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(My first blog, about one of my favorite subjects, don't destroy me too completely)
It's nearing the end of the year, and with that another year in Transformers comes to an end. While there are a few things to sporadically be released/revealed, most of the big things have come to pass or have been announced. And in THAT there are naturally some things that sucked. Sucked BAD. While I do plan on doing a more celebratory 2008 top ten, I figured I'd get the more negative list out of the way first. So with that....
My Top Ten Crappy Transformers Decisions for 2008!
The final part of my retrospective. Please read parts 1, 2, 3, and 4 first before reading this: Part 1
For those of you just joining us, please go read Part 1 and 2 first. Part 1
Welcome to part 2 of my original Transformers movie retrospective. Read part 1 here first, before continuing: Part One
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NOTE: There are spoilers ahead for those who haven't seen the movie yet. If you don't want to see them, I'd advise you to turn back now.
Everyone else: Let's continue.
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When we last left our heroes, Optimus had kicked some serious butt, but unfortunately the bucket as well. The Matrix of Leadership had been passed on to the Earth Autobot leader, Ultra-Magnus, and there was much grieving all around. The Autobots were going through their darkest of hours.
But what about the Decepticons?
 When we left THEM last they'd been forced to retreat after Megatron had been injured just as badly as Optimus. (But still didn't die for some reason.)
This is a post I wrote a long time ago, which I only just recently re-read, and still love. It details a review/commentary piece I wrote on the 1980s Transformers movie, which I had recently purchased. (The 20th Anniversary Version, I mean.) It's similar in style to anything the Nostalgia Critic would write, the only key difference is that it's a movie that I, and likely the rest of you too, genuinely enjoy. It's more of a humorous tribute than anything else. I'd like to reprint it here if I can, so just remember that any and all jokes I make at the movie's expense are all made because I like the movie so damn much.
Posted by: Lindsay in Transformers, Movie Reviews on
Sep 10, 2008
Allow me to relate the tale of Doris "Dorie" Miller. Miller was born to a poor black family in Waco, Texas, and upon deciding that working on his father's farm was going nowhere, enlisted in the United States Navy, only to end up a ship's cook. History changed in many ways, however, on the morning of December 7th, 1941 when after staying with his captain on the bridge until he died, he took up a post shooting a gun he had not been trained in, and contributed, if in a small way, in defending his country against the worst foreign assault in our nation's history, and became the first African American to receive the Navy Cross for going above and beyond the call of duty. His story is truly an inspiration to us all.
He is also, incidentally, not the protagonist of Michael Bay's 2001 opus, Pearl Harbor. Some made-up white people are (he makes a cameo, though!).
I don't watch much TV, but as I was preparing on an experimental run with Apple Motion I made some slightly illegal mistakes, and, well, I had to reinstall Motion. So while I'm waiting for Motion to reinstall, I popped on the old TV to pass some Internet-free time, but who should so rapturously cross my AMC but Michael Bay? That's right, today's feature from The Baytrix is Pearl Harbor, a Titanic-esque bid to cash in on historical drama-based romance. My God, there's even a shot of a goddamn boat tipping over while people hang onto its deck for dear life. For shame, Bay, usually you're not so uncomfortably transparent!
Mercifully this movie seems to have killed that Hollywood inclination, and we didn't really see any more such romantic shtuppings of our history's greatest tragedies. Bay trying to effectively say, "America, FUCK YEAH!" in a sincere, serious way is cute and all, but I'll take alien robots pissing on John Turturro and even "You are the biggest mistake in the history of NASA!" any day. At least then we don't need to feel awkward about the frivolous explosions and general sense of AWESOME in those movies.
I'm not sure how much fault Bay had in this, but given his insistence on having x amount of creative input into story, I'd say a pretty fair bit, and, typical of the Bay oeuvre, one of the most offensively bad parts of this movie is the love story. And, unlike in Armageddon and even Bad Boys before it, the love story is at the forefront here, in fact, I daresay, just like Titanic, it's pretty much the main plot of the movie. And this love plot is pretty fucking obtrusive; not only is it schmaltzy, sappy and uninteresting, but it's fucking uncomfortable and hard to relate to. Basic jist is that Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett grew up in Tennessee together, both wanting to be pilots from day one. Well, Ben Affleck's plane goes down, and Kate Beckinsale and Josh Hartnett mourn while bumming around at Pearl Harbor, eventually and predictably falling in love (and sex). But then, surprise! Guess who's not dead after all! OH BUT DOUBLE SURPRISE! Kate Beckinsale is pregnant with Josh Hartnett's baby! Fortunately the Japanese show up just in time to distract them from their soap opera. Wackiness ensues, all against the backdrop of the most devastating military assault in United States history!
And it is wacky. And Bay is trying to keep it serious and respectful, which is one of the more amusing facets of this movie. You can see him trying, oh, how he tries. But my God is he out of his element, and Michael Bay is absolutely notorious for giving very little credence to concepts like "story editing" or "reality". If you thought The Island, which was (apparently) trying to make some clumsy social commentary, was bad (and weirdly pro-life), at least that one took place in a fantasy world. Studio laden though this was, it's still Bay raining down metric tons of Bayhem, and if he can't rely on his distinguished Bay humor, it seems like he doesn't know what else to do but fall back on military jib jab. Grossly inaccurate military jib jab. I'd cite some inaccuracies, but more than half of the Wikipedia page for this movie took care of that for me.
That said, this movie is long.
I suppose Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett trying to do a folky Southern accent is endearing. Not in a good way, of course, but it is endearing. The same sort of endearing you feel when your six year old cousin can't quite hit that high note in the school pageant. His sometimes-remembered downhomeness, the grand swell of music right before his plane hits the Atlantic and he "dies". The subsequent slo-mo, the American flags abound, can it be that this film came out before 9/11?
Thing is, it made money. For the most part, all Bay movies make money. Lots of it. And money is the right of all sentient beings, so here, for your convenience and filmmaking pleasure, is a simple laundry list for how to make your very own Michael Bay movie: To Appropriate Some Bay-os: 1. The camera must never stop moving. Ever. For any reason.
2. Can't decide between a reaction shot and dropping papers to the floor dramatically? Split the difference!
3. Pepper emotional scenes with shots of government guys talking. Emotional scenes are gooey and un-fun, and should always be broken up with irrelevant tactical speak.
4. For increased drama, always use slow motion. Unless the situation is chaotic, then make the camera blurry and shakey. Both at the same time is okay, too.
5. One word: Jon Voight.
6. Bad guys scenes are signified primarily by timpanis. If the "land of the rising sun" flags that are shoved in our faces every time we see a scene set in Japan aren't enough, those bombastic drums will let us know it's those fuckin' nips. Or giant robots.
7. Women stand upwards of 5'7'' and 125 pounds (but no more than 130), have light skin, dark hair, bitchin' abs and blue eyes. They also weep a pretty fair bit.
8. Love scenes: a music swell is imperative, but inadequate. Toss in an ethereal soprano female voice to "ooooh" over the proceedings.
9. When in doubt, BOOM.
10. Cast only genuine, grade-A non-actors. And one take is enough takes. Always.
11. Should you be so brusque as to cast actual actors (such as Cuba Gooding, Jr), be sure to use them as little as possible.
12. Black people spend 90% of their time screaming or ranting. At least 50% of that time is spent screaming or ranting at their mothers/grandmothers/girlfriends.
I daresay this would probably explain the relative nonexistent part for poor Cuba Gooding, Jr. It's like if black characters aren't shrieking about their left ass cheeks or screaming at their mammies/grandmammies or yelling at the Japanese tourists in their taxi cabs or squawking about their dog, "Lil' Reggie", Bay's not quite sure what to do with them.
Posted by: Steve in Transformers, Movie Reviews on
Jul 10, 2008
I have a theory which states that Nostalgia Critics review of Transformers is in fact the origin of Bum Reviews. Since Transformers is a relatively new movie, one could not expect the Nostalgia Critic to review this movie with his usual wit and insight. To that end, I travelled into the future, about 7 years or so, to a point where Transformers would indeed be eligible for a nstalgic review. How ever I was shocked to discover that this site, thatguywiththeglasses.com, had been taken over by the Illuminati and was (or will be, since it's the future) being used to spread a false message designed to lull site viewers into believing that their secret shadowy overlords were actually down to earth, good people. Worse still, the Nostalgia critic had been (or will be) shot and killed, only to be replaced by Al Gore for some unknown reason (it's not even in the script...plothole?) and that Mr. Gore had decided not to give a critical nostalgic review of Transformers as his lord and master was Michael Bay aka the antichrist aka the spawn of satan aka Oprah Winfrey. In order to save the human race I have travelled back to the present to write the review that Nostalgia Critic will never write. It's all very complicated...you see if I write the review...Bay won't target this site for assimilation, thereby denying him access to thousands, perhaps millions of loyal followers, thereby ending his chances of ruling the world...in slow motion.
 Stan Bush is probably the most underrated rock singer/performer ever. You have probably never heard of him, but I bet you've heard his music. He did "The Touch" and "Dare" for the original 1986 Transformers film, "Capture the Dream" (which was used during the 1996 Olympic Games), and "Until I Was Loved By You" for "Guiding Light". If you want a CD that contains a great selection of his music, his 1997 album Call to Action would be the best choice. Well, either that or his 'best of' CD. Originally released as disc one of a 2 disc Transformers CD set, Call to Action is a collection of Stan Bush's memorable 'go-for-it' anthems. Half of the songs on this CD can be found on 3 of his 90s albums and some were first available here, and of those songs, only 3 were actually new. Also included is a love ballad, which shouldn't really be on this release.
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