TGWTG User Blogs

The US Government Department on Wasting Taxes Freely (or WTF) has determined, after an exhaustive 4.8 billion dollar effort, that 87% of patients in State and Federal Institutions for the Criminally Insane attributed at least 45% percent of their symptoms to Mall Music. 68% of Mall patrons feel that 'Mall Music makes them ponder homicide.' Only 18% of patrons actually went on killing sprees, slaughtering hundreds of impotent, unfeeling middle-management types and humour-less slave-driving store-owners. 98% of these patrons were employees of said mall, and all were underpaid and under-appreciated.
Cleetus Q. Walrustitty, a janitor at the West South Eastern Northside Mall in Bumchickyshebang, Iowa, brought a wave of terror to the Mall's food court, by bludgeoning the mall owner into a coma with his dirty mop. He stated, "Man, dang, I work hard here, and I gots to listen to this same *expletive deleted* everyday. I was just moppin' up a puddle of puke from some moron who done ate at Ro'Tan Wok, and I heard my last Billy Joel song. I lost it right there." Mr. Dick Dickerson, the victim of the brutal attack, remains in critical condition.
What does this mean to the general public? Lame 80s wuss rock should only be found in bad romantic comedies and in Time Life collections. If the music selections remain blaring in local malls, it is undoubted that there will be more tragedies.
This has been Bert Beckers reporting.