerized characters, who generally don't believe in good or evil, but "necessity."
So as you can see from these guidelines, I wasn't just looking for evil.
I was looking for EVIL.
Anyhow, let's have a look at the list, shall we?
(With idea-contributions by MrBadAxe and ZephSeraphim.)
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20. Sirrus (Myst)
The younger of the two brothers imprisoned in books on the island of Myst, Sirrus and Achenar became obsessed with obtaining wealth and power at an early age, inciting civil wars between all the myriad ages (Different realms) in the game's setting, until their greed led them to unwittingly get trapped in book-prisons.
In the first game if you help Sirrus or Achenar escape their prisons, how do they repay you? Forcing YOU into the books, and tearing out the pages, leaving you powerless with no contact to the outside world.
So why not include both of them? In Myst IV, (Where the two brothers have escaped from their respective tomes.) Achenar has repented his evil ways, while Sirrus's incarceration has only served to make him more malevolent and more greedy.
19. Conroy Bumpus (Sam & Max Hit The Road)
A posh British gent masquerading as a country western star (Which itself is evil enough.) who enjoys collecting animals and either killing them or making them do kitschy country music floor shows at his ranch, Bumpusville.
Pretty douchebaggy to be sure, but what really seals the deal is the fact that much of the animals he's butchered have been converted into animatronics for his stage show. It matters not if you're a fan of animals or not, using a carcass as a supporting character in a Disney attraction is far past douchebagginess.
Yes, that's right. It's evil.
18. Mr. Burns (The Simpsons Arcade)
In the TV series, Mr. Burns has shown time and time again that he's not the heartless, vicious dickhead that he makes himself out to be, expressing genuine emotion and humanity several times. Technically he shouldn't be on the list.
But this isn't TV Burns we're talking about. We're talking Arcade Game Burns, who wouldn't think twice to endanger the life of an infant in order to get a gemstone, despite ALREADY being rich beyond anyone's wildest dreams anyway.
What a dickhead.
17. Carmen Sandiego (Carmen Sandiego)
Few people comprehend just how evil this character is, because her particular brand of villainy doesn't come from causing any sort of physical suffering or any of the other typical villain traits.
Her brand of villainy is a more psychological vareity, wherein she defies all physical laws by stealing a monument, or a wonder of the world, etc, then proceeds to taunt the player mercilessly throughout the game about how she will never be caught.
And y'know what? She never DOES get caught. (Except on the rare occasion you finally DO catch her...and it only takes about 5 minutes for her to break out again.) She doesn't even bother to hold on to the item she pilfered. She just stole it to make you run around in circles for her amusement.
As if that wasn't enough, she also treats her minions like scum, demanding they steal national landmarks as if they'd be easy to hide, and then never even bothering to lift a finger when they're finally caught.
Evil.
16. Hitler (Wolfenstein 3D)
If we were aiming for historical accuracy then technically Hitler should be disqualified from this list, since he thought he was doing the right thing by committing atrocities. Obviously we're not, so we're including what has to be one of the most hilarious (But no less evil) depictions of Hitler imaginable.
Cybernetic suit? Check. Head in a jar? Check. 4 Ass-large chainguns? Check.
Go nuts.
15. Dr. Wily (Mega Man)
The evil version of Albert Einstein gets in for sheer obsessiveness, and persistency alone. If that wasn't enough here's the most awesome quote I've heard regarding Wily, compliments of Zeph:
"And the fact that he lost doesn't even phase him. 'Hell, he's not even going to let the future go well. He's like "fuck you guys, here's a virus. Holograms. Bam, dude."
14. "Through The Fire and Flames" by Dragonforce (Guitar Hero III)
I sense some of you are confused by this choice. Allow me to explain. Of all the songs in the entire Guitar Hero series, there has been no other song as popular, and yet so beastly and evil in its nature.
It is an impossible song that noone will ever be able to defeat in their lifetime. It is an insatiable rancor that feasts on players resolve and causes carpal tunnel syndrome. And thanks to its appearance in the video game it has inspired thousands of inspid, ill-conceived AMVs, and numerous fake "My 9-Year Old Beat TTFAF On 5-Star" videos to clog up the ALREADY clogged arteries of YouTube. For these it is become an evil entity all its own.
Do you know how many Guitar Hero Footage videos of the song popped up on ONE search for Through The Fire and Flames on Youtube? TWELVE. On a website that only allows 20 videos per page normally. More than the ACTUAL VIDEO.
13. M. Bison (Street Fighter)
He's the head of an international crime syndicate hellbent on world domination, (Who isn't?) he's responsible for the deaths of both Guile's pal Charlie and Chun Li's father, he brainwashes Ryu into a psychotically evil version of himself, posesses and burns out the body of Rose, (Who was a manifestation of his "Good" energies.) and of course as all evil dictators do, he had an enormous doomsday device.
But the kicker is that nothing could bring him down, so it took an arguably MORE evil villain (Who is disqualified for having an honor code.) to finally kill the bastard.
Oh yeah, and extra points for him and whoever programmed Street Fighter 2, for having/giving him that annoying-as-hell headstomp.
12. Adrian Ripburger (Full Throttle)
Ripburger makes the list for his complete total disregard for anything other than the bottom line. (Which pretty makes him a typical business major in college.) In a post-apocalyptic Mad-Max style world, where the only form of previous culture people have left to hold on to is motored vehicles in a world where hovering transportation is becoming more and more common, Adrian does all he can to force Corley Motors, the last motorized vehicle company in existence of which he is the vice president of, to make the more profitable switch.
That includes murdering the previous president, (A revered figure in motorcycle gang culture.) pinning it on the protagonist, Ben, and later attempting to run him and Corley's remaining daughter over with a truck.
Not the most evil acts you can think of, but Ripburger makes it onto the list since he's cut from the same cloth as other corporate douchebags like Kenneth Lay. Oh yeah...and he's voiced by Mark Hamil, who has a real knack for voicing really evil cartoon characters. (The Joker & Hobgoblin in the Batman & Spiderman animated series respectively.)
11. Mortimer McMire (Commander Keen)
Pretty much the sum extent of his character is wanting to blow everything that exists up for no reason and rubbing SAT scores in Keen's face. Rope that in with the superiority complex and the fact that he was willing to enslave an entire species for the express purpose of killing his archrival Commander Keen (Just in case he shows up.) and you've got a recipe for evil.
Be sure to keep an eye on people who brag about test scores and grades. You may just have another potential McMire waiting to erupt.
10. Hojo (Final Fantasy 7)
Yes, yes, it's oh-so-obvious to put Sephiroth on this list isn't it? After all he tops just about every goddamn evil villain list you can find. Well beans to that, I say. Sephiroth's not on this list, instead we've got the evil scientist responsible for putting that god complex into Sephy's mind in the first place.
And that's just the icing on the cake for this guy, not to mention his contempt for his fellow man, (Shrugging off countless Sephiroth clones that killed themselves to make it to the Northern Crater) lack of scientific ethics, (Mercilessly experimenting on Red XIII, attempting at Aeris, and near the end of the game even himself.) and that creepy slumping forehead of his that makes him look like Mr. Burns.
9. The Overmind (Starcraft)
It should be enough that the Overmind was once the helm of a race so powerful and bloodthirsty that it took two other races to squash it (And the dramatic death of a beloved character.) in the first game.
And we shouldn't even have to mention the evilness in and of itself of a Phalanx-like race that scours the galaxy for species it particularly likes, and assimilates them into themselves, effectively owning them forever, but....well.....we just did.
8. Smithy (Super Mario RPG)
It's one thing for a person to just want to take over whichever world the video game is set in, (If we were to include every single generic megalomaniacal villain in video gaming on this list, it would stretch for miles.) but you have to be pretty damn evil to take the pleasant topic of wishes, and want to replace them all with weapons.
There's no better metaphor for it: It's akin to setting baskets full of kittens on fire.
7. Lavos (Chrono Trigger)
Pretty much any villain whose bread and butter is killing entire civilizations to feed their own appetite is a shoe-in for this list. I've racked my brain for ways to best describe this spiny interdimensional butcher, and I've finally settled on this metaphor:
The Zerg Overmind with a time machine.
6. GLaDOS (Portal)
You know you've got cred when Jonathan Coulton writes a song about you.
If I had to guess just what the scientists were thinking when they programmed her, they were thinking of a sort of calm and matronly personae to put the Aperture guinea pigs at ease, and more calm towards their inevitable doom. Instead she is a cold and heartless abberation who casually muses about deadly neurotoxins and nearly tosses you in a furnace. (And we love her for it.)
Her worst crime by far, though? Reneging on a pledge to give the protagonist cake.
Which is BEYOND unacceptable.
5. The Elder God (Legacy of Kain)
A nightmarish Cthulhu-like creature, it's debatable whether the Elder God is in fact a god, but he's managed to convince a whole lot of people that he is. Whatever the case, he whets his appetite for evil throughout the series by driving the humans and vampires of Nosgoth to war against each other, parasitically feeding off of Nosgoth's Wheel of Fate, (A supernatural lifecycle) leads the naive protagonist Raziel on every which way, basically sending him after anything that could possibly be forseen as a threat to him...
Pretty much every event that led up to Nosgoth's downfall into an apocalyptic wasteland can be traced back to the Elder God.
It's at this point now that I'd like to submit forth my theory that any villain that's voiced by Tony Jay is a complete badass.
4. SHODAN (System Shock)
The blueprint of what future villains like GLaDOS would become, SHODAN would torture you before you even get to face her in combat. Taunting you over PA systems, cutting off friendly radio transmissions, and watching you from the computer monitors with a cold, and unfeeling stare.
Oh, yeah...And she hates humans....well not necessarily, being a computer program she's incapable of real emotion, so she doesn't necessarily HATE humans...it's just that her infallible internal can't comprehend how something so pathetic and worthless can exist.
3. Kefka (Final Fantasy 6)
Are you confused about just how evil a villain could be considered? Look no further than Kefka, because he is one of the pinnacles, one of the standards to which truly evil villains should be measured by. Among other terrible acts, he poisoned the waters of Doma castle and killed everyone inside of it...for FUN.
He doesn't have a backstory, he isn't out for revenge, he hasn't experienced any childhood trauma. He's just one evil goddamn bastard.
2. Hector LeMans (Grim Fandango)
It's one thing to do a lot of deplorable stuff in life, but apparently that wasn't enough for Grim Fangando's antagonist, who was based off of Sydney Greenstreet's character in Casablanca. During one of the final confrontations with Manny, Hector admits that when he was alive he'd been a "Very bad boy." Which we can only assume means he killed a crapload of people.
It's later heard that in the afterlife he's already managed to "sprout" (The equivalent of shooting someone in Grim Fandango, which causes the already dead residents of the Underworld to literally push up daisies.) over 500 people. As if it wasn't enough that his master plan was to steal tickets to heaven from otherwise deserving people and sell them to rich people. (Which he still did, even after learning that the tickets wouldn't work for the rich people.)
Even after death Hector kept on being an evil evil guy...Geez. Isn't time for a break or something?
1. The Enemy Paddle (Pong)
Cold.
Lifeless.
Unthinking.
Emotionless.
Inhuman.
And it only has one primary directive in mind: Your crushing defeat.
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Do you disagree? Do you have a comment about one of my picks? Post your comments about them here, because I bet some of you aren't gonna disagree. But hey, that's what makes these kinds of lists great.
This'll be my first in a series that I'll be updating when I feel like it. I'll be using this to list ways we could improve on things in our world, whether they're already great and just need some fine-tuning, or whether they are absolute horribufuckus. Like my first entry: Joel Schumacher's Batman and Robin.
Bruce Wayne/ Batman First off, let's establish a bit of continuity: inthe last movie, Brucie had slicked-back blond hair and glasses. George Clooney looks nothing like that. Also, they need to make Wayne Manor look like it did in the first two movies. Stop switching it around!
Dick Grayson/ Robin He has no place here. Go back in time and cut him out of Batman Forever. I honestly think that he was only introduced so Batman could have that choose-between-Chaise-or-Robin scene toward the end. But if you must have him, don't make him twenty-something years old.
OK, I know that there's at least more than one of these already on the blogs, but as some will say there's no official sign up sheet, and even though I hate repetition in TGWTG.com's blogs I still feel like posting this as I feel mine offers a more opinion based list and less an excuse for discussion, and is more for parody than to be taken seriously.
When it comes to big blockbuster Batman movies, we couldn't give a damn about the caped crusader. Generally we assume it will be the same actor as the last movie or it's announced around the same time as the film, and in the end they always play the same character: A cocky millionaire whose voice suddenly and inexplicably becomes deepened when he dons a bat suit. As well as you can play that role, it honestly doesn't matter, because the show is always stolen by the polar opposite: The villains.
Think about it. In every Batman film, the film always revolves around the villain, one in particular. The original Tim Burton Batman? The Joker, played by Jack Nicholson. Batman Forever? The Riddler, played by Jim Carey. Batman and Robin? Mr. Freeze, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger (unfortunately). The Dark Knight? The Joker again, this time played by the late Heath Ledger. The exceptions would be Batman Returns, where the villain hold is more spread out, and Batman Begins, where it actually revolves around Batman, who'da thunk it?
villans
