Please, Don't Go See Battleship!
[Originally posted on http://obsessive-geek.blogspot.com/]
The summer of 2012 is starting to look like a Summer of Impossibility. The Avengers (which
after three viewings is still one of the best blockbusters I've ever
seen) has somehow gotten the privilege of having critical acclaim and
record breaking box office numbers, something I haven't seen since Avatar. This
summer also is giving us several movies I thought once would only
exist in a parody universe, such as an action epic retelling of Snow
White, Edgar Allen Poe involved in a murder mystery, and last but not
least....
| Why do you exist? |
... a movie based on a board game.
Just think about that for a minute. There is a movie based on Battleship. Someone in Hasbro marketing said "You know what will make money? A Battleship
movie!" and everyone else agreed and didn't immediately think it was a
joke. They spent millions on CGI, cast Rhianna to boost interest in the
film, got Liam Neeson to waste a few days on set. And they're releasing
it the same month as a film with far more recognizable actors and was
advertised and teased for four years. Who in the f*%#$%& hell decided this was a good business decision?
Now that that's out of the way onto business: don't go see Battleship.
I'm not saying this as a review, as I haven't seen the movie yet. But
honestly, will I even have to? We all know what's going to happen:
- CGI pornogrophy destroying major cities
- A rebellious protagonist who learns self control and humility during the crisis in order to become a strong leader. (Even though it will cost millions o lives to teach him that lesson)
- A hot chick who cannot really act
- And lastly, giving a hand job to the United States armed forces (in this case, the US Navy)
( And no, I am not nor have I ever been anti-military. I've even thought
of joining a branch of my home country's armed forces, and still find
my heart taken away by stories of men answering the call to protect the
land they love.)
Now all of the factors above (save for the non-acting hot girl) could
all work if not for one factor: it is under the influence of the works
of MICHAEL FUCKING BAY.









