Da Pro: Lousy Villains We Adore 14: Ultros
Hello. My name is Da Pro. You did nothing to my father. Prepare for installment 14 of...
LOUZY VILLINS WEE ADORE
Lately these blogs have been covering video game lousy villains. Know what? Next few installments will ALSO feature Video game Villains. So will this one. Because I can. Say hello to Ultros the Octopus - from Final Fantasy 6.
Don't tease the octopus, kids!
Comic relief is a great tool - if your story is long and somewhat depressing like Final Fantasy 6's storyline, then some humor can go a long way. Ultros meets the party when their raft accidentally HITS the poor innocent Cephalopod. This makes him angry AND hungry, and he decides he'll eat the party. During this battle, hit him with Fire magic and hear him scream "Yaaaouch! Seafood soup is not on the menu!"
"Mmm, what a tasty morsel. I'd love to get my tentacles around her!"
NOTE: This is a word-by-word transcript of what he says to main girl Terra during their first battle. BAD ULTROS! BAD!
Ultros, when defeated, hides underwater (one of your party members, being stupid, tries to chase him. THE MORON!). The plot moves further on. Later on, we meet this octopus ON DRY LAND (what), in an Opera House (what what) trying to use a weight to crush an opera singer (what what what) who happens to be a member of your party (what what what what?!?). It makes sense in context. Somewhat.
Guess what? World's purplest octopus is also a good mathematician.
The rest of the party intervenes, and after a few occurrences of the oddest possible kind, they're fighting a very hungry Ultros in the middle of the stage, while the orchestra plays. The show must go on. Ultros is once again defeated and flees.
He is to be fought another time, inside some caves. He sees a few statues and tries to steal them to make his rival jealous, but of course, lousy villains seldom make anything right, and it's your job to do the foiling. Here, you fight him until the artist in your party, a little girl named Relm, decides she wants to do his portrait, and after some convincing...
Uncle Ulty also promises he WON'T wrap his tentacles around you, but only because you're too young.
Relm's art happens to be magical, and the said panting attacks Ultros. After being defeated by a PAINTING he runs away again.
I have more lives than I do arms!
Last time you fight this annoying guy, it's while you're in an airship, and he is FLOATING RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU (this one does not make that much sense in context). When he loses, he calls his friend, Chupon/Typhon.
Flying mollusk, flying mollusk, does whatever a flying mollusk does!
Chupon/Typhon: FUNGAAAH!
Ultros: You know, just the other day I was taking a snooze, when he came along and decided to start gnawing on my head. Let me tell ya, the guy's got sharp teeth! I'd try not to make him mad... He gets hungry when he's irritated. He's not so great with words, but his strength'll blow you away! Heh-heh...
Oh, you. Anyway, one you hit them enough, Chupon/Typhon sneezer (ewww) effectively blowing you away. Then your party falls from the airship, and manages to fight a completely unrelated boss while freefalling. Of course, the all survive the 15 MINUTE FALL unharmed. WHAT?!?
Next time you meet him, he gave up on being a crappy villain and just got a normal job (to pay off a debt), as a receptionist at the Colosseum.
AND SOMEHOW FIND IT FUNNY!
Like all Final Fantasy Lousy Villains That Are funny, he gets to make cameos. In this case in FF12, as a monster who steals stuff and only attacks women. Yup, that's our lecher Ultros alright. Only... uglier.
Hello ladies. Look at your man.
Why do we love this guy? Is it his bad puns? His strange sense of humor? The fact he makes you laugh while trying to eat and/or molest you? The fact he's a friggin' purple octopus that walks on earth, talks, and does all of the above?
Perhaps, my friends, this is the greatest mystery of them all. Farewell - and think about that.
Comments
But that even so appears at every family reunion to make a fool out of himself.
This article really takes me back, I miss final fantasy 7! I do remember ultros, he was quite the little bastard! I really wish they would put out some Final Fantasy games for the Wii Virtual Console! Good article, brother...
Why, thanks! I do my best!
It is true, Ultros was a little bastard. It is also true that the FF is a series of games that would perhaps sell better if they released by games for other consoles besides the Playstation (I think there's a couple in the DS, I don't know, I'm probably wrong).
Thanks for commenting!
Still one my favorites as I always look forward to Ultros during those replays of a great game. FFVI balanced itself so well, and a lot of it had to do with Ultros - used to help the story and balance it out rather than stick out like a sore thumb. Just a classic.
Classics indeed, both the game and the character. And in a game with such amazing characters, some of them were forgotten, some of them lived on. The main storyline was dark, sad, and the game somehow managed to add these bits of comic relief (and sometimes, pure heartwarming) that somewhat made you forget for a second about the sorrow that abounds in that game. My humble opinion, of course.
Thanks for commenting!
Ultros seems like Cthulhu's loser cousin that no one in the family talks about.