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Worst war movies I ever watched

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In no particular order...

Pearl fucking Harbor: Titanic meets Michael Bay, enough said. A shit romance story with forgettable characters, a poorly written script, the historical inaccuracies, the "please step forward if you're undertaking this mission" cliche, and let's not forget that cringe-worthy scene were FDR gets up.

Tears of the Sun: Forgettable plot and a waste of time and a good $10.

Windtalkers: You make a film about the Navajo codetalkers and shove the Navajo characters to the background? Combine that with crappy effects by John Woo, the director of the fanwank Mission Impossible 2, bad lines, and cliches like the racist redneck character.

The Last Samurai: Not really a bad movie but there's nothing original about it. It's a white guy becoming part of the indigenous population and helps fight off the invaders. Doesn't help that some people think the title refers to Tom Cruise.

Enemy at the Gates: I used to like this movie but watching it again, I just find it dumb. The whole concept of the fate of Stalingrad depending on this three day sniper duel was just ridiculous. Not even the talents of Jude Law, Bob Hoskins, and Rachel Weisz could make it any better. This was essentially an American 1960's war movie set in Stalingrad. Communism is bad, m'kay?

Inglorious Basterds: I don't know what the hell Tarantino was on when he came up with this movie but it feels like I'm watching a cartoon short from the 40's.

U571: The less that's said about this history-raping travesty, the better.

Casualties of War: Yes, I know of the incidences of American brutality in Vietnam, but a whole squad of soldiers randomly kidnapping a young girl, torturing and murdering her (with the only good soldier being Michael J. Fox) was just ridiculous. You want to see a good anti-war Vietnam movie, watch Platoon or Apocalypse Now.

Black Hawk Down: This movie just seemed to glorify the violence. I honestly can't remember a single character's name or what their personalities were like. And it went to that 1960's idea of showing the enemy as cartoony, brutal savages.

Behind Enemy Lines: What in the fuck were we supposed to be watching here? The Balkan Wars ended in 1999, this was obviously set in 2000 if not 2001. A whole fucking army of Serbs can't kill one pilot yet he never misses a target. 

The Patriot: Okay, the British never rounded colonists up into churches and burned them to the ground. Shit like that was done by the Nazis. Not to mention that I really do not like the Mel Gibson War Hero formula. How he's always this good Christian family man with a shitload of kids, he's always the best strategist. I feel like I'm watching the same guy over and over again. Only one thing stops We Were Soldiers from making the list: the Sergeant Major.

Jarhead: Hey, if the Marines in Tony Swofford's sniper platoon say that he's full of shit, then he is.

Comments

  • Veran
    Veran Friday, 08 February 2013

    Pearl Harbor: It had one great scene... which was basically a car-chase but with airplanes. Bay could make a decent car-chase flick if he'd stop shaking the camera and treating the whole thing as a music video.

    War film, not so much.

    Tears of the Sun: I think I saw that one sometime, but can't really be sure.

    Enemy at the Gates: I liked that film for what it was: a sniper duel with war happening around it. I like duels.

    U571: It stepped in all the cliches. I do prefer "Das Boot."

    Black Hawk Down: I also liked this one. The comedy of a huge war going on what seems like a 5 minute drive from the army base amused me to no end.

    Behind Enemy Lines: Standard straight to video fodder that somehow made it to the theaters.

    The Patriot: Okay, the British never rounded colonists up into churches and burned them to the ground. Shit like that was done by the Nazis.

    I'd count the people who have done that sort of thing in the past and up until now, but lack the space.

    Jarhead: That's realism for you: man goes to war and doesn't do anything.

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