In 1908, E?mile Cohl produced a minute of filmed animation. The short captured the essence of drawings done by the popular vaudeville caricaturists of the time, and showed what could be done with the medium. It was called, “Fantasmagorie”, and it is considered by many to be the first cartoon. Flash forward a century and the market driven by computer animated films in America alone could float a couple of third-world countries’ economies for a year. What Walt Disney made popular with his mouse on a steamboat birthed a cinematic history that rivals that of even live action film. And, like live action movies, the time-consuming process of filmmaking hasn’t stopped producers from releasing both heights of expression and the dregs of marketing failure, and everything in between. Some animated movies have gained fan bases that lack all reason when it comes to their cartoons of choice; and there are some films that simply fall through the cracks or miss out on the popular glow. This could be due to a lack/abundance of quality, marketing failures/successes, or stupidity on a multiple of fronts.
Looking through the history of animation for this list was both heart meltingly sad and heart meltingly painful, as various titles brought images of rabid overexposure and dusty DVD cases to mind. Only one film per production company/developer was admitted here, as much as I would love ripping into the sorted Disney archives. Sit back and enjoy, and welcome to the “Top Five Most Over and Underrated Animated Films of All Time.”
Over#5: Akira (1988)
Akira started a revolution in anime viewership in America, arguably the very beginning of the “otaku” fan base of manga reading and pocky munching. I say arguably because for something so proliferated into cinema culture, not a lot of people have seen the flick. Perhaps it’s due to the changes in anime style rendering older movies archaic in some eyes, but if you are going to tout the sheer mind-blowing originality of a picture of any stripe, make sure you have actually seen the movie first. I do not doubt the footprint of Otomo-san’s expose on post-apocalyptic youth culture, I just notice that the latest generation reaping the benefits of Katsuhiro’s work spout off when the title is mentioned, hailing it as a proverbial second coming of awesomeness, without going through the hassle of watching the bloody thing. It’s critically hailed, but blindly obsessed over by its ignorant worshippers to the point of glaucoma. So, despite its quality, it’s on the list.
Under#5: Ferngully, The Last Rainforest (1992)
This is what Captain Planet tried to be; entertaining to a wide agerange, but still getting a strong and powerful message across. It ranks low by descending into lame territory a bit too often (Robin Williams rapping, for instance), but it must be noted how well it integrated the destruction of Natural forests with an engrossing tale of woodland fairies displaced by the cutting down of their residential trees. The art style was lush with a vibrant, but not cartoony palette, and the character design was rich and detailed, especially for the Disney-dominated 90s. The ending was as sappy as one would expect, but for all its worth, the film is overlooked in the era of Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin. If it aspired to a stronger script, it would have been higher, but were it stands; it’s as strong as a redwood.
Over#4: Toy Story 2 (1999)
The worst film produced under Pixar, the best insult any film could ever receive, the sequel to the first all CG motion picture couldn’t fall back on the new-technology smell of its predecessor. So the film’s narrative was the only real sword in its inventory, and unfortunately, the blade had noticeably dulled in the 4 year break in the franchise. The original’s screenplay received praise across the critic board for its surprising sophistication and charm, whereas the sequel hung from more than a few clichés and tired plot points, despite getting the same adoration. The nametag was enough to get the film a sizeable amount of cash and a rabid fan base to match. For its credit, the voice casting was wonderful and the animation still stupendous, but coming fresh from a now practiced computer design team, the film felt no more than an extension of its original. Not a bad thing, if it had been released conjunctively with Toy Story 1, but we as an audience got used to better from Disney’s greatest partner.
Under#4: Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989)
I hold Hayao Miyazaki-san among the highest in terms of attention to story and animation detail, and I need no more evidence than this gem, released our way almost a decade after the Japanese premiere. The story is one of the simplest in the Studio Ghibli archive, and by far the simplest on this list, but that’s what sets this masterpiece apart. It managed to make an ambling tale of a girl witch’s one-year rite-of-passage from home into an enthralling and emotional story that even young boys could watch after wrestling. Hayao made the smallest details sing, the way the spatula sounded as it scraped along a stove top, the way a character’s leg muscles showed effort and resistance as it peddled the first mile on a bicycle with a stubborn chain. It’s because Miyazaki-san continued to evolve this banal yet magical insight into such astounding pieces like Spirited Away and Princess Mononoke that this little candid chronicle is left in the dust.
Over#3: The Lord of the Rings (1978)
It’s not because of Peter Jackson’s trilogy that I look on these films with such venom; they were bad long before New Line took the risk on Tolkien’s books. Ralph Bakshi used a new technique called “rotoscoping”, where live actors are shot on film, and the frames are traced onto animation cells. The reason this never caught on was because it made the stars of this waste-of-a-budget look like clay models with Down syndrome. The hacking of J.R.R.’s three book, thousand-plus page set into a two-movie deal was terrible enough, but giving the orc horde a musical number killed any weight the films could have held. The film was so unimpressive that the distributors refused to fund the sequel to finish the story, despite the financial success the film eventually received. I suppose we all should be thankful that this movie brought back interest in Tolkien’s work, but when the present-day fans claim this cartoon filth to be superior to the modern live-action films, the bile is too hard to ignore.
Under#3: The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)
Placing Claude Frollo on my Top Ten Disney Villains list reinvigorated the love of this Disney classic, and after revisiting it online and on DVD, I find it necessary to include here. Sure, it stood on the majority of Disney stereotypes: a hero “just wanting to belong”, some sidekicks existing solely for comedic relief, and more musical numbers than would ever believably happen. But this film, more than any other in Walt’s database, took time setting up these archetypes so it could play with them later on. Character morality shifted on a dime, you could see exactly where the villain turned to immorality, and the main character does not get the girl, in fact he watches her chose another man. It practically parodies the nature of the Disney film, for once in its kid-friendly color-vomiting history the hero, out of his good-naturedness, gives the girl up to another for her happiness. A great soundtrack always helps too. Hunchback drowned under the swell of the bigger budget, more popular melodramas Disney pumped out, just like Quasimodo, the victim of a biased popularity contest.
Over#2: The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
I love this movie; it holds a place in my heart nothing can touch. It’s hands down the best stop-motion film ever made (not that there’s much competition) and one of the greatest musicals in history. But enough cannot be sad for the visceral rape of the film we are subjected to on a daily basis. Side-by-side during the rise of gothic and “emo” popularity, kitsch stores like Hot Topic have made a butt load capitalizing on the film’s quasi-dark motif by plastering its images on anything that ink will stick to, not to mention releasing all matter of useless knick-knacks bearing Jack Skellington’s morbid mug, from mint tins to key chains to armbands to colostomy bags. The film, instead of standing for innovation and creativity, epitomizes the “safe gothic” subculture. Where it’s cool to pretend you read Poe and cut yourself in between trips to Trader Joe’s in your mom’s SUV. It’s ass-lancing to associate the beauty and eloquence of Burton’s production with the trivial fads of an identity-less generation, but most of the magic that the indie gem had is buried in black eye-liner and angsty, poorly written poetry.
Under#2: An American Tail (1986)
Anyone that has seen this movie will most likely reflect on how good it was. But nostalgia, that which often enhances those films of our youth, dumbs this one down to just another decent cartoon. You remember laughing when the child actor’s voice cracks as he tries to sing “Somewhere Out There,” and how lame it was that Fievel and his family always passed each other by THAT much. You forget the political commentary that surrounded the retelling of the forced assimilation that new immigrants to America went through. You have to be retold of how tearjerking it was to hear the little mouse say “pah-puh” after failing to find his father in the New York fog. And you have to stumble across clips on Youtube to remind you how good the animation was for its time. It was by no means a perfect film, often succumbing to moments lamer than those in Ferngully, but the greatest qualities of this picture are lost as lesser movies are escalated to the point of perfection. It’s the unfairness of memory, tossed in a bargain bin.
Over#1: Bambi (1942)
This was the first movie I ever saw, and even the newness of cinema and the excitement of a child couldn’t make this movie entertaining. What do you actually remember from this movie? I’ll tell you, four phrases: “BURD!” ”You can call me flower…if you want to,” “your mother can’t be with you anymore,” and “twitterpaited.” When you fill in the blanks, you realize how lethargic this flick was. Lacking the Miyazaki ability to make the simple beautiful, the film totters along with no definition, never going anywhere and never gaining any substance. It doesn’t have the musical beauty of Fantasia’s quieter numbers, nor does it have the effortless emotion of The Fox and the Hound. And, if what a middle-aged furry tells me is true, it turned all who grew up watching it against hunting so deeply that Bambi’s mom is a stronger pacifist symbol than Gandhi or Mother Theresa. Even the sexual innuendos that Disney animators are infamous for weren’t given the insidious efforts they are now, leaving all sorts of queer subtext lazily bare for repeat viewers. Thumper is a masturbation reference, who constantly winds up under Bambi’s ass during their ice-skating montage, and the owl bobs his neck erotically when talking about mating … bloody hell! Nostalgia has made this film more gilded than Bush Jr.’s first inauguration speech, and it effortlessly steps atop its place as the most overrated animated film of all time.
Under#1: The Prince of Egypt (1998)
Powerful soundtrack, history-drenched animation, and some of the strongest voice acting ever recorded, Dreamwork’s “The Prince of Egypt” just happens to be about Moses. It takes a lot for a person who laughs at the Christian doctrine to connect with one of their most lauded fables, but storytelling without preaching goes a long way. Keeping the plot character-centric rather than a philosophical examination lets the story itself take center stage, and proves to be both epic and personal. The most negative criticism the film received was using the “child’s medium” of animation to convey such a serious story. It told one of faith in a time when all “cartoons” aspired to do was make kids laugh, inject some adult humor for parents, and cash in. Character design references Egyptian hieroglyphics with its angled limbs and long faces, but also takes leaves from the older African American style, far beyond the skin pigment. All characters move with weight and reactions CG films have yet to correctly capture. The special effects were great for the time, but it’s the soundtrack, with its bare emotion and grand orchestral themes, that makes the film a masterpiece. Most remember this movie as a hackneyed religious re-telling of no special value, despite each frame’s fine details. The title doesn’t even suffice at times, “the animated Moses movie” usually required to job minds. The film was on the cusp of animation style conversion, released by a company that flopped its last few animated movies, and it made Moses black, so it’s not a surprise that, though the film was a hit when it came out, it was quickly forgotten, occupying the dark void between the “good old days” of 2-D animation and the barrage of 3-D animation today. It takes a repeat viewing with the sound turned up to relive how emotionally affecting the tale is. And for that, it’s the most underrated animated film of all time.
The product of a souped-up video editing program and humor, spanning from sharp sarcasm to goofy randomness, Snow White Remix is a 12-part personal project I did myself and uploaded on YouTube, which netted favorable reviews, despite fears that I may have violated many a childhood (but no worse than what Hollywood does).
Now, I'm playing for a tougher audience; an audience that cares about their memories of youth, but no matter. Part of being a writer/creator of anything is having people on one side saying "You rule!" while the other side says, "You suck!"
I present parts one to four of this piece to be watched and critiqued (just copy and paste to the address bar if you can't click on it):
Looks like I have been selected to be voted on for the Best of the Blogs feature on the site! Its great to see my work get recognized. and I hope all you who read this can find the time to vote for me to be featured on this site. For tonight's blurb, I am uploading an article that was posted as a preview piece quite a while back, and has remained in publishing limbo since the reelgamers.com/gamepartisan.com switch, and for sometime before then as well. Its another in my line of fan designed games, where I, of outspoken and demented mind, decide to list the qualities of games I would like to play into what is collectively known as a creative brief, giving a *hopefully* well-rounded picture of how my game idea would function.
Hogwarts: Year One
I have been a fan of the Harry Potter books since my Mum brought them back from England a couple months before they crossed the shores. I was able to get a two-book head start before America got wind of the boy wizard and created an industry out of his exploits. I never seemed to participate in the majority of Potter-phile discussions however, and I am pretty sure it’s because I couldn’t care less about the characters of the book, especially in the first three volumes. Rowling’s character development skills had yet become the pinnacle of excellence she is now famous for (I’m pegging that down as beginning around the end of the fourth book.) People have forgotten that it wasn’t little orphan Boy Who Lived that first sparked our interest; it was the world that was introduced to Harry (and us) at Diagon Alley. Characters hit certain emotional responses with their archetypes, Harry: the pitiable unloved child and Hagrid: the gentle giant with the heart of gold; but it was the seemingly effortless combination of worldly mythologies that J.K. laid out, vast and beautiful, taking our foundational knowledge of each creature/myth and stitching a new canon of depth and, grit your teeth for the pun, magic. The characters we grew to love, hate, and write demented Slash fan-fiction of (Snape/Harry and male pregnancy?!?) were able to worm their way into our hearts because of this contradictory realm of fantasy grounded in reality.
The films of the Harry Potter-verse have been a momentous success due to their exploration of the characters and plot events, confined yet paradoxically free within the time and budget limits of cinema. Game translations, however, have seen less success because of their following along with the films, as they were developed to do, with no expansion of the narrative to include plot points uncovered in the movies or indeed, any expansive content whatsoever. The limiting of the game’s events, despite the medium’s much longer runtime, leaves the player with just a diluted rehashing of plot. Perhaps a video game that focuses more on the world of Harry Potter than Harry Potter’s girl troubles would be better suited for this medium and its audience, allowing for expanded narratives on the Magical (and by extent, Muggle) world, that which was only hinted of in Rowling’s texts. There, of course, will be development of characters, but removing J.K.’s universe from its titular teenagers would be the best thing that could happen to it. Grab a pint of Butterbeer and a Cockroach Cluster; let’s make a Harry Potter game without Harry Potter.
***
Before we get to assigning companies to the task, let’s get a good idea of our game, and what mechanics we need for it to work better than the movie tie-ins. The game will be the first in a series, focusing on the player’s first year at the famous school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, with subsequent years being released as separate titles and/or downloadable content. So the player will essentially be taking over an 11-year old at the game’s beginning, with each game taking place a year of the character’s life. This would be a perfect mainstay title for online game clients like Steam. Each new episode will open up the world with a new location from the books or programmer’s imagination, and offer up new play options within the world, tied in with the character’s “age.” For instance, like in the books, when our player downloads the Third Year of our Hogwarts game, “elective” classes like Care of Magical Creatures will be available alongside the regular class schedule, and Hogsmeade Village will open up as one of the new locations.
Pushing Harry Potter and most of the other title characters off to the sidelines is a necessary component if we are to get the player focusing on just what a great fantasy world Rowling has created, and to avoid being called “just another Harry Potter game.” This is not as difficult as you may think. According to the Harry Potter Lexicon, the events of Harry’s seventh and final year around the Hogwarts campus takes place in 1997-1998, meaning setting our game in the current, post-Voldemort would free us of meeting most of the characters, at least in a major sense. Plus, it would act as a nice post-mortem, hopefully better than the official epilogue, seeing all of our old favorites as NPC encounters living out their adult lives. This also allows for the player to focus on taking his own character and finding his place in the Hogwarts timeline.
Character Creation
The longer it takes our players to model a character, the more they will connect with it, but will also put in the option to bypass a lot of this if they have no patience
Borrowing from Elder Scroll’s creation hubs, we will feature an in-depth yet user-friendly character creation menu at the game’s onset, after the fabulously CG opening cut-scene (all other cut-scenes will be in-engine, in order to best feature the player’s character and all its individual goodness.) Note that all of our cut-scenes will be SKIPPABLE. Back to character creation, our mode will feature previously-designed bodies, in addition to a blank-slate for complete customization, for player’s not wanting to spend two hours fixing their brow-line. Aside from the thousands of character options, we will have a “smoothing” feature, that which will take the player’s design and “smooth” it to make it look the most human, avoiding the problems that plague Oblivion’s NPCS, all of which have facial flaws that make it look like they are the latest generation of an incestuous family. For example, a player that molds his kid to have a longer jaw-line will hit the “smooth” button to have it coordinated with the character’s cheekbone and other parts of the head in the best possible way, while keeping the player’s choice as apparent as possible. Once the character’s design gets final approval by the player, she/he will have the option to map out this character’s “aging” during the in-game year, meaning you can select this character to have a growth spurt or a change in the voice (deepening, breaking.) Some of this will not come into play in the first game, obviously. These options will not include bodily or hair growth, as we do not want to focus too much on the more private aspects of puberty (the Japanese-only Dating-Sim version will take care of that.) The player will also be prompted that, during game-play, if certain battle objectives are fulfilled (such as number of battles taken part of, what occurs during a battle) the character will scar and receive other (semi-)permanent blemishes that will affect his character’s appearance, and will remain visible in cut-scenes. Directly after selecting their characteristics, the player will then select a character archetype. This means a blood class, a socioeconomic factor, and relations with other creatures of Magical/Muggle abilities (ex. Pure Blood, upper class family, elitist towards Magical community, etc.) Based on their selection, combined with their character's appearance/stats, they shall begin the game in one of our set starting points (Pure Blood Pretty = pride of family, lives in upper-class district, Pure Blood Ugly/Liberal = shame of family, lives in poorly maintained room in upper-class district.)
Plot
Once the player finally gets on Platform 9 3/4, the general overarching plot can be thrown in full blast. Of course the full plot outline will be slowly played out across all seven years, but each game will have set “boss” encounters and a “Final Boss.” For an extended example, I shall weave together a plot I wouldn’t mind playing through in the Potter-verse. At entrance to Hogwarts, the player will be introduced to the Warloches, a unit of magic-school graduates and volunteers that act as extra protection to the still rebuilding magical academy. Included in this task force (all available to be befriended by the player, which merits the character more scenes, battles, and environments) are Roger Davies (former captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch Team, Fleur Delacoeur’s date to the Yule Ball), Malcolm Baddock (a former Slytherin student), Heathcote Barbery (guitarist for Wizard band: “The Weird Sisters”, working off community service requirement after accidental use of magic at first and only Muggle concert), and Dennis Creevey (younger brother of Colin Creevy), among others. Dennis Creevy later offers the player one of the most magical items the player will receive throughout the series (and the only one in this game,) the Enhanced Camera, magically optimized to work at Hogwarts and acts as an upgradeable weapon, with a flash that stuns enemies and snapshot attack that can be customized to freeze, damage, and later instant-kill a specific group of enemies. The meat of this plot begins when, after inspired by a gnome attending classes at Beauxbatons (the French Hogwarts), one of the centaur parents within Hogwarts’ forest sends their daughter to secretly attend classes taught at night on the grounds. Once word hits the Ministry of Magic, the classes are canceled and the Centaur child and her parents banished from the castle grounds. This opens up a can of worms, when Centaurs and other magical species begin demanding why they have never been allowed to attend magic school, and why they are seen as inferior in the magical community (causing centuries-old rivalries to be brought to the surface, and several Rights movements and other organizations to begin forming *think S.P.E.W.*)
This political plot will continue throughout the series (leading to a former main character being named the new Minister of Magic), and will act as a distraction to the more insidious plot, which involves the upper-class Bather family revisiting the old haunts of Voldemort and his Death Eaters, attempting to bide their skills and acquire enough dark magical items/abilities to gain back the power their family lost at both Voldemort and the Malfoys’ fall from grace. The main villain of this year will be Peeves the Poltergeist, who becomes controlled by an outside source somehow connected to the Bathers, and wreaks havoc on the students and faculty until stopped by the player. But, like in the books, the plot will be revealed steadily, in between classes and various social encounters, the only available club during the first year (as other clubs are forbidden by Hogwarts in first year) is attending Dumbledore’s Army illegally, risking punishment by wandering around/attending the meetings. The player will have the option of signing up for clubs and apply for future high ranking school positions (like Prefect) in this game between classes as well. Taking a few leaves from the big-ass book of open-world gaming, players will further the plot only after completing set story missions, the rest of the game-play centered on exploration and side-quests.
Design
Imagine this style of gameplay, with a magic theme and high pace twist
Classes will be the main stays of the series: Potions, Herbology, Charms, Transfiguration, Defense against the Dark Arts, etc. The best example of a “school schedule” system to which we can build off of would be Rockstar’s “Bully,” where the player can reap the benefits of a set class by entering its respective building at some point during the courses’ run time (for example, get to the Dungeon sometime between 9am-11am in-game time to take a Potions class,) players will be aided by a time-keeping icon (an hourglass, perhaps) in the top corner in order to track their class schedule. Classes will be optional to attend, but the character will be able to increase his stats by attending and mastering a series of increasingly difficult class sessions.
Our game will be so badass, it'll make going to school fun
Days will be broken down according to the two-class-a-day system in the books: Morning Class, Lunch/Mission, Afternoon Class, Dinner/Mission, Evening Free Time, Sleep or Night Mission. The character would have an over-world to traverse, with points of interest highlighted in usual fashion; depending on the hardware of the each system, as much of the environment as possible will be interactive. Every room in Hogwarts castle mentioned in the book series will be available, with rooms opening up with each installment. At breaks in the school year, the player will have the option to return to his home, go with friends to a new location either in the Muggle or Magical world (based on the opposite of the character’s created personality), or stay in Hogwarts with slightly restricted access and free exploration all day.
Gameplay
Choose Your Adventure, with a Soul
Before our players reach the hallowed gates of Hogwarts, we will have them participate in an inadvertent selection of kid’s basic morality, like an advanced version of the system utilized in the original “Fable.” For instance, having a series of actions that feature multiple outcomes (not just good or evil) based on the speed and result of the player's decision (i.e. a Half-Blood child being picked on in the street; the character could leave the child, help her, beat up the bullies, walk away, join in the bullies, etc.). In addition, we feature the dialogue choices each carrying a moral outcome, for instance being snotty towards adult figures or cheery and friendly towards those of similar age, “Bard’s Tale” attempted this system with varied results. This could take place in the summer months after the player receives her/his acceptance letter, before boarding the train at King’s Cross. The tutorial of game could follow the character purchasing his supplies for school (trying out wand selections while in-shop, etc.) Our player will have the option of selecting the breed (as well as the general physical features in a more compact customization hub) of their pet (Owl, Raven, Bird, Toad, Cat, Small Lizard). When selecting a wand (as it is an important plot point) they will use a simple interface of a couple pre-determined wands of different attributes, one of which always being their “destined” wand. Players will also have the option to “create” a wand by selecting different qualities and having enough match up to their destined wand’s attributes (length, wood type, featured magical commodity.) When speaking to other characters, an interface similar to “Mass Effect” will appear, with each dialogue option carrying a certain emotional weight. For examples of how a character can be befriended, see “Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3” and its expansion “Persona 3: FES.” Side quests will feature discovery quests (requiring a certain place of the map to be reached and recorded), battle quests (where a specific enemy must be found and defeated), and various other missions based on skills gained in class. Magic battles will either be turn based or active time (player’s discretion,) with each spell requiring a different input to be cast, usually in regards to the spell’s effects (levitating spell will require the analog sticks to be raised in time with an on-screen prompt, etc.). These spells can be accessed through completion of classes, or specific side missions. Missions and classes also yield stat increases; like the general Speed, Power, and Stamina stats; and social abilities like Charisma and Fame. New features will merit new game-play mechanics, but for now, the basics will suffice for the proposed 10-15 hour runtime.
Game Genre: Action-Adventure / Role Playing
Developer: Bioware, in association with Lionhead Studios - Considering both Black Isle Studios and Troika Games (my two original choices) were faded out due to financial trouble and their lead company, Interplay, coming across troubles of their own, we are left to rely on two leading teams of both action-adventure (Bioware’s “Jade Empire”, Lionhead’s “Fable”) and role-playing (Bioware’s “Mass Effect”, Lionhead’s “Black and White”) titles. And with Bioware currently developing a Sonic turn-based RPG for the DS, we know at least one of them likes to take chances.
Lead Designer: Chris Avellone - His attention to detail and story development is unrivaled in the industry (there are over 8,000 lines of dialogue in Planescape: Torment, not to mention the ridiculously complex multi-verse game world.) Sure, most of his experiences are with engines based off of Advanced Dungeons and Dragons mechanics, but certainly, with the help of various Harry Potter Historians at his side, he can oversee a game with decisions not based on a dice roll… (Designer credits include: Fallout 2, Planescape: Torment, Icewind Dale [I and II,] Baldur’s Gate [and Dark Alliance I and II,] and Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords)
Game Producer: Jade Raymond - It takes keen intellect and strong business savvy to make a game simultaneously set in the twelfth century and distant future, and Jade Raymond oversaw “Assassin’s Creed” go far beyond its estimated gross, due in no small part to the smart outsourcing of footage strewn together into some of the most enticing trailers ever for a video game. Plus, I think just getting that infectious laugh of hers on television made money for that game (and thus ours)…
Rating: E-10, for ages ten and up (for now, certain year milestones will see an increase in rating), maybe an optional T-rated version?
Platforms: PC, PS3, and Xbox 360 (the engine requirements of such a massive world would need a strong system, with the Xbox 360 probably requiring multiple disks)
If this article gets enough feedback of either positive or negative respect, I shall continue updating this project idea with future years and their respective mechanics
Random Thoughts
If God is omnipotent, why did he ever have to rest, especially on the fabled seventh day?
We all know the question, if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn. My question is, why the fuck are you choking the tiny dude, your like 50 times his size! If you really want to kill him, why don't you just stomp the crap outta him?
Would the one ring work if you used it anywhere other than your finger? What if you made a nose ring out of it? Or dare I say another piercing, one down much lower and dealing with a certain Prince...?
I find it hilarious when a rather nationalistic, patriotic American constantly references the Statue of Liberty as the ultimate American icon, as if they don't remember that it was a gift from the supposed Anti-America, France.
News
- Some little kid was outside fiddling with my AC unit tonight, and the bastard ran away when I confronted him. I knew he did something, as I heard the thing hiss as he tinkered with it. I'm pretty sure its this kinda shit that is making me pay more every month on my utilities. We are the only house in the development with a unit street-side, and the security guys so far haven't done anything...bastards.
- Filming for Slick, the last film I'll be doing for FPS Riverside, begins this Sunday. Weee.....
- I got a severly painful hangnail in my right ring finger, the bastard is making it hurt everytime my fingertip touches something, makes it rather difficult to type....
- The pot I got as part of an 80 dollar kitchen-in-a-box set from K-Mart has officially crapped out on me, which makes it difficult to cook until I get another, which I have no money for. But hey, nothing like teflon shavings in the mac and cheese, right?
- My roommate and I had to return some ground beef that went bad way too early, and got a whole new slab of the stuff as compensation. Makes me remember that making a fuss in a public sphere, be it a restaurant or a grocery store, usually gets pretty good results, as the establishment would rather pay you to shut up than deal with the noise. Being an asshole has gotten me pretty far...
Plugs
- As always, check out my best friend for-longer-than-forever, Bennett the Sage's, pad here on TGWTG (he is also under selection for the Best of Blogs, under the video submitters,) or be checking out his funny stuff on Youtube or alongside myself on Gamepartisan
- I've become addicted to something on Youtube called Asshole Mario, its all about this guy that got his friend to play through some crazy-ass modded levels of Super Mario World, you need to check this out, they are impossible. Imagine having to play through the now-famous techno fan-made Mario level, but with it designed to kick your ass. My favorite part is what I like to call the death montages, were it cuts together all the times the player dies in quick succession. Sweetness in a cup.
I'm gonna say this right away so no one gets confused: This is not a review of the movie. If you wanna know what I think of this film, I'll sum it up like this -- I like it.
This is gonna be a real short blog. Normally, I say that before I start typing and it ends up over a thousand words, but I mean it this time. Really!
First off, I'm a guy, but I can still appreciate the fact that little girls have always and will always have a soft spot for their dolls. And there has been no bigger doll than Barbie. She's been around since the 60's and is here to stay, but much like how the incomparably annoying Jonas Brothers are being compared to the legendary Beetles, Barbie also has a modern adversary. A slutty, more current version and the ideal woman, the Bratz.
Barbie made girls dream, and she could be anyone, a movie star, an astronaut, a teacher, even a cop (cellulite and donuts not included) TM. And she had a smile that said, "Hi my name is Barbie! Have a wonderful day!" Observe:
OK, most important thing to get out of the way before I start the ranting. Alien Vs Predator is actually one of two franchises based on the concept of pitting 20th Century Fox's most famous intergalactic killing machines against each other. The other, is called Aliens Vs Predator. Now it may strike you as odd, but that ‘s' at the end of Aliens that is apparent and missing in each franchise is a huge symbol of commercial greed, fan disappointment and a long running and loved series tarnished.
Let me give you the basic difference between the series. Aliens vs. Predator was a series of comic books, novels and games that was believed to have originated from a prop in Predator 2, an alien skull that hung on the Predator's trophy case. The series began as a comic series simply titled: ‘Aliens Vs Predator'. The story involved a farming colony on the isolated planet of Ryushi, a planet which unfortunately is a traditional hunting ground for the alien race known as the Yaujta, the Predators, to hunt Xenomorphs, or aliens. The comic book series was popular, and from it spawned a novel adaptation, a wide range of action figures, seven sequel comics, and new cross-over comics, some of which pitted the Aliens, Predators or both against popular superheroes like Superman, Batman, Green Lantern and Judge Dread, others against other franchises such as The Terminator.
Ok, so my girlfriend was telling me about that website hulu.com where you can watch full episodes of TV shows. I thought it sounded pretty cool, so I decided to check it out. It is pretty cool, actually. I'd reccommend all you ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com users go give it a look-see!
Oh, how I love watching the Nostalgia Critic. Gawking at how truly atrocious those movies that I loved as a kid were. Indeed the man touches on a significant part of our childhoods, as mom or dad would usually pop a tape into the VCR and go off to do something else, proving that they do indeed have the parenting skills of a dirty condom. By that, I mean none. Well, actually, I do have to give credit to a dirty condom, since it provides shelter to millions of abandoned sperm cells, who would have had to settle for toilet water instead if the old man didn't decide to spend fifty bucks on the hooker he met outside the hotel. So, in retrospect, I'll recall that statement. Our parents had the parenting skills of a brand new condom, still in the package, waiting to be bought from the local pharmacy or perhaps a vending machine found in the restroom of a seedy, off-the-road gas station. Your pick.
But this new blog I am creating today is not about "Cop and a Half", "Dunston Checks In", "The Rugrats Movie" or whatever shit you dug as a kid. This one is about the insignificant stuff you'd obsess on as a kid, only to view similar situations as an adult, then laugh at how much of an imbecile you were back then. Crap that would piss you off just because you weren't "old enough". Things you didn't understand, pretty much because you were in fact not old enough. Or stuff that would take over your life for reasons that made little sense to you, let alone anyone else. The random things that we often forgot about our childhoods, and how we as wiser and more mature beings see them today. To truly understand it, you must think like an eight-year-old and an eighty-year-old all at the same time. Is your brain hurting? Good, because we're starting at a place that always made my brain hurt: The Sharper Image.
I see these things circulating the internet all the time, these imbecilic lists of asinine questions asking everything about a person in a wonderful bluntness that only one-sided, poorly written text can provide ("hwo many time do yu touch yourself at nite? bee honesr...") So, I have decided I shall not be left out of this ridiculous social meandering. Due to many requests by family and friends, I shall descend from my pillar of rigid self awareness and cynicism in order to mingle with *shudder* normal people. I am creating, in my deepest efforts to fit into this blindly superficial culture, a simple questionnaire centering around the preferences the respondent has of various gaming subjects. This shall hopefully prove that I am capable of misspelling simple words and appearing completely vapid on most topics, you know, normal. This will also me to make generalizations of a person based on their answers and thus view the person in a biased light and tailor my actions towards them based on their responses, you know, actual normalcy. So, prepare for the Video Game Personality Survey, by me. Respond to this post by just listing you answers in the order their corresponding questions appear in, I will write my answers next to the questions.
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First Game Ever Played: Sonic the Hedgehog 3
First System Ever Owned: Sega Genesis
First Handheld Ever Owned: Game Boy
Favorite System Owned: *tie* Sony Playstation / Sega Dreamcast
Favorite Handheld Owned: Sony PSP
First Game you played in a social environment (where): Mortal Kombat + Goldeneye (N64) at my day care
Favorite Arcade Game: Marvel vs. Capcom 2
Beat 'Em Ups or Fighting Games?: Fighting Games
Favorite Beat 'Em Up: X-Men: Arcade
Favorite Fighting Game (Series): Tekken
Favorite Fighting Game: Tekken 3
Mario or Sonic?: Sonic, and may Mario be killed by his own fanboys and go straight to hell
First Person Shooters or Side Scrolling Shooters?: First Person Shooters
Favorite F.P.S.: Goldeneye (N64)
Favorite Side Scrolling Shooter: 1942
American or Japanese RPGs?: J-RPGs
Favorite American RPG: Mass Effect
Favorite Japanese RPG: Final Fantasy IX
Silent Hill or Resident Evil?: Silent Hill, bitches.
Favorite Horror Game: Silent Hill 3
Most Wanted System: the Ulti-Sphere, the uninvented system (made of a mixture of adamantium and Belgian Chocolate) that plays every single company's games and includes a drink and food dispenser, toilet, and blow up sex doll collection of Lara Croft, Nina Williams, Chun Li, and Duke Nukem (admit your lust for the man, for he is the Chuck Norris of the virtual world...)
Favorite Video Game Character (Male): Guybrush Threepwood
Favorite Video Game Character (Female): Nina Williams
Describe a pleasurable video game memory: Playing Street Fighter 2 on authentic arcade machine in Redlands A&W. The smell of root beer still takes me back....
Most Hated Video Game Character (Male): Mario
Most Hated Video Game Character (Female): Ling Xiaoyu
Most Hated Video Game Console: Nintendo Wii
Most Hated Handheld System: Sega Gamegear
Most Underrated Genre?: Point and Click Adventures
Most Overrated Genre?: Platformers
Most Hated Game of All Time: Super Mario Sunshine
Most Beloved Game of All Time: Final Fantasy Tactics
Most Underrated/Overlooked/Unplayed Game (Series): Grim Fandango
Most Overrated/Overplayed Game (Series): Halo
Most Underrated/Overlooked/Unplayed Game: Indigo Prophecy
Most Overrated/Overplayed Game: Halo 3
Multiplayer or Singleplayer?: Singleplayer
On or Offline?: Offline
Game Character you would most like to meet in real life: a Chocobo
Game Character you would hate to meet in real life: A Face Hugger
Game World you would love to live in: Albion (Fable, Fable 2)
One aspect of games you would want in real life: Saves
One game item you wish was commercially sold: Boomerang Machete
Game you play to blow off stem: Postal 2
Game you play to emote: Indigo Prophecy
Game you play to show off skills to friends: Final Fantasy Tactics (over 900 hours logged baby!)
Game you play to show that "games are art": Silent Hill 2
Game you most want a sequel to: Grim Fandango
(Currently) most anticipated game: Heavy Rain
Best Video Game Song (instrumental): One Winged Angel
Best Video Game Song (lyrics): Still Alive
Best Video Game Score: Silent Hill 4
*yeah, I'm wasting too much time already, so I'll quit Till Next Time, Raistlinhawke
One more for today. Here is a little response I wrote to combat a forum-post by an avid Mario-fan decrying any proof that Super Mario Galaxy's gameplay was not entirely new. For those of you that have disregarded the character of Sonic, please take note of this, just one example of how it was the developers, not just the consumer, that screwed the blue hedgehog over. Again, sorry to non-gamers for this articles usage of many gamer-terms.
childhood
