Hello and welcome back to "A Week Without Reviews" here on Constructive Revolution, taking on Hollywood one movie at a time. A few blogs ago, I was gonna do a countdown of the Top 15 Screwed-Up Moments from The Spongebob Squarepants Movie. Unfortunately, a storm hit here in my town and messed up my wi-fi, and I had to change the review at the last minute. And we all know how well THAT turned out...
And to this day, I'm still wondering why she spared my life. Aaaaaanyway, I decided that since I'm not reviewing anything this week, that I would bring this topic back into the sunlight. For those who don't know, this movie, in my opinion, is screwed-up even in the logic of the show it's based on. It's not really bad, but it's not that good either. But I can't figure out a way to review it in my regular format. Fortunately, an idea came to mind when Linkara posted a video a couple weeks ago explaining 15 things wrong with "Identity Crisis." That's the inspiration for this blog. So, in what ways is this movie crazy? Let's find out. These are 12 things wrong with the Spongebob Movie.
Now, for this, I'm gonna try to be more linear. It should be kinda easy, considering I don't do linear reviews and, admittedly, I haven't seen the movie in about a month. That being said, let's not waste anymore time.
1. At the beginning of the movie, we see pirates finding a treasure chest containing tickets to the movie in question. So right off the bat, we know that they're gonna pull the "movie within a movie" card. But that's not the stupid part. No, the stupid part is the fact that these are the WORST pirates ever. Don't believe me? Well, check this out. When Spongebob and Patrick die (yes, they die in this film), the pirates weep bitterly. When our heroes are brought back to life, they give the movie a standing ovation. One pirate- I'm assuming it was the captain- sobs when they're told to leave after the movie. And, oh yeah, they're watching this movie rather than pillage something! It's somewhat minor, I know, but you're dealing with pirates. I don't care that this is a kids' film; pirates are supposed to be tough. And I know that the Disney version of Peter Pan didn't have the toughest pirates out there either. But then again, they didn't cry when Captain Hook lost their battle with Peter.
2. One of the minor plot-points of the film is that Mr. Krabs wants to franchise the Krusty Krab. That's not a bad idea, really. After all, it's a fantastic money-making scheme, and Mr. Krabs has always been about money. Now, before I tell you what he did in the movie, let me tell you what I would do. I'd keep the "Krusty Krab" name (remember that) and build my new restaurant near a tourist attration or the middle of town. That way, it's in a familiar part of town and the business gets more exposure and profits. But I guess he chose that day to leave his brain at his anchor of a home, because he decides to name it "Krusty Krab 2" and place it right beside the original restaurant. Considering that Bikini Bottom doesn't get too many tourists and mostly townsfolk eat there, does Mr. Krabs just think that they're stupid? Does he think that the residents of Bikini Bottom are so stupid that they would get the original confused with the new AND get the locations confused in the process? It really shows how little Krabs might think of his own customers.
3. So Mr. Krabs wants one of his employees to run...*sigh*... the Krusty Krab 2. Apparently, he wanted someone who was loyal, trustworthy, dedicated, and didn't hate Krabs' guts. So who does he choose to be the new manager? Why, Squidward, of course. Because, as we all know, Squidward LOVES his job at the Krusty Krab, while Spongebob is the lazy bum. ...Wait, what? Seriously, Krabs just named every characteristic of Spongebob, but he hires Squidward, who just might hate Mr. Krabs enough to run the new restaurant into the ground, because he's "mature." But I think the reason why Squidward got the job instead of Spongebob because the plot says so. Either way, they did a poor job of getting the characters to stay in character.
4. Speaking of characters, let me tell you who I think the three best supporting characters in the series are: Mrs. Puff, Sandy, and Gary. These three, in many ways, makes the show enjoyable, even in the tough times of the show. But they're barely in this film! In fact, they appear in about three scenes and only get about one or two lines of dialogue. What...the...buck? Maybe it's just me, but I would love to hear Sandy do more than complain about paying for a ceremony, work a giant hamster wheel, and shout, "Yee-haw" at the end. It just seems wasteful to put in a character that you're rarely going to use, especially since they've had such an impact on the show.
5. If you've seen any episode of Spongebob, you know how stupid and disgusting Patrick can be. Well, since it's a movie, the filmmakers saw it fitting to magnify Patrick's stupidiy and rudeness by about 20%. And no, it's not cooler. I mean, in one scene, he's completely naked. In another, he's wearing fishnet leggings. In another, it's revealed that he's been wearing the same underwear for three years straight. And he even gets Spongebob...I'll explain what he does later. But here's my point. In the cartoon, his stupidity is innocent. In the film, it's offensive beyond comprehension.
6. Plankton's scheme to get the Krabby Patty formula here is to steal Neptune's crown and frame Mr. Krabs. The plan itself isn't too bad. But it does leave me with one problem with Neptune: his look. They've already estabished a look for Neptune in the series (three episodes, to be exact). Teal skin, mermaid tail, burnt-orange hair and goatee, human face, and a Mid-atlantic accent. In other words, they focused more on the mythical aspect of the character rather than him being a king. In the movie, he's still teal, has a mermaid tail, and has his goatee. But his head is larger, he has a big nose, his voice is slightly less Mid-atlantic, and he's wearing a royal robe. Oh, and he's bald. That's a plot-point. And might I add extremely contrived. I know it's a movie and it doesn't have to follow the show's continuity completely, but Neptune already has an established look, voice, and traits. Why, then, would you abandon those just to serve the plot? Oh, wait, I think I just answered my own question.
7. This next one is the one that gets to me. After Spongebob walks away from the manager ceremony depressed, he goes to an ice cream joint, where Patrick persuedes him to join him at the bar. And they literally- LITERALLY- get drunk on ice cream, complete with a hangover. But wait, there's more to the madness. Spongebob decides to pay Krabs a visit after the crown is stolen. And in his drunken stupor, Spongeob tells off his boss and encourages Neptune to fry Krabs. It would be at this point that I just walk away and not finish this blog because this scene INFURIATES me to the core, but I won't. Yes, to finish the blog, but also because if I left, I wouldn't say, "I need a Fluttershy Moment."
That...was...satisfying. Oh, and Fluttershy brings up a good point. HOW DARE YOU, NICKELODEON!!! How dare you destroy the innocence of one of your better characters in recent history! I wasn't able to watch this movie for years (before this year) because of this scene. And when I saw the scene for the first time in years a couple weeks ago, it reminded me why I wasn't a big fan of this movie. Let's move on before I break something.
8. When Spongebob and Patrick go after the crown, Plankton sends a hitman to go after them. he can beat down anyone, rides a motorcycle, and can grow a moustache in three seconds flat. And this tough guy's name is...Dennis. If your name is Dennis and you're reading this, let me say that I'm sorry for what I'm about to say. I don't find the name "Dennis" all that intimidating. That's pretty much it for this point. It's just a minor nitpick.
9. Apparently, Neptune has a daughter named Mindy, and she bears a resemblance to Meg from "Family Guy." But that has nothing to do with this point; I just wanted to throw that out. Anyway, when Spongebob and Patrick lose faith, Mindy decides to lie to them by putting seaweed on their faces and telling them it's a moustache. You know, my high school science teacher had a saying: "Don't pee on my leg and tell me that it's raining." That's the case here.
10. Did I mention that there was a bar in this film? And I'm not talking about the one from the ice cream parlor. No, literally a bar. In a Spongebob movie. I'll leave you to think about that.
11. David Hasselhoff cameo. What else can I say? It's not too bad, but just because he was in Baywatch doesn't mean he has to be in every movie that has something to do with the beach. But still, think about that.
12. Spongebob is a total hypocrite in this film. Hear me out here. The entire film is centered on him wanting this promotion, but he's always switching between desperate for the promotion and saying that it doesn't matter to him. Then at the end of the film, he brags because he FINALLY got that promotion. That's kinda hypocritical, not to mention mean-spirited, when you think about it.
And those are a few issues that I have with this film. I hope you enjoyed it. If you have anything to add, tell me in the comments. Next time, I'm gonna try not to do a list, but I make no promises since I don't even know what I'm gonna do next.
But until then, I'm will_chilton, and is it me, or did Spongebob's drunken spree inspire a terrible joke from Grown-Ups? Just sayin'.