Today's film is…..interesting….now when I say that, I mean it's interesting for its creators, puppet-masters Jim Henson, the man who created and controlled the puppets for the classic television shows "Sesame Street" and "The Muppets", and Frank Oz, the man who is famously acknowledged for controlling and voicing Yoda from the Star Wars movies (minus episodes 2,3,4 but he still provided his voice for Yoda for 2 and 3). Now this film is, on a technical level, very creative and ingenious, but from an audience perspective, the movie…doesn't. So, without further ado; "The Dark Crystal".
Our story begins with a confusing opening of this magical race of vulture mutants called the Skeksis (try saying that 3 times really fast) trying to pick out a new emperor since after a thousand years since this shard from a purple crystal broke off, their usual assholish behavior gives them no comfort since there are only 10 of them (do I honestly give a shit?). While this is happening, another group of weird 4 armed yak creatures called Mystics are, here's a shocker, having no joy from doing their usual magical rituals since their ruler is, coincidentally, also dying, so they just moan aloud since there is only 10 of them (I will admit, I happened to yawn with them, who wouldn't? Also, doesn't anyone in this world know how to reproduce? Is it so hard to create more of their kind? Or are all the females from both sides gone? Or is it like "Children of Men" where males are unable to reproduce? Whatever, I'm thinking too deeply into this subject matter…). This transitions to a garden where we meet Jen, the last Gelfling of his kind since the Skeksis killed them all (perhaps they killed them so they wouldn't feel as ugly compared to them, I really don't know, some bullshit about a prophecy about fixing the purple crystal but the Skeksis don't want that or whatever, I really have no idea and I really don't care) and, what a surprise, his master is ALSO dying and blowing into his flute brings him no joy, Jesus, I'm barely 2 minutes into this and I already don't give a shit!
If you're still with me, Jen is told by his dying master that he is the "prophesized one" and that the Skeksies killed his parents (do I honestly care? They already explained this to us, just get on with it!) And he has to save the world. To do so he has to find, get this, the shard of the purple crystal that is in Skeksis territory and put it back before this whole '3 suns meet' or else the Skeksis will rule forever (Again, why should I give an honest crap? At this point we haven't seen anything bad or evil that they've done, why should we have any reason to hate them? The only major crime I can give them is for being really f***ing ugly as sin. Another thing, if there are only 10 of them left, you don't think anyone wouldn't be too worried about this since they don't look like they have a lot of life left in them anyway. I apologize, back to this review…) the Mystic master gives him directions to find this Aughra and then he dies ("there is…an-noth-ther….s-Sky…walk…er….." hey, every time a puppet dies in a movie, I automatically think of that. But here, why wouldn't you? He literally disappears and leaves his blanket behind, remind you of another movie with a dying wise puppet? Perhaps Frank Oz couldn't get Star Wars off his mind? Who knows?) Speaking of dying, the emperor of the Skeksis dies (but not before he does this overly dramatic death rattle and he turns to shards of dirt clods), all while this one Skeksis called the Chamberlin does this incredibly annoying "whoohmmm" sound constantly.
As Jen goes on his quest, the Skeksies argue amongst themselves who will rule as they have a "Trial by Stone" where this rock comes out of the floor and there are these two swords attached to them (oh I see, they have to fight to the death to figure out who will be in control, right?) well, no, instead they use these swords to, get this, HIT THE STUPID ROCK HARD ENOUGH. (I'm sorry but THIS is truly baffling, why?! You have two fucking swords! What is wrong with using them to KILL each other with?! That's what swords were made for! Who came about and said, "Hey! Instead of having a fight to the death, how about we have to idiots take swords and hit a rock hard enough with it! That'll solve all our problems!" whoever thought of that was not right in the head…) well, thankfully the annoying "whoohmmm" Skeksis doesn't win but sadly they decide to strip him naked and have him banished (you have a sword in your hand; is killing him so big a problem? You're in control now; you do whatever you fucking want dammit! {Bangs head repeatedly on the desk} GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!). But after a short initiation ceremony, the purple Crystal makes a weird noise and shows them that a Gelfling (Jen) is still alive so the new emperor sends out these really odd giant tick/crab mutants called "Garthim" ("Party on Wayne!") to kill Jen.
Meanwhile, Jen climbs a mountain; seeing some sea urchins that roll around like squeeze balls, he quips the line "This is weird." (Oh, I'm sorry, this is weird? THIS is WEIRD?! You lived a majority of your life with strange yak creatures with 4 arms that do this weird humming sound most of your life and THIS is what you consider WEIRD?!?!?!?!!? What do you consider normal? A blue whale with an elephant nose, reindeer antlers, cheetah spots, 6 tires attached to its side and 27 goldfishes on leashes attached all around its body as it swims backwards while it gets an abortion from Jay Leno and Sarah Palin brushes the whale's teeth with the head of William Shatner? IS THAT NORMAL ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?!?!?!?! I'm only 0:22:24 into the movie and I'm getting close to cracking!) but he gets picked up by some tentacles (thankfully no tentacle rape, but of course if that did happen, that would beNORMAL to Jen) and he meets Aughra, who looks like the corpse of B Arthur if she held her breath and turned purple and also got her lower torso chopped off. She takes him inside her large place that has that bizarre spinning thing from the Tomb Raider movie (around this time, Jen is starting to look an awful lot like Elijah Wood, it almost looks like a before and after photo, but of course, that's NORMAL to Jen) as she explains that she was there 1,000 years ago when the Skeksis appeared, the purple crystal cracked and she tells him that it will occur again (yeah, we already know that, you dumb bitch!) but this time this "Great Conjunction" will be the end of the world or the beginning of the world (a thousand year old B Arthur doesn't know; somebody shoot me…) she also tells him that with the crystal shard, he must heal the purple crystal, after giving him a bunch of different crystals, he manages to pick out the one by blowing on his flute (oh, I see, it's like in the Orchirna of Time, Link has to play certain songs to make magical stuff happen, I get it now. I think I can see where Nintendo got the idea…).
But things take a turn for the worst as the Garthim ("Schwing!") break into her house and blow it up, but luckily, Jen makes his escape (lucky for him he didn't drop that crystal shard while he escaped, that would really suck if he did) as he runs into a strange forest, unaware of being followed by the "whoohmmm" Skeksis. While Jen wanders around in the forest, he meets a furball who likes to shit around and screech from holes and another Gelfling who reminds me of that wood elf lady from "Hellboy II: The Golden Army" (I pray to God there's no Barry Manilow music playing anytime soon…) and speaking of Hellboy references, the instant these two Gelflings touch each other's hands (through what they call 'dreamfasting' which sounds more ridiculous than mind-melding, but that is, of course, perfectly NORMALfor Jen) they read each other's memories as we learn that the female Gelfling named Kira whose parents were also killed by the Garthim ("Yeah and monkeys might fly out my butt!") and she lives in the forest, talking with a creature that looks like a rejected Mothra caterpillar and a furball named Fizzgig (which is a ridiculous name so just for memories' sake; let's call him 'Biscuit').
Since we haven't seen the vulture mutants for a while, we cut to a scene with them eating and I swear, I've never been more repulsed by a dinner scene in a movie since "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" (but watching this scene, I wouldn't mind eating an eyeball soup or one of their feathery wind up mouse toys right about now). Then the purple B Arthur is brought before them and they realize Jen is still alive and they send out crystal bats to go after him (in a scene that looks an awful lot like the flying monkeys from "Wizard of Oz" but we're not gonna try to go that far). After they shoot down a crystal bat thinking they're safe but it records them anyway (insert a "Simpsons" Nelson "Haw Haw!" here) they meet the Podlings who adopted Kira (for some strange reason, they look like rejected Strawberry Shortcake dolls [nevertheless though, they way they look, you can definitely say they're Jim Henson Puppets] ) As we get a long and drawn out banquet scene while they try to throw in information WE ALREADY KNOW ABOUT SO WE DON'T GIVE AN HONEST SHIT ABOUT!!!
But thank heavenly God, they get busted by the Garthim ("Hey Mr. Doughnut Head Man, who's trying to kill you? I dunno but they better not.") barge in to remind the movie that there's a plot as our two Gelflings escape, thanks to the annoying "whoohmmm" Skeksis as the Strawberry Shortcake rejects get kidnapped and possibly taken to the palace of the Skeksies (there's a shot of them opening a door to the their cage but they don't show much effort to actually escape, the hell is up with that?). The archeologist in Jen emerges when they come across some ruins that he comes to the conclusion that they were made by Gelflings (because that's totally not a rip off of another movie involving a strange person who knows nothing about his own past and he finds ruins that explains it for him, okay, okay nevermind…) and they happen to come across this etching in the of 'words that stay' (as Jen calls it, writing. Thanks for speaking the obvious dumbass) as he has to (once again) explain to the audience something we already knew about long before they got to this point; he is the chosen one to take the shard of the Dark Crystal and combine the two.
But then the "whoohmmm" Skeksis comes out of nowhere (which I have to say, he actually made me jump, he looks even creepier in those rags than he did nearly a half hour ago) as he claims he's a friend (because ugly as sin vulture mutants who killed off your entire species calling themselves your friends is oh so perfectly NORMAL for Jen). Kira suspects it's a trap but Jen smartly makes a run for it to escape the annoying Skeksis constantly saying "please" IN THAT DAMN ANNOYING VOICE!!!!! As they hitch a ride on these creepy yet pretty cool-looking creatures called "land-striders" as Kira just COINCIDENTALLY knows the way to the Dark Crystal and can call them in this really freaky language (the language thing I can buy since she explains that the Strawberry Shortcake rejects taught her but I find it hard to grasp how she just so HAPPENS to know where the castle is…). As they ride off, the Skeksies takes the captured Podlings, straps them into these chairs and sucks out their life-essence to make them slaves for the Skeksies and to make the emperor young temporarily (hmm, sounds the like the Tea Party and its biggest supporter, Sarah Palin {audience boos angrily but I beam and wave to the crowd taking in the angry booing})
Our heroes make it to the castle but run into the Garthim again ("Agh! Agh! That's not good, I'm not happy! Oh no! REE! REE! REE! REE!") but they manage to free some Strawberry Shortcake rejects and escape by, jumping into an canyon below the castle and she grows wings helping them make an escape?! (….{sits there with a wide open mouth for a moment as I mouth out the nonsense of the whole 'wings' as I get out of the chair and go into a fit of raging critical spasm and go crazy yelling before I finally fall on my chair panting} so…let me try to figure this out…you're telling me she had wings all along? You mean she could have flown him to the castle anytime she wanted to and yet she waited until NOW TO TELL JEN?!?!?!?!!? YOU- YOU- YOU STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, BITCH!!!! AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
If you've managed to accept that CONVENIENT plot device, our heroes find a way inside but they sadly run into I wanna be your friend by never shutting the hell up Skeksis when Jen stabs his hand with the crystal shard, causing one of the migrating Mystics to start bleeding from his hand as well (Mystic: "what the hell? Is it my time of the month?"). But the pissed off Skeksis traps Jen in the cave and drags Kira to the emperor, ordering her to have her essence sucked out and then to kill her (Oh dear God! They're gonna make her read "Breaking Dawn" and then make her watch Justin Bieber perform! AGH!!!!!!!!) But luckily for Jen, being crushed by rocks doesn't necessarily mean death (lucky he had that Mushroom from Super Mario Brothers) as he manages to get Kira to resist Bieber's evil crappy dancing and she uses her animal talking-powers to call for the animals to free themselves ("Viva Revolutione`!") and they push the Skeksis into a lava pit, though at the cost that one of the Mystics outside explodes into fire (he must have been a drummer for Spinal Tap. Too bad he was only two days away from retirement too.)
But the captured B Arthur corpse warns that the Conjunction is nigh (oh crap, another Jehovah Witness…) while Jen falls into a nest of the Garthim ("Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?") but promptly escapes thanks to their stupidity by making a hole for him to escape out of, only to hear more of B. Arthur's "End of the World" crap. The Mystics FINALLY make it to the castle (Mystic: "wait a minute, this isn't White Castle! I read the directions upside down again!") and Jen FINALLY locates the Dark Crystal but he stalls to just STARE at it just as the Skeksies notice him but he jumps on the crystal before he is caught again. Like in any movie, he drops the dumb thing as Kira flies down to get it (you have wings and yet you can't fly back UP?!?!?!?!!? Oh fuck it, the movie's almost over) as she throws the shard, only to get stabbed in the side by a Skeksis (cues "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap "mmm, what'd you saaaayyy?") as the suns join together, she shoves the shard back into the crystal, the crystal shines brightly (I cue "Blinded by the Light" by Manfred Mann's Earth Band) which doesn't seem to harm the Skeksies that much yet they run around like they just got banned from Xbox Live as the Garthim fall apart piece by piece ("We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're scum! We suck!").
The Mystics arrive at a castle crumbling down around them to do…whatever the hell they do best, hum in tune and stand in circles and have this weird stuff happen as the castle changes color and the Skeksies and the Mystics reunite into…something even uglier than the two of them anyway as the prophecy is fulfilled (and all of this is, of course, quite NORMAL for Jen). The...reject for the Disney's Haunted Mansion freak tells Jen some bullcrap about how they split themselves up years ago, blah, blah, blah, blah, just resurrect his girlfriend already you Ghostbusters extras! They do so and they leave him some Crystal of Truth as they go away forever, leaving the crystal in the hands of a Gelfling who will no doubt be selling it on Ebay.
And that's the end, THANK FRIGGIN GOD!
I mean, wow was this film beyond me. On a technical level, I praise this movie for its use of animations for the character's faces which was new at the time and for the really cool looks of some of the creatures in this movie made by the Jim Henson workshop. But from an audience perspective, the movie is a mess from the beginning, it gets messy in the middle but it finally picks up in the end right when I'm finally giving a shit. But for all my jokes and analysis, I still recommend this movie because, despite some rather creepy creatures that may bring children nightmares, it still has a great atmosphere and a fantastic look to it all that kept me engaged in the creatures but not so much as the story or the characters.
Bottom Line, if you're into Fantasy, this might be for you.
If you like Jim Henson and his creative puppetry, this is for you.
This is a movie that while it has its faults, it's worth checking out.
