TGWTG User Blogs

http://www.youtube.com/user/BennettTheSage 

Let it be said that a film title can make or break a film. With a title like "Vampire in Brooklyn", what images are stirred in your mind? Thoughts of gangsta's trying to pop a cap in Bela Lugosi's blood sucking ass? Vampire gang wars between the Crypts and the...Bloods (I know I phoned in that last pun, but hey it works!)? No matter what you think up, it's always going to be cinematic crap. So...why in the world did producers think that a film based on Vamps in da hood would be a fantastic idea? Two words: Eddie Murphy.

Over the course of his career, we have seen his career rise (48 Hours, Beverly Hills Cop), and fall (Harlem Nights, Beverly Hills Cop III). Rise again (The Nutty Professor, Dr. Dolittle), only to fall (Holy Man (More like Holy SHIT), Bowfinger). Yet, he rose again (Shrek), and again he fell (The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Haunted Mansion, Daddy Day Care, Showtime, I Spy). But like the Phoenix, he rose from the ashes (Shrek 2, Dream Girls), and then was shot down (Norbit, Shrek the Third (to an extent)). The guy has died more times than Jason Voorhees, and yet he still has a career in hollywood?! HE'S NOT HUMAN I TELL YOU!

In any case, Vampire in Brooklyn was made between Beverly Hills Cop III and The Nutty Professor in 1996. Eddie's career, at that point, was on its last legs. Perhaps David Spade said it best: "Hey kids, it's a falling star! Make a wish!" So what did Eddie decide to do to jump start his almost dead Hollywood career? Get Vernon Lynch and his brother Charlie to help him write a script about a vampire who hid from the rest of the world in the Caribbean (Because we all know the best place for a vampire to hide out is in a place with near constant sun), and have horror legend Wes Craven to direct. At this moment, I'm betting you the reader are now feeling that sandwich you just had a few hours ago starting to come back up.

Now, I'm not the biggest fan of the whole vampire genre. I live in northern California, yuppie central. The only thing the kids around here have to do is try to rebel against their yuppie parents by dressing in black and painting their faces with white-out, listen to Trent Reznor, and pretend that they are "Children of the Night". I cannot tell you how many of these sad sacks roamed the halls of my high school looking like they were lining up to see a My Chemical Romance concert. As you can tell, the very thought of seeing a film that helped spawn this sort of nonsense culture, would be enough to put me in a state of catatonia. But when I saw Vampire in Brooklyn in the "Cult" section of my local art house indie video store, I knew it was a film that would take a collective shit on everything the little vampire pussies hold so dear. I HAD to see this film.

Now, Eddie Murphy as a vampire already sparks fits of laughter in anyone who hears that. What can possibly top this, the holy grail of stupid casting decisions? Ladies and gentlemen...I bring you, The Eddie Murphy Vampire MULLET!

Bask in its glorious aura.

Wow, 584 words into the review and almost no mention of the plot outside of a brief summary. I got to get to it or else this will start to read off like a Tom Clancy novel (which are often used by Mafioso to beat up dead beats when their brass knuckles are in the shop). Maximilian, (Murphy) is the last living (or is it un-living?) vampire on the face of the earth. In order to prolong his life, he must bed the last living dhampir (half-human, half vampire...all SEXY!), who just so happens to live in...you guessed it, Brooklyn. How does he travel all the way to New York from his humble abode in the Caribbean? How else? He stowaways on a freight boat that conveniantly makes trips to and from the many. many, remote islands in the Caribbean Sea for what appears to be no reason at all. And trying to keep the vampire mythos intact, Max has to travel while sleeping in a gigantic coffin with the cargo. Never mind the infeasability of this situation, what I want to know is how come the dumbass crew didn't question why they were carrying a large coffin to New York. But pouring this much thought into a movie like this is a fool's quest.

Anyway, the boat makes it to the harbor, and the guards at the dock become suspicious when the crew doesn't respond to the radio. Being the minimal wage earners that they are, they decide to investigate. And as predictable as the tides, they stumble upon the corpses of the crew, with strangely of all...bite marks on their necks! Oh no! While you are supposed to wonder what could have happened to these hapless mariners, the only thought coursing through any rational mind is "How the fuck did the boat dock with the crew dead?"

Eddie Murphy is probably the most inconsistent actor in the history of cinema. He plays the same character over and over again with slight tweaks here and there. Whenver he plays a new role, he always uses elements from his previous characters and tries to pass them off as new. For the role of Maximilian, it looks like Murphy took the accent from his character in Coming to America, with the witticisms of Axl Foley in 48 Hours. That's the problem with Eddie Murphy, its never Eddie Murphy as a character in a movie, but rather just Eddie Murphy in a movie. This makes him a great comedian, but a horrible actor. Want proof? Go watch Delerious, his stand up special. You will piss yourself laughing. Now go watch Beverly Hills Cop III...you'll see what I mean.

Recounting the events of this movie, Max eventually finds the dhampir, Rita Veder (no relation to Eddie Veder, though that would have been as awesome as it would be confusing), a detective assigned the task of investigating the string of deaths that follow Max. Veder, played by Angela Basset, is at first charmed by Max's suaveness. Well, as suave as you can be with a Jheri Curl mullet. But his attempts to seduce Veder are constantly being thwarted by Julius, Max's ghoul servent who is continually falling apart, making look like a black Gollum, and Justice, Veder's aptly named detective partner who has hidden feelings for her and has the charisma and presence of a cardboard cut out Jeff Goldblum.

From there, the plot sort of spirals further down into a septic pool of waste. Veder avoids Max's charms, Max instead goes after her best friend, kills her, Veder gets upset, Max comforts her, he turns her into a vampire, Justice somehow catches wind of all of this and tries to thwart Max, Max overpowers Justice, Veder, having a moment of clarity, kills Max with a stake through the heart, this somehow stops Veder from turning FULLY into a vampire and BAM! Credits.

Honestly, there isn't much more to this plot at all. At all. I'm being generous here by talking about this movie as long as I have. If you hate vampires and vampire movies, rent this film and remind yourself WHY you hate them.