Ok in these few months while I was trimming my toenails, picking my nose, fixing some minor damage that recent flood bestowed to my neck of woods (but mainly picking my nose) I thought about writing something about Michel Bay and “The Bayboys” (my pet name for people from Platinum Dunes). But there was new Transformers movie looming on horizon and I knew there will be long line of critics, bloggers, rageholics and domesticated internet users waiting to take turn on good old spanking paddle and share their love on Bays virtual buttocks. So I (correctly I might add) reckoned there was nothing of note I had to bring for that particular party and smartest thing to do would be to grab some snacks and beer pull up my comfiest chair and just enjoy the show. I did just that and I have to say, you ladies and gents of the web know how to throw good old shindig, like in olden times when lousy artist were escorted from the stage with the help of rotten food and broken bottles, my hat goes down to you (or it would if I ever decided to wear one), even to those few gentle souls that from sidelines urged you not to aim for the face since even lousy artist need to make a living. Unfortunately outside the web in filthy, filthy real world said artists raked millions and millions of dollars just like they always do and will continue doing until finally their core audience wise the fuck up and make one of their atrocities bomb so hard that sheer financial loss will serve like a cautionary tale for decades to come. But that of course is just the wishful thinking. Well why am I now crawling from under my rock and hoping on this virtual soapbox? Teenage Mutant Ninja Abominations of course!!! Well actually there were two events that led me to finally crap out this piece of literary vomit. First would be movie review from Chris Stuckmann, he's one of the people down in “New Guys” section, anyway I found said review on his YouTube channel since it’s still not here ,channel itself is pretty damn good by the way (God, irony of me promoting someone else…somewhere patron saint of internet personalities is silently weeping). Second event was Doug’s video that you can find (and probably already did) under his Bum Review video. Separately they reached through my instinctive anger and made me realize that TMNT was goofy from its beginnings and also had its own quality issues over their various runs. Also while we’re on the subject of “various runs”, it’s not like this was long forgotten franchise, it’s never been longer then few years between different iterations of the turtles. So what is that “something” in this version that would compel me to walk from person to person that had hand in this monstrosity and bite their noses of…one nose every time movie piss me off and if I run out of noses I would move to ears (and gods know I would run out of noses) ?? Well my best guess would be that because this is just last addition to the fallowing list:
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2 movies)
The Amityville Horror
Friday the 13th
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Transformers (4 movies)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
What each of these movies has in common is that every one of them is one of cherished memories from my childhood and second one is that each and every one of them was, to greater or lesser degree, skullfucked by Bay and the company. I’m not gonna pretend that all these movies in its original form were timeless classics but all of them had influence in the genre they inhabited. So my ... dissatisfaction is not something that just popped up one morning while I was opening my beer and noticed it was piss warm, it took eleven movies stretched over 7 franchises for me to actually get angry. I’m not even angry because they handling source material with all dignity somebody would give to piece of shit that accidentally stuck to his shoe. I’m angry because it’s working for them; every time “The Bayboys” flop Big Daddy Michael is there to wipe their tears with some of that Transformers cash, so they will just keep going. There is no shortage of 80’s movies and series that somebody, somewhere find dear to the heart and marketable just enough for somebody to fling few hundred millions Bays way, no need for original fucking thought at all. Smooth sailing into eternity. I see in my crystal balls Michael Bay discarding shriveled body of Optimus Prime and making franchise out of He-man And The Masters Of The Universe while Platinum Dunes will reboot Halloween franchise (I mean if Spidermen can be rebooted twice in a decade why Michael Myers couldn’t).