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REPORT FROM THE FRONT LINES
OPERATION: DIGITAL PRESS YOUR LUCK
As everybody now knows, my
younger brother (That Guy With The Glasses) and I (The Other Guy),
undertook a cross-country trip to New Jersey. The objective: Strike The Angry
Video Game Nerd on his own turf. The equipment: a fully armed HD digital
camera, maps of Pennsylvania/New Jersey, a Nostalgia Critic suit, a 2005 Ford
Focus (codenamed: The Chariot of Justice), and a thirst for blood... or
caffeine... not really sure which. The plan was simple: we'd surprise him at
the Digital Press live appearance in Clifton, New Jersey. I would drive and
film the event. That Guy would call him out and challenge him to a review
duel. If all went well then... uh... stuff would happen.
As part of this whole
operation, I brought along a mini tape recorder so I could record everything
Captain Kirk style. So here it is: our Captain's Log. Be afraid. Be very
afraid.
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Zero Hour -- Have left Chicago at 6:30 in the morning. Currently
have 220 dollars from site donations. Will use money to pay for gas. Figured
it was slightly more ethical than original plan to waste it all on blow.
Hour 1 --
Have crossed into Indiana. Currently
admiring scenic smokestacks of Gary. Decided to roll up windows. Am struck at
how Indiana is like a weird neutral zone between Illinois and Ohio. Mostly a
large, flat, endless expanse of fireworks shacks, Mos Eisley style truck stops,
and dragster style straightaways. The Speed Limit is 70 to Nonexistent.
Those that drive slower than 45 can be ticketed. The vintage 1970s cars that
seem to haunt the roads are held together by clumps of rust and duct tape. It's
like Mad Max meets Children of the Corn. As a fast driver I love
it. As a touristy out of towner I'm currently pissing myself with fear. If car
breaks down, will probably have to sell younger brother into white slavery to
get out alive. Will not inform him of this.
Hour 2 --
Just got thanked for driving.
Understandable. Personally, I wouldn't trust my brother to get out of Chicago,
let alone find New Jersey. Fortunately, that's why I'm here. I'm good at this
sort of thing.
Hour 2 and 15 minutes
-- Have somehow ended up in
Michigan. Will have to consult giant map on wall at rest stop. Brother's
threatening to put this on film. Threats to release pictures of him with
duck-billed platypus doing unnatural things are unsuccessful. He'll probably
turn the camera on and make fun of me while I go find a map.
Hour 2 and 20 minutes
-- Brother informs me that he
turned camera on and made fun of me while I was looking for a map. Jag off.
Hour 3 --
Found way back to I-80. Turns out I-80 and
I-94 separate like cellular mitosis. You can't see it happen unless you have an
electron microscope, and by the time you figure it out, it's too late. Suspect
it's a trick by the Michigan Tourist Board.
Hour 4 --
Ohio is broken. All construction. Spent a
full hour dodging orange barrels. That Guy slowly starting to crack as each
lane closure reveals hardly anybody working. Quote: "Oh, look. They're on
another cigarette break again! What a coincidence! Everybody seems to be on
break just as we pass them! Isn't that amazing!? Ha! *sob*"
Hour 5 --
Just drove through a 6 mile Right Lane
closure with no work crew present. Now reading a sign: "Left Lane Closed 1 Mile
Ahead." That Guy banging his head on dashboard and crying like a hyena: "It's
like they're TRYING to screw with our heads!" Traveling through Ohio is slowly
turning into a sluggish NASCAR slalom. Interior wildlife becoming decidedly
more exotic... current mullet to normal hair ratio: 6 to 1.
Hour 5 and 30 minutes -- Getting bored. Have started humming the
Chip'n'Dale Rescue Rangers song just to annoy my brother. Been
emphasizing the "Chi-chi-chi-chi-chi-chi-chip" part just to be extra obnoxious.
He countered with Ducktales. Bastard. I'll never get that song out of
my head.
Hour 6 --
Have been reduced to eating granola and our own fingernail clippings.
Am starting to say prayers for our safe return. That Guy preparing to eat own
shoes.
Hour 7 --
Coming upon Westgate Toll. Looks like Black
Gates of Mordor. Total damage: Ten dollars for cross-state trip. Good to know
every penny will be spent funding the Ohio Department of Transportation's
fearsome nicotine habit.
Hour 7 and 30 minutes
-- Ducktales! Woo-hoo!
... F%&#.
Hour 8 --
That Guy decides that now that he's in
Pennsylvania, he needs to have a Philly Cheesesteak. Somehow comes to
conclusion that most authentic place for said meal is in Clarion Rest Stop...
spends next forty minutes in bathroom. I subsist on a steady diet of Chex
Mix and Starbucks. Hopefully, these rations will last us until we're
forced to rely on our toenail clippings. Note: Supply of fingernails
lost to gridlocked Ohio work zones.
Hour 9 --
Cop perched behind trees at Mile Marker 15.
Remember for ride back!
Hour 9 and 15 minutes
-- Pennsylvania acting like our
mother. Numerous yellow signs tell us: "Don't tailgate!", "Slow down and Save a
Life!", "Don't Litter!", "Use Turn Signals", "Beware of Aggressive Drivers!,"
and "Buckle Up for the Next Million Miles!" What the? Million!? What kinda
Jetsons cars are they driving out here? Personal favorite: "Stay at least two
car lengths behind!" To help with that, PDOT placed giant white circles on the
road with an accompanying sign that said, "Use dots to measure car lengths!"
Like playing vehicular Pac-Man
Hour 9 and 30 minutes
-- At a rest stop bathroom.
Perhaps a rebellion against the Ned Flanders-esque road signs, but the words
KOALA BABY CHANGING STATION on pull-out counter next to door had been
changed so the letter C was scratched out. Now it reads: BABY HANGING
STATION. Pennsylvanians are f*#$ed up.
Hour 10 --
Brother decided to take over driving. Have
just filled out Last Will and Testament and sent it home via Carrier Pigeon.
Hour 10 and 20 minutes
-- That Guy gets off the highway
to find gas. Followed one sign with an arrow that promised fuel. Drove twenty
minutes into the hills. Kept trying to tell him to turn around with little
success. Finally passed a few barns and fields with a yellow caution sign that
had a horse and buggy on it. Asked him: "Do you REALLY think a place that needs
a sign for a HORSE AND CARRIAGE seems like the kind of area that needs GAS for
CARS!?" We turned around.
Hour 10 and 40 minutes
-- Mountains.
Hour 10 and 50 minutes
-- More Mountains.
Hour 11 and 10 minutes
-- Mountains on top of Mountains.
Hour 11 and 30 minutes
-- Cow.
Hour 11 and 40 minutes
-- More Mountains.
Hour 11 and 50 minutes -- Dear GOD. This state is WIDE. And when
I mean wide, I mean Jerry Springer fat guy that has to get his wall removed from
the trailer he's sleeping in so he can be moved by a forklift to a weigh station
WIDE. Starting to lose it. Will take over driving again to stave off insanity.
Hour 12 --
Boredom of the road finally too much. Have
both broken down and started singing the entire score to the HMS Pinafore.
Brother off key. Annoying. Event recorded on camera and tossed alongside of
road as final Blair Witch style testimony to our madness. On bright side,
brother says I make a charming Little Buttercup.
Hour 12 and 10 minutes
-- Jinx! Just turned to each
other at the same time and asked: "Is it just me, or does this last part of the
trip seem like it's taking for-fucking-ever!!!???" Laughed. Then cried like
Lifetime Movie of the Week. Getting to Pennsylvania Turnpike now an
endurance test. Will NOT die in Appalachia, dammit.
Hour 12 and 15 minutes
-- Found Pennsylvania Turnpike.
Recanted hastily made suicide pact at last mile marker.
Hour 12 and 30 Minutes
-- Pennsylvania Turnpike = most
awesome road in the Union. Slick. Well paved. All downhill. Not a cop in
site. Like my own personal autobahn. Enjoyed reenacting best scenes from
Cool Runnings in the comfort of my own car.
Hour 13 -- Have reached outskirts of Philadelphia. No motels.
What the hell? Seriously, this is supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love!
Suspect Nerd plot.
Hour 14 --
Got halfway to Delaware and turned around.
Finally found a Motel 6 at 9 pm! Having done 3/4 of the driving, I have
a migraine. Decided I hadn't been tortured enough and ate at Denny's.
Slept like the dead (or someone who's eaten at Denny's).
THE DAY AFTER
Hour 1 --
Have decided to skip Denny's in lieu of
something more refined, more substantial, more cosmopolitan. Brother suggested
International House of Pancakes. Sounded good enough. Would need the
life-giving nourishment of Rooty Tooty Fresh'n'Fruity meal to sustain us
for Nerd battle to come.
Hour 1 and 45 minutes
-- Have no idea why Jersey is
called The Garden State. Seems like the color's been sucked out of the
universe. Clouds are gray. Roadsides littered. Pavement reduced to rubble.
Street signs all rusty, faded, swamp green -- like made from the sides of
decaying, mothballed ships. Feels like bad episode of Rainbow Brite,
where villains finally succeed in turning everything to black and white.
Brother agrees: "Let's get the hell out when we're done."
Hour 2 --
Manhattan's more than an hour away and yet
the evidence of it is everywhere. We're on this 14 lane highway running through
the middle of a swamp. There are express lanes... IN A SWAMP! Traffic's bad...
on a Saturday! The cars I'm seeing makes Grand Theft Auto look like
Mario Kart. I think I saw a Klingon. Jesus, New York is BIG.
Hour 3 --
Have arrived at Digital Press Videogames
in Clifton at 3 pm EST. A line extends out the door. Nerd commands surprising
devotion amongst fellow nerds. Worried. May have to face Nerd army before day
is through. Packed a taser, just in case.
Hour 3 and 1 minute --
Forgot batteries for taser.
Sonofa--!
Hour 3 and 2 minutes
-- Currently raining on and off.
Am worried as all hell that camera will get wet. Brother claims God is on our
side. Lightning just flashed and thunder rolled. Feeling somehow less
confident.
Hour 3 and 5 Minutes
-- Are told through rumor mill
that Captain S is also going to be there. I tell brother that I've never seen
his show so I don't know what he looks like. He tells me not to mention that to
him.
Hour 3 and 10 Minutes
-- Busted into Digital Press.
Some observations...
New HD camera is pretty
sweet, but hard to tell where pan and scan display box is in the glare. This
meant some clipping occurred cause I was guessing where the border was.
Decided to point camera at
the store crowd after That Guy shouts "NEEEERD!" Originally wanted to zoom in
on the Nerd, but I couldn't find him! Amuses me that camera just sits there for
a split-second, like, "Uhhh???" until That Guy moves in.
Had no clue The Nerd was
going to throw the pen. I thought I missed it and That Guy yelled at me on the
way home. Turns out I got it just in time.
Outside: it was edited out,
but I grabbed The Angry Video Game Nerd by the shoulder and pointed ahead,
whispering "Get up there!" The Tombstone style walk to the OK Corral/Parking
Lot was funnier with all three, and not just That Guy and Captain S.
That Guy already had it
settled that he was going to use The Good Bad and The Ugly music. But it was
funny that the crowd started whistling it on their own.
The fight was IMPROVISED!
You can tell cause my camerawork is simply guessing. I was ordered to grab
close-ups while they "stood off." That's the only cinematically staged part. I
had no idea when the fight would start, and you could tell I was taken by
surprise when the Nerd started waving his hands and screaming! The other
surprise was that Captain S could, would, and did do a handstand. Holy crap!
Who knew? Nearly missed that. Lots of stuff to follow. Amused that fans
shouted directions to me as if THEY were suddenly the director: "Close up! No,
over there! Zoom in!"
It started raining as we were shooting. Nerd commented (off film) something
like, "Even the gods have graced us with this epic rain!" I freaked cause the
camera was getting wet and I didn't want drops on the lens. Ironically made for
a much more epic video -- very Matrix Revolutions-esque, especially when That
Guy laughs at the end. Happy accident.
Hour 3 and 30 Minutes
-- Got out of the rain and mingled
with crowd. Shot some footage: That Guy getting suggestions for games. Also
shot us finding Shaq-Fu and deciding what the hell? We know the
Nerd reviewed it. Not sure if we'll review it. But it's a good piece of
nostalgic dumb to have, especially if you're a Shaqonnoisseur like me.
Hour 3 and 35 minutes
-- Told Captain S I've never seen
his show. He stepped on my toes on the way out. Still hurts occasionally.
Will steal his jacket and tie dye it the first chance I get.
Hour 3 and 45 minutes
-- Someone made cake! One was a
fondant covered Nintendo cartridge. That Guy got the last slice. Victory is
ours! The other was Mario. Out of anti-Nerd spite, I ATE MARIO'S HEART. That
way I could assume his superpowers. Can't say I feel any different... but have
an insatiable craving for mushrooms.
Hour 4 --
Had to leave. Apologies to everyone at
Digital Press... but with 12 hours of driving ahead, we really need to scat.
Note: Wanna get home fast. Have decided to do the driving myself the whole way
through.
Hour 5 --
Have now crossed state line and left New
Jersey behind. Strange. Sun's returned, flowers blooming, and bluebirds
singing Zippidy-Doo-Da on our shoulders.
Hour 7 --
Seriously wanting mushroom stir-fry. Can't
find a Panda Express.
Hour 8 --
Sunset. Pennsylvania very pretty. I like
it. Thinking maybe I can live here.
Hour 9 --
Passed trees along Pennsylvania Mile Marker
15.
Hour 9 and 1 Minute --
Pulled over by cop. Have decided
NOT to live here.
Hour 13 --
Well past midnight. Monotony of the road
playing tricks on me. Thought I saw Jesus standing in the center lane. Was
really a dead possum.
Hour 14 and 30 minutes
-- Somehow ended up on I-90
instead of I-80. Now taking the Skyway into Chicago for some reason. Sigh.
Brother asleep. Won't wake him. Wait... THREE DOLLARS TO CROSS THE CALUMET
RIVER, YOU GOTTA BE @#$%ING KIDDING ME!? Brother now awake. Grumpy.
Hour 15 and 30 minutes
-- Home. Can't feel legs.
Probably for the best. Zzzzz...
----------
And that's it. The tape
goes on like that for awhile, interrupted by the occasional snort. I was found
the next morning by a neighbor, sprawled halfway out of my car, face down on the
driveway, snoring. The keys were still in the ignition. The engine off. A
small rabbit had used my head as a nest and a large squirrel stored acorns in my
shirt pocket, before using it as a toilet. You can hear the two critters
scuffle for awhile before finally giving up and moving on to greener pastures.
As for That Guy? Well, he
somehow made it to his room, but for some reason he collapsed underneath his
bed. I found him tangling with a moldy pizza box underneath the mattress,
screaming, "NEEERD!" He woke himself up.
Final Battle Report
Time Spent on the Road:
26 hours and 30 minutes.
Gas money:
260 dollars.
Fast Food, Motel, and
Tolls: 135 dollars.
Speeding Ticket:
158 dollars.
Watching Three Grown Men
Make Total Asses of Themselves:
Priceless.
Mission: ACCOMPLISHED.
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.But if I pay? 
I don't exactly share your enthusiasm with Pennsylvania's roads, though. The first 10 miles of I-76 in PA, leading away from Ohio, has been under construction for...probably about two years now. It's a pain to drive through. 
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