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Welcome to my review of the latest Star Wars cash in.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008)

Directed by Dave Filoni

Starring James Arnold Taylor and Matt Latner

98 minutes

Rated PG

Trailer:

I feel I must start this review stating what a huge Star Wars fan I am. I watched the original trilogy like a hundred times each on Laser Disc (remember that?) and VHS. I collected the action figures as a kid and even had toy lighsaber fights with my brother in my backyard. I can name many obscure characters and locations. I am not an absolute die hard fan, but I'm pretty high up there on the geek meter. That said, on with the review.

So before I go into the theater, I am handed a "Clone Wars Activity Booklet". There is a connect the dots, a simple maze and a coloring page. Let this clue you into what age this movie was intended for. Wary, but still hoping for the best I settled into my seat. The lights dimmed and the immortal "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..." appears on the screen. I get ready for my favorite theme of all time to come blaring out of the speakers as the iconic opening crawl scrolls across the screen. Well... the logo of the film comes on screen... but there is no iconic theme. No opening crawl. In it's place is a pseudo-Star Wars theme that can only be described as a bad remix of the classic theme. After that a news reporter sounding douchebag comes on and says what should of been put in the fucking opening crawl. Fucking asshole cock suckers. They fucked up the one thing you can expect from a Star Wars movie. I've got a bad feeling about this.

I won't bother explaining the story to you, since it's a bunch of motherfucking bullshit about Jabba the Hutt that needs not to be mentioned. What I will mention is what worked and what pissed me the hell off. 

What worked? The animation I found to be pretty cool looking. It is jarring at first, but I got used to it and really started to dig it. The battle scenes are also awesome. From space battles to lightsaber battles to clone battles everything was fucking sweet. I actually think this had the best action scenes of all six movies. No doubt this is due to the freedom the animation gives them, but it is still an accomplishment worth mentioning. That is about it. Onto the bad.

My main problem was a little bitch by the name of Ashoka Tano or some bullshit. I don't care enough to look it up. The point is she is a youngling who has been assigned as Anakin's padawan. Damn is she annoying. She is constantly talking back to Anakin saying stuff like "I told you so" and second guessing him CONSTANTLY! I hate this bitch to no end. I wish Ventress would have slit her fucking throat. Furthering this characters annoyance, she has a nickname for Anakin. Fans are going to love this. She calls him "Sky Guy". But the raping of our childhoods do not stop there, folks. She calls R2-D2 "Artooie" and Jabba the Hutt's son "Stinky". She even gets Anakin to call him "Stinky" and he comes up with his own clever nickname for Ahsoka. He calls her "Snipps". Fuck. You. Writers. Why does this film have a fetish for retarded nicknames? Furthermore, the Battle Droids are a fucking joke. They make jokes and are played off as mentally challenged. In every scene. What else.... Jabba has an uncle that has one of the most annoying voices I have ever heard in an animated feature. Enough of this.

In conclusion, this movie should not exist. Rather, it should have been shown on TV. By making this a feature film, Lucas has given the middle finger to legions of fans as his true intentions could not be more transparent. This was a cheap marketing ploy. By making the film kid friendly to the extreme, marketing is sure to go very well and fatten the ever expanding wallet of George Lucas. I am not amused and the live action show coming soon had better fare well, or I will lose faith in Star Wars forever. If you are a kid, the film is at least a 7 out of 10. But for me, an older Star Wars fan who values storyline and being taken seriously, it gets a:

3 out of 10

Thanks for reading and comment if you wish. Until next time.