PT: Hello?.....is the mic on? Are we recording?

DP: That we are my friend. Live from the Ford Galaxy, it's...

...LOUZY VILLINS WEE ADORE!

He's got power most can only dream of, and he's as evil as they come. He wears a black cape and a helmet that covers his face, and he commands a giant spaceship. His own crew shudders in terror when they hear the loud breathing that announces his presence, because even a minor slip will be severely punished. Who could this terrifying tyrant, this devious despot, this ominous overlord, this unpleasant... guy possibly be?

PT: Darth Vader?

DP: Of course not, why would you think that? This villain has absolutely nothing to do with Darth Vader! I'm obviously talking about the evilest Schwartz user in the universe, the dread Dark Helmet! If you need air stolen or balls crushed, he's your man! Even though I have no idea why anyone would want balls crushed.

Clearly as scary as any Dark Lord.

PT: Lord Dark Helmet?....are you sure you weren't talking about Darth....

DP: I'm positively sure, my friend. They are nothing alike! One uses the Force, the other uses the Schwartz. One is related to the protagonist, the other isn't. And Dark Helmet's Spaceball One looks nothing like the Death Star!

PT: That's true.....(more like the Executor Star Destroyer....well, that is if the Executor could transform into MegaMaid LOL!)

DP: I think we can all agree that the Executor would be way cooler if it could transform into the Mega Maid. As far as superweapons go, there's nothing quite like a giant vacuum cleaner.

But I think that before he get ahead of ourselves here, we owe all the readers that haven't watched this excellent movie a small summary of the plot. Even though I'd strongly suggest watching it. Did you hear me, readers? Watch Spaceballs if you haven't. And if you have, watch it again! I command you to!

Once upon a time warp, there was a planet called Planet Spaceball, where the atmosphere was completely ruined. So the Spaceballs decided to borrow Planet Druidia's air for an undisclosed amount of time, and without permission. So the eeeeevil president Skroob (Mel Brooks) sends the just as eeevil Lord Dark Helmet (Rick Moranis) to do that.

Easier said than done, even for Dark Helmet.

They're actually kind of similar... hey! Maybe Darth Vader's a parody of Dark Helmet?

PT: Yeah, since sometimes the best laid plans go awry....or as Rosanne Rosanadana would say "Ya Know....it's always SOMETHING!"

Before the sinisterly evil plan of the Spaceballs is carried out, the Druidian king's daughter, Princess Vespa(Daphne Zuniga) changes her mind about marrying Prince Valium and does a runner in her space Mercedes as Spaceball One shows up and throws a tractor beam on her(HORRORS!) The King calls adventurer Lonestar(Bill Pullman), and his sidekick, Barf(John Candy) to rescue her.

Lonestar is an old nemesis of Lord Dark Helmet so begins one of the....scratch that....THE funniest space chase scene ever filmed.

DP: Lone Starr and Barf, after managing to rescue Vespa from the tractor beam, jamming Spaceball One's radars in the process (it was raspberry!) manage to lose Dark Helmet because he decided to go a little too fast.

Sadly, Starr and the crew also run out of fuel and end up crashing in a desert, where they meet the wise Yogurt (Mel Brooks) who tells them about the Schwartz. I could talk a bit more about how much I love this particular character, but this blog is about the Lousy Villains, not the Lousy Good Guys.

Eventually Dark Helmet manages to kidnap Vespa back and threaten the Druidian King into giving him the password to the air shield around Druidia. Once that shield is down, enter the Mega Maid.

Face it, she eats Death Stars for breakfast.

PT: In one of the best Transformer parodies ever, too....with an official Spaceball Timpani Drummer for that 2001: A Space Odyssey drum line LMAO! So, Lonestar uses the Schwartz to flip the space vacuum switch from Suck to Blow..*snicker*......and then breaks into mega maid to hit the self destruct button. AH, but before he gets to it.....Da..Da...DAAAAAAAAAA!

LORD DARK HELMET CONFRONTS HIM as they meet again...for the first time...for the last time.....

DP: After comparing Schwartz sizes (pfffffft hahaha!) they have a battle. I'm not going to spoil the fight for those who haven't watched it, because it's my favorite part of the whole movie. But the self-destruct button ends up being pressed. The good guys manage to escape, and the bad guys don't, Starr marries Vespa and all is well.

Don't be gutter-minded. This is perfectly normal.

DP: So, what makes Dark Helmet such a funny villain? Sure, the great writing helps and the jokes are funny as hell, but what makes the most difference, in my opinion, can be explained in two words: Rick Moranis. This movie introduced me to this very funny man, and made me a fan of him.

PT: Absolutely! Rick Moranis(Who I saw first in Ghostbusters, and then Strange Brew.....and then Honey, I shrunk the Kids...) is a phenomenal comic talent.....there's a scene in Spaceballs where he's play-acting a really funny scene with his Spaceballs action figures.....completely ad-libbed! That wasn't scripted, my friends....I can only think of 2 comic actors with that kind of ad-libbing talent: Robin Williams and Bill Murray.

I also love the Lord Dark Helmet outfit! It kind of looks like Darth Vader's suit.....with a freaking NECKTIE! LMAO!

Necktie of Evilness

DP: Yes, I heard that had been ad-libbed. And I loved that scene!

As for the necktie... is it just me being gutter-minded, or does it look like a certain part of the male genitalia? For a movie filled with penis jokes, I'm starting to think the necktie itself could be one. Hmm...

And of course, we can't forget how he punishes his crew when they fail. Personally I'd rather be force choked...

Pwnd indeed.

PT: Yyyyyeahhh, um.....MOVING ON.....Another thing that really makes Dark Helmet a laugh riot is the flip face on the mask. When it's up, Rick Moranis(in really funny spectacles) has a dorky look and a hammy voice......when the mask is down, then he channels his best James Earl Jones voice to be menacing and EVIL!!!!! MWA! HA! HA! HA! HAAAAA!!!

DP: And he does it rather well! If it wasn't for the sheer size of the helmet, he would look almost intimidating... and then he opens it in order to not suffocate, and we see how dorky he looks. Because ironically, while Darth Vader suffocates without his helmet, Dark Helmet suffocates with it! It's hard to breathe inside that thing.

PT: YEAH! you're right! That is kind of ironic LOL!....I also loved the physical gags...like him sipping coffee through the mask...and the way it gets dented from Spaceball one coming out of Ludicrous Speed...which we'll never show again!.....EVER!.....

DP: Yes, we could talk about what makes Dark Helmet so awesome all day - believe me, there's a lot. But all we could say about him wouldn't be enough. That's why you, the reader, should go buy or rent Spaceballs. It's pretty excellent.

PT: Absolutely. Spaceballs was the last really great Mel Brooks film in a series of great films starting with The Producers that includes, Young Frankenstein and Blazing Saddles. If you like to laugh...a lot...then check these films out, my friends.

And thanks for having me back on your excellent blog series, Da Pro. It's been far too long. I'm really glad you're back in the blog. Peace.

DP: Always a pleasure my friend, and thank you for collaborating with me. See you around the blog!

And for you, readers, I hope you enjoyed this edition of Lousy Villains We Adore. Until the next one, may the Schwartz be with you! Check out more villains in here.