When you make so many bad films a year, one list is not enough.  Even so, it's a good start!

The Asylum is a name associated with ridiculous movies and crap.  These two things are usually one in the same for this company.  Most people know them for their 'mockbusters' aka films with amazingly-similar titles to current theatrical releases at the time.  Of course, most of you probably know all of that.  You know that these are the people behind such films as I Am Omega, Transmorphers and 100 Million B.C.  What you may not know is that I've seen a lot of their movies- all in the name of literary critiquing, of course.  What are the worst of the worst though?  How do I rank the worst Asylum films (that I have seen)?  Well, the waiting is over.

***Just to note: these are only the ones that I've seen.  Many of the really infamous ones like Transmorphers and Alien vs. Hunter or the less infamous ones like Street Racer and Pirates of Treasure Island aren't here for that reason.  Rest assured, they probably suck too and will likely be addressed in a later Top 12.)***

12. King of the Lost World/The Land that Time Forgot: This pair of jungle films are pretty similar, so let's bundle them.  The first is their version of King Kong, although it alleges to be based on the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle story.  Of course, the film also manages to rip off a popular show that had just debuted at the time: Lost.  The second film is their attempt to cash in on the success of Land of the Lost.  Not the best choice if you're aiming for a high gross, but alright.  All you need to know is that it stars and was directed by C. Thomas Howell.  Oh yeah, there are Nazis too.

11. The Haunting of Winchester House: How could they avoid getting in on the Haunting craze?  This film is about a family that is assigned to house-sit at the titular house.  Mind you, the actual location is a tourist attraction and an historical landmark.  How do I know that?  Because I've been there!  The film is pretty bad, throwing in random ghosts and jump scares to no avail.  As a bonus, the film was also released on DVD in 3-D!  Yeah, it's still bad.  CG houses for the win!

10. Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus: Are you really surprised?  I've spoken about this film on a few occasions, so I'll be brief.  Funny trailer, boring movie & a waste of time.

9. Bram Stoker's Dracula's Curse: An obscure Asylum release with no clear blockbuster to ape.  Dracula has been missing for 100 years, but Elizabeth Bathorly (yes, they spell it that way) has become a menace in his place.  A group of vampire hunters must team up with a vampire lord to battle the freaky threat.  Fun fact: all of the leads appear in King of the Lost World.  Any film where Van Helsing is a minor character and people shoot lightning from their hands is a failure in my book.

8. Resident Demon: What can be worse than a Milla Jovovich movie?  The Asylum's version, that's what!  Actually, that's kind of a lie.  This movie is a rip-off in name only of the zombie flick.  Instead, it's a lame film about a demon possessing random people in a house due to some sort of blood ceremony.  If you like films about evil cats and non-zombies though, then you're in luck!

7. Sherlock Holmes: Holy crap, you couldn't be less accurate if you tried!  This infamous Asylum film is a 'lost' tale of Sherlock Holmes battles Iron Man.  Come on, that's basically what it is!  Holmes' fictional second brother (he's not Mycrofte in the film) was apparently wounded by Lestrade and made himself a super-suit out of metal.  His army includes a robot T-Rex, a robot squid and a dragon.  Clearly the one thing lacking from the Holmes stories was a bit where he fires a machine gun from a hot air balloon at a man in a robot dragon vehicle!

6. H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds/War of the Worlds 2: The only thing worse than an unnecessary mockbuster is an even less-necessary sequel!  The first film is a pretty blatant copying of Spielberg's film, complete with the same damn ending.  Of course, they try to avoid a lawsuit by making it vague and ambiguous.  The second film picks up two years later and, sadly, was also directed by C. Thomas Howell.  Basically, the aliens attack, engage in dogfights and put Mr. Howell in 'The Matrix.'  Despite having decent effects, this movie is even duller than the first- ugh!

5.  Paranormal Entity: It's a given that they copied a low-budget film that grossed about $100 million.  This film is pretty much the same as the one everyone seems to like.  The differences: the house is full of numerous, mounted cameras, ghosts leave footprints on the ceiling and there's a bit of nudity.  Oh good- that's what the other one was missing.  Somehow, I doubt that this boring film grossed anything in the ballpark of the surprise blockbuster!

4. Death Racers: This Asylum film has the amazing trifecta of bullshit bringing it down.  The film is a loose rip-off of Death Race, which is in and of itself a remake (kind of) of Death Race 2000.  What kills the movie, you ask?  The cast and their 'help' given.  The villain is played by Scott Levy aka pro-wrestler Raven, while the two leads are played by The Insane Clown Posse.  Naturally, they also provide the film's soundtrack, which is approximately three 'songs.'  To make matters worse, there is almost no vehicular action to be seen.  What was the point again?

3. Allan Quartermain and the Temple of Skulls: You think that I would be more forgiving here, but I'm not.  I've gone on record as saying that the last Indiana Jones film was an overblown, CG mess!  However, the Asylum version is a boring as hell film that co-opts the Allan Quartermain.  In addition, said Temple has about three skulls in it.  I guess the Temple Made out of Stone was taken.  Seriously, I fell asleep during this movie!

2. The 9/11 Commission Report: Yeah, this is not what you think about when you think about The Asylum, huh?  Their political 'thriller' is a dull as dirt account of the alleged events that led up to our nation's worst tragedy.  Of course, it stars a slew of the Asylum's go-to supporting actors, including Sarah Lieving.  Sarah was in Monster (see below), Lost World, War of the Worlds and Dracula's Curse, among others.  The biggest thing: this movie is a blatant lie, choosing to place blame on people that did nothing.  Even worse, it's a dull movie that takes no risks.  So I'm both offended and bored.  Is that what you were aiming?

1. Monster (aka Tokyo): The rip-off of a film I dislike proves to be a film that I hate even more!  In this Cloverfield wannabe, two women go to Tokyo to interview a guy about global warming for a documentary.  While there, the city is put under siege by an unseen monster.  By unseen, of course, I mean a monster that only shows up for approximately thirty seconds of screen time.  The monster- a squid that can apparently attack from 30 miles away with its tentacles (since that is the nearest harbor to the city)!  The film uses ever in-camera effect humanly possible and goes so far to protect it's 'found footage' motif that it doesn't credit the real stars.  If you hate yourself and want a film equivalent of flagellation, this is the film for you!

For more Asylum reviews, go to my homepage.  It has all the flavor of Pepsi, but with slightly-less rat poison.

Next up, Mondo Bizarro pays tribute to one of the more underrated Italian genre directors: Luigi Cozzi.  There's no better way to do that than to count down some of the weirdest moments in his films.  Stay tuned...