Johnny User's Mother's Guide to...Human Interaction
Hey, everyone. I have a special guest for my...this thing: my mother! She discovered I write a blog and I couldn't be more thrilled. When she asked if she could write an entry, I asked why she wanted to. So she demanded to know why I had to question everything and rather than get into a big thing, I said 'sure, fine, fuck it, go for it'. Which is good because writing my reaction assures I never have to do an entry on how to get along with parents.
And now, without further ado and dread, my mother.
Hello. I'm Johnathan's mother, Judy Userowski. Talking to people can be a wonderful way to make friends, grow personally and be brutally murdered instantly. Yes, its a fact of life. 90% of every act of violence is done by someone the victim knows and trusts. And 50% of them are committed by black people. I'm just telling you what I heard. So the best thing to do is to just never talk to them. Always be on guard. And definitely never let one in to your house.
But I know that sometimes its unavoidable. You have to talk to police when they pull you over. You have to talk to people interviewing you for a job. You have to talk to your mother more than twice a week, Johnathan! What do you do when interaction is your only option? These things.
One-Never go into another person's house. Did you know 73% of all people have holes in their basements like the guy in Silence of the Lambs? Thats what I heard. Is that how you want to end up? Trapped in someone's basement, covered in lotion, your mother worrying about you? Is it, Johnathan, I don't know. You never tell me anything about yourself. Why won't you talk to me? For the rest of my boy's readers, listen to me, I know what the person I heard that from is talking about. Entering a house that isn't yours is a one-way ticket to a shallow grave by a sewage treatment place where nobody will ever find you. And never, ever go in to a black person's apartment! They all have shovels for burying their crack and smack and goofballs when the police come. They'll use them on you and then when they drive away from the lake they threw you in, they'll play their Doctor Snoopy Doggy Jazzy Dog so loud it shakes people's windows.
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