Dixie Kong version of Donkey Kong Country 2 in 5 seconds.

www.magicinkgaming.com

Diddy Kong version of Donkey Kong Country 2 in 5 seconds.

Hello, everyone and I am Meru-Sama. I've been a long time fan of this site and the many talents it has. As a college bound writer, I've always been interested in film, but I mostly stuck to novel writing. After some inspiration from James Rolfe, Doug Walker, and others I eventually began to make short silly reviews and as I got better equipment and better knowledge of such, I then began doing better reviews and now I think I'm finally ready (And brave enough) to submit an episode of my new series Import Treasures.

I realize this site already has an import gamer (JewWario) but I hope you'll take a look anyway as I'm sure both of us can show you games you've never heard or seen before (And watch his reviews too!) Though JewWario specifically reviews games that anyone can play, I delve into any strange, good or bad, import game and conclude weather American audiences can easily play it, or if they should take the time to look up translations or faqs because it's just that awesome.

So here is the first episode to be submited on this site! I do have a few others before this one and you are free to check them out (Though I don't think they're nearly as good) here!

A few notes however: This episode did have some strange filming glitches that I hope to fix in the next episode. The sound jumps every now and then and there's a strange filming glitch near the end of part 2. So please don't comment about it! I know about it!

Also one last thing... this is my first blog post... so I hope I'm using it correctly!

The Commodore joins Roo in this very special episode for a 2-player review of Zombies Ate My Neighbors.

Continuing our celebration of Halloween-fest-tober 2009, we take you back to when Lucasarts was a game studio in its prime.  High off of the success of titles such as the Monkey Island series, they created what on the surface would seem to be a standard action game involving two teenagers fighting zombies.  But when you add in a bevy of weapons, tons of stages, and that classic off-the-wall humor, the product is much more than the sum of its parts.  Kinda like Frankenstein.

Too see more of our content, visit clanofthegraywolf.com

UPDATE:Changed to a direct link since some people were saying it wasn't working properly embedded.)

Nostalgia Critic vs. The Bum (Smash Bros. Brawl) recorded live at GMX 2009!

(Apologies for audio issues. They were playing Rock Band like right behind us as I recorded this.)

It's the triumphant return of 16-Bit Gems!

How great was Secret of Mana... er, Evermore? Better than you may remember. Roo will guide you down memory lane and challenge the discontent you may have felt from this game being released instead of Secret of Mana 2. So why wasn't the sequel to Mana brought to the West? Is Evermore the only Square RPG never released in Japan? And what game-lengthening tactic really sticks in Roo's craw? Find out in this video review of Secret of Evermore.

To see more of our content, visit clanofthegraywolf.com

Recently, Paul  "Paw"Schuler, Channel Awesome's music reviewer, and host of Transmission Awesome, was kind enough to take some time to discuss his work, life, and his thoughts on the music industrywith me.


Some Bloke: So, in one sentence, how would you sum yourself up?

Paw: Bored and preachy with an outlet to the masses.

SB: We were introduced to you with the "Full Circle" videos, but how did those come about?

P: Full Circle was born after my entry into the "Ask That Guy" contest and started wondering how difficult it would be to do a video series of my own, for YouTube or something. I started thinking for the longest time about a topic; I knew I wanted it to be music related. One day, I was listening to a mix CD while taking a shower which an eclectic mix of older and more recent songs, and I started to hear the influence of the past on present songs which in turn made me wonder what I've listened to in the past influenced what I listen to today. So I unearth my old editing software from years ago to start learning it's ins and outs, gathered the courage to put my mug on camera and crossed my fingers. I honestly just planned it to be an small project I could show off to friends and family, but I'm glad it was well received enough to garner attention to gain Best of Blogs on Transmission Awesome and ultimately, site administrator, Mike Michaud.

SB: You've been one of the hosts of Transmission Awesome for a while now. Could you share any behind the scenes info?

P: Sean (hopewithinchaos) I've known for a good while, then I was introduced to Chris (RolloT) and Coldguy when I was invited to the podcast. After then we've spoken pretty regularly up to the point I was invited to be a co-host so we have a rapport going, therefore the jokes fly pretty fast and furious at eachother's expense. It's all in good fun mind you and we do tend to play it up, but we hold no ill will to eachother in any way, so don't take the insults seriously. Except for the fat jokes, we mean all those 100%. Usually after the podcast is over, you can find us all hanging out on Skype playing a few online games, or more recently, recording them for the new series, TA Plays.

SB: Since you're the resident music guru, I'm assuming you've got an MP3 player of some description. So, what are your top five songs on it, and why?

P: Yup, got me a Sony 8 gig.. something or other. I'm saving up for the newest model which is 32 gigs with built in Wi-Fi, which is awesome since I can update album info on the fly. I don't have in in front of me so I'll do my best from memory:

*Champion - Tawoumga
Discovered these guys from a recent trailer for the game "Borderlands" which me and AngryJoe are looking forward to immensely. This track has an awesome groove in the middle of it which I find myself tracking to and looping endlessly.

*The Field - A Paw in my Face
This song has a nice slow, relaxed groove all the way through and kind of reminds me of the Crydamore style of sampling and looping. Plus it has my name in it.

*Zero7 - Mr. McGee
The newest album from Zero7, a real departure from the previous 2 albums. Think about blending the jazzy style of Royksopp with the overblown synth-pop style of La Roux.

*Rodrigo y Gabriela - Logos
This song just builds and builds from a single and simple guitar groove. I love that kind of thing, how one 10 second artifact can be the basis of a 5 minute song. On a side note, this is kind of what the next few March of Istria songs will be, we're planning to take a single song, and make an entire album from it. We're still looking for the perfect song to sample.

*AIM - Just Passin' Through
I love this guy and you'll often hear this song play in the background in Transmission Awesome. A 7 minute song sampling some of the best 70s grooves ever.

SB: You've stated that you are a gamer, so what's your favourite console and your favourite game?

P:  I grew up as a PC gamer in the 90s, so I'll forever be a fan of the adventure game genre of yesteryear. Quest for Glory, Space Quest. The Super Nintendo will always be my favourite though since that was my baby-sitter in elementary/middle school. I still remember the first day I got it in a Price Club, with the money I saved for months and months. Picked it up off the shelves while the other kids, huddled around the demo unit playing Super Mario World stopped and stared at me, jaws agape in quiet admiration and jealousy. Favourite game of all time? I would have to say the original Civilization from 1991. I would daydream in school all the time about how when I got home, how I would alter my method of ga

SB: How long does a video take, on average, to make, from conception to completion?

P: Nowadays, if I really concentrate, about 2-3 weeks. I'm an awful writer and feel much for comfortable spouting off stream of conscious instead of scripting. But that's difficult since I need to get my thoughts in at the right moment since I don't want to obscure the music I'm playing with my ramblings (which I did way too much in the original Full Circle series in retrospect). My time is taken up quite a bit by work and being lazy, but I try to get things out in a timely manner.

SB: The future of the music industry has come under examination in recent years, with the Internet causing huge changes in the way people people listen to music. Do you think the music industry has a future? Also, what do you make of today's mainstream music?

P: I remember a few years ago I would avoid mainstream music like an AIDS-stricken, rabid Doberman. These days I sample it sparingly and cautiously and most always regret it. I'll use as an example Kanye West and Lady GaGa of how far off the track mainstream music is. Awful awful AWFUL bullshit, yet people eat it up and live shows sell out to capacity making these people ungodly amounts of money, getting even more ego-fueled and making even worse crap pandering to the lowest common denominator where the biggest record sales lie. Where are the innovators? We need more progression! That's why I say thank GOD for YouTube and LastFM and the like, giving an instant huge audience to the purest innovators, making music from the heart in their bedrooms and home studios. I also praise Pandora and the Music Genome Project for the ability to type in the names of modern crap music, then being able to unearth some of the underlying gems buried deep in its foundation, being able to hear the music's ROOTS.  The music industry of course has a future, but I foresee the death of the major record label giving birth to independence, giving power to the artist. My thoughts on the music industry are admittedly communist in nature.

SB: Can you give us a hint about what sort of things you have planned for TGTWG in the future?

P: I've been trying to find a good format for a music show, like highlighting new releases, new videos, things like that. I've put together a few pilots and tests, but nothing I feel comfortable sharing yet. We're also having a ton of fun with the TA Plays show and I doubt that we'll run out of games to play any time soon so look for more of those. Ideas for new shows are always welcome in my forum, the Disney special was made purely because of fan reccomendation so keep 'em coming!

SB: And to close us out, do you have an amusing anecdote to share?

P: Not so much an anecdote but a suggestion. I know I've said it over and over, but please people, turn off your radios and switch off MTV. Go to Pandora.com and type in your favourite artist or song, then maybe you can not only being a massive torrent of new artists which lead to more artists well into infinity. Support your independent artists, be it on YouTube, MySpace music, LastFM or whatever. Building a library of non-mainstream music will better buffer you against the death of big business music.  Crap, sorry for being so preachy but I feel strongly about this stuff!

I'd like to give a big thanks to Paw for taking part in this interview, and thanks to you for reading!

What were the best consoles of their respective generations after the leap into 3D gaming? The Commodore and Roo continue their discussion of the winners and losers of each console generation as they further develop the Roo-ian theory of console success. Remember when the word Xbox prompted laughter? Will there ever be a console more successful than the PS2? Remember the first time you heard the phrase "Wii would like to play?" These questions pondered and a whole lot more in Generational Warfare part 2 here on the Echo Screen.

To download any of our podcasts as mp3's, visit us at clanofthegraywolf.com

In this episode:

And in case you missed it, below is part 1 of our epic two part video podcast, in which we talk about the console wars of the late 80's & 90's, who won them, and why.

Yes, I know.  Long title.  But it was either that or "Big Smash Bang With Boobies".

If you have not yet seen any of our 16-Bit Gem videos (reviews of overlooked games from the Super Nintendo / Genesis era), then today's your lucky day.  In preparation for the end of a month-long hiatus for the series, we're posting all 4 episodes right here for your perusal - a veritable smorgasbord of early 90's gaming goodness.  Yes, there's something for everyone: Trekkies, JRPG fans, and even evolutionary biologists.  Feel free to leave comments, and look for the epic episode 5 to be posted in the coming week.

For more of our content, visit clanofthegraywolf.com

Illusion of Gaia (Super Nintendo)

EVO: Search for Eden (Super Nintendo)

Star Trek: Starfleet Academy Starship Bridge Simulator (Super Nintendo)

ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron (Genesis / Mega Drive)

In this episode of the Echo Screen Roo joins the Commodore in reflecting on the winners of each video game console generation beginning with the NES.  How did each assert their dominance and win their console war?  To answer this question, Roo applies his grand unified theory of console-game-nomics while the Commodore adds color commentary!  Will Roo's theory hold up though the generations?  What innovation did the Genesis bring to the party?  Did the CD-I really sell more than 500 consoles?  Found out as the Clan of the Gray Wolf engages in Generational Warfare!

In this episode:
- (0:00) Intro and memories of our first consoles
- (9:00) The 3rd generation of video games (Nintendo Entertainment System, Sega Master System)
- (19:30) The 4th generation of video games (Super Nintendo, Genesis/MegaDrive)
- (38:30) The 5th generation of video games (Playstation, Nintendo 64)

Look for part two of this podcast, in which we'll talk about the more recent console wars, who won them, and why.

For more of our content, or to download this podcast as an mp3, visit clanofthegraywolf.com

FLUFFYMAN NOSTALGIA SPECIAL

PART THREE: The Merchandising

With every big franchise everyone wants a piece of the pie, and “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” is no different, since the cartoon became a big hit, it’s spawned every sort of medium you can imagine.  It is also what kind of sullied the name because it’s being marketed to kids, the cartoon became less violent, as did the movies, and the original Mirage comics by and large became less recognized.  It was the cash-cow of the late-80’s to early 90’s that every kid had to have.  I am here to make a bit of a deconstruction of the types of merchandise the property spun off into.  I’ll start with the Videogames, then go to the toys as well as miscellaneous products like cereal and dive into one of the most atrocious things to hit music since Milli Vanilli, the “Coming out of their Shells” tour.

Section One: The Videogames

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” (NES/WII)

“Cowabunga… Cowa-fucking-piece-of-dog-shit.” – James Rolfe

The green machine’s first foray into console territory wasn’t very good. It’s basically a platformer in which you can switch between the four turtles at any time, and it’s a big help when just about every enemy is out for your blood. There is barely enough breathing room, if only for the overhead sections which serve as a break but occasionally that has enemies as well, even those that can run you over in one hit. It doesn’t help that this game utilizes the stand-by “enemies that respawn off-screen” which everyone loves. It doesn’t get mondo difficult until you get to the Dam section which can be pretty damning for any game player, even though I do remember we did get through it one time but I’m guessing that was on sheer luck. In the game it’s always best to play either Leonardo or Donatello, since they have the long range weapons; Michelangelo and Raphael are pretty much worthless unless you have little choice. From what I’ve seen the ending isn’t exactly worth it for the amount of time you will spend, and this is an old school NES game where there are no continues or a password, so when you turn it off or die, it’s Game Over. Out of all the TMNT games this one you should make a note to avoid.

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” a.k.a. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game” (ARCADE/NES/XBLA)

"FIRE!" "Hang on April!"

(Arcade/XBLA Version)

(NES version)

Now this is where things go right, an arcade game that started the trend of cartoons-to-arcades being beat-em-ups including “The Simpsons”, “Bucky O’ Hare”, and “X-Men” (Which is based upon a failed cartoon pilot). It also found great success being ported to the NES while only stripped of two-players, it still keeps some of elements true to form and even has extra stages including one loosely based upon an episode of the show. It’s simple, go right and beat up a bunch of Foot Soldiers having the many colors of the rainbow, occasionally with different weapons, on foot or in one instance on a rocket propelled skateboard, then there are Mousers, those drill thingies, and even things that cry fry and freeze you. It’s a beat-em-up formula that works very well and is especially fun to play with friends… though I’m betting there would be many who will debate who needs the pizza more. I only ever remember any of our family getting to the last stage twice, once on the NES (Which we didn’t beat) and the Arcade which I believe my brothers helped beat it. I was able to beat the game when it came to Xbox Live Arcade though that has the benefit of unlimited continues (At least when playing local, online it’s more limited). The Arcade version I think is the best way to go, though the NES is no slouch (In spite of the flicker that plagues a lot of these types of games), playing with three others just has a lot more charm.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project" (NES)

(distorted) "Cowabunga!"

I’ve covered this in a previous rant as a fuller beat-em-up experience on the NES than the port of the arcade game, and I still stand by that statement. The fighting feels much more refined in this game so it doesn’t feel as repetitive to slay members of the foot clan, plus it was specifically made for the console so it doesn’t feel scaled down from anything and the graphics are varied and colorful. It’s also one of the first console beat-em-ups I remember where you have the ability to switch characters after you die. This is also the first game appearance of movie characters like Tokka, Razar and the Super Shredder. I really wish they could release this to the Wii Virtual Console, the half-assed first NES game did, why can’t this?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles In Time" (IV) (ARCADE/NES, remake on XBLA)

"Duh-dum-duh-dum-duh PIZZA POWER!"

(Arcade Intro)

(Arcade Stage One and Two, by SivakD)

(SNES Stage One, by Bigg075)

While this was labeled as the fourth on the home console, it’s the true sequel to the arcade game. The scale is much bigger this time as the heroes in a half-shell have to deal with the evil Shredder who has stolen the statue of liberty and has his greedy hands trying to change history. Now here is a game you might just enjoy on the SNES more than the arcade, while the original has the advantage of four players and a whole lot more foot, the console edition has more levels and added mode 7 effects especially in “Neon Night Riders” where you get to fight Krang while on floating platforms. The bosses are a little different too, Tokka and Razar you get to fight in one of the new stages and they are replaced by swashbuckling versions of Bebop and Rocksteady, while the oddly named Cement Man gets replaced by the far more recognizable Turtle Slash. Overall though no matter what version this is probably the best Turtles game in my opinion, and one of the best Arcade beat-em-ups. Though I’ll have to give points off of it for using a song from the atrocious “Coming out of their Shells” tour (More on that later). It’s also has a 3-D remake on Xbox Live Arcade, which I only played the demo so I can't form a full opinion on it. However here’s a preview for it from IGN:

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Hyperstone Heist” (GEN)

(First Stage by Aldebaran Gold Saint)

This is basically “Turtles in Time” scaled down… really scaled down. The game is only five stages long, and has recycled sound effects, music (albeit different sounding due to the Genesis limitations) and animations from the other game as well as some from the first Arcade game. The only things going for is the ability to run and the only game where you get to fight off against Tatsu from the movies (“Never lower your eyes to an enemy.”). Generally though a lot of it’s the same, even has a very similar set-up and ending. Though I guess it’s all right for Genesis owners who don’t have an SNES, but it isn’t the same as a straight port.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Tournament Fighters" (GEN/SNES)

(Genesis by ShiryuGL)

(SNES by GrandMasterLynx)

The difference between these two versions is like night and day, neither is all that similar except having Turtles characters duke it out. The Genesis version is the grittier looking of the two, has Casey Jones and even a non-jumpsuit wearing April O’ Neil in the roster. The SNES more looks like the cartoon with April being in the sidelines and wearing her stupid banana jumpsuit, and the female fighter is some random chick named Aska that can use her ass as a weapon (And in the Japan version she has a thong). Both versions is also the first time outside of comic books that Karai has appeared, so it does have some significance in Turtles history. I do have vague recollections of both games but only remember any of my immediate family having a better time beating through the SNES version, because if I recall the Genesis version’s AI is kind of cheap. Still I don’t think these are the best fighters out there, while there are worse, I would recommend a “Street Fighter” over a “Ninja Turtles.” This also released on the NES but I never played it.

Briefs on games I haven’t played:

-Konami’s “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” 2K3 Games: I had some hopes for them because it’s made by Konami who made the best Turtles games and they are beat-em-ups, but they look even more tedious than the old-school games.  Cel-shaded graphics and the vocal talents of the cartoon, as well as four-player simultaneous play on the second and third installments do not entice me to repetitive gameplay.  The second and third games as bonus material also contain butchered versions of the first Turtles arcade game, and “Turtles In Time” respectively.  Now that they are both will be availiable XBLA there is little reason to purchase these games.  Oh and they also tried to make a fighting game in the form of “Mutant Melee” but that got panned worse than the beat-em-ups.

-Ubisoft’s “TMNT” movie tie-in: AKA “The Turtles of Persia.”  The concept is sound, a Prince of Persia like platformer involving the Ninja Turtles but the execution I hear is a lot to be desired, it’s just too damn easy from what I hear.  You can’t really die in it, it’s very linear looking, the platforming and action segments are very separate from each other, and you can’t play more than one Turtle on the screen at the same time.  It also contains some of the easiest achievements to get, only beaten by “Avatar: The Burning Earth” in which you can get all of the achievements in the first five minutes (I’m not kidding).  The best version from what I hear, surprisingly enough is the GBA version which plays like an old-school beat-em-up in the vein of the old Konami games… except One player, and you don’t get all the Turtles from the beginning.  Still there hasn’t been much incentive to make me want to play the console games.

-Coming Soon “TMNT Smash Up”: It basically looks like Brawl with a health meter and the Turtles, it’s from some of the same developers but it also looks like it has a less diverse moveset.  I’ll make better judgment when it comes out this summer.

NEXT TIME: The toys.

Rant to be continued…

“Stupid banana coat wearing bitch.” – James Rolfe again after April tells the Turtles “You have my support.”

"Painful Memories in Gaming" is an ongoing series of skits that explore the less than optimal experiences one may have had with video games over the years. Feedback is always welcome.

With the technical difficulties on the blogs this past weekend, now seems a good time to not only repost this week's Painful Memory, but also repost all of the previous episodes in case you are new to the series.

To see the rest of our content (blogs, vlogs, and other series), visit us at www.clanofthegraywolf.com

Final Fantasy VII:

Wii Sports:

Sonic Adventure / Dreamcast:

Metroid:

Hello, and welcome to "Angel in the Shoulder". What is "Angel on the Shoulder"? Well, this is where I comment and contrast the Nostalgia Critic reviews, giving you a second opinion on the whole thing. Why is it called "Angel on the Shoulder"? Because of the classic cartoon tradition of the little angel and the little demon appearing on the shoulders of the main character.


And, for starters, I'm gonna go with his review on "Pokemon: The First Movie". Now, it shows that Nostie (because writing "Nostalgia Critic" every single time is tiresome on my fingers) doesn't read the comments on his own videos. Most of the stuff I have to say about this video have already been adressed in the comments...but I'll say them anyway.


First,. it's strange that a guy who makes a living reviewing cartoons and movies from the 80s wouldn't know about "Monster in my Pocket", the classic 80s toyline which became a sticker album and then a cartoon show. If he knew about that, he would realize that the reason this is called "Pokemon" is because "Pocket Monster" is just itching for a copyright infringment lawsuit. Remember when the movie "Venom" came out and it had nothing to do with Eddie Brock or Spider-Man? Or how about that movie "Anamorph", completely devoid of aliens, kids turning into animals or X-Men reject actors? Same thing here.


Second, most of the stuff he complained about shows his ignorance about what "A 4Kids" Production REALLY means. 4Kids, in case you don't know, is an American company infamous for picking up violent, mature, dark anime, removing all the blood, gore, swearing, drinking and sex and then making up their own kiddifyed plots to fill the vaccum created by all that "adult" material in the editing room. It's an anime version of Joel Schumacher taking the Batman franchise away from Tim Burton. So, if the movie is kiddifyed and stupid, if the movie's message makes no sense or the characters have nothing resembling a personality, it's most likely 4Kid's fault. I mean, you wouldn't blame Bob Kane and Bill Finger for George Clooney having nipples in his Batsuit, wouldn't you?

 Second, I call fault on the "in Disney, people stay dead" comment. Sure, it happened in "The Lion King", but Tinkerbell came back to life in "Peter Pan", didn't she? Gurgi came back to life in "The Black Cauldron", didn't he? What about Pinocchio in "Pinocchio", Aslan in the first "Chronicles of Narnia" movie (and he was a lion, too!), Megara in "Hercules"? "It's fucking creepy" to bring back people from the dead with tears, but "I believe in fairies" and "I'm gonna swim the River Styx to bring my dead girlfriend back to life" ISN'T creepy?

 And the reason why this doesn't have backstory? It's not made for people like you, Nostie. It's made for people like me, ie. someone who was actually brought up with Pokemon in their childhood. I sure didn't see any backstory and explanation in the "Masters of the Universe" movie, and you clearly weren't confused then. By the way, don't you find a little odd that, apparently, Mewtwo is a Catholic fanatic who is pissed of because he was created by science and not God? I mean, this is a Japanese production. Most Japanese are Buddhists, and Buddhists have no concept of "God" (they have several, named gods, and none of them matches the Abrahamic God)? It's like a Narnia character trying to use the power of Kali. And since when does "God" even exist in Planet Pokemon? As far I know, the Pokemon universe was actually created by a Pokemon (whose name escapes my memory), NOT by God. And I never seen Ash or any character entering a church, much less praying. So, even before 4Kids butchered it, Mewtwo's motivation MADE NO FRIGGIN SENSE.


And am I the only one who gets massive Torgo vibes from the Jenny that serves Mewtwo? "I tAkE cArE oF tHe pOkEmOn WhIlE mEwTwO iS aWaY. He WoUlD nOt aPpRoVe YoUr PrEsEnCe HeRe. No, He WoUlD NoT aPpRoVe."


So, what do I think of this movie? I think that, if you ever played the videogames and/or watched (and enjoyed) the TV show, you are gonna like this. It may not be the best anime movie ever, but at least it's better than the Digimon movie, which is 5 hours long and nothing interesting happens in it. Like "2046", only without the artsiness.

The third in a series of "painful memories in gaming" from the Clan of the Gray Wolf.  To see the rest of our content, visit us at www.clanofthegraywolf.com

In case you missed them, here are the first two videos in the series, dealing with Sonic the Hedgehog and Metroid:

Touch Detective 2 1/2

Before I start, no this game is not about porn in any way shape or form. And I know what some of you are thinking. "Why in the world is it 2 1/2? What happened to the original?" Well first of all, I never played the original. On my search to find the original, I managed to pick up the sequel instead. Secondly, the title is just one of the many attempts at humor. So, let's start off with...

~Plot~

You play as Mackenzie, a little girl with a white barrette and her mushroom based side kick, Funghi who goes around solving cases. It's explained that in the first game Mackenzie was accepted into The Great Detective's Society.....and that's it. The game is extremely random as hell when it comes to a plot. Matter in fact, the game starts with a quiz that has ABSOULTELY NOTHING to do with the ending of the game. It's just a random quiz that simply asks only one relevant question (whether or not the player has played the original game in the series) and then the rest of the questions are just bad puns and jokes. Then the player gets shoved into playing a tutorial, which thankfully if you’re a vet to the series (that's if you played the first game) you can skip. After that...it's just goes down a hill of random. Of course, I'm being a bit harsh. The game does develop a plot, which is the villain/new arch-rival, The Cornstalker (no, I'm not making this up) is going around stealing priceless artifacts. At first, this seems like to be the common theme in all the cases (or episodes as it's called). But by the time you reach the end of the game, this common theme gets thrown out the window for a climax that was not only unexpected but was barely hinted at as the game progresses. Don’t believe me. Well, let’s take a look at the first case shall we.

Episode 1- Robbery, The Salvation of an Ancient Relic
The game starts off when Mackenzie is asked by her friend, Penelope to find her missing colored noodles. (preferably green and pink noodles.) As you search for her missing noodles, you discover that other people in town had their colored noodles replaced with white ones like Penelope and that everyone will use these noodles in order to enter the Noodle Festival. Which then, Mackenzie remembers she doesn’t have any “noodle contribution” for the festival. And thus must go on a side quest to gather as many noodles as she can. And just to save everyone’s sanity, just know that it keeps going downhill from there.

Honestly, this kind of plot wouldn’t bother me so much if the game play didn’t revolve around the several bad puns and jokes littered in this game. Speaking of which….

~Game Play~

This game was made around 2007, which if I recall correctly developers were still testing out the mechanics and game play elements that could be used with the DS’s touch screen. As such, the game play in Touch Detective is like an old school point and click adventure for the PC. This type of style seems not only creative but also intuitive.  But, that gets thrown at the window when you try the controls. At times, I found moving around with the stylus to be very frustrating. I would either forget to not tap too many times or wouldn’t tap enough to move around, causing Mackenzie to either freeze or crash into random objects. The puzzles flow with a simple “In order to progress further, you need this item” or "You need to talk to this guy" game play. But sadly because a majority of the puzzles are based on bad puns and jokes it falls flat and becomes extremely frustrating. Let’s go back to my previous example of the first case to prove how frustrating it can be.

In Mackenzie’s quest to find noodles for the Noodle Festival, she meets the new owner of an antique store named Conor, who claims he doesn’t have any noodles. Most people would skip this store completely. But if the player clicks in the middle column of a shelf, where NO NOODLES are visible in the background mind you, he will actually talk to you about possibly trading noodles for a rare antique. And sadly, this is just one of the many frustrating puzzles in the game. I can’t even count the times I had to look for answers in a walkthrough via gamefaqs.com just to continue playing the game. But there is one slight redeeming quality to this game that I will admit and that’s…

~Music~

The music actually flows nicely with the quirkiness of the game. I found the song, “A Mother’s Lullaby” to be a soothing and relaxing tone whenever I was close to throwing this game half way across the room. Sadly, it’s only played once during each case/episode and the rest of scores get quickly overshadowed by the bad sound effects in the game. For example, the sound of Funghi’s grunting went from being humorous to being just plain annoying when mixed with some of the music it just becomes a very unpleasing experience. They could have cut out a lot of the sound effects. But game follows this cartoon image that quickly goes from being somewhat humorous to being annoying.

~Replay Value~

This game has a bonus episode which only serves a purpose as being a giant side quest for unlocking extra content. The extra content only includes the music in the game, character profiles, and pictures. For those that love to reach a hundred percent completion, this isn’t a bad concept. But considering the game play elements and overall plot of the game, most players may stop playing the game before even reaching the final episode.

~Overall~

This game has the potential of being a very humorous point and click adventure like a more notable game. *cough*Monkey Island*cough*  But sadly, the frustrating puzzle design and game play cripple this game immensely causing it to be a frustrating experience rather than a pleasant one.  There are far better games out there that utilize the touch screen and manage to have a pleasant, humorous experience. This game is just not one of them. So, take it from me and never buy this game.

Happy 4th, everyone. Elbow deep into editing, I give you this:

Every form of entertainment has its own clichés. From films where the bad guy is the hero's dad/brother/hamster to books where it turns out to be all a dream, clichés are often found in the place of creativity. For a variety of reasons, video games are particularly prone to the same clichés being repeated over and over again, often being extremetly annoying to gamers. So here my list of the top five most annoying video game clichés.

1. Exploding Barrels

Yes, it's a good feeling when you manage to shoot a barrel from a distance, causing a huge fireball that takes out a lot of enemies. More often though, an enemy will shoot a barrel you though you weren't in the way of, killing your character and frustrating you endlessly.

What's actually inside those things away? Petrol? Napalm? Fat from liposuction clinics? Seriously, the explosions these things usually cause is huge. If even the slightest knock creates a huge fireball, why are they left out in the open, where anything could accidently damage them? I can even remember a game that had exploding crates, which is beyond ridiculous.

 2. Collecting Coins

Whlist platform games are the most gulity of this, alot of games force you to collect coins/stars/dog tags with OCD like precision. Whlist some games give you a reward for collecting enough objects, such as an extra life, some of the rewards simply make the player feel like they've wasted their time. For example, concept art is nice to look at, but it's not that good a reward for all that effort.

Destroy all Humans! for the Playstation 2 had the right idea, with the player being able to unlock an indepth making of feature with commentary from the developers, as well as an entire 1950's B-Movie for their efforts. Then there are the games which give you no real reward for collecting things, or make you unlock things that shouldn't be locked in the first place  (like Sypro the Dragon 3's final level), making the whole concept completely worthless.

3. Terrible Voice Acting and Scripts

Although jokes about the dialogue in the first Resident Evil have become a staple of gamer culture ("You were almost a Jill sandwich!"), in the 12 years since,  the majority of video game scripts haven't improved much since then.

Due to their interactive nature, it's understandable why games focus less on story telling than other types of media. However, the same generic plots (Aliens have invaded! Some youth must defeat a world destroying evil! Soldiers have captured some nuclear missles!) repeated over and over again do get a bit tiresome. One of the main reasons I praised Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars was due to its strong story telling and characterisation, proving that telling a compelling story in a game is possible.

Although the problem of engrish in game scripts has decreased over recent years, most scripts are fairly lifeless. Poor voice acting doesn't help ethier, with a lot of voice overs sounding like they were done by the developer's receptionist. As for movie tie-ins, if they even manage to get the original actors at all, it sounds like they were recorded at gun point. However, there are alot of talented voice actors out there, and performances such as Malcom Macdowell in Fallout 3 and David Hayter in the Metal Gear Solid series prove that quality voice overs in games are possible.

4. Invisible Walls

We've all been there. You've got to a new area in the game, and you're running about, exploring. You see a place that looks interesting, so you run over, only to find your character stuck, running on the spot. Invisible wall syndrome has struck again.

This reminds me of the "fogging" from the first Playstation, where areas the consoles couldn't render were blurred to help create the illusion that the area was bigger than it really was. However, now the pracite of blurring has been dropped, and the developers aren't covering up areas they haven't created. It's annoying when you see something interesting in the distance, only to find that it's simply a backdrop and you are stuck against an invisible wall. Why couldn't the spot have been covered up with a wall or a cliff, rather than an invisble boundary? The worst is when the object blocking you is something your character should be logically be able to get past, or a poorly rendered boundary blocking you. Invisible walls are a source of much frustration in gaming.

5. Stupid AI

Here's one for you. Imagine that you are a soldier and a one man army has been tearing through your ranks like a knife through hot butter. Now he's in the same room as you. Do you:

A: Take cover and fire back?

B: Organise your fellow soldiers into a formation so you can attack in safety?

C: Stand out in the open and shoot blindly, hoping to hit him before he hits you?

If you answered C, you may be a video game enemy!

Although video game AI has improved over the years, I've still played lots of games where the enemies are eithier incredibly stupid, or outright suicidal. The AI in many games seems perfectly happy to simply stand out in the open, or run into your line of fire.

This isn't just limited to enemy AI eithier. As any Spoony fan knows, AI controlled team mates can be very obstructive and unhelpful ("You're in my spot sir"). I've seen games in which your allies will attack random objects, or even worse, get stuck on things and be unable to move.

Escort missions are the bane of most gamer's existance. Who actually likes these missions where you have to protect slow, bumbling idiots from harm? Why are they still put into games? Remember the missions in Metal Gear Solid 2 where you have to protect Emma? Those where some of the most irritating parts of any game I've ever played. If we have to suffer through escort missions, the AI controlled character we have to protect should at least have some common sense and a way to protect themselves. In Metal Gear Solid 3, when you had to protect an injured EVA, she was slow, but at least she was able to shoot enemies and have enough sense to stay hidden. It's just annoying that we are given such stupid allies in modern games.

In short, whlist  no form of media will ever be completely free from clichés, it would be nice if video game developers could cut down on some of the most annoying ones. Thanks for reading!

Long ago and far away, in a galaxy where gravity makes you it's bitch....

link ^

This is actually Episode 2. The first episode was Amagon for NES, but I thought this episode was the better one to debut, first. It was generally better than the other one, I thought, in several ways.