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Well everyone. It’s back. The blog that everyone loves to hate (although I prefer to think of it as the blog that everyone hates to live, inaccurate as that may be given the 12 bags of hate mail), that’s right everyone, it’s time to stay Up Late, with me, the Ayatollah of Getting-his-hole-a, the Commanding Officer Of Coitus, that’s right it’s me, MR SMOOTH! I’ve received plenty of questions from you all and seeing as you all hang on my every word, I will take some time out of my busy schedule of sex and Miami Vice to answer some of them. Let’s begin;

1. MY husband has admitted having sex with at least a dozen prostitutes. A medium has told me he will never change and our marriage is over. What do you think Mr Smooth, would you take him back, even though the forces of the universe tell me not to? Latrina Frankford - Latrina honey, let’s be honest, your marriage is over. If your husband needs to go to prostitutes (and 12 at that) then clearly there is something you’re not giving him, that being sex, or just because you’re hideously ugly and he can’t bear the sight of you. But it’s probably not the later. Probably. But who cares Latrina! Now you have no pesky husband who can’t satisfy you sexually, you can just do what the fuck ever you want. He hires 12 prostitutes, you hire 20! AT THE ONE TIME! Go on Latrina, just live your life to the extreme and show that husband what he’s missing. And before you know it he’ll come crawling back. Then you can tell him its over.

2. MY girlfriend moaned to a couple of mates after I had a sexual blip. Now I'm having sex with one of these friends and a much younger woman – but still can't perform with my partner. What do you think my problem is Mr Smooth? Michal Melencamp - I’m going to refer you to my previous answer and say that it’s probably because she’s hideously ugly. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, I mean, you’re sexing up a younger friend of hers? Dude, that’s like 20 points in the Smooth Scale of Relationships. That’s copyrighted, so don’t be using that idea thieves. But still, just ditch the girlfriend man; you have a younger, hotter penis receptacle to be using. And you should use her to the full.

3. I AM having a fling with an old school friend. She's acting like she is in love with me but I'm only interested in the sex. How should I tell her? Rhett Capraro - Smack her across the face and tell that bitch what’s what. I mean, relationships are just so boring and monotonous. Why just go out with one woman for a sustained period of time when you could go out with numerous at the one time, with no strings attached! If you’ve read my guide on relationships, that goes into the subject in more detail, but in brief, a big no to relationships that last over a week. If you want to go for a gentler approach then just text her saying “Dear (insert name here) I only want to fuck you. Keep your feelings to yourself. Regards.” And that’s everything sorted.

John Woo's The Killer is the best film I've seen in my entire life. I mean, its not good in the ball-tingling sort of way that Night Of The Giving Head was, but it is still my favourite film in the history of ever. That's right everyone, I like it more than On Her Majesty's Secret Service, something I do not say very fucking often. So I've decided to take a break from my Pulitzer Prize winning blogs about women and hating on James Bond films to write this short tribute to my favorite film of all time, and my favorite director. I hope you enjoy.

John Woo will probably be best known to you filthy Westerners for dumb but AWESUM action films like Hard Target, Face Off, Mission Impossible 2, Broken Arrow and...does Paycheck count? No, no it doesn't. The key trademarks of these films were the slow mo gun fights, with plenty of what is known as "guns akimbo" (using two guns at the one time, which is very difficult, but way cooler), as well as basically all having the same plot. Good guy and his girlfriend go up against some sort of villain, who among other things, likes to spread the scenery onto a cracker and chow down on it in full view of the audience. Yeah, most films are like this, but its very obvious in the John Woo Hollywood period. Oh yeah, and he did Blackjack, which is about a former US Marshal turned PI and bodyguard with a...fear of the colour white? Starring Dolph Lundgren? Yeah, it sucks as hard as it sounds.

However, what may come as a surprise to most people is that before he came to America, he did a lot of films that had those mysterious things known as "plots", all of which I find to be far superior to his American works. Except Hard-Boiled (probably the film best known to American audiences at that point), that was just about the awesome gun fights. WHICH IS WHY IT'S FUCKING AMAZING! Probably the best example, other than The Killer, would be A Better Tomorrow, which is more of a melodrama than an action film, centering on two brothers on opposite sides of the law who have to over come the problems that they have with each other, before teaming up to take down the gang boss who is ruining the criminal brother's life. Of course, they do that in a massive gun fight, but still, IT HAS SOME SEMBLANCE OF A PLOT! Another key factor in what I think makes these films awesome is the acting qualities of Chow Yun Fat, the Chinese George Lazenby. He's smooth, he's cool, and most of all, he looks awesome in a pair of sunglasses. Definitely my third favourite actor of all time, after George and Sir Phil Collins (shut up, I like Buster!). Many people know him as "that Asian action guy" but he has so much more range than that, never more clearly than in The Killer, but I'll get to that. He has an ability to go from cheery, funny character to someone who'll kill you before you can bat an eyelid. Talentless assholes like Channing Tatum wish they could be Chow Yun Fat.

Now, let's get to the film itself. The plot, in brief, is about a noble Triad assassin named Ah Jong, who at the start of the film carries out a hit on a nightclub owner. However, during the gunfight, he accidentally damages the eyes of a smokin' hot lounge singer named Jennie. Riddled with guilt over harming an innocent, Ah Jong befriends Jenny and eventually they begin to fall in love with one another. Thus, Ah Jong decides to do one last hit, in exchange for HK$ 10 million, he agrees to kill a businessman during a boat race. It is through this hit that he comes into contact with maverick policeman Inspector Li, who had been told to guard the businessman due to his superiors being tired of his beingamaverick-ness. Of course, being a badass, Ah Jong kills the businessman, but Li follows him as he escapes on his speedboat. Due to meet his contact on a nearby beach, Ah Jong is instead greeted by other assassins. In the awesome gunfight with these guys, a little girl is injured, and Ah Jong drives her to a hospital, whilst still being followed by Li and his partner Tsang Yeh. Ah Jong escapes them at the hospital, but Li becomes intrigued by his opponent and his strict moral code. He may be a killer, but he seems like an okay guy.

It will come as no surprise to you all that I love James Bond. My whole life has been greatly influenced by him ever since I stared up in awe at the sultry charms of Sir George Lazenby in On Her Majesties Secret Service, to the point where I even set up my own terrorist organisation called SMOOTH in order to meet a real-life James Bond, kill him and wear his face. Sadly, that never happened and I blew up Paris for nothing. NOW WHERE AM I TO TAKE WOMEN ON OUR SECOND DATE?! But if any of you read my review of Moonraker (and if you haven’t you should go back and do it because I’m telling you to), I do have my fair share of problems with the franchise, not entirely centred on that smug bastard Roger Moore’s portrayal of my icon (still not bitter that he beat me to the part, then married my ex-wife). In fact, one of the other films I have severe problems with is Licence to Kill, which starred my second favourite James Bond of all time, Timothy Dalton. His debut as Bond had been, in a word, phenomenal, bringing a real grit and determination to the character, basing his character more on the Bond in the novels (which Winston is currently reading me before my bed time), which was a real relief after the campy absurdity which plagued the Moore era. So yes everyone who creams their pants over Daniel Craig darker Bond, TIMOTHY DALTON DID IT FIRST.

However, in the same way that everyone says Quantum of Solace was too dark to be a James Bond film, even that can’t hold a candle to License to Kill in terms of gritty, dark realism and sometimes shocking violence. I know that lots of people love this film because of how dark it is, and the interesting ideas which are explored in it, but I have one fairly major criticism: THIS IS NOT A JAMES BOND MOVIE. Seriously, I refuse to believe that this was a film written with the James Bond character in mind. Some screenwriter probably came up with an outline for a similar film, and some asshole producer probably said “Hey, why don’t we just put James Bond in it? He’s popular. Hello millions of dollars…” This just doesn’t feel like a James Bond film. I know I complained earlier of  how stupid the Roger “I’m a dick who is also gay” Moore films had become, but that was something we had come to expect, a big ol’ slice of campy pie. The thing that The Living Daylights did beautifully was bridge the gap between the silly Moore era and the darker, more adult Dalton era. But seeing as that worked somewhat, they decided to just rush into this darker, far more adult picture, which would have come as a shock to a lot of people who had been brought up on the Roger Moore films. Way to alienate some of your fans James Bond producers.

As I say, this just doesn’t feel like a James Bond film. James Bond doesn’t fight drug dealers, he fights insane billionaire industrialists who want to take over the world for ill-defined reasons. This isn’t an episode of Miami Vice, although if it was it would probably be the best episode of Miami Vice (something which I do not say lightly), this is a James Bond film. WHY ISN’T THIS DRUG DEALER USING THE SALE OF DRUGS TO FUND A TAKEOVER OF THE WORLD?! It just sucks a little bit to go from great villains like Blofeld and Auric Goldfinger, to a simple drug dealer, not that Robert Davi doesn’t give a great performance as Sanchez, but he just isn’t a really memorable Bond villain. If you’re not sure of what the plot is, I’ll give you the clip notes. Bond and Felix Leiter stop a drug dealer selling drugs I presume and arrest him, even though, hilariously, it’s Felix’s wedding day. So after the wedding, Sanchez escapes en-route thanks to some dirty cop guy who dies like five minutes later, rapes (?!) and kills Felix’s wife, and puts Felix in a shark pit where his leg is bitten off. Seriously, this is meant to be a James Bond film and you’re not only having a vicious rape and murder within the first twenty minutes, but also maiming a long-standing supporting character. There is such a thing as just being dark for the sake of being dark.

So James of course comes back to Felix’s to find him and his wife dead. When he tells M that he wants to go after Sanchez, but M correctly points out that this is a matter for the American authorities. Of course, Bond accepts this and returns to England…by which I mean, he attacks M and his fellow agents and goes off on a rampage of revenge against Sanchez (spouting off the genuinely awesome one-liner “Well then, a farewell to arms when M demands his gun back). Did I mention that James is a bit of dick in this film? I mean, he’s a complete jackass. But we’ll get to that in a moment. So Bond decides to go undercover in Sanchez’s organisation, which seems to specialise in general criminal dealings, such as dealing drugs, which is somewhat unsurprising given that he is a drug dealer, and stealing stinger missiles to shot down a US passenger jet, because they had to pull something out of their ass to make Sanchez more of a threat. Also, there’s some sort of sub-plot about a CIA Agent, and handy love interest, Pam Bouvier (no relation to Marge) trying to convince Sanchez’s lieutenant Heller to hand back the stinger missiles. However, James manages to balls that up in his mindless quest for revenge, and ends up getting Heller impaled on a forklift. I told you this film was kind of violent. Also, there’s some Hong Kong policemen who are trying to arrest Sanchez on drug-related charges, but once again, JAMES FUCKS UP THE CAREFULLY PLANNED OPERATION AND GETS THEM ALL KILLED. You know, if James had taken M’s advice, Sanchez would have been arrested eventually and probably executed. But no, you had to be a complete douchehole.

Good evening one and all, and welcome back to Smooth Manor with me, your host and presenter of recently cancelled children's show, Mr. Smooth's Lovelevator (seems you can't show children naked women or hardcore penetrative sex, although I maintain it was informative), Mr. Smooth...of course. Recently, I was invited to do an interview with well-known feminist magazine Feminism Monthly. Of course, I'm not one to ever say no to a woman, so I agreed to take part. However, I MAY have made some ill-judged comments about women, feminism, lesbianitis, and the like, comments which I apologise for, despite them all being completely true. Because you all worship me as a God amongst mere mortals, I have decided to share this interview with you so that you can make up your own mind about it, and ignore the massive media backlash which has called me "a sexist pig", "scum", "clearly a repressed homosexual" (WHICH I'M NOT) as well as calling for my public execution. But I'll stop talking now, and let you all have a look for yourself.

Question: Mr. Smooth, being a well-renowned ladies man, what is your personal view on feminism?

Mr. Smooth: Well, feminism is a nice idea, what with all that female equality and what not, but let's be honest, it's never going to work is it? Men are superior to women in just about every way. The main difference being that men are  far more intelligent than women, which makes them gooder at going out, getting the better jobs and thus earning more money. I mean, have you ever seen a woman in a position of power, like say, President Of The USA? No, because women should be where they belong, in my bedroom, waiting me to come home so they can attend to my needs.

Question: You do realize that what you just said was INCREDIBLY sexist?

Mr. Smooth: I wouldn't say it was that sexy, but whatever turns you on baby.

I have returned to you beloved followers. That's right, Up Late With Mr. Smooth is back, hosted as always by me, The Sultan Of Smooth-Talking, The Laird Of Love-Making, The Duke Of Doing-It, MR. SMOOTH! If you didn't applaud or cry as you read that, please leave now. First of all, I must deeply apologize for being away for so long, as you see, I was recovering from a very difficult break-up...difficult in the sense that she paralyzed me from the waist down with a carving fork. I am of course fine now, thanks to my team of medical experts, but it got me thinking about my life. And so I must make a second, far more heartfelt apology, to all of those people whom I slept with and never called again, as I can see now that I may have caused you some severe emotional trauma. I'm sorry Leanne, Bronwyn, Emma, Beth, Anna, Megan, Josephine, Danielle, Sean, Darren, Liam, Christopher, Eamonn, John, Peter, Jordan, Melvin, Kieran, Ross... Hahahaha, you know I can't even finish it I care so little. I LOVE MY LIFE OF MEANINGLESS SEX! Now, let's get to your questions;

1. Mr Smooth! Love the blog, I've learned so much. I was wondering though, are you sure the best way to meet a women is to...you know...act like a dick? Bryon Brozina.

Now Bryon, listen to me, when it comes to women, I think I know what I'm talking about. Women's minds work differently to men's. If you do something bad, then a woman will think you're doing something good, whilst if you do something good then they'll think you're doing something bad. This is a scientifically proven fact. So if you act like the biggest dick since the dawn of time, women will just throw themselves at you, demanding you make sweet love to them right there and then. If you think I'm being sexist, THEN FUCK YOU, IT'S SCIENCE!

Hello once again one and all, and welcome back to Up Late With Mr. Smooth, with me, your beloved host and in general, a God among mere mortals, Mr. Smooth. Apologies for making you all wait a whole week for this latest installment, but I was in a terrible accident. See, after breaking up with my latest girlfriend using the old "I had sex with your grandmother" excuse, she took it upon herself to steal my car keys and then run me other repeatedly. Needless to say, she broke my spine in several places meaning I had to spend the week in hospital. But I'm out now, sporting an incredibly sexy wheelchair which makes me look like a cross between Ironside and Casanova, so I thought that I would arrange something special for my devoted fans. That's right everyone, it's what you've all been waiting for: A GUIDED TOUR TO SMOOTH MANOR. In text form.

Smooth Manor was built my great-grandfather shortly after he had made his first million from his heroin business (yeah, Iceland used to have some very lax drug laws), mainly so he had somewhere nice to keep and refine his stash, as well as so he could have enough room for his wife and 17 children. You're right everyone, sexual prowess does run in my family. It has been in possession of my family ever since, being passed down from the eldest son to his eldest son and so on, or in my case, the second eldest son if the actual eldest son commits suicide with an axe to the face. So it has been my own fortress of solitude, a place where I live a simple, modest life. Aided immeasurably by my large serving staff. And constant rotating door of sexy ladies. I LOVE MY LIFE! Now let's get this tour started.

The first room we come to is my living room, where I spend most of my days, watching Miami Vice on my 4ft by 3ft sized plasma screen television and calmly sipping a glass of fine scotch. Yes, my couch is made from the greatest fabric known to man, velour. Which is also incredibly comfortable. And then on the floor, we have this fine rug made from real puma. Of course, I killed this puma my self. Well technically Winston killed him, but I was there and it was my gun he was using. Then Winston tried to shoot me for some reason...still hasn't forgiven me for sleeping with his wife.

Then we come to my general leisure film, where I have my pool table, which I occasionally play with one of my Smoothettes, who are basically my live in girlfriends (if you're interested in becoming one visit my website www.mrsmooth.org), but mostly I use the table for some wild, crazy sexy times if the bed becomes too tedious. I don't like the friction burns I get on my ass however.  I also have a pinball machine, an Xbox 360, a PS3, and of course, my pride and joy, my record collection. Ah, the times I've spent in here listening to the smooth vocals of Phil Collins, Tears For Fears and INXS, either with a lady or without. Then there's my giant poster of Phil Collins, because as we all know, HE IS A GOD AMONG MERE MEN. Also there's my DVD collection, but I'm not allowed to describe it to you, seeing as some of this material is VERY illegal. Actually, forget I ever mentioned the DVD collection! Yes Montgomery you can borrow Chicks With Dicks 3. Wait, why did I type that. Oh dear Lord...

Ah, next is my office. Jesus, I haven't been in here for years. Look at these stacks of papers and bank statements. Damn, seems Pablo has been charging prostitutes to my credit cards again. Yes...Pablo. Let's move swiftly on. 

The 3^rd and final part of Mr Smooth’s Moonraker review is brought to you by Cecil B Smoothington's No-Regrets Whiskey. 167 proof. Because you would have regretted tonight anyway.

Jaws takes James to Drax, who you would think would be rather pissed off that his super mega secret base has been discovered, but given Michael Lonsdale’s “I don’t give a crap” acting method, it’s difficult to tell. Bond see’s four Moonraker shuttle’s blasting off (which no other government notices somehow) and so he very politely asks Drax why did he steal the Moonraker? Oh yeah, that was part of the plot. I had forgotten about it amidst all that riveting glass talk. Drax explains that his own personal Moonraker fleet had developed a minor fault, so he needed to steal the Moonraker back from the Americans and kill three innocent people. Why did he not just ask for it back in his position of respected entrepreneur? But Drax finally decides to get rid of Bond, although he does so with quite an awful one-liner:

Hugo: Mr. Bond looks cold. Take him somewhere he is guaranteed of warmth.

Jesus Drax, if you’re going to be a Bond villain of some note, you’re going to need snappier one-liners than that. If you hadn’t worked it out, this means that Drax want’s James to be placed under the rocket launch pad so he will be incinerated. Well, that’s not the worst plan ever. Although he does forget TO FUCKING TIE HIM UP SO HE CAN’T ESCAPE. James is reunited with Holly, because…what’s the point in killing her with say a bullet to the head when he has this elaborate death trap so nicely set up?

To cut a long story short, James and Holly escape the rocket launch by blowing open a conveniently placed air vent and using it to crawl away. Thank God this giant rocket has a ridiculously short backdraft or James could have been in a little bit of trouble here. So James and Holly beat up a couple of Drax’s pilots and steal their uniforms (which are an ultra conspicuous yellow colour) before boarding Moonraker 6, which takes them to Drax’s personal space station. Good God I wish I could stop this review right here, because this is just when the film becomes just about fucking unbearable to watch. But alas, I am a man of my word and I will finish what I have started. So yes, this is the beginning of the section of the film IN SPACE. You’re fucking right I just said that.

PREVIOUSLY ON MR. SMOOTH’S MOONRAKER REVIEW: This film sucked the big one.

AND NOW, THE EXCITING CONTINUATION!

So now that the whole gondola sequence is over, James decides to do some more sleuthing in the glass factory, putting on his sneakiest outfit, a black flannel shirt and some black trousers. Wow James, you’re invisible now! In the glass factory, he manages to follow a stereotypical mad scientist to an ultra super mega secret laboratory, which seems to have a keypad which conveniently forms a whimsical tune when the correct keys are pressed. Because…it’s a secret lab? So James breaks into the lab and hides under a table (thank God for all that secret agent training) whilst the mad scientists do…sciency things which mainly consists of putting beakers into glass containers then into weird mechanical spheres. When the scientists conveniently leave the lab, James takes one of the test tubes, which surprisingly doesn’t reveal all of its secrets when he holds it up to a light. But the mad scientists return, so James runs away and hides under the table again. Thank God we have him to protect us from Drax’s evil schemes. Suddenly one of the silly old scientists drops one of the beakers, which releases some kind of nerve gas, which kills both of the scientists instantly, but leaves the rats they kept in the lab perfectly safe…because that’s how nerve gas works.

So James leisurely walks out of the lab, where he is ambushed by Chang, who uses kendo because…he’s Asian? Eventually they come into the glass museum, where, you guessed it, THEY HAVE A COMEDIC FIGHT SCENE WHERE THEY SMASH EVERYTHING! Wow, this scene is so hackneyed and stupid you expect James Bond to say “You break it you bought it”. GO ON, WE KNOW YOU WANT TO!!! So eventually Chang and James come to a bell tower, which was there for some reason, where Chang attempts to strangle Bond with a chain. Maybe he should have done that in the first place instead of all the kendo bullshit. Anyway, Bond throws him through the glass clock face. Aw man, not another pointless character.

After that breath-taking action sequence, James decides to break into Holly Goodhead’s room now. And once again, the potential rape situation only seems to turn her on all the more as she also succumbs to his charms. But this isn’t until after Bond discovers that she is a…CIA AGENT! That was a rather unnecessary twist. So they sort of decide to work together, but when they’re done bumping uglies, James randomly decides to leave? And she leaves as well? You fucking idiots, WORKING TOGETHER WAS THE FIRST GOOD IDEA IN THIS FILM!

Hello once again, and welcome back to Smooth Manor with me, one of the world’s most renowned ladies men, Mr Smooth, with yet another instalment of Up Late with Mr Smooth. Last week, I received an a letter from a fan, which asked me a very interesting question;

Dear Mr Smooth, why oh why do you post your blogs on That Guy with the Glasses, a site mainly for internet reviewers, when they do not contain any reviews whatsoever? P.S. you’re a fuckhandler – Julio Poulsen

After briefly thinking to myself “Fuck you Julio, you son of a whore”, I later decided that I would accept his challenge and review a film, because, let it never be said that Cecil B Smoothington shirks a challenge. What film? I can almost hear you ask. Well, let me take you back. I’ve always been a fan of the James Bond film series, in fact these films are what have inspired me to become the man I am today, something which the entire world should be grateful for. My clear favourite was the powerhouse “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”, sadly the only James Bond film to display the charm and sophistication of the world’s greatest actor, George Lazenby. I still honour him by having him as my display picture.

Now to my least favourite James Bond film, and the film I have chosen to review; Moonraker. Moonraker was the James Bond series attempt to cash in on the burgeoning popularity of the Star Wars film series, filling it with space battles and laser gun action. And it also has a very familiar plot, but it’s not taken from the Star Wars films. Of course not, why it’s the EXACT SAME PLOT AS THE SPY WHO LOVED ME A.K.A. THE FUCKING LAST JAMES BOND FILM!!! God I hate this fucking film, but at least I get to share my misery from watching this 121 minutes of bullshit with my devoted followers. So, let’s dive in;

The film begins with a plane transporting a space shuttle named Moonraker (cos they had to fit in the title somehow) to America. But unbeknownst to the crew, two men in black have managed to secrete themselves on board…somehow, and steal the space shuttle. The pilots are confused as to what is going on (with the flashing “Ignition” symbol not giving them enough warning it seems) but it doesn’t matter as they’re blown to pieces as the shuttle speeds off.

Hello once again faithful readers, it is I, your host, the man once considered for the role of James Bond in Live And Let Die (yet another role Roger Moore beat me to, the son of a whore), Mr. Smooth and welcome back to another edition of Up Late With Mr. Smooth. It hasn't been the greatest week I've ever had, as it turned out I will have to serve time for the small matter of the several murders I "supposedly" committed many a year ago, although thanks to my team of highly-trained lawyers I got my sentence reduced to five days. Take that legal system! Also, my divorce from my second wife finally became official, sending me into a spiral of depression involving watching The Disney Channel whilst lying in my bath tub and crying. God, she was acceptably hot. Now, to cheer myself up, I've decided to answer some of the questions you people have been sending in to me. Yes, I know that my Top 7 list last week was ridiculously well-received (it got 3 stars goddammit!), but I've decided to return to the Q&A format, because, you know, it's easier. Let's get started:

1. Dear Mr. Smooth, are the rumours that you murdered your first wife true? Elden Eznerack.

...you know what, fuck the questions! I've had enough of your accusations, abuse and death threats motherfuckers, NO MORE QUESTIONS THIS WEEK! Let's do another Top 5! And to answer your question, I still maintain that she ran into my knife...eleven times. And then I dropped my chainsaw on her body by mistake. And then someone broke into my house and put her remains in an acid bath. If a jury is stupid enough to believe that story, then it must be true.

So this week, we are going to be looking at the Top 5 Most Awkward Places To Be Caught Making Sweet Monkey Love (in my experience). Why Top 5 you ask? Because I only thought of the idea 2 seconds ago, and I can't think of more than 5. So let's get started...again;

5. The Confessional Box Of A Convent