How can one series become so bad so quickly?  Watch the destruction of the 'Amityville Horror' series in this selection of shitty moments from the series itself.

Amityville Horror- a series as inexplicable as New Coke.  One film came out based on an 'allegedly-true' story of a haunted house.  This actually led to a book series with just about as many sequels as the films.  The films, however, could not make up their damn mind.  First- it's an evil house.  By the third film- the status quo had changed dramatically, leading the film in a very odd direction.  The last few films were either made for television (4) or direct-to-video (5-8).  So don't set your expectations for quality too high, folks.  As such, let's take a close look at the some of the dumbest to come from this series.  It refused to die, so let's poke the remains...

*Just to note: I have not seen Amityville 5, so it's not represented here*

12. Ghost molestation (Amityville 1992): Let's start off with a scene from one the most infamously-bad films in the series.  The heroes' house- and the neighborhood- is under the attack of an evil clock.  No, really. In one really odd scene, the teenage daughter is checking herself out in the mirror.  As creepy as this already is, it gets worse when the girl's reflection starts acting on its own.  This 'reflection' is more interested in rubbing up against our heroine.  Eww.

See it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Namtlm-kIrE

11. Oh right- this is 3-D (Amityville 3-D): In a film series full of goofy things, this bit is pretty minor.  The gimmick of the film is that it was made during the rise of 3-D films like Jaws 3-D and Friday the 13th Part 3-D.  Sound familiar?  Even watching the film in 2-D (release it this way, please), you can spot the '3-D' moments.  There are maybe two in the first hour or so.  All of a sudden, the third act is full of falling objects and explosions!  They clearly saved all of their tricks for this point, making it seem like you're watching an entirely-different film!

10. Demon kitty (Amityville 4): This fourth film was made for TV, but does have a DVD release...if you can find it (I did).  The film revolves around a possessed object causing some serious issues for the residents. In the end, they manage to defeat it, sending it out the window and off of a cliff.  Kudos for building your house so close to a cliff, by the way.  The 'it's not over' ending, however, proves that evil is really hard to kill. The final shot that plays behind the credits is...a cat with evil red eyes.  Meowth- that's right.

9. Death chair? (Amityville 7): This really hard-to-find entry in the series features less stupid crap than the others, but has a few notable ones.  The finale of the film is built around an in-house art show that features our hero.  One of the other residents- 'John Shaft'- puts in a piece of his own.  It's a chair/TV set with a video camera and a shotgun facing it.  It's apparently about 'violence on television' or some crap.  Mind you, this seems like a set-up to something dramatic, right?  Does anything come of it?  No.  What the hell?!?

8. Flies- my God (Amityville 3-D): Speaking of Amityville 3-D, it has a theme based around its kills.  That theme: flies.  I guess this film is set in Chicago then!  So yeah, every time the evil house attacks someone with it's magic powers, flies swarm around.  I hope you like a loud, buzzing noise during all of the kills, because there's not turning that shit off.  The bigger question is this: why are flies supposed to be scary?

7. Worst plan ever! (Amityville 7): Try and wrap your head around this bit of crazy logic- I dare you.  Our hero is bothered by the knowledge that his father went crazy and killed the rest of the family at dinner with a shotgun.  Naturally, his girlfriend comes up with the brilliant suggestion to have them do a 'live art show' where he bursts in and shoots his neighbors...with squirt guns.  Yeah, that logic is impeccable!

6. Killer lamp! (Amityville 4): Here's where we get to the real meat of this stupidity sandwich.  The plot of this film involves an evil lamp from the Amityville house.  No, really.  This is possibly the dumbest plot idea ever, until you hear about the rest of the films' plots...

5. Deus ex clock-ina (Amityville 1992): Speaking of which, the plot gets dumber right here.  This film involves an evil clock that came from the titular house and causes some trouble.  The thing has a pretty broad range of powers too.  Ultimately, the heroes manage to defeat the menace, setting time back to before it caused all the trouble.  When the dad unveils the clock again, the rest of the family smashes it, apparently retaining their memories.  Yeah, I cry 'bullshit' on that one.

4. Zombie Dad (Amityville Dollhouse): Speaking of bullshit, let's address one of the later plot elements in the final Amityville film.  The plot involves a Brady Bunch-style mixed-family who move into a new house together.  However, another evil object is in the place and wreaks more havoc.  Near the end, the house resurrects the dead father from the wife's previous marriage.  He's a zombie that looks pretty neat...until you realize that his whole face- mouth and teeth included- is one flat mask.  Oh yeah, they brought in zombies too- what the hell?

3. Death by Diaper Truck (Amityville 1992): Let's get into the more famously-goofy part of the film.  The film's young hero seeks answers to the clock's mystery in a conveniently-adjacent witch.  The object is out to get here, however, and sets up an elaborate method of killing her.  Why just open up the Earth or cause a car accident when you can do both?  Oh yeah, watch out for that giant metal stork.

See it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaNZ86gB3-8&feature=related

2. Hey look- demons (Amityville Dollhouse): The last act is always where a film saves its big pay-off and this is no exception.  The film builds up to a showdown between the evil power & our heroes, joined by the wife's hippie friends.  The dad and the male hippie end up going through a portal where some low-rent demons are.  I thought this was a film about a ghost house?  I guess that's the price you pay for seven sequels!

1. Every sequel plot after Amityville 3-D: Okay, let's take a big, long look at this for a second.  At the end of Amityville 3-D, the eponymous house was blown up.  Gone.  Destroyed.  So what did they do for the remaining five sequels?  They were all built around random objects from the house going to different places and causing separate havoc.  How did they survive the giant explosion?  Why did each part have it's own powers?  Why did someone really think that this all made sense?  You got me there.

For more talk about Amityville, go to my blog.  It has killer flies too.

Next up, let's return to a familiar territory and discuss more silly powers that vampires apparently have.  You won't believe that this is all real.  Stay tuned...