Asylum films set a new standard for bad.  After the previous Top 12 on them, I've managed to sit through another dozen of them.  Don't ask me why- I just did.  So how can they top films like Monster and The 9/11 Commission Report?  Well, they can't quite, but these are still pretty bad.  In this collection, we have recent films and ones that go back as far as 2005.  This is like some sort of time machine!  You'll get movies about whales, movies about mummies and movies featuring Iron Chef: America hosts.  It will be like nothing you've ever seen...provided that you didn't watch the films that they were ripping off when they made these ones.

12. The 7 Adventures of Sinbad: I feel like I've seen this movie as something better.  This was The Asylum film made to market off of the live-action Prince of Persia film.  No, I don't know how it relates.  The film is about Adrian Sinbad facing off with a slew of mythological creatures includes a Cyclops, snake women and a giant squid.  The film sucks, but has a bunch of unintentionally-funny moments like Sinbad facing off with a giant crab that has no eyes.  Of course, it also features a middle-aged Bo Svenson and re-uses stock footage from Monster.  For shame.

11. I Am Omega: Are you?  Are you really?  This is The Asylum's version of I Am Legend features Marc Dacascos.  Those of you who don't watch The Food Network or generic kung-fu films may want to take a minute to look that name up.  On the plus side, this movie features real zombies, as opposed to CG ones.  They couldn't actually afford CG characters, but I'll give them that movie.  The whole film is okay, but still not...oh, what's the word for it?  Oh right- good.  It's not that.

10. 2010- Moby Dick: You will believe that a whale can fly!  This modern update of the classic novel was inspired by...um, the 1998 TV movie with Gregory Peck, I guess.  The reason why this film is ranked so low on this list is because it couldn't possibly have been meant to be taken seriously.  You will see a 500-foot whale jump 100-feet out of the water.  You will see a 500-foot whale not show up on radar!  You will see a 500-foot whale jump over a small mountain!  See this movie and you'll be forever changed.  By that, of course, I mean that you'll smash your face through the TV and permanently scar yourself.

9. Princess of Mars: Well, excuse me, Princess!  Let's talk about the film based on the legend that 'inspired Avatar.'  Gee, I really thought that we would get The Last Avatar on a $500,000 budget!  The film stars Antonio Sabato, who is more recently-famous for a reality show where he has his mom help him pick a new wife.  It's still less embarrassing than being in a film where a veteran from Afghanistan goes to Mars, rides flies and learns to Super-Jump.  Seriously, that happens!

8. Legion of the Dead: Put your copyright symbol on this, Romero!  The Asylum's nod to Romero's Land of the Dead is a film about mummies that stars the guy from Gremlins, the guy from Babylon 5 and a naked lady.  Guess who I care more about seeing.  The only way that this film could have less to do with zombies if it involved a bunch of idiots filming everything.  Nobody remembers this film and that will continue to be true in 5, 4, 3, 2...

7. Alien vs. Hunter: What was I just talking about?  It's hard to find a film that's more disappointing to film fans than Alien vs. Predator, but The Asylum did it.  Their alien- a Xenomorph with a spider-torso.  Their 'hunter'- a dude dressed up like Scorpion.  The real upside is that this film paid William Katt's rent for another week.  A man's gotta eat, right?

6. The Da Vinci Treasure: You avoided a lawsuit by the skin of your teeth!  If you ever wondered what it would be like to combine The Da Vinci Code and National Treasure, this is it.  Of course, both of those films have star power, big names directing them and a major studio behind them.  This one has C. Thomas Howell, the guy from Snakes on a Train and The Asylum.  Even Lance Henriksen looks like he barely wants to be here.

5. Mega-Python vs. Gatoroid: Were you trying to top Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus?  If so, you totally failed.  The film was marketed around a simple slogan: Tiffany vs. Debbie Gibson.  Swing and a miss, fellas.  The film has all of the stupid effects, but none of the really-ridiculous scenes like the Shark attacking the plane or the Shark eating the Golden Gate Bridge.  A super-long, extended catfight between your has-been stars is not a substitute guys!

4. The Day The Earth Stopped: When time stands still, I fall asleep.  For a film that nearly got them sued by Fox, it is surprisingly-dull.  C. Thomas Howell shows an alien lady around Los Angeles in order to convince her that we should be allowed to live.  As soon as she met Howell, we were all screwed!  The film ruins the entire premise by having giant robots show up...and just stand still.  You couldn't afford giant robots that did anything other than block my view?  Lame.

3. Titanic II: Why is this not a comedy?  Out of all the premises executed by The Asylum, why is this one the one that they decided should be serious.  This movie's plot involves a chunk of iceberg breaking off and causing a giant, tidal wave.  That's not at all awkward to talk about right now.  The film wants you to take it seriously, but I was just laughing at the title.  Nice green screen effects, by the way.  Even Linkara is embarrassed for you.

2. Hillside Cannibals: Do I even need to say anything?  When you're a rip-off of a remake of a film that's only famous for being gritty, what does that say about you?  The film has no stars, no idea of what pacing is and just generally feels uncomfortable.  80% of the cast is killed off in the first ten minutes, leaving you to watch two people be molested by inbred killers.  Yeah, if I wanted to see that, I'd...why the hell would I want to see that?

1. Freakshow: Who thought that this was a good idea?  Do you know the movie Freaks?  All you cinophiles out there do, but your average DVD buyer does not.  So, naturally, The Asylum made a remake of sorts of the film...75 years after the original.  Clearly you were in no hurry!  The film is a complete bore, as nothing of interest happens for nearly an hour.  Right at the end, the movie overcompensates by having a long, extended torture scene.  You guys saw Hostel and said 'this belongs in a remake of a film from 1932!'  Clearly you need help.  Of course, I've watched over two dozen films of yours, so I'm the real guy with a problem...

As I side-note, look forward to another Top 12 list about Asylum films.  Just wait until I get drunk enough to watch more.

For more Asylum reviews, go to my blog.  It's not a rip-off of the film of the same name.

Up next, I cover the best of the worst of Direct-to-DVD Sequels.  No stars were involved in the making of these films.  Stay tuned...