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It's been a while since I previewed this Top List. If TNA hadn't pissed me off so much with the whole "MEM" Debacle, it would've been up sooner. (Just one more thing TNA fucked up)

Anyway, random quotes are everywhere. But it takes a certian kind of random to be funny out of context. And now, in no order whatsoever, some of the best Random quotes.

 

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As much venom as I spewed in my last two lists about covers, I’m not against the concept of covering songs altogether. For all the ripping on I did towards all the absolutely putrescent renditions I know of otherwise great songs, there are some that I like.

I would characterize a good cover as one that takes the song and either captures the spirit of the original to great effect, or takes it in a different interesting direction. (That last idea is kind of a double-edged sword if you think about it, because a lot of the terrible covers I talked about in my previous two lists took the originals in too far a direction, and absolutely sucked. Partially because they slapped their grill all over it trying to make it “theirs” with little regard for the original artist.)

Naturally talking about covers both good and bad brought up the suggestion of making a list of what I consider GOOD covers.

Okay.

Before continuing however, please go back and read my first two lists, which inspired this one.

20 Bad Cover Songs #1

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I got some pretty positive responses from my list of bad cover songs, (Hopefully enough to make you all forget about the VG Protagonists that Suck list, I hope? Please? Put your torches and pitchforks away?) but there were people who thought there were a bunch of covers that I left out of my list that were bad enough to garner some negative recognition…That is just the thing, though. There are so many bad, awful, absolutely terrible covers of songs out there, that it’s a daunting feat to narrow them down to 20.

And so the prospect of a second list was presented to me.

Apparently I have struck a chord here, because bad music in general is a universal thing that everyone can relate to. (Hey, you hate that Laffy Taffy song? Me too!) America has spoken, and they want bad song covers.

All I can say is that you guys are just gluttons for punishment.

And so am I.

BUT WAIT!!! (Sorry, Benzaie) Before you read the rest of this, please have a look at the first article that inspired this sequel:

The ORIGINAL 20 Worst Cover Songs list.

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Halloween. A time of witches, bats, vampires, and (if you're anything like me) ceremonies meant to summon the Old Ones so that they may come forth and drive the world to madness. (That which is dead can eternal yaddayaddayadda)

And since videogames are chock full of scary beasts and and frightful terrors, I figured it was only appropriate to count down the scariest monsters in gaming. They may not have the clout of final bosses and villains, but these are the guys that terrify us and make us fill our pants with excrement. 

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The first top list has to be something out of the ordinary. We've all seen ones that list top games, movies, etc. But what about those other things that deserve a list!?

That's where I come in. 

The first top list: Weapons....that aren't. And here they are, in no particullar order, along with there probable origin:

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If there are a few things that I am passionate about, foremost among them is music. I love good music, and I know a lot about it. In that respect, I consider myself kind of a purist. If I hear a really great, and truly timeless song, often times I think “That’s it. That’s the end all right there. That’s the version of the song we are gonna stick with, because it’s awesome, and everybody knows it.“

Some don’t quite see it the same way as I do, though. Often a band will look at a song they really truly like and start to think to themselves: “I can do that!“ And then there are covers of songs.

Some are really good. Some manage to be good by staying true to the original and not venturing TOO far from familiar terrain, (Social Distortion’s take on “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash, or Bauhaus’ take on “Ziggy Stardust” by David Bowie) while others may take the song in a COMPLETELY different direction, and end up with an intriguing new take on a classic. (DEVO’s take on “Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones, or Apoptygma Berzerk’s take on “Fade To Black” by Metallica.)

Some…not so much.

I must warn you, readers…The songs that are listed below are abysmal butcherings of otherwise great songs, that are not meant for the human ear to take in. Why have I written this list, then? Do you have an enemy? Recognize the songs below to them. I guarantee after listening to them, their brain will be a fine paste by the end of the week.

Either way, proceed with caution into…

Let’s start this list out with a song that I think doesn’t NEED to be covered. EVER. The brothers Gallagher really dropped the ball on this cover, because it’s missing something that Bowie could bring to his original tune, but Liam (Or Noel. I can’t tell which one is singing on this one.) failed outright to even fake.

Sincerity.

The song was inspired after Bowie saw two lovers embracing by the Berlin Wall near Hansa Studios in Berlin, Germany. The song would evolve into one about two lovers separated by the Berlin wall, and the way Bowie sang it, it was like he genuinely cared about the subject matter, as if he WAS on the other side of the wall.

Oasis on the other hand, displays none of the vocal emotion that Bowie did in the original version, and sounds more like a bland Bowie cover group just going through the motions of covering a Bowie tune. Liam (I’m more sure than ever it’s Liam) has his typically shrill shriek on full ALWAYS, and the song is so drowned in distortion and other superficial shit that at first listen, it’s hard even to recognize the song they’re covering in the first place.

Watch This Video - In picking this one out, a few people who knew I was writing this pointed out that the version by the Wallflowers is way worse than Oasis'. Maybe, but I haven't heard the Wallflowers version. I HAVE heard Oasis' version, however, and it's pretty poor. So on it goes.

I don’t care if she had The Roots backing her up when she was in her heyday a couple of years ago. There was never anything remotely interesting about Joss Stone, and this uninspired hip-hoppy cover of an already awesome garage rock tune proves it.

In Joss Stone’s version of the song, she effectively takes Jack White’s awesome guitar work and Meg White’s…actually pretty lousy drumming abilities…and glosses over them with that soul diva-ness that has at this point become interchangeable in today’s music industry. The guitars aren’t prominent anymore, the drumming is less powerful, the song is a lot slower, and it sounds pathetic by comparison.

The original White Stripes song rocked, but this one is weak, tame, and SAFE. She could have at least taken a LITTLE bit of risk by keeping the original title in. (Her cover was titled “Fell In Love With A Boy”, which doesn’t quite roll off the tongue like the original, if you’ll pardon the entendre.)

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Hello every one. Inspired by The Nostalgia Critic, I've decided  I want to start my own reviews of movies. But I didn't want to take nostalgic movies since that is obviously taken. So I've spent the last few weeks trying to think of my own unique movies I could review. And thats when I remembered "hey, I'm an actor!". So I've decided to review musical films! If you have any musicals you would like me to review, lemme know. Films can be old ones, new ones, Disney films, even movies that aren't originally based on a musical but they made one anyways (Across the Universe). So, lets get this underway and start sending me requests! You may send as many as you like. And spread the news to your friends. There's a new critic on the web.

Btw, if someone can help me come up with a good name for my reviews, it would be much appreciated. Thank you :-) 

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Is this list self-indulgent? Probably, but try not to think about it THAT way. Instead think of it as my take on the heroes of video game lore...or rather, my attempt to bring them down several pegs.

I'm going to try to ignore the games of their origin, and instead judge them on their depth of character, and just how likeable a protagonist they actually are. Why? Because I'm a hyper-literate smug bastard, that's why!

And of course, how can one truly enjoy a video game, how can one truly be sucked into the gameplay, when deep down you know that you're furthering the goals of a complete peckerhead?

So now, enjoy this list of:



I can pinpoint the exact moment the Megaman franchise started to go downhill. It was when they at Capcom forgot who made the series great.

IE: MEGAMAN.

Sure there were others with the iconic name slapped across their grill, but most gamers have seen them for what they are...mere shadows of the blue bomber's former greatness. (With the possible exception of X...Until the 5th game, that is.)

Sometimes he's in a computer program, sometimes he's working alongside some forgettable humans to fight some other humans, sometimes he's red and not even NAMED Megaman!? (Screw Zero. Really. He sucks.) But your not playing a Megaman game if you're not the blue bomber we all know and love, and some whining emo swordsman with long blonde hair. (The character yaoi fans WANT him to be.)

Thank goodness for Megaman 9. If the future of the series had to be that Star Force bullshit I would have sworn the series off forever.


Wow. What happened to you, Sonic? Back when you were a 2d platformer you were classic. The jump to the 3rd dimension clearly was unkind to you.

You had a voice now, so we could hear you spout annoying catchphrase after annoying catchphrase after annoying catchphrase (I know they did it on the old Sonic cartoons, but that had a deliberately cartoony feel to it, so it was at least good to laugh at, unlike the ridiculous forced realism of the current games.) with some of the worst voice acting this side of Deus Ex... (Jason Griffith, Ryan Drummond. It doesn't matter who you like, I think they're BOTH awful.)

You forgot that you weren't living in the 1990’s now, and thus didn't realize that doing "Extreme" stuff like grinding on rails without a skateboard and going hoverboard racing didn't make you look cool, it made you look like an extremely low-rent Marty McFly...

But most of all, it's the fact that you've somehow managed to reach your head over and shove your own head up your ass, (Which I imagine is quite painful for a hedgehog.) and reach the conclusion that the thing your series needs most is DRAMA. That's right...drama. Brooding, ennui, and agonizingly maudlin drama.

In a game about anthropomorphic animals fighting robots?? I think NOT.

And y'know what? Y'might as well throw Shadow The Hedgehog in too, because they're for all intents and purposes the EXACT SAME BEING.


The Grand Theft Auto series is by no means a series full of likeable characters. Pretty much all it's good for is the blowing off of steam in ways you'd probably be shot at for trying to do in real life, I'll give you that, but let me elaborate. I was a huge fan of the series for the first two games, when it was 2.5D, top-down view, and there wasn't any semblance of a storyline in sight.

Then next-gen graphics came along and had to screw it all up for me. I am in no way saying that Grand Theft Auto 3 and its’ followers are bad games, I just don't like them. Part of why I don't like them any more is the way that many of the characters have been humanized as a result of the focus on realism.

The first two GTAs were about the petty indulgence of grand-scale destruction, but since the sudden focus on characters and realism that came with the latest few GTAs, a lot of people still have yet to realize that all the protagonists of GTA3 forward are complete assholes. That kinda makes it all the more hard (For me at least.) to go around killing people for no reason.

So which protagonist makes the list? Initially it was a toss-up between the eternally mute Claude of GTA3, or Tommy Vercetti, the smug looking mafia dickhead of Vice City. In the end I went with Claude, who apart from never talking, also has no past apart from committing terrible acts upon innocent people.

So he's an incomplete asshole of a character? That's the impression I'M getting.


So let me see if I understand this completely...

Zero-to-no backstory, loved and admired by all of his allies, feared and detested by all of his enemies, has never lost a battle, shows no fear, and a complete lack of real character.

Sounds less like a video game protagonist to me, and more like a really bad Mary Sue fan-character.

Bungie has claimed that his lack-of-attributes-in-general are for the purpose of making it so the player can really feel like they're Master Chief.

Call it what you want. Personally, I call it a shoddy excuse to release a character they weren't done developing.


What a sorry excuse for comic relief, he was.

Everything about Johnny Cage just keeps adding up to an extremely unlikable character. He’s a smug and vain movie star, he has pretty much no character history, he is supposed to be a comedic character when he does nothing funny, he’s based off Jean Claude Van Damme, but most of all, he is easily one of the more ineffectively useless character in the games.

I suppose somehow he COULD have been an interesting character, but as it is Midway pretty much just made him a vapid pretty-boy celebrity who just HAPPENED to have martial arts, making him the only primary main character to have absolutely no interesting traits to his name.

And don’t try to tell me about that nut-crack attack of his. He still sucks.


Noone can contest that his motives are pure. He's a hero in every sense of the term, but generally people dislike Cyclops in video games for the same reason they dislike him in the X-Men comic book series, the cartoons, the movies, the novels, and pretty much every facet of X-Men lore; because he's a stone cold douche.

Whenever there's a plan, he's always the one enforcing it, whenever someone strays from the plan to do some good, he scolds them for not sticking to HIS awesome plan, and he pretty much just reminds everyone of that jocular dick you knew in high school, who had the perfect frame, lantern-like jaw, hot redhead at his side, and absolutely no personality to his name.

As if that wasn't enough, he has some really dicky moves in the fighting games too. Capcom's X-Men fighting games were excruciatingly fun, I think everyone can agree, but holy guacamole is Cyclops ever a cheap character in the game. His optic blast will damn near ALWAYS stop an opponent in mid-air, and I swear the super-art version of it takes up the whole freaking screen.

He may have been slightly less cheap than Cable in terms of moves, but at least Cable was kinda cool. Cyclops? Not a chance.


Okay. Let's just go through the different elements that make up this character...

Is our protagonist in question...

- Battle-hardened?
- Have a shady past?
- Having been betrayed by some bloke?
- Impossibly muscly?
- Having a voice that sounds like his lungs were shredded with sandpaper?
- Grizzled?
- Lacking a personality?
- Wearing a suit of armor big enough to colonize the inside of?

Answer? An emphatic YES!

Congratulations! You just created a faceless, interchangeable archetype that can be applied to ANY goddamn FPS EVER!

And as long as were at it...Do you think that MAYBE, just MAYBE we have enough games starring freaking grizzled space soldiers?!


Everytime I mention that I don't like Katamari Damacy, people's heads turn in my direction for some reason. (Is that really so hard to believe?) Argue with me if you want about the revolutionariness (I hope that's a word) of it, and how it's like no other game, but I just don't like it any way I look at it.

Part of the reason for it is the protagonist is an enormous jerk and noone seems to realize it but me. Consider that the primary objective of this game is to roll everything up into an enormous lump - causing massive property damage and wrecking the lives of anyone around you - and turn it into a star.

I'll repeat that.

You're supposed to take everything around you can find, clutter it up into an enormous junkball, and turn it into a star. You're supposed to take all that stuff, including LIVING PEOPLE AND ANIMALS WHO DIDN'T DO NOTHIN' TO NOONE and turn it into a BURNING MASS OF ARGON, HYDROGEN, AND OTHER DEADLY GASES.

And I'll tell you right now, I don't CARE if the sky needs stars and stuff to please the King of the Universe, (Who is a complete FREAK, let me tell you.) he broke the damn sky in the first place. Let HIM fix it. Leave Earth out of it.


From a literary standpoint, in order for a protagonist to work, the reader needs to sympathize with them. They need to LIKE them. While the Final Fantasy series has been known for its assortment of characters with backstories out the wazoo, I gotta wonder just what mindset Squaresoft was in when they developed the main characters for Final Fantasies 7 and 8.

Cloud Strife may be a favorite among video game fans, and I by no means hate FF7, (The first FF I ever played…though personally FF6 reigns supreme in my mind.) but looking back I realize the main character was really REALLY annoying. He’s supposed to be the hero, but he experiences depression with every breath of air, manages to help the main villain THREE TIMES because he’s “being influenced by him” or something…all in all there really isn’t a moment where he’s just staring at the camera and screaming “PITY ME!!!”

But apparently he was just emo and thus popular enough to spawn a sequel, in the form of Squall Leonhart, (The last FF I ever played…which was the one where I finally caught on that they all share the same story.) who was even more depressive, more emotionally empty, and even more annoying.

Hell, their sad nature is even hinted at in their names. (Strife, and Squall)

That really shoulda been a give-away, I think.


Do I NEED to elaborate?

The man may be an icon of American culture, and a comic book legend, but in the world of video games he’s public enemy #1. Can any other conclusion really be reached, when his track record includes “games(?)” like Superman on the NES, Superman on the Sega Genesis, Superman 64…hell, pick any system. Chances are good that Superman has a crappy game on it.

But I’m not here to talk about the games, necessarily. I’m here to talk about the CHARACTER.

That is to say the LACK of character. Superman may have been history’s first superhero, and he may be an American icon, but if you take all that away what do you have left? Not much, especially if you look at some of the Superman comics from the 50s or the 60s, where pretty much everything about them was either stupid or stupider. (There’s an issue where Superman walks upside down and noone else does, but Jimmy Olsen’s the only one that notices. What the hell?)

The point I’m trying to stress here is that Superman’s comic book self often is translated over to video games PERFECTLY…for the worse.

Oh, yeah. And he’s a colossal dick. (http://superdickery.com)

Sorry, Superman, but your time’s pretty much up. Come back when we need a personification of America to go kick some country’s ass in a war like during the 40s. Until then, stay the crap out of our video games.

Batman’s more awesome anyhow.

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As I say with all the lists I make, whether you agree with me or not: It's best not to take this too seriously.

I'm only keedeeng, after all. :D

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Sure.

There will always be a place in the cold dark recesses of my caffeine-addled heart for the classic video game systems of the late 80s to mid-90s. Nintendo, Super Nintendo, Genesis, Neo Geo, even Turbo Grafx. But for what my money’s worth, much of my childhood nostalgia can be found no farther than the very computer I’m typing on.

My parents had a rather unfortunate policy of not allowing my brother or I to own any video game systems in our youth. The first thing resembling a game console I ever got was a Gameboy Pocket, and I was only allowed to have it because I actually went to the trouble of saving my 5-dollar allowance for 10 weeks to get one, and later a copy of Pokemon Red. (Don’t you judge me.)

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Video games and movies have had a rather sordid history together. On the one hand there's movies that are adapted from video games, which have a consistent track record of being completely terrible, and bearing precious little resemblance to the game they're based upon. (Although personally I thought that casting Psychobilly musician Mojo Nixon as Toad in the Super Mario Brothers movie was pretty neat.)

Then there's video games adapted from movies. Everyone knows them best as quick cash-ins on a franchise, and generally dismiss them as being low-quality without even playing them. And y'know what? They're usually right. Every console has had it's share of absolutely god-awful movie-licensed video games. From Jurassic Park on the Super Nintendo, to Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade on the Sega Genesis, to Fight Club on the PS2, to the most notorious of the lot, E.T. on the Atari 2600.

While it's often the case that Movie-based video games suck wind, it's not ALWAYS the case. Every so often, and often unnoticed, a game will come along that is a beautiful shiny pearl, dredged from the murky backwash of movie licensedom.

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Anyone who is a fan of music in general would know that a good tune isn't just what makes a good song. (Unless of course it's an instrumental one.)

Some songs just plain fail in that aspect, sometimes. This post seeks to bring to light a few of these lyrical abominations. Whether some extremely horrifying imagery was used, an attempt at seeming artistic failed miserably, the lyrics left you confused and scratching your head, or they were just simply poorly written or rhymed.

Ready? Let's begin.

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This may be a great Beatles tune, but I'm sure we're all more than aware of the lyrical incoherence perpetrated by this particular number. I'm not talking about the obvious, though. I'm not gonna mention how the eggman just so happens to also be the walrus, I'm not gonna talk about the yellow matter custard, the crabalocker fishwife, or even goo goo g'joob.

Often when people look at this song they overlook the very first line in the song:

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together

...Uh...okay. So if you're he...and HE'S he...and I'm you...

Wait. Who is the 2nd he anyway, and why wasn't he mentioned again? Who is as he? How-...

I should probably stop thinking about this before my head explodes.

As big a fan of The Moody Blues I am, this line just doesn't fit in their most popular tune for the sheer bluntness of it all. The Moodies have oft been known for their lyrical prose, and great artistic merit, but I guess that when it came time to write the chorus for this song, they used all that up thinking of lyrics for the REST of Days Of Future Passed, and can only come up with:

'Cause I loved you
YES I LOVED YOU!
(Aaaaaaahhh.....)
OHHHH HOW I LOOOOOVED YOOOOOOUUUU!!!!
(AAAAAAAA-aaaaaaahhhh.....)

Wherein the lead singer wails at the top of his lungs either in the throes of passion, or intense gastric pain.

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The Grammies.

I think Maynard James Keenan of Tool said it best when he called the Grammy award: "Nothing more than some gigantic promotional machine for the music industry." It's hard to imagine the award as anything else. It seems like every year the Grammies find some way to piss off die-hard music enthusiasts like myself. Whether it's a piss-poor performance on the part of an artist, the strange choices of award presenters, but more than anything what's pissed me and other music die-hards has been the artist nominations themselves. It's always been a flash-in-the-pan artist who generally fades out immediately after the ceremony, and when an artist with promise DOES get a nomination, it's only to be snubbed in favor of said flash-in-pan artists.

Sure, occasionally there's been some moments of greatness at the Grammy Award Ceremonies, I thought Kanye West performing with Daft Punk at last year's Award Show was pretty awesome, and the 2002 Awards Tribute to the death of Joe Strummer of the Clash, (Which featured Bruce Springsteen, Steve Van Zandt, Elvis Costello, AND Dave Grohl all performing "London Calling") was one of the most awesome things ever. But all and all the whole spectacle is pretty much useless by now.

Chances are, if you're like me, you think I don't even NEED to write this article. I'm still gonna do it though, simply because I love to write Top-10 lists. So now I present to you:

 

The last Grammy Awards show had what was probably one of the strangest gimmicks I've ever seen. Apparently it wasn't enough to cram the awards show with performances by such "Talented" artists like Fergie, Rihanna, and Josh Groban, but at one point there was a performance by Alicia Keys...

Wait, stay with me...

Duetting with FRANK SINATRA.

Frank Sinatra of course, died in 1999, so how did they pull it off? By having Ms. Keys duet with FOOTAGE of Frank Sinatra singing.

Isn't that just about the creepiest thing you've ever heard? She even talked to the footage while singing. Y'know, going: "Yeah, Frankie" and "Sing it, Frankie" that kind of stuff. I know the Grammy people like showering really really old artists with affection, but come on! Know your damn limits!

Heck, what's even creepier is that after the awards all sorts of publications were saying that that duet boosted Alicia Key's credibility as a singer, and that it was a paragon moment at the Grammies. It wasn't a paragon moment, it was CREEEEPY!!! SHE WAS SINGING WITH A DEAD GUY!!!

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9.09.08

Yo.



In 1908, E?mile Cohl produced a minute of filmed animation. The short captured the essence of drawings done by the popular vaudeville caricaturists of the time, and showed what could be done with the medium. It was called, “Fantasmagorie”, and it is considered by many to be the first cartoon. Flash forward a century and the market driven by computer animated films in America alone could float a couple of third-world countries’ economies for a year. What Walt Disney made popular with his mouse on a steamboat birthed a cinematic history that rivals that of even live action film. And, like live action movies, the time-consuming process of filmmaking hasn’t stopped producers from releasing both heights of expression and the dregs of marketing failure, and everything in between. Some animated movies have gained fan bases that lack all reason when it comes to their cartoons of choice; and there are some films that simply fall through the cracks or miss out on the popular glow. This could be due to a lack/abundance of quality, marketing failures/successes, or stupidity on a multiple of fronts.

Looking through the history of animation for this list was both heart meltingly sad and heart meltingly painful, as various titles brought images of rabid overexposure and dusty DVD cases to mind. Only one film per production company/developer was admitted here, as much as I would love ripping into the sorted Disney archives. Sit back and enjoy, and welcome to the “Top Five Most Over and Underrated Animated Films of All Time.”

Over #5: Akira (1988)


Akira started a revolution in anime viewership in America, arguably the very beginning of the “otaku” fan base of manga reading and pocky munching. I say arguably because for something so proliferated into cinema culture, not a lot of people have seen the flick. Perhaps it’s due to the changes in anime style rendering older movies archaic in some eyes, but if you are going to tout the sheer mind-blowing originality of a picture of any stripe, make sure you have actually seen the movie first. I do not doubt the footprint of Otomo-san’s expose on post-apocalyptic youth culture, I just notice that the latest generation reaping the benefits of Katsuhiro’s work spout off when the title is mentioned, hailing it as a proverbial second coming of awesomeness, without going through the hassle of watching the bloody thing. It’s critically hailed, but blindly obsessed over by its ignorant worshippers to the point of glaucoma. So, despite its quality, it’s on the list.

Under #5: Ferngully, The Last Rainforest (1992)


This is what Captain Planet tried to be; entertaining to a wide agerange, but still getting a strong and powerful message across. It ranks low by descending into lame territory a bit too often (Robin Williams rapping, for instance), but it must be noted how well it integrated the destruction of Natural  forests with an engrossing tale of woodland fairies displaced by the cutting down of their residential trees. The art style was lush with a vibrant, but not cartoony palette, and the character design was rich and detailed, especially for the Disney-dominated 90s. The ending was as sappy as one would expect, but for all its worth, the film is overlooked in the era of Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin. If it aspired to a stronger script, it would have been higher, but were it stands; it’s as strong as a redwood.

Over #4: Toy Story 2 (1999)


The worst film produced under Pixar, the best insult any film could ever receive, the sequel to the first all CG motion picture couldn’t fall back on the new-technology smell of its predecessor. So the film’s narrative was the only real sword in its inventory, and unfortunately, the blade had noticeably dulled in the 4 year break in the franchise. The original’s screenplay received praise across the critic board for its surprising sophistication and charm, whereas the sequel hung from more than a few clichés and tired plot points, despite getting the same adoration. The nametag was enough to get the film a sizeable amount of cash and a rabid fan base to match. For its credit, the voice casting was wonderful and the animation still stupendous, but coming fresh from a now practiced computer design team, the film felt no more than an extension of its original. Not a bad thing, if it had been released conjunctively with Toy Story 1, but we as an audience got used to better from Disney’s greatest partner.

Under #4: Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989)


I hold Hayao Miyazaki-san among the highest in terms of attention to story and animation detail, and I need no more evidence than this gem, released our way almost a decade after the Japanese premiere. The story is one of the simplest in the Studio Ghibli archive, and by far the simplest on this list, but that’s what sets this masterpiece apart. It managed to make an ambling tale of a girl witch’s one-year rite-of-passage from home into an enthralling and emotional story that even young boys could watch after wrestling. Hayao made the smallest details sing, the way the spatula sounded as it scraped along a stove top, the way a character’s leg muscles showed effort and resistance as it peddled the first mile on a bicycle with a stubborn chain. It’s because Miyazaki-san continued to evolve this banal yet magical insight into such astounding pieces like Spirited Away and Princess Mononoke that this little candid chronicle is left in the dust.

Over #3: The Lord of the Rings (1978)


It’s not because of Peter Jackson’s trilogy that I look on these films with such venom; they were bad long before New Line took the risk on Tolkien’s books. Ralph Bakshi used a new technique called “rotoscoping”, where live actors are shot on film, and the frames are traced onto animation cells. The reason this never caught on was because it made the stars of this waste-of-a-budget look like clay models with Down syndrome. The hacking of J.R.R.’s three book, thousand-plus page set into a two-movie deal was terrible enough, but giving the orc horde a musical number killed any weight the films could have held. The film was so unimpressive that the distributors refused to fund the sequel to finish the story, despite the financial success the film eventually received. I suppose we all should be thankful that this movie brought back interest in Tolkien’s work, but when the present-day fans claim this cartoon filth to be superior to the modern live-action films, the bile is too hard to ignore.

Under #3: The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)


Placing Claude Frollo on my Top Ten Disney Villains list reinvigorated the love of this Disney classic, and after revisiting it online and on DVD, I find it necessary to include here. Sure, it stood on the majority of Disney stereotypes: a hero “just wanting to belong”, some sidekicks existing solely for comedic relief, and more musical numbers than would ever believably happen. But this film, more than any other in Walt’s database, took time setting up these archetypes so it could play with them later on. Character morality shifted on a dime, you could see exactly where the villain turned to immorality, and the main character does not get the girl, in fact he watches her chose another man. It practically parodies the nature of the Disney film, for once in its kid-friendly color-vomiting history the hero, out of his good-naturedness, gives the girl up to another for her happiness. A great soundtrack always helps too. Hunchback drowned under the swell of the bigger budget, more popular melodramas Disney pumped out, just like Quasimodo, the victim of a biased popularity contest.

Over #2: The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)


I love this movie; it holds a place in my heart nothing can touch. It’s hands down the best stop-motion film ever made (not that there’s much competition) and one of the greatest musicals in history. But enough cannot be sad for the visceral rape of the film we are subjected to on a daily basis. Side-by-side during the rise of gothic and “emo” popularity, kitsch stores like Hot Topic have made a butt load capitalizing on the film’s quasi-dark motif by plastering its images on anything that ink will stick to, not to mention releasing all matter of useless knick-knacks bearing Jack Skellington’s morbid mug, from mint tins to key chains to armbands to colostomy bags. The film, instead of standing for innovation and creativity, epitomizes the “safe gothic” subculture. Where it’s cool to pretend you read Poe and cut yourself in between trips to Trader Joe’s in your mom’s SUV. It’s ass-lancing to associate the beauty and eloquence of Burton’s production with the trivial fads of an identity-less generation, but most of the magic that the indie gem had is buried in black eye-liner and angsty, poorly written poetry.

Under #2: An American Tail (1986)


Anyone that has seen this movie will most likely reflect on how good it was. But nostalgia, that which often enhances those films of our youth, dumbs this one down to just another decent cartoon. You remember laughing when the child actor’s voice cracks as he tries to sing “Somewhere Out There,” and how lame it was that Fievel and his family always passed each other by THAT much. You forget the political commentary that surrounded the retelling of the forced assimilation that new immigrants to America went through. You have to be retold of how tearjerking it was to hear the little mouse say “pah-puh” after failing to find his father in the New York fog. And you have to stumble across clips on Youtube to remind you how good the animation was for its time. It was by no means a perfect film, often succumbing to moments lamer than those in Ferngully, but the greatest qualities of this picture are lost as lesser movies are escalated to the point of perfection. It’s the unfairness of memory, tossed in a bargain bin.

Over #1: Bambi (1942)


This was the first movie I ever saw, and even the newness of cinema and the excitement of a child couldn’t make this movie entertaining. What do you actually remember from this movie? I’ll tell you, four phrases: “BURD!” ”You can call me flower…if you want to,” “your mother can’t be with you anymore,” and “twitterpaited.” When you fill in the blanks, you realize how lethargic this flick was. Lacking the Miyazaki ability to make the simple beautiful, the film totters along with no definition, never going anywhere and never gaining any substance. It doesn’t have the musical beauty of Fantasia’s quieter numbers, nor does it have the effortless emotion of The Fox and the Hound. And, if what a middle-aged furry tells me is true, it turned all who grew up watching it against hunting so deeply that Bambi’s mom is a stronger pacifist symbol than Gandhi or Mother Theresa. Even the sexual innuendos that Disney animators are infamous for weren’t given the insidious efforts they are now, leaving all sorts of queer subtext lazily bare for repeat viewers. Thumper is a masturbation reference, who constantly winds up under Bambi’s ass during their ice-skating montage, and the owl bobs his neck erotically when talking about mating … bloody hell! Nostalgia has made this film more gilded than Bush Jr.’s first inauguration speech, and it effortlessly steps atop its place as the most overrated animated film of all time.

Under #1: The Prince of Egypt (1998)


Powerful soundtrack, history-drenched animation, and some of the strongest voice acting ever recorded, Dreamwork’s “The Prince of Egypt” just happens to be about Moses. It takes a lot for a person who laughs at the Christian doctrine to connect with one of their most lauded fables, but storytelling without preaching goes a long way. Keeping the plot character-centric rather than a philosophical examination lets the story itself take center stage, and proves to be both epic and personal. The most negative criticism the film received was using the “child’s medium” of animation to convey such a serious story. It told one of faith in a time when all “cartoons” aspired to do was make kids laugh, inject some adult humor for parents, and cash in. Character design references Egyptian hieroglyphics with its angled limbs and long faces, but also takes leaves from the older African American style, far beyond the skin pigment. All characters move with weight and reactions CG films have yet to correctly capture. The special effects were great for the time, but it’s the soundtrack, with its bare emotion and grand orchestral themes, that makes the film a masterpiece. Most remember this movie as a hackneyed religious re-telling of no special value, despite each frame’s fine details. The title doesn’t even suffice at times, “the animated Moses movie” usually required to job minds. The film was on the cusp of animation style conversion, released by a company that flopped its last few animated movies, and it made Moses black, so it’s not a surprise that, though the film was a hit when it came out, it was quickly forgotten, occupying the dark void between the “good old days” of 2-D animation and the barrage of 3-D animation today. It takes a repeat viewing with the sound turned up to relive how emotionally affecting the tale is. And for that, it’s the most underrated animated film of all time.

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PROLOGUE:

Is there a list of anything VG-related, Music-related, or Nostalgic that you'd like to see my take on? If so, send me a request, because I love making these lists, and I'm routinely out of ideas. :D

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A video-game themed top-20 list/essay-kinda-looking-thing-maybe-not-quite-perhaps? that I wrote in May.

Originally this was going to be 10, but so many other good ideas kept on coming I had to expand it to 20.

A brief explanation before we begin. There have already been countless lists of the best villains in video games in the past, and chances are there are no two that are alike, but I like to think that my list is different in some aspects because I haven't let things like popularity of the character or the game it's in influence my decisions.

Here are some stipulations I set:

- The character cannot be evil by any sort of outside forces influencing him. If they had a rough childhood, if they're out for revenge, if they're being forced by a more powerful villain, he's disqualified from being on the list.
- The character cannot at some point have assisted the protagonist.
- The character cannot show any sort of remorse, guilt, shame, or otherwise any sort of human traits towards their misdeeds.
- If the character believes they are doing good, they are off the list. I offer some compromise to that rule with any robotic, or computerized characters, who generally don't believe in good or evil, but "necessity."

So as you can see from these guidelines, I wasn't just looking for evil.

I was looking for EVIL.

Anyhow, let's have a look at the list, shall we?

(With idea-contributions by MrBadAxe and ZephSeraphim.)

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20. Sirrus (Myst)

The younger of the two brothers imprisoned in books on the island of Myst, Sirrus and Achenar became obsessed with obtaining wealth and power at an early age, inciting civil wars between all the myriad ages (Different realms) in the game's setting, until their greed led them to unwittingly get trapped in book-prisons.

In the first game if you help Sirrus or Achenar escape their prisons, how do they repay you? Forcing YOU into the books, and tearing out the pages, leaving you powerless with no contact to the outside world.

So why not include both of them? In Myst IV, (Where the two brothers have escaped from their respective tomes.) Achenar has repented his evil ways, while Sirrus's incarceration has only served to make him more malevolent and more greedy.

19. Conroy Bumpus (Sam & Max Hit The Road)

A posh British gent masquerading as a country western star (Which itself is evil enough.) who enjoys collecting animals and either killing them or making them do kitschy country music floor shows at his ranch, Bumpusville.

Pretty douchebaggy to be sure, but what really seals the deal is the fact that much of the animals he's butchered have been converted into animatronics for his stage show. It matters not if you're a fan of animals or not, using a carcass as a supporting character in a Disney attraction is far past douchebagginess.

Yes, that's right. It's evil.

18. Mr. Burns (The Simpsons Arcade)

In the TV series, Mr. Burns has shown time and time again that he's not the heartless, vicious dickhead that he makes himself out to be, expressing genuine emotion and humanity several times. Technically he shouldn't be on the list.

But this isn't TV Burns we're talking about. We're talking Arcade Game Burns, who wouldn't think twice to endanger the life of an infant in order to get a gemstone, despite ALREADY being rich beyond anyone's wildest dreams anyway.

What a dickhead.

17. Carmen Sandiego (Carmen Sandiego)

Few people comprehend just how evil this character is, because her particular brand of villainy doesn't come from causing any sort of physical suffering or any of the other typical villain traits.

Her brand of villainy is a more psychological vareity, wherein she defies all physical laws by stealing a monument, or a wonder of the world, etc, then proceeds to taunt the player mercilessly throughout the game about how she will never be caught.

And y'know what? She never DOES get caught. (Except on the rare occasion you finally DO catch her...and it only takes about 5 minutes for her to break out again.) She doesn't even bother to hold on to the item she pilfered. She just stole it to make you run around in circles for her amusement.

As if that wasn't enough, she also treats her minions like scum, demanding they steal national landmarks as if they'd be easy to hide, and then never even bothering to lift a finger when they're finally caught.

Evil.

16. Hitler (Wolfenstein 3D)

If we were aiming for historical accuracy then technically Hitler should be disqualified from this list, since he thought he was doing the right thing by committing atrocities. Obviously we're not, so we're including what has to be one of the most hilarious (But no less evil) depictions of Hitler imaginable.

Cybernetic suit? Check.
Head in a jar? Check.
4 Ass-large chainguns? Check.

Go nuts.

15. Dr. Wily (Mega Man)

The evil version of Albert Einstein gets in for sheer obsessiveness, and persistency alone. If that wasn't enough here's the most awesome quote I've heard regarding Wily, compliments of Zeph:

"And the fact that he lost doesn't even phase him. 'Hell, he's not even going to let the future go well. He's like "fuck you guys, here's a virus. Holograms. Bam, dude."

14. "Through The Fire and Flames" by Dragonforce (Guitar Hero III)

I sense some of you are confused by this choice. Allow me to explain. Of all the songs in the entire Guitar Hero series, there has been no other song as popular, and yet so beastly and evil in its nature.

It is an impossible song that noone will ever be able to defeat in their lifetime. It is an insatiable rancor that feasts on players resolve and causes carpal tunnel syndrome. And thanks to its appearance in the video game it has inspired thousands of inspid, ill-conceived AMVs, and numerous fake "My 9-Year Old Beat TTFAF On 5-Star" videos to clog up the ALREADY clogged arteries of YouTube. For these it is become an evil entity all its own.

Do you know how many Guitar Hero Footage videos of the song popped up on ONE search for Through The Fire and Flames on Youtube? TWELVE. On a website that only allows 20 videos per page normally. More than the ACTUAL VIDEO.

13. M. Bison (Street Fighter)

He's the head of an international crime syndicate hellbent on world domination, (Who isn't?) he's responsible for the deaths of both Guile's pal Charlie and Chun Li's father, he brainwashes Ryu into a psychotically evil version of himself, posesses and burns out the body of Rose, (Who was a manifestation of his "Good" energies.) and of course as all evil dictators do, he had an enormous doomsday device.

But the kicker is that nothing could bring him down, so it took an arguably MORE evil villain (Who is disqualified for having an honor code.) to finally kill the bastard.

Oh yeah, and extra points for him and whoever programmed Street Fighter 2, for having/giving him that annoying-as-hell headstomp.

12. Adrian Ripburger (Full Throttle)

Ripburger makes the list for his complete total disregard for anything other than the bottom line. (Which pretty makes him a typical business major in college.) In a post-apocalyptic Mad-Max style world, where the only form of previous culture people have left to hold on to is motored vehicles in a world where hovering transportation is becoming more and more common, Adrian does all he can to force Corley Motors, the last motorized vehicle company in existence of which he is the vice president of, to make the more profitable switch.

That includes murdering the previous president, (A revered figure in motorcycle gang culture.) pinning it on the protagonist, Ben, and later attempting to run him and Corley's remaining daughter over with a truck.

Not the most evil acts you can think of, but Ripburger makes it onto the list since he's cut from the same cloth as other corporate douchebags like Kenneth Lay. Oh yeah...and he's voiced by Mark Hamil, who has a real knack for voicing really evil cartoon characters. (The Joker & Hobgoblin in the Batman & Spiderman animated series respectively.)

11. Mortimer McMire (Commander Keen)

Pretty much the sum extent of his character is wanting to blow everything that exists up for no reason and rubbing SAT scores in Keen's face. Rope that in with the superiority complex and the fact that he was willing to enslave an entire species for the express purpose of killing his archrival Commander Keen (Just in case he shows up.) and you've got a recipe for evil.

Be sure to keep an eye on people who brag about test scores and grades. You may just have another potential McMire waiting to erupt.

10. Hojo (Final Fantasy 7)

Yes, yes, it's oh-so-obvious to put Sephiroth on this list isn't it? After all he tops just about every goddamn evil villain list you can find. Well beans to that, I say. Sephiroth's not on this list, instead we've got the evil scientist responsible for putting that god complex into Sephy's mind in the first place.

And that's just the icing on the cake for this guy, not to mention his contempt for his fellow man, (Shrugging off countless Sephiroth clones that killed themselves to make it to the Northern Crater) lack of scientific ethics, (Mercilessly experimenting on Red XIII, attempting at Aeris, and near the end of the game even himself.) and that creepy slumping forehead of his that makes him look like Mr. Burns.

9. The Overmind (Starcraft)

It should be enough that the Overmind was once the helm of a race so powerful and bloodthirsty that it took two other races to squash it (And the dramatic death of a beloved character.) in the first game.

And we shouldn't even have to mention the evilness in and of itself of a Phalanx-like race that scours the galaxy for species it particularly likes, and assimilates them into themselves, effectively owning them forever, but....well.....we just did.

8. Smithy (Super Mario RPG)

It's one thing for a person to just want to take over whichever world the video game is set in, (If we were to include every single generic megalomaniacal villain in video gaming on this list, it would stretch for miles.) but you have to be pretty damn evil to take the pleasant topic of wishes, and want to replace them all with weapons.

There's no better metaphor for it: It's akin to setting baskets full of kittens on fire.

7. Lavos (Chrono Trigger)

Pretty much any villain whose bread and butter is killing entire civilizations to feed their own appetite is a shoe-in for this list. I've racked my brain for ways to best describe this spiny interdimensional butcher, and I've finally settled on this metaphor:

The Zerg Overmind with a time machine.

6. GLaDOS (Portal)

You know you've got cred when Jonathan Coulton writes a song about you.

If I had to guess just what the scientists were thinking when they programmed her, they were thinking of a sort of calm and matronly personae to put the Aperture guinea pigs at ease, and more calm towards their inevitable doom. Instead she is a cold and heartless abberation who casually muses about deadly neurotoxins and nearly tosses you in a furnace. (And we love her for it.)

Her worst crime by far, though? Reneging on a pledge to give the protagonist cake.

Which is BEYOND unacceptable.

5. The Elder God (Legacy of Kain)

A nightmarish Cthulhu-like creature, it's debatable whether the Elder God is in fact a god, but he's managed to convince a whole lot of people that he is. Whatever the case, he whets his appetite for evil throughout the series by driving the humans and vampires of Nosgoth to war against each other, parasitically feeding off of Nosgoth's Wheel of Fate, (A supernatural lifecycle) leads the naive protagonist Raziel on every which way, basically sending him after anything that could possibly be forseen as a threat to him...

Pretty much every event that led up to Nosgoth's downfall into an apocalyptic wasteland can be traced back to the Elder God.

It's at this point now that I'd like to submit forth my theory that any villain that's voiced by Tony Jay is a complete badass.

4. SHODAN (System Shock)

The blueprint of what future villains like GLaDOS would become, SHODAN would torture you before you even get to face her in combat. Taunting you over PA systems, cutting off friendly radio transmissions, and watching you from the computer monitors with a cold, and unfeeling stare.

Oh, yeah...And she hates humans....well not necessarily, being a computer program she's incapable of real emotion, so she doesn't necessarily HATE humans...it's just that her infallible internal can't comprehend how something so pathetic and worthless can exist.

3. Kefka (Final Fantasy 6)

Are you confused about just how evil a villain could be considered? Look no further than Kefka, because he is one of the pinnacles, one of the standards to which truly evil villains should be measured by. Among other terrible acts, he poisoned the waters of Doma castle and killed everyone inside of it...for FUN.

He doesn't have a backstory, he isn't out for revenge, he hasn't experienced any childhood trauma. He's just one evil goddamn bastard.

2. Hector LeMans (Grim Fandango)

It's one thing to do a lot of deplorable stuff in life, but apparently that wasn't enough for Grim Fangando's antagonist, who was based off of Sydney Greenstreet's character in Casablanca. During one of the final confrontations with Manny, Hector admits that when he was alive he'd been a "Very bad boy." Which we can only assume means he killed a crapload of people.

It's later heard that in the afterlife he's already managed to "sprout" (The equivalent of shooting someone in Grim Fandango, which causes the already dead residents of the Underworld to literally push up daisies.) over 500 people. As if it wasn't enough that his master plan was to steal tickets to heaven from otherwise deserving people and sell them to rich people. (Which he still did, even after learning that the tickets wouldn't work for the rich people.)

Even after death Hector kept on being an evil evil guy...Geez. Isn't time for a break or something?

1. The Enemy Paddle (Pong)

Cold.

Lifeless.

Unthinking.

Emotionless.

Inhuman.

And it only has one primary directive in mind: Your crushing defeat.

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Do you disagree? Do you have a comment about one of my picks? Post your comments about them here, because I bet some of you aren't gonna disagree. But hey, that's what makes these kinds of lists great.

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ok on to more shows.

6: The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy

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10.Angelina Jolie






9.Amanda Bynes







8.Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana






7.Jennie Garth






6.Heidi Klum






5.Jennifer Anniston






4.Ashley Tisdale






3.Kristin Holt






2.Jessica Chobot

[image=http://blufiles.storage.live.com/y1p7aJ5xLF6GbHVjmk1drAX7GwLVe82J3zB8Pih7UD1yiPP_KkXt1VK-mZ_RZSYkkgHLq4J7983DBs]







1.Selena Gomez

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7.29.08

Yo,

Had this list on my mind for some time here, glad to finally get it out of the imagination and onto the web. Please direct your flames and denouncements of your love for me to the comments here, and not personal PMs.

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