Well everyone. It’s back. The blog that everyone loves to hate (although I prefer to think of it as the blog that everyone hates to live, inaccurate as that may be given the 12 bags of hate mail), that’s right everyone, it’s time to stay Up Late, with me, the Ayatollah of Getting-his-hole-a, the Commanding Officer Of Coitus, that’s right it’s me, MR SMOOTH! I’ve received plenty of questions from you all and seeing as you all hang on my every word, I will take some time out of my busy schedule of sex and Miami Vice to answer some of them. Let’s begin;

1. MY husband has admitted having sex with at least a dozen prostitutes. A medium has told me he will never change and our marriage is over. What do you think Mr Smooth, would you take him back, even though the forces of the universe tell me not to? Latrina Frankford - Latrina honey, let’s be honest, your marriage is over. If your husband needs to go to prostitutes (and 12 at that) then clearly there is something you’re not giving him, that being sex, or just because you’re hideously ugly and he can’t bear the sight of you. But it’s probably not the later. Probably. But who cares Latrina! Now you have no pesky husband who can’t satisfy you sexually, you can just do what the fuck ever you want. He hires 12 prostitutes, you hire 20! AT THE ONE TIME! Go on Latrina, just live your life to the extreme and show that husband what he’s missing. And before you know it he’ll come crawling back. Then you can tell him its over.

2. MY girlfriend moaned to a couple of mates after I had a sexual blip. Now I'm having sex with one of these friends and a much younger woman – but still can't perform with my partner. What do you think my problem is Mr Smooth? Michal Melencamp - I’m going to refer you to my previous answer and say that it’s probably because she’s hideously ugly. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, I mean, you’re sexing up a younger friend of hers? Dude, that’s like 20 points in the Smooth Scale of Relationships. That’s copyrighted, so don’t be using that idea thieves. But still, just ditch the girlfriend man; you have a younger, hotter penis receptacle to be using. And you should use her to the full.

3. I AM having a fling with an old school friend. She's acting like she is in love with me but I'm only interested in the sex. How should I tell her? Rhett Capraro - Smack her across the face and tell that bitch what’s what. I mean, relationships are just so boring and monotonous. Why just go out with one woman for a sustained period of time when you could go out with numerous at the one time, with no strings attached! If you’ve read my guide on relationships, that goes into the subject in more detail, but in brief, a big no to relationships that last over a week. If you want to go for a gentler approach then just text her saying “Dear (insert name here) I only want to fuck you. Keep your feelings to yourself. Regards.” And that’s everything sorted.

4. I'VE just found out that my gorgeous, fit and beautiful girlfriend used to be a man before having gender reassignment. Britt Peha - Eh, DUMP HER. I mean him. I mean her. Good God, it’s too confusing. Just stop going out with…the person in question. Thank God she told you before you had the sexy times with her. I mean, imagine if you reached down, felt her Charlton Heston, but because you were already in the sex zone you just did it anyway? Not that I ever did that…

Well that’s the end of today’s blog. If any of you have any further questions, please comment and I’ll get to them eventually. You know, when I’m really bored. But anyway, I’ll see you all next week. Much love.