Now some of you (read: three people) might be curious as to why there's been a bit of a relaxation in the blogs. Well, I started work again, so I have to do this when time permits. Also, I thought I'd relax for a little bit before a) I tire of doing this and b) you tire of me doing this. But now, something so hideous, so jaw-droppingly awful has woken me from my slumber. I am, of course, talking about the new Disaster Movie trailer.

Disaster Movie (I've already used the joke in the title, unfortunately) is the new movie from director-writers plagarists Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, the Hitler and Osama bin Laden of the movie industry. Every year, for the last several years, they have been terrorising moviegoers with their "spoof" movies. They were 2 of the 6 writers of Scary Movie (who says too many cooks spoil the broth, hmm?), and judging from the their "spoofs" they were the ones who came up with all the bad jokes. And presumably the poster, which is actually a parody of the Knocked Up teaser, will remind you of their "humour".

What makes the pair amazing is their lack of understanding of the "spoof" genre. This was apparent even before they joined the Scary Movie writing room, as before that they wrote Spy Hard. Yes, they have been stealing other people's ideas under the pretense of a "spoof" for over 10 years now. Spy Hard had a "spoof" (I'm avoiding using the word 'parody' lest that might imply some degree of intelligence and wit) of Home Alone. Yes, because Home Alone is something you can put a funny spin on. Oh, wait. I thought the whole idea of a "spoof" was the fact that you took a funny spin on a serious and pretentious movie/genre. Doing it on things that are comedies already kind of goes past the point. Just a bit. But, nope, the undynamic duo went on to do Date Movie, which was a parody of romantic comedies. I know romantic comedies aren't very funny, but its still a comedy. You can't do a funny take on a comedy. That said, perhaps Date Movie, is probably the best of the sorry bunch becuase at least the title fit. From then on, we've had Snakes on a Plane and MTV Cribs posing as "epic" and somehow American Idol, Happy Feet, Casino Royale and Brit-Fed found their way into a parody of 300, which basically said "look how gay this all is", without realising that not only did the audience know this, but also that 300 was so damn stupid that was its own parody at the same time.

(I nearly mentioned Sports Movie, until I realising that's a re-titling of The Comebacks for the UK. That says something, I think...)

Now you may have noted, or indeed started getting pissed off at, the fact that I have been using the word "spoof" in quotation marks. This is because I don't consider these to be real spoofs. Real spoofs would be Airplane!, The Naked Gun, Hot Shots or even as recently as the underrated Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. These take genres that are ripe for a good kicking and really hit the nail on the head, often with hilarious results. Good spoofs can be very powerful - Airplane! pretty much delivered the knock-out punch to the spluttering disaster genre. So to see this assault on the genre makes me want to do a Bart Simpson and put Seltzer and Friedberg on the FBI Most Wanted list, alongside Milhouse. These are just references to popular things at the time of release. There's no punchline. There's no satire or comment. It's a big difference.

In fact, Airplane! brings me nicely to Disaster Movie. Which could be a more descriptive title than The Asssassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Yes, the pair are going where others have gone before and still screw up. These could be the most untalented people in Hollywood. In a fair world, they might be doing poor quality stand-up, with hecklers throwing beer bottles into their faces, the glass shattering on impact and... sorry, I lost my train of thought there. So, anyway, because it might entertaining to see me moan (which I have now already for 700 words), let's go step by step through the trailer.

First of all, the film is distributed by Lionsgate. "So, what?" you think. Well, their last spoofs were distributed by Fox. And I consider Fox to be the worst Hollywood studio running at moment. What does that say? I get the feeling even Fox were ashamed since they left their logo off Epic Movie publicity. Hopefully, this will mean one step closer to DTV hell they so rightly deserve.

The trailer does actually start off by being a disaster parody with a meteor coming to Earth, and the titles imitating those found in the War of the Worlds trailer (I feel so said for knowing this). This, folks, is the closest you'll get to a disaster movie parody in the trailer. The posters were more about disaster than this. Also, War of the Worlds? Wow, how late is that? Wasn't that already done in Scary Movie 4? (one of the posters parodies The Day After Tomorrow. The same applies)

Now the bad stuff truly begins. We have a man in the cheapest Iron Man suit imaginable proclaiming "I am Iron Man!" Don't give me the excuse that Marvel wouldn't let them use the costume - they can still make something better than this. Still, in a fraction of the time it took for you to read this, we get to see the "joke". A fake cow drops on him. The heck? Oh, yeah, I forgot. Iron Man would still be in production while this film was made, so they probably just saw the first trailer or stills and just added it for topicality. This will be a recurring pattern in the trailer, as you will see. In fact, the effect of him getting squashed is quite possibly the worst special effect I've ever seen. It just squashes an image of the guy in the suit. You can even see a really squashed image of Iron Man under the cow. Can they not even afford the cheap dummies like they did before?

"From the guys who've seen way too many movies"? Jesus, did they just imply they were me? Not only is it a bad line taken from the Hot Fuzz trailer, but I also seriously doubt they've seen half the films featured here. Mostly becuase they haven't come out yet. Unless the pair found some sort of time machine. In which case, they're still doing a terrible job.

A Hannah Montana joke? That's related to disaster because..? She promotes her album. And that's funny because..? They could have mocked her clean image, but that would require intelligence.

The Incredible Hulk appears. Which just about qualifies, I guess. His pants rip off. Oh, you clever writers, I never would have dreamed that you would have gone for such a predictable joke. Actually, I should be advised to avoid sarcasm, lest they think I'm being serious. Again, not a film that was out when they made this. Also, you can clearly see he's wearing green shorts underneath. They really are trying to make the worst movie ever made. Move over, Manos: The Hands of Fate.

Then we have the definetly-not-a-disaster-movie Enchanted, where the princess is run down by a car. You'll find that the tried and tested formula for these movies is to do violent things with no logic or sense. Or humour. The only thing this "gag" made me do is wonder how great it would be if I squashed Friedberg and Seltzer under some car tires.

Then we have Hancock. Goodness sake. The movie isn't even out now, let alone when they "wrote" this. Looks like they watched the trailer, judging from the fact that bench is exactly the same as the one in the trailer. Hancock crashes into a lamp post and crashes back down. Actually, that bench might be a lucky guess, since if they had watched the trailer, they'd see that Hancock can crash into everything and destroy it. But who cares about accuracy?

Then the title card turns into Sex and the City. Oh, God, no. Actually, you could use this to make comment on the hopeless consumerism of Sex and the City, but the gag here is that Sarah Jessica Parker's character is played by a man. Not that funny. What would be funnier is that the character was a horse with a wig on it. Actually, they probably did that but the horse kicked Seltzer in the balls with it's hind legs like a donkey.

And then it gets worse. Becaue we then add to this scene everyone's favourite over-rated independent movie, Juno. You could make a comment on how the people in that movie speak like the bastard sons of MySpace and Dr. Seuss, but we won't be seeing that either. Oh, and did I mention that neither of these are dis- Ah, forget it. The writers clearly did.

And then, just to seal in the terror, they add a third ingredient into this horrifying triple threat. They steal from You Don't Mess with the Zohan. The kicking gag wasn't that funny the first time, but here they somehow found a way of making Adam Sandler seem like Charlie Chaplin. (which is probably the first, and last, time that comparison will be made) Juno then - I can't believe I am writing this - uses her baby's foot to kick not-Sarah Jessica Parker. Wow, this really is the anti-funny. Did the foot come out of the belly button or something? This makes Juno look like an Oscar winner. Oh, wait.

This is also the second offering from the pair this year after the abysmal Meet the Spartans. Please don't go. Do not give these people your money. There needs to be a stand made about this. I want everyone to somehow overcome the joint lobotomy they had that made them pay to see these films and see something good. Or just about anything else. Hell, stay home. Go on YouTube, there will probably be funnier parodies there. Or maybe even stay on this website, where you'll get more laughs for free.