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Constructive Revolution #31: 12 Things Wrong with the Spongebob Movie ("A Week Without Reviews" Day 2)

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Hello and welcome back to "A Week Without Reviews" here on Constructive Revolution, taking on Hollywood one movie at a time. A few blogs ago, I was gonna do a countdown of the Top 15 Screwed-Up Moments from The Spongebob Squarepants Movie. Unfortunately, a storm hit here in my town and messed up my wi-fi, and I had to change the review at the last minute. And we all know how well THAT turned out...

And to this day, I'm still wondering why she spared my life. Aaaaaanyway, I decided that since I'm not reviewing anything this week, that I would bring this topic back into the sunlight. For those who don't know, this movie, in my opinion, is screwed-up even in the logic of the show it's based on. It's not really bad, but it's not that good either. But I can't figure out a way to review it in my regular format. Fortunately, an idea came to mind when Linkara posted a video a couple weeks ago explaining 15 things wrong with "Identity Crisis." That's the inspiration for this blog. So, in what ways is this movie crazy? Let's find out. These are 12 things wrong with the Spongebob Movie.

Now, for this, I'm gonna try to be more linear. It should be kinda easy, considering I don't do linear reviews and, admittedly, I haven't seen the movie in about a month. That being said, let's not waste anymore time.

1. At the beginning of the movie, we see pirates finding a treasure chest containing tickets to the movie in question. So right off the bat, we know that they're gonna pull the "movie within a movie" card. But that's not the stupid part. No, the stupid part is the fact that these are the WORST pirates ever. Don't believe me? Well, check this out. When Spongebob and Patrick die (yes, they die in this film), the pirates weep bitterly. When our heroes are brought back to life, they give the movie a standing ovation. One pirate- I'm assuming it was the captain- sobs when they're told to leave after the movie. And, oh yeah, they're watching this movie rather than pillage something!  It's somewhat minor, I know, but you're dealing with pirates. I don't care that this is a kids' film; pirates are supposed to be tough. And I know that the Disney version of Peter Pan didn't have the toughest pirates out there either. But then again, they didn't cry when Captain Hook lost their battle with Peter.

2. One of the minor plot-points of the film is that Mr. Krabs wants to franchise the Krusty Krab. That's not a bad idea, really. After all, it's a fantastic money-making scheme, and Mr. Krabs has always been about money. Now, before I tell you what he did in the movie, let me tell you what I would do. I'd keep the "Krusty Krab" name (remember that) and build my new restaurant near a tourist attration or the middle of town. That way, it's in a familiar part of town and the business gets more exposure and profits. But I guess he chose that day to leave his brain at his anchor of a home, because he decides to name it "Krusty Krab 2" and place it right beside the original restaurant. Considering that Bikini Bottom doesn't get too many tourists and mostly townsfolk eat there, does Mr. Krabs just think that they're stupid? Does he think that the residents of Bikini Bottom are so stupid that they would get the original confused with the new AND get the locations confused in the process? It really shows how little Krabs might think of his own customers.

3. So Mr. Krabs wants one of his employees to run...*sigh*... the Krusty Krab 2. Apparently, he wanted someone who was loyal, trustworthy, dedicated, and didn't hate Krabs' guts. So who does he choose to be the new manager? Why, Squidward, of course. Because, as we all know, Squidward LOVES  his job at the Krusty Krab, while Spongebob is the lazy bum. ...Wait, what? Seriously, Krabs just named every characteristic of Spongebob, but he hires Squidward, who just might hate Mr. Krabs enough to run the new restaurant into the ground, because he's "mature." But I think the reason why Squidward got the job instead of Spongebob because the plot says so. Either way, they did a poor job of getting the characters to stay in character.

4. Speaking of characters, let me tell you who I think the three best supporting characters in the series are: Mrs. Puff, Sandy, and Gary. These three, in many ways, makes the show enjoyable, even in the tough times of the show. But they're barely in this film! In fact, they appear in about three scenes and only get about one or two lines of dialogue. What...the...buck? Maybe it's just me, but I would love to hear Sandy do more than complain about paying for a ceremony, work a giant hamster wheel, and shout, "Yee-haw" at the end. It just seems wasteful to put in a character that you're rarely going to use, especially since they've had such an impact on the show.

5. If you've seen any episode of Spongebob, you know how stupid and disgusting Patrick can be. Well, since it's a movie, the filmmakers saw it fitting to magnify Patrick's stupidiy and rudeness by about 20%. And no, it's not cooler. I mean, in one scene, he's completely naked. In another, he's wearing fishnet leggings. In another, it's revealed that he's been wearing the same underwear for three years straight. And he even gets Spongebob...I'll explain what he does later. But here's my point. In the cartoon, his stupidity is innocent. In the film, it's offensive beyond comprehension.

6. Plankton's scheme to get the Krabby Patty formula here is to steal Neptune's crown and frame Mr. Krabs. The plan itself isn't too bad. But it does leave me with one problem with Neptune: his look. They've already estabished a look for Neptune in the series (three episodes, to be exact). Teal skin, mermaid tail, burnt-orange hair and goatee, human face, and a Mid-atlantic accent. In other words, they focused more on the mythical aspect of the character rather than him being a king. In the movie, he's still teal, has a mermaid tail, and has his goatee. But his head is larger, he has a big nose, his voice is slightly less Mid-atlantic, and he's wearing a royal robe. Oh, and he's bald. That's a plot-point. And might I add extremely contrived. I know it's a movie and it doesn't have to follow the show's continuity completely, but Neptune already has an established look, voice, and traits. Why, then, would you abandon those just to serve the plot? Oh, wait, I think I just answered my own question.

7. This next one is the one that gets to me. After Spongebob walks away from the manager ceremony depressed, he goes to an ice cream joint, where Patrick persuedes him to join him at the bar. And they literally- LITERALLY- get drunk on ice cream, complete with a hangover. But wait, there's more to the madness. Spongebob decides to pay Krabs a visit after the crown is stolen. And in his drunken stupor, Spongeob tells off his boss and encourages Neptune to fry Krabs. It would be at this point that I just walk away and not finish this blog because this scene INFURIATES me to the core, but I won't. Yes, to finish the blog, but also because if I left, I wouldn't say, "I need a Fluttershy Moment."

That...was...satisfying. Oh, and Fluttershy brings up a good point. HOW DARE YOU, NICKELODEON!!! How dare you destroy the innocence of one of your better characters in recent history! I wasn't able to watch this movie for years (before this year) because of this scene. And when I saw the scene for the first time in years a couple weeks ago, it reminded me why I wasn't a big fan of this movie. Let's move on before I break something.

8. When Spongebob and Patrick go after the crown, Plankton sends a hitman to go after them. he can beat down anyone, rides a motorcycle, and can grow a moustache in three seconds flat. And this tough guy's name is...Dennis.  If your name is Dennis and you're reading this, let me say that I'm sorry for what I'm about to say. I don't find the name "Dennis" all that intimidating. That's pretty much it for this point. It's just a minor nitpick.

9. Apparently, Neptune has a daughter named Mindy, and she bears a resemblance to Meg from "Family Guy." But that has nothing to do with this point; I just wanted to throw that out. Anyway, when Spongebob and Patrick lose faith, Mindy decides to lie to them by putting seaweed on their faces and telling them it's a moustache. You know, my high school science teacher had a saying: "Don't pee on my leg and tell me that it's raining." That's the case here.

10. Did I mention that there was a bar in this film? And I'm not talking about the one from the ice cream parlor. No, literally a bar. In a Spongebob movie. I'll leave you to think about that.

11. David Hasselhoff cameo. What else can I say? It's not too bad, but just because he was in Baywatch doesn't mean he has to be in every movie that has something to do with the beach. But still, think about that.

12. Spongebob is a total hypocrite in this film. Hear me out here. The entire film is centered on him wanting this promotion, but he's always switching between desperate for the promotion and saying that it doesn't matter to him. Then at the end of the film, he brags because he FINALLY got that promotion. That's kinda hypocritical, not to mention mean-spirited, when you think about it.

And those are a few issues that I have with this film. I hope you enjoyed it. If you have anything to add, tell me in the comments. Next time, I'm gonna try not to do a list, but I make no promises since I don't even know what I'm gonna do next.

But until then, I'm will_chilton, and is it me, or did Spongebob's drunken spree inspire a terrible joke from Grown-Ups? Just sayin'.

Wow, Hellsing just won't let it go, will he? First, he make an insulting review of Kickassia, and now he makes another video insulting Doug and making HIM out to be the bad guy? Dude, we're not being "protective," we're just voicing our opinion. Apparently, that's wrong somehow.

Comments

  • Positive Troll
    Positive Troll Tuesday, 07 February 2012

    Hi will_chilton. I already knew there was a lot "wrong" with this film, but to see you spell them out was a lot of fun to read. Great job, my friend. Oh, and Fluttershy's clip was hilarious too. Peace.

  • will_chilton
    will_chilton Tuesday, 07 February 2012

    Glad you liked it. To be fair, the film isn't terrible; I just had some niticks that I wanted to get off my chest. But hey, that's not really a bad thing, I guess. :)

  • Semudara
    Semudara Tuesday, 07 February 2012

    Were most of these complaints serious? I mean, you brought up the hitman's name not being intimidating, which was the joke. I find it hard to believe you didn't get that.

    Although I rather liked this movie myself, it does have its flaws, so I'm not allergic to criticism of it. That said, the majority of this wasn't any substantial criticism, just nitpicks and senseless whining as far as I could tell. The few actual criticisms were well-stated and I completely agree with them, especially the one about Spongebob acting like a jerk.

  • will_chilton
    will_chilton Tuesday, 07 February 2012

    That was the point. Like I said, this was inspired by something Linkara did. Granted, he made great points in the video while mine was just nitpicks, but I thought it was similar to what he did. And yes, I knew "Dennis" was a joke, but to be honest, I didn't find it all that funny. I don't hate the film, but I did have my share of nitpicks. But thanks for checking it out and giving your thoughts.

  • Ratin8tor
    Ratin8tor Tuesday, 07 February 2012

    I enjoy this film because the show has always run on the 'Rule of Funny' logic. Sure it makes no sense for Krusty Krab to build the Krusty Krab 2 right next door, but why should logic get in the way of a gag.

    Also Dennis may be a reference to the British comic character 'Dennis the Menace', who's strips have been continously printed in the Beano for the last 60 years. It could be a reference to that (or a coincedence. One of the two).

  • Positive Troll
    Positive Troll Tuesday, 07 February 2012

    Hi Ratin8tor. Um....Dennis the Menace was also an American Newspaper Comic Strip Drawn by Hank Ketcham from Seattle, Washington(My original hometown). I grew up reading it. It's been around since 1951-which was an amazing coincidence coming out about the same time as the British Dennis the Menace. They're different characters, who just happen to have the same name. Seeing as how Spongebob is Produced in America...I have a suspicion that if they used Denis the Menace as the inspiration for Denis the fish assassin, it likely was for the American version. Not to be territorial, or anything, but I had to look up your reference to discover these facts. I'm now curious as Hell to see the British Version...Thanks for making me aware of it LOL!...Sigh, I love discovering new things on the net. Peace.

  • will_chilton
    will_chilton Tuesday, 07 February 2012

    @Ratin8tor Glad you liked it. Yeah, that part of the film didn't make much sense. Then again, what in this film did? But since I've said this to basically everyone, I might as well tell you that this was just a list of nitpicks, and technically, none of it really matters. It was just something I wanted to do since I found the film "screwed-up." Plus, it was a fun alternative compared to just reviewing it.
    Oh, and I didn't mean for anything I told you to be rude. Sorry if I came out that way.

  • Gregg
    Gregg Tuesday, 07 February 2012

    Patrick, oooh boy. He's a playah!

    One of the funniest and unexpected (and actually pretty dirty) pick up lines ever came out of the Spongebob Movie!

    O M G!

  • will_chilton
    will_chilton Tuesday, 07 February 2012

    Honestly, I kinda hated Patrick in this movie. I mean, he technically got Spongebob drunk, for crying out loud. But as long as he's entertaining some people, I have no problem with it. Thanks for checking this blog out, and glad you liked it.
    BTW, I haven't given you a proper welcome, so welcome to the blogs, Gregg!

  • Moviefan12
    Moviefan12 Tuesday, 07 February 2012

    I was not a fan of Spongebob to begin with and I did not see this film until about '09 and well, it was boring and stupid as heck. The movie like the show afterwards came off as being mean-spirited. Surprisingly, this is the same problem I had with The Social Network (one of the most overrated films in my opinion). The characters were just either too stupid or too mean to care about.

  • SojaSoja88
    SojaSoja88 Tuesday, 07 February 2012

    Oh my God I felt that way about The Social Network too! I thought I was alone on this one. I have no Face Book and I never really cared. Zuckerberg did come off as an actual douche and he was right to say that the movie was made too soon. Then again, who gives a flying shit.

    Personally I thought the Spongebob Squarepants movie was pretty good. This is a guilty pleasure of mine.. BUT I personally think that Spongebob has to die now. After the creator left in 2004 (but continued to be an executive producer) he left the show in charge of Paul Tibbitt and thats when the show went to shit. Everything feels obnoxious, dumb, and Spongebob acts like a complete pansy. I know I shouldn't beat it up for being a kids show but that isn't an excuse. Kids deserve better. They're smarter than the people in Hollywood and even parents give them credit for. That's all I gotta say about that.

    Pretty descent list will. Pretty good.

  • Moviefan12
    Moviefan12 Tuesday, 07 February 2012

    Well, I have some respect for Zuckerberg because what he has been able to do at such a young age is astounding. When I watched The Social Network, it felt as though the film was vilifying every person in Zuckerberg's life including him. The film just gave off this pretentious air of the film believing that it was better the audience watching it came across as those the film had to belittle the audience to get its point across. Now I do use Facebook, I post links to my blogs there and I also use it to keep in contact with family and friends.

  • SojaSoja88
    SojaSoja88 Tuesday, 07 February 2012

    Well, I do have some family on Face Book but I never really have a motivation to make one and The Social Network pretty much set that idea in my head in stone. I may go on sometime in the future for my family, friends, and even for business purposes to find... But I'd much rather have a personal relationship with family, friends, and what not. No disrespect to people who have a Face Book but that's just how I feel about it.

  • will_chilton
    will_chilton Tuesday, 07 February 2012

    Well, to each his own. I think after the film, the show got worse, but not too bad to completely ruin it. And part of that was, like you said, the characters becoming somewhat mean-spirited. Oh, and I haven't seen "The Social Network", but then again, I don't plan to anytime soon. Anyway, glad you liked the list.

  • SojaSoja88
    SojaSoja88 Tuesday, 07 February 2012

    Well I know the show got worse but I personally feel that they shouldn't keep stretching out Spongebob so much. After the creator left, the show should've ended right then and there.

    There is however one new episode I did laugh at. It was "House Fancy". But ever since then it became cringe worthy. I don't watch it anymore but I do believe the show has run its course. I hear its going to end this year and maybe its for the best.

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