Why hello, dear friends and bloggers. My name is Da Pro, and tonight I will talk about a certain someone. He is evil. He doesn't understand money very well. He loves his tiny clone more than he loves his son. Who might that certain someone be? Well, it's Dr. Evil, of course! Austin Power’s arch-nemesis and, truly, a…

LOUZY VILLIN WEE ADORE

*someone knocks at the door*

Da Pro: Hmm… I wonder who that may be.

*Da Pro gets up from his couch and answers the door”

DP: NOTYETUSEDNAME? This is quite the surprise! Do come in. To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?

NYUN: I heard a rumor you were going to do a tribute to a lousy villain that I adore! Seeing the fun we had collaborating on reviewing 5 Prime Time Peanuts Holiday Specials:

http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/community/blog/20460

http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/community/blog/20810

http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/community/blog/21222

http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/community/blog/22926

http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/community/blog/24570

(Seriously, folks! These reviews were completely composed of win-check 'em out*SHAMELESS PLUG*) I thought it would be a hell of a lot of fun to do another blog with you.

DP: That’s actually a very good idea! Those blogs were awesome to do and, and I urge our readers to go check them out. They won’t be disappointed! Now, please follow me to the Evil Conference Table, where we shall discuss the wicked Dr. Evil.

*DP and NYUN go to DP’s Evil Conference Table and sit down*

DP: So, on Dr. Evil… wait, before we start this, where are my manners? Can I offer you something to drink?

NYUN: Hey....what's with the trap door under this chair?...and is that burning flesh I smell?

DP: Oh no, the trapdoor's a mere... hmm... decoration. And I'm pretty sure that burning flesh smell is nothing. Moving on... how would you define Dr. Evil, my friend? We better be completely honest now, before he arrives for the interview.

NYUN: I'd say he's the equivalent of taking Ernst Stavro Bloefeld from the James Bond series, and running him through the Benny Hill filter and adding a voice that sounds suspiciously like Ed Sullivan, to produce a villain who's completely ridiculous and over-the-top cliche who, in spite of his cluelessness, always manages to put the world over a barrel and threatens the fate of humanity unless a tidy sum is paid in ransom (The amount of which is ALWAYS funny).

DP: I agree. He is one of the greatest James Bond villain parodies I’ve even seen, possibly the best. He takes all those clichés like the “unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism” (into a tank of ill-tempered mutated sea bass), things we (used to) see so much in movies and that make absolutely no sense in real life,  and turns them into almost a dogma! I suppose that worked when he was an evil genius in the 60ies, but now things work differently. For one, there’s the inflation!

NYUN: LOL absolutely, he's got a legitimate corporation that makes millions of dollars, thanks to Number 2 (a hilariously deadpan Robert Wagner) but he is so obsessed with master plans to, you guessed it, Take over the world(OF COURSE!), that he's stuck in the '60s as surely as his nemesis, Austin Powers(Mike Myers) is.

DP: But just what makes Dr. Evil so awesome, despite his lousiness? Is it his accent? His looks? His clumsiness and lack of wit? That thing he does with his pinky? Or maybe just the fact he looks darn cute when he needs a hug? Maybe we should ask the man himself, Mr. Evil!

*a man in gray enters the room petting a furless cat, and sits at the Evil Conference Table too.*

Dr. Evil: It's Dr. Evil, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much.

DP: Yes, Dr. Evil, of course. How could I make such a mistake? So, Dr., would you like to tell us a bit about your early life?

Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.

DP: Yes, no need to discuss that any further… I think that your life story was amazingly funny – and that your accent and tics add a lot to Dr. Evil as a character, wouldn’t you say, NYUN?

NYUN: Yep, that had me smiling alright. So DR. Evil....Why the elaborate cryogenic freezing/cloning experiments?

Dr. Evil: Yessssss the cryogenic freezing was a plan to outlive my nemesis, Austin Powers - he has MOJO that I couldn't defeat with my EVIL expertise, so I figured, why not outlive the little shit? (Of course the persistent twit went and froze himself too-but what can you do?) Also, on a plan B kind of thing, I left my blood samples to make clones of myself on the chance that I never returned from being frozen in space-really just being thorough.

DP: I see. That resulted in your son, Scott Evil. You relationship was troubled, yes?

Dr. Evil: At first, I was really disappointed with that little shit. He didn’t understand my ways. He was semi-evil. He was quasi-evil. He was the margarine of evil. He was the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough. I tried to kill him several times, but unsuccessfully. He's always been quite wily, like his old man.

DP: But that changed.

Dr. Evil:  We had group therapy a couple of times, but it didn’t work so well. They were insolent, so I liquidated them. I got myself a replacement, Mini Me, who is like me, only 1/8 my size.

DP: But your relation with Scott changed.

Dr. Evil: Will you even let me finish my story, you twit? One day, after I returned to my submarine lair after a nice stay in jail, I discovered he was going bald, and therefore evil! He even gave me a pool full of sharks with friggin’ laser beams on their heads! I was so happy! Mini-Me didn’t really like being replaced by Scott, though.

NYUN: One question I think everyone wants to know, Dr. Why does such an Evil Genius like yourself surround himself with friggin' idiots? Plus, why can't your underlings get sharks with friggin' laser beams attached to their heads? Your friggin’ son had to do it for you!

*Dr. Evil hits a switch on his master board. NYUN is flung backwards over his chair through huge gouts of flame! *

NYUN: ARGHHHHHH! IT BURNS!..... OUCH!........ Need.... Aloe... Vera... Lotion. OOOOOOHHH!.......*silence.*

DP: Dr. Evil, I’m sorry, but if you want to be interviewed you can’t just kill your … Nooo! Not into the trapdoor! IT BUUUUURNS!

*Dr Evil hits another switch, this time Da Pro is the one to be flung backwards into the trapdoor.*

DP: Eeeeeeeep! I mean, AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!...

Dr Evil: Well, readers, it seems this blog came to an unpredictable end! That’s what they get for being annoying twits. You’ll see me again in the news! Mwahahahaha! Mwahahahahaha! Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahaha! Mwhaha! Ha! Haha… hahaha.

*Dr. Evil looks around.*

Dr. Evil: Really, I still need to figure out what is a villain supposed to do when he stops laughing evily.

NYUN: *in a weak voice*....There's ways of ....disagreeing with someone...with RrrRespect and dignity......And...not...killing them!..........OUCH! my arm just fell off! and my eyes are bleeding..that can't be good....OH, here's someone opening the door-THANK YOU FOR RESCUING US I CA*Gunshot sound....silence* ...YOU SHOT ME!....YOU SHOT ME IN THE ARM! YOU SON OF A *Gunshot sound, then silence*

Dr. Evil: Also, if you have not yet seen the rest of the "Lousy Villains We Adore" blogs by the little shit I just liquidated, look for them here, but I am sure I'm eviler than any of these guys any day.

The Lousy Index

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Da Pro                                      NOTYETUSEDNAME                                 Dr. Evil