FLUFFYMAN NOSTALGIA SPECIAL

 

 

PART THREE: The Merchandising

With every big franchise everyone wants a piece of the pie, and “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” is no different, since the cartoon became a big hit, it’s spawned every sort of medium you can imagine.  It is also what kind of sullied the name because it’s being marketed to kids, the cartoon became less violent, as did the movies, and the original Mirage comics by and large became less recognized.  It was the cash-cow of the late-80’s to early 90’s that every kid had to have.  I am here to make a bit of a deconstruction of the types of merchandise the property spun off into.  I’ll start with the Videogames, then go to the toys as well as miscellaneous products like cereal and dive into one of the most atrocious things to hit music since Milli Vanilli, the “Coming out of their Shells” tour.

 

Section One: The Videogames

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” (NES/WII)

“Cowabunga… Cowa-fucking-piece-of-dog-shit.” – James Rolfe

 

The green machine’s first foray into console territory wasn’t very good. It’s basically a platformer in which you can switch between the four turtles at any time, and it’s a big help when just about every enemy is out for your blood. There is barely enough breathing room, if only for the overhead sections which serve as a break but occasionally that has enemies as well, even those that can run you over in one hit. It doesn’t help that this game utilizes the stand-by “enemies that respawn off-screen” which everyone loves. It doesn’t get mondo difficult until you get to the Dam section which can be pretty damning for any game player, even though I do remember we did get through it one time but I’m guessing that was on sheer luck. In the game it’s always best to play either Leonardo or Donatello, since they have the long range weapons; Michelangelo and Raphael are pretty much worthless unless you have little choice. From what I’ve seen the ending isn’t exactly worth it for the amount of time you will spend, and this is an old school NES game where there are no continues or a password, so when you turn it off or die, it’s Game Over. Out of all the TMNT games this one you should make a note to avoid.

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” a.k.a. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game” (ARCADE/NES/XBLA)

"FIRE!" "Hang on April!"

(Arcade/XBLA Version)

 

(NES version)

Now this is where things go right, an arcade game that started the trend of cartoons-to-arcades being beat-em-ups including “The Simpsons”, “Bucky O’ Hare”, and “X-Men” (Which is based upon a failed cartoon pilot). It also found great success being ported to the NES while only stripped of two-players, it still keeps some of elements true to form and even has extra stages including one loosely based upon an episode of the show. It’s simple, go right and beat up a bunch of Foot Soldiers having the many colors of the rainbow, occasionally with different weapons, on foot or in one instance on a rocket propelled skateboard, then there are Mousers, those drill thingies, and even things that cry fry and freeze you. It’s a beat-em-up formula that works very well and is especially fun to play with friends… though I’m betting there would be many who will debate who needs the pizza more. I only ever remember any of our family getting to the last stage twice, once on the NES (Which we didn’t beat) and the Arcade which I believe my brothers helped beat it. I was able to beat the game when it came to Xbox Live Arcade though that has the benefit of unlimited continues (At least when playing local, online it’s more limited). The Arcade version I think is the best way to go, though the NES is no slouch (In spite of the flicker that plagues a lot of these types of games), playing with three others just has a lot more charm.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project" (NES)

(distorted) "Cowabunga!"

 

I’ve covered this in a previous rant as a fuller beat-em-up experience on the NES than the port of the arcade game, and I still stand by that statement. The fighting feels much more refined in this game so it doesn’t feel as repetitive to slay members of the foot clan, plus it was specifically made for the console so it doesn’t feel scaled down from anything and the graphics are varied and colorful. It’s also one of the first console beat-em-ups I remember where you have the ability to switch characters after you die. This is also the first game appearance of movie characters like Tokka, Razar and the Super Shredder. I really wish they could release this to the Wii Virtual Console, the half-assed first NES game did, why can’t this?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles In Time" (IV) (ARCADE/NES, remake on XBLA)

"Duh-dum-duh-dum-duh PIZZA POWER!"

(Arcade Intro)

 

(Arcade Stage One and Two, by SivakD)

(SNES Stage One, by Bigg075)

While this was labeled as the fourth on the home console, it’s the true sequel to the arcade game. The scale is much bigger this time as the heroes in a half-shell have to deal with the evil Shredder who has stolen the statue of liberty and has his greedy hands trying to change history. Now here is a game you might just enjoy on the SNES more than the arcade, while the original has the advantage of four players and a whole lot more foot, the console edition has more levels and added mode 7 effects especially in “Neon Night Riders” where you get to fight Krang while on floating platforms. The bosses are a little different too, Tokka and Razar you get to fight in one of the new stages and they are replaced by swashbuckling versions of Bebop and Rocksteady, while the oddly named Cement Man gets replaced by the far more recognizable Turtle Slash. Overall though no matter what version this is probably the best Turtles game in my opinion, and one of the best Arcade beat-em-ups. Though I’ll have to give points off of it for using a song from the atrocious “Coming out of their Shells” tour (More on that later). It’s also has a 3-D remake on Xbox Live Arcade, which I only played the demo so I can't form a full opinion on it. However here’s a preview for it from IGN:

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Hyperstone Heist” (GEN)

(First Stage by Aldebaran Gold Saint)

 

This is basically “Turtles in Time” scaled down… really scaled down. The game is only five stages long, and has recycled sound effects, music (albeit different sounding due to the Genesis limitations) and animations from the other game as well as some from the first Arcade game. The only things going for is the ability to run and the only game where you get to fight off against Tatsu from the movies (“Never lower your eyes to an enemy.”). Generally though a lot of it’s the same, even has a very similar set-up and ending. Though I guess it’s all right for Genesis owners who don’t have an SNES, but it isn’t the same as a straight port.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Tournament Fighters" (GEN/SNES)

(Genesis by ShiryuGL)

 

(SNES by GrandMasterLynx)

The difference between these two versions is like night and day, neither is all that similar except having Turtles characters duke it out. The Genesis version is the grittier looking of the two, has Casey Jones and even a non-jumpsuit wearing April O’ Neil in the roster. The SNES more looks like the cartoon with April being in the sidelines and wearing her stupid banana jumpsuit, and the female fighter is some random chick named Aska that can use her ass as a weapon (And in the Japan version she has a thong). Both versions is also the first time outside of comic books that Karai has appeared, so it does have some significance in Turtles history. I do have vague recollections of both games but only remember any of my immediate family having a better time beating through the SNES version, because if I recall the Genesis version’s AI is kind of cheap. Still I don’t think these are the best fighters out there, while there are worse, I would recommend a “Street Fighter” over a “Ninja Turtles.” This also released on the NES but I never played it.

Briefs on games I haven’t played:

-Konami’s “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” 2K3 Games: I had some hopes for them because it’s made by Konami who made the best Turtles games and they are beat-em-ups, but they look even more tedious than the old-school games.  Cel-shaded graphics and the vocal talents of the cartoon, as well as four-player simultaneous play on the second and third installments do not entice me to repetitive gameplay.  The second and third games as bonus material also contain butchered versions of the first Turtles arcade game, and “Turtles In Time” respectively.  Now that they are both will be availiable XBLA there is little reason to purchase these games.  Oh and they also tried to make a fighting game in the form of “Mutant Melee” but that got panned worse than the beat-em-ups.

-Ubisoft’s “TMNT” movie tie-in: AKA “The Turtles of Persia.”  The concept is sound, a Prince of Persia like platformer involving the Ninja Turtles but the execution I hear is a lot to be desired, it’s just too damn easy from what I hear.  You can’t really die in it, it’s very linear looking, the platforming and action segments are very separate from each other, and you can’t play more than one Turtle on the screen at the same time.  It also contains some of the easiest achievements to get, only beaten by “Avatar: The Burning Earth” in which you can get all of the achievements in the first five minutes (I’m not kidding).  The best version from what I hear, surprisingly enough is the GBA version which plays like an old-school beat-em-up in the vein of the old Konami games… except One player, and you don’t get all the Turtles from the beginning.  Still there hasn’t been much incentive to make me want to play the console games.

-Coming Soon “TMNT Smash Up”: It basically looks like Brawl with a health meter and the Turtles, it’s from some of the same developers but it also looks like it has a less diverse moveset.  I’ll make better judgment when it comes out this summer.

NEXT TIME: The toys.

Rant to be continued…

“Stupid banana coat wearing bitch.” – James Rolfe again after April tells the Turtles “You have my support.”