REPORT FROM THE FRONT LINES

OPERATION: DIGITAL PRESS YOUR LUCK

 

As everybody now knows, my younger brother (That Guy With The Glasses) and I (The Other Guy), undertook a cross-country trip to New Jersey.  The objective: Strike The Angry Video Game Nerd on his own turf.  The equipment: a fully armed HD digital camera, maps of Pennsylvania/New Jersey, a Nostalgia Critic suit, a 2005 Ford Focus (codenamed: The Chariot of Justice), and a thirst for blood... or caffeine... not really sure which.  The plan was simple: we'd surprise him at the Digital Press live appearance in Clifton, New Jersey.  I would drive and film the event.  That Guy would call him out and challenge him to a review duel.  If all went well then... uh... stuff would happen.

 

As part of this whole operation, I brought along a mini tape recorder so I could record everything Captain Kirk style.  So here it is: our Captain's Log.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

 

----------

Zero Hour -- Have left Chicago at 6:30 in the morning.  Currently have 220 dollars from site donations.  Will use money to pay for gas.  Figured it was slightly more ethical than original plan to waste it all on blow.

 

Hour 1 -- Have crossed into Indiana.  Currently admiring scenic smokestacks of Gary.  Decided to roll up windows.  Am struck at how Indiana is like a weird neutral zone between Illinois and Ohio.  Mostly a large, flat, endless expanse of fireworks shacks, Mos Eisley style truck stops, and dragster style straightaways.  The Speed Limit is 70 to Nonexistent.  Those that drive slower than 45 can be ticketed.  The vintage 1970s cars that seem to haunt the roads are held together by clumps of rust and duct tape.  It's like Mad Max meets Children of the Corn.  As a fast driver I love it.  As a touristy out of towner I'm currently pissing myself with fear.  If car breaks down, will probably have to sell younger brother into white slavery to get out alive.  Will not inform him of this.

 

Hour 2 -- Just got thanked for driving.  Understandable.  Personally, I wouldn't trust my brother to get out of Chicago, let alone find New Jersey.  Fortunately, that's why I'm here.  I'm good at this sort of thing.

 

Hour 2 and 15 minutes -- Have somehow ended up in Michigan.  Will have to consult giant map on wall at rest stop.  Brother's threatening to put this on film.  Threats to release pictures of him with duck-billed platypus doing unnatural things are unsuccessful.  He'll probably turn the camera on and make fun of me while I go find a map.

 

Hour 2 and 20 minutes --  Brother informs me that he turned camera on and made fun of me while I was looking for a map.  Jag off.

 

Hour 3 -- Found way back to I-80.  Turns out I-80 and I-94 separate like cellular mitosis.  You can't see it happen unless you have an electron microscope, and by the time you figure it out, it's too late.  Suspect it's a trick by the Michigan Tourist Board.

 

Hour 4 -- Ohio is broken.  All construction.  Spent a full hour dodging orange barrels.  That Guy slowly starting to crack as each lane closure reveals hardly anybody working.  Quote: "Oh, look.  They're on another cigarette break again!  What a coincidence!  Everybody seems to be on break just as we pass them!  Isn't that amazing!?  Ha!  *sob*"

 

Hour 5 -- Just drove through a 6 mile Right Lane closure with no work crew present.  Now reading a sign: "Left Lane Closed 1 Mile Ahead."  That Guy banging his head on dashboard and crying like a hyena: "It's like they're TRYING to screw with our heads!"  Traveling through Ohio is slowly turning into a sluggish NASCAR slalom.  Interior wildlife becoming decidedly more exotic... current mullet to normal hair ratio: 6 to 1.

Hour 5 and 30 minutes  -- Getting bored.  Have started humming the Chip'n'Dale Rescue Rangers song just to annoy my brother.  Been emphasizing the "Chi-chi-chi-chi-chi-chi-chip" part just to be extra obnoxious.  He countered with Ducktales.  Bastard.  I'll never get that song out of my head. 

 

Hour 6  -- Have been reduced to eating granola and our own fingernail clippings.  Am starting to say prayers for our safe return.  That Guy preparing to eat own shoes.

 

Hour 7 -- Coming upon Westgate Toll.  Looks like Black Gates of Mordor.  Total damage: Ten dollars for cross-state trip.  Good to know every penny will be spent funding the Ohio Department of Transportation's fearsome nicotine habit.

 

Hour 7 and 30 minutes -- Ducktales!  Woo-hoo!  ...  F%&#.

 

Hour 8 -- That Guy decides that now that he's in Pennsylvania, he needs to have a Philly Cheesesteak.  Somehow comes to conclusion that most authentic place for said meal is in Clarion Rest Stop... spends next forty minutes in bathroom.  I subsist on a  steady diet of Chex Mix and Starbucks.  Hopefully, these rations will last us until we're forced to rely on our toenail clippings.  Note: Supply of fingernails lost to gridlocked Ohio work zones.

 

Hour 9 -- Cop perched behind trees at Mile Marker 15.  Remember for ride back!

 

Hour 9 and 15 minutes -- Pennsylvania acting like our mother.  Numerous yellow signs tell us: "Don't tailgate!", "Slow down and Save a Life!", "Don't Litter!", "Use Turn Signals", "Beware of Aggressive Drivers!," and "Buckle Up for the Next Million Miles!"  What the?  Million!?  What kinda Jetsons cars are they driving out here?  Personal favorite: "Stay at least two car lengths behind!"  To help with that, PDOT placed giant white circles on the road with an accompanying sign that said, "Use dots to measure car lengths!"  Like playing vehicular Pac-Man

 

Hour 9 and 30 minutes -- At a rest stop bathroom.  Perhaps a rebellion against the Ned Flanders-esque road signs, but the words KOALA BABY CHANGING STATION on pull-out counter next to door had been changed so the letter C was scratched out.  Now it reads: BABY HANGING STATION.  Pennsylvanians are f*#$ed up.

 

Hour 10 -- Brother decided to take over driving.  Have just filled out Last Will and Testament and sent it home via Carrier Pigeon.

 

Hour 10 and 20 minutes -- That Guy gets off the highway to find gas.  Followed one sign with an arrow that promised fuel.  Drove twenty minutes into the hills.  Kept trying to tell him to turn around with little success.  Finally passed a few barns and fields with a yellow caution sign that had a horse and buggy on it.  Asked him: "Do you REALLY think a place that needs a sign for a HORSE AND CARRIAGE seems like the kind of area that needs GAS for CARS!?"  We turned around.

 

Hour 10 and 40 minutes -- Mountains.

 

Hour 10 and 50 minutes -- More Mountains.

 

Hour 11 and 10 minutes -- Mountains on top of Mountains.

 

Hour 11 and 30 minutes -- Cow.

 

Hour 11 and 40 minutes -- More Mountains.

Hour 11 and 50 minutes -- Dear GOD.  This state is WIDE.  And when I mean wide, I mean Jerry Springer fat guy that has to get his wall removed from the trailer he's sleeping in so he can be moved by a forklift to a weigh station WIDE.  Starting to lose it.  Will take over driving again to stave off insanity.

 

Hour 12 -- Boredom of the road finally too much.  Have both broken down and started singing the entire score to the HMS Pinafore.  Brother off key.  Annoying.  Event recorded on camera and tossed alongside of road as final Blair Witch style testimony to our madness.  On bright side, brother says I make a charming Little Buttercup.

 

Hour 12 and 10 minutes -- Jinx!  Just turned to each other at the same time and asked: "Is it just me, or does this last part of the trip seem like it's taking for-fucking-ever!!!???"  Laughed.  Then cried like Lifetime Movie of the Week.  Getting to Pennsylvania Turnpike now an endurance test.  Will NOT die in Appalachia, dammit.

 

Hour 12 and 15 minutes -- Found Pennsylvania Turnpike.  Recanted hastily made suicide pact at last mile marker.

 

Hour 12 and 30 Minutes -- Pennsylvania Turnpike = most awesome road in the Union.  Slick.  Well paved.  All downhill.  Not a cop in site.  Like my own personal autobahn.  Enjoyed reenacting best scenes from Cool Runnings in the comfort of my own car.

Hour 13 -- Have reached outskirts of Philadelphia.  No motels.  What the hell?  Seriously, this is supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love!  Suspect Nerd plot.

 

Hour 14 -- Got halfway to Delaware and turned around.  Finally found a Motel 6 at 9 pm!  Having done 3/4 of the driving, I have a migraine.  Decided I hadn't been tortured enough and ate at Denny's.  Slept like the dead (or someone who's eaten at Denny's).

 

THE DAY AFTER

 

Hour 1 -- Have decided to skip Denny's in lieu of something more refined, more substantial, more cosmopolitan.  Brother suggested International House of Pancakes.  Sounded good enough. Would need the life-giving nourishment of Rooty Tooty Fresh'n'Fruity meal to sustain us for Nerd battle to come.

 

Hour 1 and 45 minutes -- Have no idea why Jersey is called The Garden State.  Seems like the color's been sucked out of the universe.  Clouds are gray.  Roadsides littered.  Pavement reduced to rubble.  Street signs all rusty, faded, swamp green -- like made from the sides of decaying, mothballed ships.  Feels like bad episode of Rainbow Brite, where villains finally succeed in turning everything to black and white.  Brother agrees: "Let's get the hell out when we're done."

 

Hour 2 -- Manhattan's more than an hour away and yet the evidence of it is everywhere.  We're on this 14 lane highway running through the middle of a swamp.  There are express lanes... IN A SWAMP!  Traffic's bad... on a Saturday!  The cars I'm seeing makes Grand Theft Auto look like Mario Kart.  I think I saw a Klingon.  Jesus, New York is BIG.

 

Hour 3 -- Have arrived at Digital Press Videogames in Clifton at 3 pm EST.  A line extends out the door.  Nerd commands surprising devotion amongst fellow nerds.  Worried.  May have to face Nerd army before day is through.  Packed a taser, just in case.

 

Hour 3 and 1 minute -- Forgot batteries for taser.  Sonofa--!

 

Hour 3 and 2 minutes -- Currently raining on and off.  Am worried as all hell that camera will get wet.  Brother claims God is on our side.  Lightning just flashed and thunder rolled.  Feeling somehow less confident.

 

Hour 3 and 5 Minutes -- Are told through rumor mill that Captain S is also going to be there.  I tell brother that I've never seen his show so I don't know what he looks like.  He tells me not to mention that to him.

 

Hour 3 and 10 Minutes -- Busted into Digital Press.  Some observations...

 

New HD camera is pretty sweet, but hard to tell where pan and scan display box is in the glare.  This meant some clipping occurred cause I was guessing where the border was.

 

Decided to point camera at the store crowd after That Guy shouts "NEEEERD!"  Originally wanted to zoom in on the Nerd, but I couldn't find him!  Amuses me that camera just sits there for a split-second, like, "Uhhh???" until That Guy moves in.

 

Had no clue The Nerd was going to throw the pen.  I thought I missed it and That Guy yelled at me on the way home.  Turns out I got it just in time.

 

Outside: it was edited out, but I grabbed The Angry Video Game Nerd by the shoulder and pointed ahead, whispering "Get up there!"  The Tombstone style walk to the OK Corral/Parking Lot was funnier with all three, and not just That Guy and Captain S.

 

That Guy already had it settled that he was going to use The Good Bad and The Ugly music.  But it was funny that the crowd started whistling it on their own.

 

The fight was IMPROVISED!  You can tell cause my camerawork is simply guessing.  I was ordered to grab close-ups while they "stood off."  That's the only cinematically staged part.  I had no idea when the fight would start, and you could tell I was taken by surprise when the Nerd started waving his hands and screaming!  The other surprise was that Captain S could, would, and did do a handstand.  Holy crap!  Who knew?  Nearly missed that.  Lots of stuff to follow.  Amused that fans shouted directions to me as if THEY were suddenly the director: "Close up!  No, over there!  Zoom in!"

It started raining as we were shooting.  Nerd commented (off film) something like, "Even the gods have graced us with this epic rain!"  I freaked cause the camera was getting wet and I didn't want drops on the lens.  Ironically made for a much more epic video -- very Matrix Revolutions-esque, especially when That Guy laughs at the end.  Happy accident.

 

Hour 3 and 30 Minutes -- Got out of the rain and mingled with crowd.  Shot some footage: That Guy getting suggestions for games.  Also shot us finding Shaq-Fu and deciding what the hell?  We know the Nerd reviewed it.  Not sure if we'll review it.  But it's a good piece of nostalgic dumb to have, especially if you're a Shaqonnoisseur like me.

 

Hour 3 and 35 minutes -- Told Captain S I've never seen his show.  He stepped on my toes on the way out.  Still hurts occasionally.  Will steal his jacket and tie dye it the first chance I get.

 

Hour 3 and 45 minutes -- Someone made cake!  One was a fondant covered Nintendo cartridge.  That Guy got the last slice.  Victory is ours!  The other was Mario.  Out of anti-Nerd spite, I ATE MARIO'S HEART.  That way I could assume his superpowers.  Can't say I feel any different... but have an insatiable craving for mushrooms.

 

Hour 4 -- Had to leave.  Apologies to everyone at Digital Press... but with 12 hours of driving ahead, we really need to scat.  Note: Wanna get home fast.  Have decided to do the driving myself the whole way through.

 

Hour 5 -- Have now crossed state line and left New Jersey behind.  Strange.  Sun's returned, flowers blooming, and bluebirds singing Zippidy-Doo-Da on our shoulders.

 

Hour 7 -- Seriously wanting mushroom stir-fry.  Can't find a Panda Express.

 

Hour 8 -- Sunset.  Pennsylvania very pretty.  I like it.  Thinking maybe I can live here.

 

Hour 9 -- Passed trees along Pennsylvania Mile Marker 15.

 

Hour 9 and 1 Minute -- Pulled over by cop.  Have decided NOT to live here.

 

Hour 13 -- Well past midnight.  Monotony of the road playing tricks on me.  Thought I saw Jesus standing in the center lane.  Was really a dead possum.

 

Hour 14 and 30 minutes -- Somehow ended up on I-90 instead of I-80.  Now taking the Skyway into Chicago for some reason.  Sigh.  Brother asleep.  Won't wake him.  Wait... THREE DOLLARS TO CROSS THE CALUMET RIVER, YOU GOTTA BE @#$%ING KIDDING ME!?  Brother now awake.  Grumpy.

 

Hour 15 and 30 minutes -- Home.  Can't feel legs.  Probably for the best.  Zzzzz...

 

----------

 

And that's it.  The tape goes on like that for awhile, interrupted by the occasional snort.  I was found the next morning by a neighbor, sprawled halfway out of my car, face down on the driveway, snoring.  The keys were still in the ignition.  The engine off.  A small rabbit had used my head as a nest and a large squirrel stored acorns in my shirt pocket, before using it as a toilet.  You can hear the two critters scuffle for awhile before finally giving up and moving on to greener pastures.

 

As for That Guy?  Well, he somehow made it to his room, but for some reason he collapsed underneath his bed.  I found him tangling with a moldy pizza box underneath the mattress, screaming, "NEEERD!"  He woke himself up.

 

Final Battle Report

Time Spent on the Road: 26 hours and 30 minutes.

Gas money: 260 dollars.

Fast Food, Motel, and Tolls: 135 dollars.

Speeding Ticket: 158 dollars.

Watching Three Grown Men Make Total Asses of Themselves: Priceless.

 

Mission: ACCOMPLISHED.