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Well, since I've talked about an average thriller and an excellent thriller, let me complete the trilogy by talking about a bad thriller. The Statement is the kind of bad film that is made by the most talented of people with the best of intentions. The result is an absolute disaster. It is also a massive flop to boot, taking home less than half the budget. Ouch. I bought the DVD in Poundland (a dollar store, Americans), so that should give you some idea of how wrong this movie really is.

Pierre Brossard (Michael Caine) is a Nazi war criminal. He has been protected for years by the church, where he has been practising as a devout Christian. However, that time is about to come to a close: hitmen hired by a mysterious agency have been hired to kill him, pinning the statement of the title on his cold, dead corpse. Meanwhile, an ambitious lawyer (Tilda Swinton) and her partner (Jeremy Northam) try to catch Brossard because they think they can get him to lead a mysterious government figure known as the Old Man (John Neville).

Let's not beat around the bush here: The Statement is a boring film. I don't say that lightly - I have the patience of a saint when it comes to films. I saw The Sentinel and Ocean's Twelve in theatres; I know exactly what I'm talking about here. The Statement fails as a thriller in the first degree because I was having trouble keeping awake, let alone being thrilled. I actually considered turning it off, but I thought to myself that I should keep going: this is my pound coin I spent, and I'm damn well going to learn from it. Masochist? Absolutely. The film falls into that who they are and why you should care syndrome I mentioned before very early on, and the grip of this disease becomes apparent well before the end. I know I like a bit more intelligence in action films, but at least they know when they need to blow shit up. Incidentally, the director is Norman Jewison, who made the original Rollerball, of all things. Half the time I wanted a big metal ball hit these people in the face so they would stop talking.

The first sign I knew this was going to be poor is in the opening scene depicting Brossard's crimes. Obviously they've hired a younger actor to play Brossard, but what made this scene unintentionally hilarious is that someone made an incredibly poor decision by having Michael Caine dub over the actor. The contrast is hilariously jarring. We have a young French actor dubbed by old cockney-accented Caine. What could have been an effective scene lies in ruins.

The thrills are really poor. The Statement is like The Fugitive mixed with The Da Vinci Code movie - looks quite pretty to look at (I counted more scenery shots than in the entire running time of The Assassination of Jesse James - a good hour longer than this movie, at least) but is incredibly unthrilling. In fact, it is far closer to the latter than the entertaining former. In a way, it shares a lot of traits with The Da Vinci Code. The first is the aforementioned hefty chunks of exposition, which are about as penetrable as lead. Similar to that film also is the poor quality of the supposed "action" scenes, which are shot so blandly you wonder if the entire crew took a sedative. Given that our runner in this case is a geriatric, you might jokingly expect him to cough and splutter at the slightest hint of anything strenuous. And you'd be right. In the opening sequence, Brossard, after shooting a would-be assassin, drags the body into the car he came from and pushes it down a hill. He then spents the next 10 minutes panting. I'm not joking. And we're expected to believe this man can evade assassins, one of whom is half his age. They're taking the piss, right?

A further similarity to The Da Vinci Code is an overwhelming sense of self-importance. At every turn, we are reminded that Brossard must be brought to justice or "the dead will never rest easy". It treats the idea that the church might be corrupt as shocking, rather than shockingly predictable. The film isn't sure whether it wants to be a full-blown chase thriller or a conspiracy drama, and as a result, it fails on both counts. The drama isn't interesting and the thrills are barely tepid. Rarely does the film show any sign of movement, a pivotal element in a chase, moving like a slug. Considering I like my thrillers tense and claustrophobic, this made me feel like I was watching a painted wall dry up.

The character of Brossard, if I am being honest, did interest me. It is easy to see why Caine, a veteran of bad projects, was attracted to this one at least. Brossard is a man who is haunted by his past and there is an element of guilt and redemption half-heartedly explores, but chickens out lest we become sympathetic with a Nazi. Caine is at his best, however, in his scenes where Brossard reveals his true heart: that of a bitter old racist. Unfortunately, these geniuely interesting aspects are only with the small scenes with the underused Charlotte Rampling. On the whole, Caine is definetly the best thing in this film.

The rest of the cast aren't so lucky. The supporting cast are a group of respected actors given absolutely nothing to do. They have their scenes and that's it. The only real exceptions are Tilda Swinton, who managed to annoy me somehow with her preachy dedication, and Jeremy Northam, who is incredibly flat. The ironic thing is that hours earlier I saw Northam as a body snatched person in The Invasion, and he played an emotionless body with more personality than the character he played here. Also, the majority of the actors are British, yet you'd be surprised to know that the film is set in France. No one even tries an accent, let alone speak the language. Brossard says about a plane ticket to Canada at one point "they speak French there, don't they?" I nearly laughed considering this version of France has everyone speak English. (interesting considering this is a co-production with France too) I merely snorted, since my coma was nulling my emotional responses.

The ending is an anti-climax beyond belief. I wish I could tell you, but since I try not to spoil a film, particualrly the end, even to a bad film, I'll just let you imagine the most yawn-worthy ending to a film of this nature. I didn't believe for a second Brossard would even turn to this person, conisdering how little he knew him. I know he's desperate, but since he lived in exile for several decades, you'd think he'd be a bit more cautious.

The Statement is an absolute failure as a thriller. It fails as a drama. It fails, period. Michael Caine gives a good turn, but there is no reason to subject yourself to this unless you're a bad movie fan or in dire need of sleep.

1.5/5

Oh, and if you live in the UK, newspaper the Daily Mail is giving this away on June 27th. If you are that curious, you can check it out that way. But I really wouldn't.