Greetings, and welcome back, to Part 2 of our countdown of the Top 11 consoles that, for some reason or another, just weren't big names. If you missed it, go read Part 1, where we count down the 5 consoles that could have made it into the big leagues, if they had just been handled a little better.
This time around, we're counting down the 5 consoles that just plain sucked. Either because they were poorly designed, or because the company who made it screwed the pooch so hard there was nothing for it but to put a bullet in the pooch's head. We also cap our list off with one console that was such an oddity, that you could really go either way with it. Once again, as he was in Part 1, Chip joins me to add his knowledge to my own. Say hello to our readers, Chip.
Hello to o-
So help me God, if you make that joke one more time, I will slap you stupid!
...Hey everybody.
Right, now that that's out of the way, Let the Great Unpleasantness begin!
5 CONSOLES THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN.
5. SEGA 32X
Though the two year headstart the Genesis had on the Super Nintendo did wonders for Sega in the beginning, when the Super Nintendo came out, it had both superior graphics and sound, not to mention most of the big name third party titles. Sega realized that in order to surpass the competition, they were going to have to step forward in technology. After the Sega CD had a somewhat...mixed reception, Sega decided to try and up the ante even more with the 32x. But a minimal graphics boost, scarcity in stores, and a lousy selection of games meant the end of Sega's hardware add-on days.
Part of the reason the games selection was so lousy was that the 32x actually had its own internal CPU that was designed to work in tandem with the Genesis CPU, which made programming games for it EXTRAORDINARILY difficult. It also had a high price at launch ($170, to be exact), and wasn't well distributed. Rumors that it could also fuck up your Genesis didn't help any.
To be honest, we had to make a tough call here. It was either this, or the Sega CD, but what saved the CD was that it actually HAD some pretty solid games on there, like the Lunar duology, and a high quality port of PC classic Rebel Assault.
Another issue was the fact that soon after the launch of the 32x, Sega announced the Saturn. People who had shelled out money for the 32x felt cheated and betrayed. Really, it was at this point that Sega began its slow decline out of the hardware business.
This will be the last time sega shows up on this list, we promise.
4 Atari Jaguar.
Released soon after the Super Nintendo, the Jaguar was touted as the first 64-bit system on the market, when it actually only had a 32-bit processor along with some high end graphical accelerator's. Atari told gamers to "Do the Math", but a glut of awful games, and a controller that gamers could barely wrap their heads around (let alone their hands) meant that the Jaguar was the final console produced by Atari.
The big problem with the Jaguar was that it gave the industry the ability to drive while we were still learning to walk. Like the SegaCd, the technology was just too new for anyone to know what the hell to do with it. This led to a lot of terrible games that tried desperately to push the envelope, but failed miserably. Though, props given where props due: Alien vs. Predator kicked ass.
The controller was also a godawful mess. I mean, just LOOK AT IT! Is that a controller or a TELEPHONE?!
And now they use the Jaguar casings to make dental cameras. I shit you not. Also, there's a large homebrew community for the Jaguar still at large today. What is it with the "games are art" crowd and failed consoles, anyway?
3. The Phantom
No actual Phantom consoles are known to exist, so we had to use a CG rendering from magazine advertisements. The Phantom, designed by Infinium Labs, was supposed to bridge the gap between PC gaming and consoles.
You know, I have a hard time understanding why this one never got out. I mean, sure, games would be released in a direct download "pay to play" basis, and the press for it was so full of buzzwords and double talk that politicians would be jealous, there was no third party support, and the fact that almost no actual GAMERS even heard of it didn't help, but I still don't get why this one didn't just take off.
You've got to be kidding........
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
2. The R-zone.
Released in 1995, the R-zone was supposed to Tiger's entry into the "virtual reality" segment of gaming. The initial offering was a handheld unit, but Tiger decided to up the ante by producing a headset (shown above) that would actually project the game screen onto the user's eye. But even with licenses like Star Wars and Virtua Fighter, the meager games library, and archaic graphics (which were just red versions of the tiger LCD games) made the R-zone short lived.
GODDAMN R-ZONE!!!! WHY THE HELL DID YOU EVEN EXIST?!?!
Excuse my friend, for the moment, he was unfortunate enough to have been given an R-zone as a christmas gift in '96.
The chief problem with the R-zone was that it was really just a console for the LCD games Tiger had been famous for up to that point. Tiger didn't really know what they were doing, and it showed. And really, who thought it would be a good idea to project the screen image onto somebody's eyeball? I can only imagine it being similar to having a laser pointer in your eye for hours on end.
It wasn't even a goddamn video game console, it was a glorified toy! Even at the innocent age of 10, I knew what I was getting shit for christmas when I opened this package.
Still, Tiger can't be COMPLETELY to blame, since really, they were trying to cash in on the PREDICTED success of our final entry, which I'm pretty sure you all saw coming.....
1. Virtual Boy.
Released in July of 1995, the Virtual Boy was advertised as the future of portable gaming, touting REAL 3D graphics and faster processing than any other system on the market, THIS was supposed to take the place of the Gameboy. But poor advertising, an all red color pallete, a library of about a dozen games (all but one of which were terrible), and the possibility of making you go BLIND made this the one big mistake Nintendo made in the console business. (Wii haters in the back, please sit down.)
I have to confess, when I first saw one of these in a display kiosk at Toys R Us, i wanted one BADLY. Thankfully, my parents were smart enough to buy me a Super Nintendo instead.
We know that nintendo puts safety messages in front of all their games now, but when they put the warning labels on the Virtual Boy, they MEANT something! This sucker could inflict killer migraines at best, and at worst, even damage your vision. Add to that only a few of the 13 games made for it actually took advantage of the 3d technology and the fact that it was IMPOSSIBLE to use this thing and still maintain your dignity made this the big black mark on Nintendo's then spotless record.
The Virtual Boy is also cited as the system that killed Gunpei Yokoi, who designed the Game Boy and created the Metroid Series. Nintendo took such a bath on the Virtual Boy, they "politely" asked Yokoi to leave the company, and he was killed in a tragic car accident about a year later. Oh, to think, what Metroid games today would be like had he but lived to make them.
Also, the fact that you wanted this thing removes any right you have to make fun of me for having an R-zone.
pfft. Nertz to that. Well, anyway, now that we have left behind these tales of tragedy, we now present our final entry. We shall present the good, and the bad, and let you make up your own mind: Could this console have been a hit if it had been handled better, or was it so far gone that even God himself had no faith in it?
Ladies, and Gentlemen, boys and girls, we present to you, for your consideration......
THE GIZMONDO
Designed by Tiger Telematics (not to be confused with Tiger Electronics, the people responsible for the R-zone), the Gizmondo was supposed to be the first all in one digital media machine. It able to play games, take digital pictures, store and play MP3's and video, had a built in GPS, had nearly unequaled portability (I mean, look at the picture above!) and could even send and receive email and instant messaging. It was the PERFECT PACKAGE!......
Until you realize it had almost nonexistent battery life, and the basic version of the console forced you to watch COMMERCIALS in the midst of your gaming. I can't even stand the ads in movie theaters, why should I tolerate them in games. Add to that, the games library was.....unique, to put it charitable. With games like Momma, Can I mow the Lawn and Sticky Balls, its hard for me to see this thing becoming a major success. Add to that, there were rumors that Gizmondo exec Stefan Eriksson was part of the Swedish mafia (how the fuck does Sweden have a mafia?) and you have a package that never really stood a chance.
Good points all, but also don't forget that there were a fair few games in development that would have done some rather unique things with game design, including some that would make good use of the built in camera. And, once again, there's a large homebrew community for the Gizmondo, along with hobby sited dedicated SOLELY to repairing and maintaining the console. We dug up this video that pretty much sums up the case in favor of the Gizmondo.
Yes, yes, wonderful. But, we live in a democratic society, so I will now present the evidence AGAINST.
You be the judge.
And that concludes our list of the Top 11 Consoles That Almost Were! We hope you've enjoyed our foray into days gone by to reminisce on what might have been, and what we're glad never was! Thanks to Chip for coming on to help with this article! Depending on how this style is received, I might bring him back for other lists of this variety!
Glad to be of service!
And with that, we bid you farewell for now! Come back Friday when I fly solo again with our Halloween Horror Fest in the Hall of Fame with Clive Barker's Undying!
Also remember, today and tomorrow are the last days you'll be able to vote on the Reader's Choice columns for the horror fest! Send an email, leave a comment, post in the forums, leave a PM, just make your voice heard!
once again... written by japlandweirdling , October 07, 2008
fair list, considering i was merely a wee slip of a lad when most of these consoles were released..well at least the Genesis 1.5, the Atari auto dial system and the 2 "OW FUCK MY CORNEAS" "virtual". i think these are all consoles where the companies behind them shot a little ahead of them selves, and now would prefer to have everyone forget about these misdemeanors. and also, at the end of the first Gizmondo video, did the repair shop plug seem to be a cry for any Gizmondo owners to come out of the wood work? it is a shame about the Gizmondo...it had so much potential but the director i guess were spending their money before they got it...oh well, you guys keep up the good work peace out
report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
Cool written by decoren45 , October 07, 2008
Sadly I own about 4 of the systems listed here. I was a total nerd when I was younger. I guess I still am lol. Actually Virtual boy had one the best Wario games ever made on it. But, yeah, for the most part it just sucked and was a total waste of "my parent's" money lol
This time around, we're counting down the 5 consoles that just plain sucked. Either because they were poorly designed, or because the company who made it screwed the pooch so hard there was nothing for it but to put a bullet in the pooch's head. We also cap our list off with one console that was such an oddity, that you could really go either way with it. Once again, as he was in Part 1, Chip joins me to add his knowledge to my own. Say hello to our readers, Chip.
Hello to o-
So help me God, if you make that joke one more time, I will slap you stupid!
...Hey everybody.
To be honest, we had to make a tough call here. It was either this, or the Sega CD, but what saved the CD was that it actually HAD some pretty solid games on there, like the Lunar duology, and a high quality port of PC classic Rebel Assault. 
This will be the last time sega shows up on this list, we promise.
GODDAMN R-ZONE!!!! WHY THE HELL DID YOU EVEN EXIST?!?!
Excuse my friend, for the moment, he was unfortunate enough to have been given an R-zone as a christmas gift in '96.
Subscribe to this comment's feed
Show/Hide comments
Show/Hide comment form
peace out