TGWTG User Blogs

http://www.youtube.com/user/BennettTheSage 

A brief history lesson. Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, nick named Caligula because of the little soldiers uniform he wore as a child when he followed his father and his army into battle (Caligula roughly translates out to "little soldier's boot"), came into power in 37 A.D. His time as emperor is remembered for being exceptionally cruel towards both his people and the servants of his palace. Accounts state that he killed on a whim, prostituted his sisters, slept with other men's wives and later bragged about it, and demanded that everyone adress him as a god, to the point that he declared a statue to be erected of him in the Temple of Jerusalem. Of course, which stories of him are truth and which are merely historical gossip and fabrications is anyone's guess. The mystery surrounding his kingdom is fodder for Hollywood, since they do not have to worry about historical inaccuracies. They could feasibly make Caligula into a thirteen foot transvestite that wore Divine-esque makeup and got around by floating on a perpetual cloud of fart gas if they wanted to. Well, maybe not that far, but you get the idea.

On paper it sounds like a great idea for a movie. A biopic about a Roman Emperor whose insanity and lust for anything pleasurable knew no restraints. Of course, this being in the late 70's, where the Hays code had long gone out of effect and exploitation films were by no means uncommon, it was becoming harder and harder to shock people, and therefore get their undivided attention. So, logically, one must step up the ante, go for the jugular so to speak, and give the term "explicit" a whole new meaning. In comes Penthouse founder Bob Guccione to produce, Tinto Brass to direct, and multiple, multiple people to edit. What's the end result? A schlocky 70's film that looks like a schlocky 70's porn with great production sets.

Normally, in films like these, we see no name actors or maybe an actor or two from TV, but no one spectacular. This is where Caligula sets itself apart from every other bad film. We have Malcolm McDowell, Helen Mirren, and...PETER O'TOOLE?! That's right, Lawrence of fuckin' Arabia himself is in this god awful mess. And Helen Mirren? She won an academy award not too long ago for The Queen. However, Malcolm McDowell being in this film isn't surprising in the least. Hell, with this and Clockwork Orange under his belt, he has become the defacto patriarch of shock cinema. Note to future filmmakers, if your movie is about nazi lesbians using garden tools as crude sexual implements being hunted by flying Hassidic Jews, Malcolm McDowell would backflip at the chance to play the resurrected zombie of Joseph Goebbels. Wait, that would actually be pretty cool. Hands off! It's my idea!

To say that this movie has some explicit scenes would be an understatement. This film contains, in no particular order, girl-on-girl action (AWESOME!), man-on-man fisting (NOT AWESOME!), orgies, visible penetration and ejaculation, facials, and decapitation (Maybe I should have said decapitation before the man-on-man stuff, kind of a weak way to end the list). The worst part of it all is how the hardcore scenes are so shoddily put together. You'd be watching the film and it would start with Malcolm McDowell looking around a corner, then it would cut to two guys blowing each other in a secret room (my poor shag carpet). Even when you are watching the properly set up hardcore scenes, you are still left with a confused look on your face. The camera would pan over an orgy in progress; you would see a few people going down on each other, cut to a woman on a swing with a phallus poking out of the seat, cut to a centaur with a boner(?), cut to a three breasted cyclops spinning around for no reason(??), then end on what looks like midget puppets riding on a tricycle(???). Several people involved in the film went on record that the blame for the film's lack of clarity rests on the editing, but no one can agree which editor really fucked it all up. Too many cooks spoiling the broth?

To the actors credit, they tried their best with the laughably bad script and "special" directing from Tinto. I'll even go so far as to state that Malcolm McDowell's portrayel of Caligula saved the movie from being totally unwatchable.

He looks like Shaggy from Scooby Doo if he were crowned king.

Also, seeing Helen Mirren method act during a scene where she's having some male servent's cum smeared over her face really shows how comitted she is to her role, or just shows how she should be comitted. Brilliant in either case.

Talk about a size queen...

If you have the intestinal fortitude, or the pervasiveness, you should check Caligula out, and see why if your making a movie, a competent editor should be on the top of your list.