I've tried writing a blog a couple times and failed miserably at it all those times. I'm not that good at blogging (most blogger aren't really that good at it, in my opinion) and thought I could give people tips on how suck at blogging (anybody can tell you how to be good at something, someone needs to start telling people how to suck).
 Let's get started. Here are the Top 7 Ways to Suck at Blogging. Why top 7? Because 11's too goddamn high!

7 - Don't use spell check. 

 Never use speel check. Evver. Poople should have to guess what the hell you're sppelling. Never go back and check to make sure everything's spelled right that's just work and since odds are you're not getting paid to write you're blog so why bother to waste time on something you're NOT getting paid for. Leting people know what words your'er actullly trying to use is for pussy and communists.

6 - ALWAYS USE ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.

 All capital letters in type is generally used to let the reader know you're YELLING and ANGRY.  So ALWAYS USE CPITAL LETTERS! Because being ANGRY is cool, just look that those Nerd and Critic guys and every other internet review, they're a picture book example of cool. Here's an example of how cool capital letters are: I GOT A ‘C' ON MY EXAM TODAY. LIFE'S NOT FAIR AND EVERYONE ELSE IS HAPPY EXCEPT ME. STUPID ‘C's. IF ONLY SOMEONE LOVED ME I'LL GET BETTER GRADES. AND MY TEACHER SUCKS. End example. See how cool that person is. They're angry and letting us all know about it. Don't you just feel their pain and the coolest that the pain created? I know I do. In fact when I'm doing writing this I Think I'll write an angry rant (in all capitals) about how I can't unplug by toilet (SO MUCH CLOGGING!).

5 - Don't Do Research. EVER!

When people blog about a current event or something to do with science or political fact they usually do some research some the blog has some creditability. Fuck that. No one needs to know anything about what they're talking about to have an opinion. And again research is work. Why do work for something you're not getting paid for (and if you're getting paid it's probably not a lot)? Just put you're uneducated and bias opinion all over the net. We, the readers, need that. We need to have someone tell us how it is, even if the jackass has not one clue about how the it really is. And don't forgot to write it IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS if it's something that pisses you off.

4 - Force Humor.

Humor is one of the greatest things in the universe. It makes us laugh and forget our horrible lonely lives for a time (or is that just me?). So force humor in every thing you write. No matter how serious the subject (like the War in Iraq, rape, or even the Holocaust) make sure you push some jokes into your blog. People like laughing, mainly at the pain of others. So belittle what ever subject you're doing with a really distasteful joke. When writing something about gay rights remember to squeeze some jokes about butt-sex. Because gays have butt-sex and that's always funny. And don't forget those age old topical references, making fun of people like Paris Hilton and the Jonas Bros. is good for a quick laugh (even if the joke won't be in funny in like a year and a half when everyone has forgotten who the hell they are). There's nothing like having a blogger just shoved humor right down our throats even if the blog has no reason for it.

3 - Always Have the Blog Be About A Negative Experience/Thought.

 Never say anything good about anything. If you're writing blogs about your life and experiences only write about the bad ones. Like when your dog dies or you're being sued for copyright infringement (again, just me?). Or if you write reviews never give a positive review even if the movie/game was good. Tell everyone it sucked and that it pissed you off (anger's cool, remember). Or if you're not comfortable with lying then just review bad movies/games. Never tell people about movies that are actually worth watching and games worth playing. That might be helpful. Never do it.

2 - Give The Reader Too Much Personal Info About Yourself.

Remember when blogging to bring up some really personal information about yourself that no one ever wanted or needed to know. Like the time you having mind blowing sex with your girlfriend and you yelled out your really hot cousin's name. Or how you know how to have a good time with a jar of peanut better and hungry dog. Or some horrible story from your childhood when a trusted adult touched you. When need to know all the really bad and weird shit in your life. That's what's makes you the individual you are today. Share it with the world. The world will hang up and listen.

1 - Make It ALL about YOU.

Make everything you write about you and how good and awesome and right you are. Because you're never wrong. Never the bad guy. Always the victim or the lone hero standing up to an unjust society. You're Jesus. You're Hercules. You're Chuck Norris. You're Elvis. You are all things great and mighty and have to remind us, your servants, every-fucking-day about how cool you are because you told some guy who cut in front of you at the [insert fast food place here] off. Or how you are able summon the will to live even when you get a parking ticket you think you didn't deserve. Or how you're the only person who's right and everyone else is stupid and needs to think YOUR way to have a meaningfully existence. Tell us about your amazing life, like the time you put 50 cents into a soda machine and you got TWO sodas or when you found twenty dollars on the street and blew it on smokes. The world needs all the details of your boring ass life because you are the best gift the world has ever had. You. You. You. No one else. Just you. Self important, egoistically you.

And that's it. Hope this as been helpful to all those who wish to take up blogging. If you follow these 7 tips your blog's sure to SUCK AS HARD as a Twilight book (ha-ha topical humor).

Update: Thank you all for making this be on the Best of Blogs section and for making this one of the most viewed blogs on this site ever. You're all great, well... most of you are great.

-That Douche