The next incident that really hurt my love of stand-up came a few months later. I often perform at a place called the Stone Tavern. To be honest, I dislike performing there. A lot of the comedians rely on shock humor – and that’s pretty much the only thing that goes over well there. But I’m good friends with the manager and he tends to give me pretty cushy spots on the show so  I just grin and bear it. I performed there in October – bringing a friend along – and died on stage. Not one joke got a laugh. Ever. No giggles, no chuckles, no tee-hee’s – nobody went “ha!”

My friend had a good time, which I was happy about. I would have felt bad if he had a bad time on my account. But I kind of had to hide that my feelings were hurt about what happened. Oh, and because I was using new material, I taped this catastrophe for prosperity:

http://blip.tv/alexthed/stand-up-act-10-17-11-5872003

(I would have embedded, but that hasn't been working right lately.)

The next incident… actually went well for me. But it resulted in another argument with my brother. I went back to the Stone Tavern in December to promote Research: The Musical. (You know, that movie I acted in… that movie that’s in my avatar.) I tied some of my routines – the Bob Dylan porn, my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression, Nicholas Cage’s cooking show –with some stuff about Donald Trump’s presidential run. Unfortunately, I never taped that, so here’s a transcript of the routine:

Donald Trump: Obama, I want you to produce your birth certificate.

Obama: Yeah, well I want you to produce a dead Bin Laden.

Trump: I’ll get you next time, Obama. Next time!

(Mad-cat style Catterwalling)

            I also threw in a line about Catherine Zeta-Jones – she’s not bi-polar, she’s bi-winning. And despite the normally fastidious crowd at the Stone Tavern, I killed! (Boy, George Carlin was right, the language of comedy is pretty violent.) People were eating up everything, and I received some of the best responses since I started doing standup. My brother, who seems to get off on nitpicking every little thing I do, actually commended me on my performance that night. Unfortunately, another rift came between us later when the headliner came on.

            Remember earlier, when I was bemoaning that one comedian going on for fifteen minutes. This loser went on for twenty minutes. I already know what you’re thinking. Wait a minute, he’s the headliner, isn’t he supposed to have extra time? Yes, but this guy’s routine was TEDIOUS! He constantly repeated himself, took extended gaps without telling jokes, talked conversationally, as opposed to telling jokes, audibly sighed once or twice, and after a while it was clear he was winging it. And do you know what the worst part was? People actually liked him! I’d make a snide comment about this, but I’m really trying to keep the cynicism to a minimum.

So why did this start another fight between me and my brother? Well, like any person who had to endure a comedian they didn’t like, my mind wandered, and I stopped paying attention. Did I heckle the guy? No (even though I think he deserved it). Was I disruptive in anyway? No, but once again, being mildly rude was enough for my brother to castigate me.

I should point out, I’ve straight-up bombed, people have talked during my performances and on that night, I even had people WALK OUT during my performance. But I was supposed to feel bad because I checked my watch once or twice while that glory hog devoured twenty minutes of my life that I’m never getting back? Frankly, if that prick’s ego is so fragile that he’s upset that ONE PERSON didn’t laugh, then he can kiss my tuchus. This problem more or less resolved itself when my brother decided it really wasn’t worth fighting over. He also felt better when I told him one of my friends would have straight up heckled him if he were in my shoes.

Another place I like to do standup is a place called the Funny Stop. Again, I have my issues with this place. Namely, profanity is a no-no – for amateurs anyway. I know it’s a little hypocritical to take umbrage to something like after griping about people using shock humor, but it’s cumbersome when I have to write R-rated humor that will appease the Stone Tavern audience, but I can’t use any of that when I’m at the Funny Stop.

And yes, it is in fact a contest, so my resentment towards fellow comedians can be chalked up to the fact that they are my competition. My first time there had its ups and downs. I actually went over pretty well. It was refreshing to perform in front of a crowd that actually wanted to see the comedians and not just a crowd who wanted to get drunk. Unfortunately, I wasn't informed it was a contest until I arrived - which meant I had to stay whether I wanted to or not.

The rest of the comedians were hit and miss, but the headliner was just awful! He was this hypnotist whose entire shtick seemed to be… talking fast. He didn’t really have anything funny or witty to say. He just talked fast. (Then again, his act could have been incessantly name-dropping Channel Awesome members and playing music every time he ran out of things to say. So maybe I should count my blessings.) Oh, and in case you had to ask, I didn't win. Guys who stammered and guys whose idea of jokes is inflecting their voice while telling their life story.

The second time I went was another mixed bag. I was really irked because I was supposed to perform, but the bozo who ran the place forgot to call me up. However, the rest of the comedians who went on were actually really good (see? I don’t just automatically hate every other comedian I see). The headliner Jayson Cross was a comedian I liked so much I actually bought his album. Unfortunately, I had to cancel what would have been my second performance with the Funny Stop because I had a cold.

My third visit was not exactly the charm either. First of all, it was announced that only ONE person would be moving ahead (as opposed to the tournament format of the previous nights). So any chance I had of actually coming back was thrown right out the window. Oh, and the owner just up and decided that night was the night we could use bad language… sort of. He actually gave us a rundown of the language we could and couldn’t use.  For my act, I decided to work out a PG version of my previous Stone Tavern act since it went over so well.

http://blip.tv/alexthed/stand-up-act-8-02-11-5855816

(This is actually the footage from my FIRST visit to the Funny Stop. Yeah, I pretty much did the same thing. It worked. It was a new audience, why not repeat it?)

Unfortunately, what works one night may not work on another. I went on relatively early which is never a good thing as the audience usually needs a little warm-up. If I were to pick one song that would describe the crowd reaction it would be “The Sounds of Silence.” Okay, I got some laughs, but it’s more accurate to describe them as pity laughs – the sort of laughs that say “Maybe if we laugh, he’ll get off the stage faster.”

And the guy who won the contest? His entire routine was pretty much just saying “penis” over and over again. And I am not kidding – maybe exaggerating a little since I don’t remember the guy’s act perfectly. But bottom line was that he pretty much just said “penis” over and over. And of course, the audience laughed hysterically. (Sorry… I just can’t hold it in, but I’ll try to keep it basic.) God, it’s because of people like this that Transformers 3 was such a popular movie.

And that’s sort of the crux of why I’m losing my passion for standup. I’m getting this feeling like no matter what I do, the audience won’t like it. Instead, they’ll just pick the guy whose entire routine is just – as Angry Joe would say – “cocka-poopoo-peepee.” I’ve been told I need to work on my delivery. (By my brother – and I can assure you that if I fix that, he’ll find another itch to scratch. I kind of doubt that would work. I’ve seen who stammered and mumbled and checked their notes, but went over like they were George Carlin. Sometimes, I don’t think those people would like Bill Cosby just because he didn’t talk about body parts and rape. I’m not giving up stand-up – not yet anyway. I just wanted to get some issues that were grinding my gears off my chest.