THE REAL AFWhy's TOP TEN GREATEST ANIMATED FILMS OF ALL TIME

 

Well, it's that time of year again -- the time where the AFI comes out with yet another list.  This time it's a Top Ten list of Top Ten Lists.  That's right.  They've finally done it...  they've finally ranked themselves.  It's like one of those infinity pictures where a guy staring into a mirror is staring into a mirror is staring through a mirror is staring through  etcetera etcetera ipso facto post mortem ad nauseum.  It's ingenious.  It's crazy.  It's ingeniously crazy.  By listing the top ten out of ten genres, they've ensured that this sort of thing can go on forever.  Really, it's the itemizing equivalent of splitting the atom.

 

Of course, this sort of super science is fraught with dangers.  For if the possibilities are endless, isn't the possibility for bullcrap also infinite?  None of this was on more perfect display than in the Top Ten Greatest Animated Films of All Time category.  As a list, it's horribly mishandled -- its formulas flawed, its conclusions all wrong, its hypothesis shakier than a San Andreas bumper car test track.  I mean, NINE Disney films?  Come on.  How representative. And what about Don Bluth and Brad Bird and Ralph Bashki and Rankin/Bass?

 

Obviously, the list is incomplete and full of holes.  So in an effort to set things right, I've poured through over fifty years of the finest animation this country has had to offer.  The culmination of all this hard work is this definitive list to end all lists!  Even though it's not quite definitive.  And it's not quite a list to end all lists.  However, by the AFI's own standards, I feel it pretty much acquits itself.  So enjoy this painstaking re-ranking of The Greatest Animated Films of All Time as they should've been. And never forget: "We are the music makers... and we are the dreamers of dreams."

 

10. Home on the Range -- Oh such an under appreciated classic.  It's amazing more people haven't seen this masterwork.  It does, after all, star Roseanne Barr as a cow!  That's right.  THE Roseanne Barr!  A COW!   Egads, how could you have missed this movie!?  The film centers around a small, broken down dairy farm in the middle of Nebraska -- unarguably the most fascinating state in the Union.  There, three cows of different temperaments unnaturally team up with a wide array of wacky, zany comrades in an effort to stop the evil rich men who want to shut down their dream home.  It's like The View meets Green Acres!  So good was this movie, that Disney decided never to do another 2-D animated film again.  Instead, they closed up shop and folded their 2-D department into bankruptcy, rather than risk topping this opus.

 

9. Space Jam -- What will most likely be considered the greatest combination live-action/animation-sports-docudrama-comedy-commercial ever made, Space Jam is one for the ages (mostly 3 thru 5).  It stars the immortal Looney Tunes in their greatest challenge yet: outwitting and out acting a 7 foot tall, thickheaded, tongue drooping enemy bent on playing the best basketball game in the universe.  But enough about Michael Jordan.  There are aliens!  And they play basketball!  To quote Marvin the Martian: "Isn't that lovely, hmmm?"  And it's 2 hours longer than your average Looney Tunes cartoon!  Which means the writers had to cleverly spread 7 minutes worth of jokes for over 120 minutes of runtime.  And believe me, it shows!  What a wonderful movie, and with some of the best animation in the galaxy.  It took over 60 artists to scale back Wayne Knight's performance alone.  Indeed, thanks to the distracting cel-animation all around him, he looks and acts positively human.  That's worth an Academy Award right there.

 

8. Waking Life -- words cannot describe the sheer brilliance of this movie (which is ironic, since it's mostly comprised of unending strings of words that drone on like a Shakespearean sonnet sung by Al Gore).  The idea is simple: take a normal shoe-string budget movie about nothing, and then use a pirated Photoshop animation program to give it life.  The result is breathtaking.  And I mean that literally.  You can't get a breath in cause there's so much talking.  The movie revolves around a series of clips where characters from all walks of life quote philosophers and wax existential about what its like to live in a world where some dude with a digital cam, a copy of Nietzsche's Greatest Hits, and 5 bucks can get you to star in his animated epic.  It's like being right back in your college philosophy class -- only without the excitement of an ex-hippie professor relaying it to you in acid flashbacks.  Sublime.

 

7. Shark Tale -- This is what children have been missing from their lives for all these years: a Martin Scorcese mobster film with fish.  Why has this unexplored genre never been delved into more?  Certainly the tale of a bottom feeder with face of Will Smith who witnesses the anchor-related death of a shark boss's son (from the most dangerous fish crime family known to manatees {and then wins the favor of the shark ganglord's enemies by fast-talking them with his stories of being the famed killer Sharkslayer [only to learn that coming between Tunatallia and the Five Flippered Families is more than any sane guppy can handle]}) is a tale as simple and timeless as any in the days of old!  They even named the fish "Oscar" and it didn't help the film win any!

 

6. Tom and Jerry -- Tom talks.  Jerry talks.  Sometimes they sing and dance.  There's a flea named Frankie da Flea and a Pug named Puggsy.  They teach Tom and Jerry how to like each other -- in song!  And that's only the first ten minutes.  It's all uphill from there as these two classic icons duke it out with love and kind words.  Need I entice you with the promises of such classic characters as Lickboot, Captain Kiddie, Dr. Applecheek, and Daddy Starling?  Throw in an orphaned girl named Robyn, a morbidly obese beagle on a skateboard, and songs by HENRY MANCINI!!! ("That's right, fuck you Alan Mencken!  We got Henry Mancini!"), and you've got the recipe for heartwarming, Theraflu inspired family drowsiness.

 

5. Happily Ever After -- ever wondered what happened to Snow White after she woke up?  No?  Oh.  Well.  Uh, you sure?  Really?  Huh.  Okay.  Well, you should see this movie anyway.  It has the distinction of being the first of the legendary Disney sequels before there were ever any Disney sequels.  That's right!  A legacy of bold innovation, brilliant storytelling, and decreasing overhead quality costs versus increasing profit margin begins right here.  In this Filmation classic, Snow White's handsome prince (named, appropriately, The Handsome Prince) is abducted by the Evil Queen's seldom mentioned, malice filled brother (named, surprisingly, Lord Malice).  Dom Deluise plays a magic mirror and the 7 Dwarves are on sabbatical in Disney's Resort for the Exclusively Copyrighted -- leaving us with the Dwarfelles (Muddy, Blossom, Sunburn, Thunderella, Thelma, and Louise).  Ed Asner as Scowl the Owl rounds out the whole thing with a hip-hop rap -- making this most charming of feminist fairy tales complete.

 

4. Kazaam -- move over Aladdin!  There's a new genie in town!  In this CGI extravaganza, Shaquille O'Neal plays a goofy, cross eyed, seven foot genie with a droll lisp.  It's a brilliant move.  He can't afford to be lopped in with that other, lesser genie played by Robin Williams.  And this he does with passion.  Or, I should say, lack of it --  Kazaam is to the Disney Genie what Slowpoke Rodriguez is to Speedy Gonzales.  This ageless story about a boy who finds a sucky free throwing genie in an abandoned boom box also hinges on a major rap number.  Is it just me, or are raps the benchmarks of the truly great animated feature?  Besides the touching narrative, the film also features the best animation this side of the three-point line.  Shaq's velvety Cadbury Egg dome and shimmering Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate chest are all rendered with such clarity, I'd swear it was real.  Heck, the blinding gleam off his head alone must've cost like a million dollars.  And that boy?  So lifelike.  They really captured what an average child actor of mediocre to lackluster star-talent would look and sound like.  Wait...  I've just been told this isn't an animated film.  No, that can't be right.  Is it?  Huh.  Crap.  I looked it up.  It isn't.  Well... uhhh... too late.  I stand by my decision.  If you just can't handle that then I suggest you replace this entry with the equally Oscar worthy drama Rock-a-Doodle.

 

3. The Disney Sequels -- There has never been a greater treasure chest of childhood delights, a more delectable Easter basket of entertainment, a more cacophonous  cornucopia of cartoon creations than Disney's perpetual golden spigot of sequels.  Each one answers those questions we've asked ourselves time and again (mostly when we're sobering up from our pot high and trying to figure out who left The Disney Channel on).  Each is a masterpiece unto its own.  Really, pick any one.  They're all good!  Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas.  Bambi 2: Great Prince of the Forest.  Cinderella 2: Dreams Come True.  Cinderella 3: Charming vs. Charming.    Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar.  Aladdin 3: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Jafar.  Pocahontas 3: The Last of the Mohicans.  The Little Mermaid 4: Day of the Sashimi.  Winnie the Pooh and the Chamberpot of Secrets.  Jiminy Cricket's A Series of Unfortunate Events.  And  Puppetmaster II: His Unholy Creations.

 

2. Titanic: The Animated Movie -- Remember a certain epic about a young couple (one rich, one poor) and how they found true love in the midst of one of the worst disasters in maritime history?  Remember the necklace?  The iceberg?  Remember the rats in steerage?  Remember how they would talk and sing and dance with the rapping dog in the basketball jersey?  Of course you do.  No.  Really.  Trust me.  You DO.  You don't!?  Well...  why the hell not?  Uh huh... yeah... who?  James Cameron???  Who the hell is he?  I'm talking about the real Titanic movie!  You know, the Italian-North American joint promising that a "CHILD-FRIENDLY ENDING ASSURES EVERYONE IS RESCUED AND LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER!"  What the hell have you been watching all this time?  As an animated film, this beauty has it all.  The film follows Angelica, a girl who dreams of meeting her prince charming, and Sir William Greenfield, a rich and handsome, yet shy and modest Scottish nobleman (sadly not played by Sean Connery).  There's also an evil stepmom swindler named Meanstreak, and her nephews Kirk and Dirk.  On top of that, the movie adds its own American Tail twist by populating the boat with adorable animals: Maxie the mouse, Geoffrey the cat, Danny the Dalmatian, Hector the Magpie, and more.  They tell their own story through singing, dancing, and the occasional 8 Mile inspired freestyle rapping contest.  Now I know what you're thinking: how could a movie like this ever get made?   I mean, surely a film of this magnitude would be much too powerful for the silver screen.  Well, fortunately, the producers thought ahead and released it directly to video.  And to lessen its emotional impact even more, they cut back on the budget and chose to animate the whole thing in Microsoft Paint.  That, and a pair of silly collagened lips on the two leads, ensures we will not be overwhelmed by the sheer awesome majesty that is this power-movie.^[i]

 

1. Bebe's Kids -- In the history of  animation, there has never been a film as powerful, as moving, as heart-wrenchingly gripping as... Bebe's Kids.  It is undeniably the greatest animated film of all time.  Film schools should teach it.  Cinemas should run it daily.  And copies of it should be buried in the sub-Arctic along with precious seeds and frozen DNA, so that future generations may take sustenance from it.  The film itself was so revolutionary that members of Cannes, Sundance, the BAFTAS, and the Academy of Motion Pictures and Sciences chose to ignore it completely!  This rather than risk proving that the celluloid earth revolves around the sun.  Yes, Bebe's Kid's is the modern motion picture equivalent of Galileo. The movie is based on the comedic stylings of Robin Harris, who will surely be remembered alongside such greats as Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, and Chris Rock as having been a stand-up comedian of African American descent.  The story is as timeless as anything in The Bible: an affably overweight, mumbling middle-class black man tries to get a lock on some sweet sistah'z booty -- at a funeral -- by taking her dweeby son and three of her deadbeat friend's ghetto kids to an amusement park, there to face the institutionalized terrors of racist park security.  Classic.  How can we not relate to that?  Haven't we all shared the same experience of living vicariously through Bebe's Kids?  Which one of us didn't pause in that theater together and stop and think when Robin told Dorothea, "Your mama's so old, she was there the first day of slavery?"  Which one of us hasn't felt the same weight of the world on our shoulders?  Or shared the same frustration that Robin feels when, much like Hamlet, he exclaims, "I am pissed off to the highest level of pissivity!"   Who didn't feel the urge to break free from the shackles of this humdrum coil and cry out "We don't die, we multiply!" on the orders of a dirty diapered, basso toddler with the face of Kojak?  I ask you!  Who didn't laugh when little Pee Wee wittily observed, "You go it goin' ..." then farted, adding, "On!"  And who didn't cry tears of cathartic joy when Robin promised, "If you don't tell me where your little brother is, I'm gonna beat the black off you, and you're gonna look lighter than Michael Jackson!"   More than anything, this film is about the human condition.  It is all things to all people.  And the greatest thing one can ever say about it is there's never been a film like it before... and there never will be again.