TGWTG User Blogs

My name is Matt, and I'm a Coke Zero addict.

To explain my love for it, you need to understand my situation.  You see, on July 12, 2007 (one year ago this Saturday, for those who keep track that way), I got a little operation done.  It's called "gastric bypass surgery".  It's gotten pretty popular lately, and everyone's got a different opinion on it.  Some people see it as a desperate attempt to look skinny; it's a farce and a fat person's only more pathetic if they get it done, rather than do the decent thing and have a heart attack at age 27.

Other people (read: the sane ones) see it for what it truly is:  a last resort for a person with no options left.  Gastric bypass surgery is reserved only for the morbidly obese, primarily for those people who either can't lose their weight by diet and exercise, or can't lose weight because they physically CAN'T exercise.  Anybody who knows anything about the human body will tell you that losing weight isn't as easy as ceasing to eat.  You can eat and eat to your heart's content as long as you EXERCISE enough to balance it out, so as to keep your metabolism balanced.

 ...What was I talking about?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

 Anyway, gastric bypass surgery doesn't come without consequences.  The whole point of the surgery is to cut your stomach down to the point that you can only have so much to eat.  One of the side effects to this is that your body will start to behave differently to certain foods and beverages, even those that you're used to.  The biggest instance for me is that I cannot have sugary drinks.  Oh, I can drink maybe a couple sips, but if I have, say, a cup of it, I start to shake like a horny beagle with Parkinson's Disease.  It sucks.

For the longest time, all I had to drink was water.  Sure, your pee not having color is cool at first, but after a while, it just became tedium.  Then after a couple months, I decided that if I couldn't drink caffeine or sugar, I could have caffeine-free diet drinks.  I honestly didn't mind getting six-packs 24-oz. Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi.  That is, until October 5 when I got a kidney stone.  Apparently, caffeine-free diet drinks, for the most part, contain sodium.  And sodium causes kidney stones.

Who knew?

Finally, at a three-month post-op visit, my doctor cleared me to drink caffeinated beverages!  I was so happy...why, I was so happy...

 I...

 I......

OK, so I didn't go all Numa-Numa on the good doctor.  Point is, I was happy as a 13-year-old boy at the Playboy Mansion.  However, there was still the matter of the fact that I couldn't drink sugar, not to mention the fact that...well, have you ever HAD a kidney stone?

It took a good several months before I discovered the wonders of Coke Zero.  I saw it in bottle form at the local Subway restaurant (great place to eat if you're looking to lose weight, by the way, provided you know what you're doing).  I thought "Hmm...a new Coke product, no sugar, doesn't taste like cherries...why the hell not?".

I'm now obsessed with the stuff.  It's my life force.  Besides water, it's the only thing I drink.  If it wasn't for Coke Zero, my life would have no taste, no meaning...there would be no reason to live.  After all, it's Diet Coke that actually TASTES like regular Coke!  What's not to love?  I was never one to complain about the taste of Diet Coke in the first place, but now there's no reason to even touch that crap anymore!  Whoever came up with Coke Zero deserves a promotion, a raise, and his own personal harem of NFL cheerleaders.  It's carbonated black gold.

And it's for these reasons that I believe the stuff is pure evil.

I love it TOO much.  I'm afraid that one day after drinking it, some guy at Coke Headquarters will press a button, causing an antenna with a little blipping ball at the point of it to come out of the top of my head.  One press later, and I'm up against my own volition.  My fat ass would walk robotically out the door and to Pepsico, where I would promptly murder everyone within punting distance with a salami or something.  Great in theory until you realize that Pepsi is behind Dr Pepper, which is just as godly.

I'm aware that this is a possibility, yet I can't stop drinking it.  Maybe I don't want to stop.  Maybe I want to be an innocent instrument of evil, like the United States Army or Randy Moss.  It would give me meaning, after all.  I would have purpose.  I would be known the world over as The Guy Who Killed Pepsi Because Coke Zero Told Him To.

And also, a nice brisk walk to a Pepsi slaughter would be great exercise.

That's all I got.

Yeah, I KNOW it wasn't funny.  I never said it would be.