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Welcome to my first blog about a subject I hold very dear to my heart: "Wood" movies. Aptly named after the late, and some may call great, director Ed Wood, I talk about movies that are so bad, so horrendous in its presentation, that one can't help but laugh. Be it because of actors hamming up their performances to the point of absurdity, writing that sounds like it was authored by a grade school drop out, or direction that can cause any sane man to put a gun between his teeth. I share a special relationship with these movies, and it is my hope to bring unto you some of the finest "wood" movies to ever grace the bargain bin at your local Circuit City.

When you talk about Phantom of the Opera, many people think about the melodramatic Broadway show that has grossed more than a BILLION dollars, or maybe the film adaptation of the Broadway show that has grossed more than a MILLION dollars. Some might even think of the classic Lon Chaney film made back in 1925 (for those that did, you knew those semesters studying film history weren't spent in vain, despite what your parents thought). But, almost no one would think of the Dario Argento slasher flick based on the classic story, but this man does.

Made back in 1998, the premise was simple: take the story of the Phantom of the Opera, turn the Phantom from a disfigured, musical genius/mad-man to a handsome, non-musical genius/mad-man. Can you feel that rumble? That's Gaston Leroux turning in his grave.

Julian Sands starred as the Phantom. You know, Julian Sands. The guy from Warlock? No, that not doing it for you? He was also the scientist guy in Arachnophobia. Still don't know who the hell I'm talking about? He was also in... *quickly goes off to IMDB* A Room with a View? Boxing Helena? Fine, be that way!

In any case, Sands plays the now handsome Phantom, who was abandoned by his parents and tossed into the sewers, where he was raised by rats that somehow grant him dark powers. You learn these juicy little tidbits only three minutes into the film, which has to be a record in the fastest time a film takes to shit on the original work the film is based on. Sure, Sands is a good actor, but no matter how good an actor is, if he's given a horrible script and has a monkey for a director, he's always going to come off as an amateur. Even if Lawrence Olivier was casted as the Phantom, he'd still win top honors at the Turd Film Festival, the only difference being that he would win it with a more believable accent.

Playing the love interest/object of the Phantom's twisted desire is Asia Argento as Christine Daaé. Its tough to say this, but as bad as Sands is in this film, poor Asia is infinitely worse. Its obvious she can't act, or sing for that matter, so it seems natural to cast her as an opera singer, right? Instead of using her god awful voice during her opera scenes, the makers of the film had the good notion to dub her voice out with a professional, but this choice has the unfortunate side effect of seeing Asia trying to lip sync Opera. She stands out on stage, chest out and eyes randomly shifting their gaze to all over the room. Its almost like she found a fly buzzing around the set and she can't stop herself from following it. Its also somewhat apparent that she isn't the one singing because her adam's apple doesn't move at all.

I wondered for days how Asia got the female lead. I at first thought about the tried and true method of sleeping with the director, but then I noticed the director, Dario Argento, had the same last name as her...so that theory clearly went out the window and was replaced by the second favorite hollywood method: nepotism. But considering that the Director casted his own daughter in a role he knew to have lengthy nude/sex scenes, maybe its a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B.

As I said before, Argento tried to make the story of the Phantom of the Opera into a slasher flick, but fails on every mark. You can obviously tell that the director earnestly tried to make this film scary, but the only scene that was scary at all was the scene where the Phantom rips open a fat woman's dress to expose her mis-shapen tit. Although scary for a different reason, it still prompted me to cover my eyes and screech.

Even with the god awful script and painful to watch acting, this film still does not reach the "So bad its funny" mark...until Ignace the rat catcher comes onto the screen. Case in point: after having his hand forcibly put into a rat trap by the Phantom (don't ask me how) and having rats strip off most of the flesh, he has it bandaged by a doctor. After removing the bandage to inspect the wound, Ignace exclaims with an almost child like exuberance, "Whoa...you can see the bone!" Never before that scene have I done a classic comedy spit-take, and hopefully, that will be the last time, since Diet Dr. Pepper is a bitch to get out of shag carpetting.

Just as I thought that the best was over, here comes Ignace again with a midget (the character is never named, so I'll travel the politically incorrect road and dub him "The Midget") and his new device to kill those blasted rodents: a rat killing machine that looks like a bumper car with lawnmower blades duct taped to the bottom. This thing looks like it goes about four miles an hour, but this thing can haul ass! The rest of the movie could have been Ignace mowing down rats with The Midget riding shotgun and I would have been happy. But, seeing as the director knows that would have been the smart choice, he decides to wreck the device and kill The Midget in the process. Damn you Argento...damn you!

To find enjoyment out of this movie, you have to know what you are getting into, but that's the same with every "wood" film. If you are like me, and you see this for rent at your local indie art house video store, pick it up and have yourself a good laugh. Though horrible in every sense of the word, it's still more watchable than that Joel Schumacher version. Whew, what a shit-fest.