In a world full of movies, Mondo Bizarro is there.  You're welcome.

fter last week's look at the worst 'VS' films, you had to realize that many were left out.  As I said, they were left out so that I could cover them here.  Here I want to look at some of the weirdest ones ever made.  These are match-ups or battles that were neither asked for nor expected.  You'll see Dracula fight a whore, teenage girls fight zombies and tiny people fight devil toys.  By the way, Dracula is all over this list- the guy is busy!  There's nothing all that normal that you're going to see in the films ahead.  Get out your crazy goggles and strap in...

12. Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl: What a way to start, huh?  This film has yet to officially be released here (it has an October release via Netflix), so it's not going to rank that high.  Based purely on name value alone, how can you not love this movie?  I mean, some girl is a vampire and kills a girl, thus leading to her being a 'Frankenstein Girl.'  I guess 'Adam Girl' was not that catchy.  Will this film live up to the hype that it's name sets? I sure as hell hope so...

11. Billy the Kid vs. Dracula: You think that it would be hard to be a creature that is killed by sunlight and go to an area known for it's sun, right?  This movie was made by William "One-Shot" Beaudine, which should be all that you need to know.  John Carradine plays 'Dracula' here, although he's never billed or addressed as such- since they'd have to pay licensing rights to Universal if they did!  This movie is a dud, but does feature an hilarious and anti-climactic ending.  Look it up on YouTube- it's great!

10. Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster: Since Godzilla was on the worst list, it's only fitting that he's on this one too!  Hedorah aka The Smog Monster was created from, well, trash in the Tokyo Bay.  His name comes from his ability to emit stinky smoke.  The best part is that this thing has three forms: swimming, walking and flying.  Are you a monster or a Decepticon?  Bonus points go to Godzilla using his famous 'tail flight' to catch and defeat the monster.  Through in a preachy message, some gooey deaths and a kid playing with a Godzilla toy & you've got something weird!

9 Dollman vs. Demonic Toys: This Full Moon film does far better than its follow-up.  The film combines three films: Dollman, Demonic Toys and Bad Channels.  Mind you, all three of them only had one film at the time- weird!  This 75 minute film is padded to the brim, allowing for all three of its leads to give their back-stories in movie clip format.  On the plus side, this saves me from watching all three of the films!  If you ever wanted to see an alien from a planet full of inch-high people team up with a waitress that was shrunk by aliens against evil toys seeking to grow some balls, this is your film!

8. Wiseguys vs. Zombies/Zombie vs. Ninja: For those of you who say that I pick on The Asylum a lot, here's a Troma film!  The first film is a bad comedy film full of silly gore.  Basically, it's every Troma film ever. The other film is by Godfrey Ho and tells the tale of a man who learns kung-fu to take out some ninjas.  Apparently, the zombies come in when he needs someone to practice on.  Well, I've heard less logical reasoning in Godfrey Ho films!

7. Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. the Undead: I love this movie, but it's weird as hell!  An evil scientist unleashes a zombie plague in a high school.  Why?  To get back one of this former agents who has hidden out there, of course!  The title comes from the girl's attempts to unite the swim team against the zombies, since the chlorine in the pool makes them immune to the virus.  No, really.  The actual face-off: about three minutes of action that ends in a bloody manner.  If you like the absurd, you owe it to yourselves to watch this movie.  The ending alone is worth it!

6. Santo and Blue Demon vs. The Monsters: Mexican wrestling God El Santo (R.I.P.) has a whole slew of films- here's one.  This film teams up the two wrestlers to battle a whole slew of crazy monsters.  The group includes Dracula, the Wolfman, a Mummy, a Cyclops monster, Frankenstein's Adam and a Golem.  I bet you don't see that every day, do you?  You owe it to yourself to look into the El Santo/Blue Demon library, which includes Santo vs. The Vampire Women, Blue Demon vs. Satanic Power & Santo and Blue Demon vs. Dracula and the Wolfman.

5. Dahmer vs. Gacy: This low-budget film was promised to be sent to me as a screener copy- what gives?  While the movie is apparently a comedy, it still boggles my mind.  Apparently, a scientist clones both Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy, only for both of them to escape and start killing again.  In a play on Team Jacob vs. Team Edward, the pair have rival fans that bet on who will 'win.'  News flash: they're going to kill you whether you wear a shirt or not!  Having Harland Williams as the voice of God really just seals the deal for me.

4. Wong Fei Hung vs. the Kung-Fu Panda: If you can ever get a hold of this film dubbed into English, let me know!  In China, copyright laws work differently, so a person like Tsui Hark can oversee a film like this.  As part of of the film category that contains The Littler Cars and Ratatoing, the movie is a blatant copyright violation and features cartoon effects that are surely not up to par.  Good luck ever finding this movie in America, guys!

3. Emmanuelle vs. Dracula/The Killer Barbys vs. Dracula: The Count gets two more chances at redemption here.  The first film is a direct-to-video film that really bears no mention.  If I wanted to see Dracula and Emmanuelle in a film together, I'd watch The Dragon Lives Again.  The other film is a Jesus Franco film.  That's really all I need to say, right?  By the way, The Killer Barbies is a Spanish Punk Rock band.  Why did they get two movies by Franco?  Either he's a big fan or they sold him some good pot, I guess.

2. Lady Chatterley vs. Fanny Hill: I can't make this shit up if I tried!  The movie features the two Feminist non-icons in a competition to see who can be the biggest whore.  No, really.  The challenge involves seducing two people beyond seduction- a gay man and a priest.  Yes, they are two different people!  The whole thing is just ridiculous, even by the standards set by the British sex comedy genre.

1. Aztec Mummy vs. the Human Robot: This movie hurts so bad...but yet I must talk about it.  As the fourth film in the Aztec Mummy series (which later included Blue Demon vs. the Aztec Mummy and The Wrestling Women vs. The Aztec Mummy), this film mostly recaps the first three films.  Seriously, half of it (about forty-five minutes) is the lead telling the events of the past films- to people that were there!  Finally, the plot arrives with a villain who wears a suit, a cape and a wrestling mask.  He builds the titular robot to beat the mummy and get a treasure.  It sucks.

I need to give a quick shout-out to the more obvious choices here that didn't make the cut: Bruce Lee vs. Gay Power, and Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.  Plus, recent releases like Aliens vs. Ninjas and Romeo and Juliet vs. The Undead.  Next list, guys!

For more film commentary like this, check out my blog.  It's Fergie-liscious.

Up next, I take a look at some of the strangest films to ever rip-off Mad Max.  Feel my wrath, 1980s Italian cinema!  Stay tuned...