Da Pro: Lousy Villains We Adore 4: Dick Dastardly
Hello. My name is Richard Milhous Dastardly, and this is Dick Dastardly's "Deliciously Wicked and Unscrupulous Villains We Worship ". Featuring me, Dick Dastardly, to talk about a...
LOUZY VILLIN WEE ADORE
...Hmm? What's this? I wonder who taught that silly how to read. Here, let me fix this. MUTTLEY!
DELICIOUSLY WICKED AND UNSPRUCULMSIBAOUS VILLAINS WE WORSHIP
Drat! And double drat!... stupid dog. Well, how could I describe myself? I became famous when I started participating in the Wacky Races in my extra-mean Mean Machine, with my sidedog Muttley, a snickering, floppy-eared hound that's never around when courage is needed. He's lazy, foul-mouthed, and only cares about medals and daydreaming - and yet people really seem to like him and his annoying laugh.
Despite our trickery, us, the double-dealing do-badders, never managed to win one race! I mean, I won once, but I was disqualified! Such indignity! People tell me a lot of times that instead of going out of my way to make vile schemes and wicked traps, I should race honestly, since my Mean Machine is actually pretty fast. I say they don't get it.
After many attempts to win a Wacky Race, I was employed by the General to join the Vulture Squadron. Our mission was to catch Yankee Doodle Pigeon. Pretty easy, no?
No!
That pigeon is the devil! Of course, my companions weren't very helpful. That stupid Zilly is always scared of everything.
And Klunk kept inventing devices that were crafty, but useless. Also, I never understand what he's saying, because he speaks funny.
Either way, our airplanes would usually collide while we were chasing the pigeon. That Muttley, he can fly by spinning his tail like an helicopter. Like usually, whenever I was falling from the wreckage of Klunk's new contraption, I would scream "Muttley, do something!", but he only helped me if I gave him a medal. Good-for-nothing.
After being fired by the General, I started looking for buried treasures. But Yogi Bear would always find them before me. Curses! Foiled again!
Also... wait, was that Yankee Doodle Pigeon? Forgive me, I have a feeling this time I'll catch it for good! Bye, folks!
