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A JONES BY ANY OTHER NAME
We all
know that Indiana Jones is a modern cinema classic. And we all know that some
of that had to do with the catchy title. But did you know how close we came to
having a famed archeologist by a different name? Of course, we all know George
Lucas is a genius with names (as anyone who's enjoyed the fantastical exploits
of Shmi, Watto, Jango Fett, and Count Dooku can attest). But just how did he
come up with Indiana Jones? For decades, it seemed, no one would know. But now
I can tell you, all thanks to an insider at the Skywalker Ranch and a
super-secret covert operation so clandestine, so sick and twisted, that I'm
forbidden from even discussing it with my own family (let's just say it involved
two sheep, an Ewok costume, a jar of petroleum jelly, and a man dressed as a
Chinese acrobat carrying a box of Red Bean Dumplings stuffed with C-4).
So here
it is. With a heavy heart and a fedora of fortitude, I present you with these
worn, watermarked, vintage 1980 pages, smelling slightly of stale coffee cake
and wet Wookie. They were ripped directly from the yellow tableau of George
Lucas's notepad -- and in it you'll find the unfolding quest for one of cinema's
greatest names, spanning over 50 States and a number of cities. Included as
well are his notes and memos, painstakingly transcribed from chicken scratch to
word processor by yours truly. May it enlighten you and fill your Cup of
Knowledge with everlasting life. Unless, of course, you're a Nazi sympathizer.
In which case, enjoy a cheap, horrible, claymation death!
PS --
Don't thank me. Thank those who came before me. Remember: Many Bathans died to
bring you this information.
-----------------------------------------------------------
From the Notepads of George
Lucas (early 1980) . . .
NAMES NAMES NAMES
!?!?
Alaska Sockeye?
Note: King Crab too regal, grouchy.
Alabama Slammer
Arkansas Rickets
Arizona Diamondbacks
California Crackpot
Colorado Springs
Connecticut . . . uhhh? Damn, only thing I can think of that rhymes with
"cut" will get me branded as a misogynist by every woman out there. That
reminds me... Screenwriter's note: Indy should leave Marion bound and gagged in
desert tent.
Delaware Douchebag
Florida Vacations (Remember to book! Disney World fills up.)
Georgia Jetson
Hawaiian Punch.
Idaho Spuds??? Idaho Militia? On second thought, let's not go to
Idaho. 'Tis a silly place.
Iowa Cornshucker? Oatswallow? Look up other bumper crops. Note:
Soystalker too close to Skywalker.
Illinois Blues? Can't use Land 'o' Lincoln. But consider Lando for
something else -- Note: Billy Dee Williams not too happy about being named
General Token Blackstar, anyway. Solution?
Kansas Toto??? Forget it. Nobody would accept the name of a dog for the
world's greatest adventurer. Try K.C. Masterpiece.
Kentucky Bourbon
Louisiana Purchase
Maine Lobster Thermadors. Too fancy. Screw cholesterol and research topic
in-depth at Red Lobster.
Maryland Magdalene. Consider for heroine. Also have heroine hooked on
heroin. Vice adds conflict.
Massachusetts Senator -- pick one. Can never have enough friends in high
places.
Michigan J. Frog
Minnesota Winters
Mississippi Mudslide
Missouri Moonshine?
Missouri von Chug'n'smoke? Not kid family friendly enough. Consider
Missouris Branson.
Montana Max?
No good. Give it to Steven for that tiny toon thing he's workin' on.
Nebraska Nomanslaand? Nebraska Nothington? Where is Nebraska? Look up
on map when I get home.
Nevada Vander Hump? Too crappy. Wait... Craps Nevada? = perfect!
New Hampshires Granitecracker?
New Jersey Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt? Too German. New Jersey Watsamaddayu?
Sounds too Native American.
Newt Mexico
New York Knicks
North Carolina Krispee Kreme Kilarney. Stupid. No one's ever gonna know
what the hell a Krispee Kreme is. KKK initials may also be problematic...
North Dakotas Dirtdigger
Ohio Buckeyes? Ohio Good-bye? Ohio Rivers Valley?
Oklahoma Oral? Can convince Oral Roberts University that film is Ten
Commandments religious epic. Get more funding, bonus points from Jesus.
Oregon Trail (like computer game, hero can shoot squirrels to survive
harsh journey before succumbing to Consumption and being saved by flying
kamikaze super death angels from Dues ex Machina of the Lost Ark) Nah. Too
difficult... it's not like I can ever run a movie totally on my computers. Puh.
Pennsylvania Dutch. Note: Plans to call him Quaker Oats scratched
because company finds character decidedly not pacifistic.
Rhode Island Roundabout. Remember: Never drive there. Makes American
Graffiti look like Model T Racing.
South Carolinas Succotash
South Dakota Fanning? Nah. Steven's already tagged name for Future
Child Star Cloning project.
Tennessee Williams
Texas Hold'em
Utah Jazz? Utah Teetotaler. Utah Bigamy? Utah Salts Lake Effect? Donnie
Osmond? Note: Have secretary call Donnie Osmond and see if he's will to
change his name. If not, audition him for part. Cancel all calls to Tom
Selleck.
Vermont Cheddar. Needs more bite. Consider Sharp Cheddar.
Virginia Slim
Washington Double Venti Skim Vanilla Latte with Whip. Note to staff:
install coffee machine already!!!
Wisconsin Beer-Cheeses McFireworks Jr. Consider Steve's suggestion:
Milwaukee Talkies. Also tell Steve to replace walkie-talkies in E.T. screenplay
with guns -- or lollipops -- not sure which. No shooting, though. Dammit!
Just realized. Greedo should've shot first. Fix later.
West Virginia Squeal
Wyoming... ??? @#$% it. I don't know anyone from Wyoming and I'm not sure
it exists.
Puerto Rico Rum
Runner. Eh... wait till state
gets ratified. Will be any day now.
Argh... running out of
ideas. Expand list...
Philly Cheesesteak,
Minnesota Vikings, Charleston Chewie, Atlanta Braves, Chicago Deep-Dish, Denver
Dolittle, Grand Canyon, Omaha O'Maverick, Nashville Nazinator, Lansing Luvs
Leatherjacket, Fargo Fedora, Tippecanoe Tophat, Juno Jr., Flint Fredstone, Krix
Nadine, Anchorage Archeol O'gist, Pasedena Popajaw, Frisco Kid, Santa Fe Scenes
Stealer, Nawlins Gumbo, Jambalaya Johnson, Kalamazoo Krautkiller, Charlotte
Chiselchest, Wichita Wicket, Seattle Slew, Yakima Smack, Walla Walla Whipping
Boy, Tulsa T. Tombraider, Gary Gestopper, Indianapolis Necropolis Pawned ???
Wait... forgot about
Indiana...
Uhhh... Indiana
Dunes? Indiana Beach? Indiana Hoosier? Indy 500? Indiana Jacket? Indiana
Jock? Indiana Jock Strap? Indiana Jar-Jar?
Wait...
Find name of UCLA film
teacher who gave me a D+ on my original Star Wars script.
Professor Henry Jones.
PERFECT!
Indiana Jones.
Note: First name should
be based on some family pet. Most likely turtle. Maybe a duck... named
Howard. Better than Walton, anyway.
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