DARK KNIGHT DONE RIGHT
The Dark Knight
(not to be confused with highly acclaimed
Martin Lawrence period piece, Black Knight) ups the ante significantly
from its predecessor, Batman Begins (which shouldn't be confused with
Martin Lawrence's other masterpiece, Bad Boys, even though the two films
share a startling similarity in their double use of the letter 'B'). Now for
those women and children who were scared away from seeing the latest Batman film
because of the rumors about it being too dark, let me clear the air. This is
not the darkest film of the past decade. This is the darkest thing we as a
species have ever produced PERIOD. How dark is it? It's so dark that it makes
Requiem for a Dream look like Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue. It
makes The Killing Fields look like Field of Dreams. Really, there
are guerilla cannibal warlord drug dealers in the Amazonian jungle who can't
help but put down their half gnawed femur bones in the middle of their Dark
Knight sitting and say with slack-jawed astonishment, "Jesus, that's
harsh." Need more convincing? Let me say this: The Wall Street Journal
and the Republican Party are both heralding this movie as a champion of
conservative virtues and a secret endorsement of the Bush Doctrine. Yeah, it's
THAT DARK.
It's also a taught urban
thriller -- a deep, socioeconomic treatise on the nature of good and evil, power
and politics, reason and madness. A virtual snapshot of the knife upon which we
as a civilization stand. A powerhouse package that's been praised as a smart,
edgy, uncompromising dark ride by critics everywhere, raising the bar for both
superhero films and their fans across the globe. Needless to say, I see it as a
colossal missed opportunity.
Oh, sure, this is an epic
expose on the pathos of our cherished pulp fiction gods and monsters. But
where's the fun? Where's the pizzazz? Where's the twelve minutes of Batman
climbing up stairs? As it stands, this is a decidedly stairless movie. This
movie's like 2 hours and 40 minutes long. Would it have killed director
Christopher Nolan to include an extra twenty minutes devoted to Batman hauling
his tights up a bell tower? And why not toss in seven minutes of the Joker
waltzing around like a contestant for Celebrity Couples Ballroom Dancing? Sure,
the sonar vision fight sequence in the abandoned skyscraper was fun, but
Batman's always in a rush. People need to breathe.
You know what this movie
needs? A Chris Tucker performance. Yes, if ever there was a film that required
the magical touch of Tucker, this is it. Morgan Freeman is busy enough
narrating his way through every movie on the planet, so why not give the
Luscious Fox role to Tucker? Heck, make it a duel role and give him Robin.
Only spell it all ghetto, like RAWB-N. And turn the 'R' around backwards,
cause that looks cool. Then watch as these two bust some moves as they bust some
head.
And how come Batman doesn't
go-go dance anymore? In the old days, he had the good old Batusi. In
the first few minutes of this film, the caped crusader encounters an entire
troupe of copycat bat vigilantes in Halloween costumes and simply ties them up
and tells them to go away. You've got to be kidding me. All those guys in
Batmen suits and not one of them thought to start a conga line? Come on!
There's an act if ever I saw one! Get a chorus line going. Let's see some
legs!
On the bright side, at least
The Scarecrow shows up again. Finally! Retribution for his interrupted curtain
call in Batman Begins. This time, he's rounded up in a grueling two
minute scurry of ... driving away! The CAD. Fortunately, Batman has the
answer. He... sits on his car! Now that's the sort of epic fight I'm talking
about! That beats the minute and a half it took to taser his butt in the first
one by about thirty seconds. What an encore!
Still, something's missing.
Batman simply leaves the Scarecrow tied up with the other vigilantes. Again, I
cannot stress how much this scene needs a song and dance number. Why not add a
little girl in a checkered gingham dress, carrying a dog in a picnic basket?
She can wander through the garage on her way to see The Wizard...
GIRL
"Why, Mr. Scarecrow, what do you want?"
SCARECROW
"I want to see the Wizard! So he can give me a
toxic nerve serum which will bring about everybody's darkest, most deepest fears
so that I may ravage their minds and become master of the universe!"
Then she can let him down
and they can do some charming Fred Astaire routines. You know -- until he
blasts her with a cloud of fear gas and she starts screaming hysterically about
tornadoes and flying monkeys.
Sadly for tap enthusiasts,
the film seems more obsessed with The Joker. Oh, make no mistake, he's an
interesting guy to watch. Something like a cross between Gene Simmons and
Ronald Macdonald's drunken grandma. He robs banks, tortures vigilantes, blows
up hospitals, and finds new and impeccably squishy places to store pens. But
again, it seems like he's trying too hard. Really, a simple balloon animal
would've sufficed.
Unfortunately, he can't hold
a candle to Commissioner Gordon. Oh that's right. The scariest thing in this
film isn't Heath Ledger at all, it's Hollywood's go-to freaky guy, Gary Oldman.
He plays a monster beyond depraved: a virtuous family man who diligently
sacrifices himself for the higher calling of his duty and his loved ones!
Eww. Shudder. I swear. It's like he wants us to think he's human. He's not,
of course. He's Gary Oldman. And just watching him tenderly embrace his wife
while stroking his child's soft, angelic cheek as if he had genuine, human
emotions simply takes me to strange and foreboding places in my stomach.
Believe me, it took a number of cold showers after getting home to wash that
off. You're a dark, dark man, Christopher Nolan, and you've created a dark,
dark movie. But I digress.
Anyway, getting back to the
Joker! He wants to be taken seriously -- which is a bit of a problem when your
tagline is, "Why so serious?" Early on, he busts in on a gang of mobsters and
tells them that their money guy -- a Chinese National named Mr. Lao -- will
inevitably squeal. If only they would allow him to viciously kidnap, murder,
and terrorize any innocent who doesn't cough up the Batman, his allies, and
District Attorney Harvey Dent, then everything would go back to the way it was.
Yeah, I know. That's pretty dark. But wait a second... a whole gang of
mobsters? Hey, that's another chorus line! Seriously, why not have them sing
their troubles away to the tune of How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?
MOBSTERS:
How do you solve a problem like a D.A.?
How do you catch a cop and beat him down?
How do you find a way to whack a D.A.?
A kinky ignition? A bomb in the engine? A clown!
And for you R&B fans out
there, did I mention that there was a collection of African American gang bosses
in pinstripe suits? What a perfect opportunity to have the gangbangers rebuke
the Joker with the soft, sensual, finger snapping renditions of Boys II Men.
GANGBANGERS:
Although we've come to the End Of The Joke
Still I can't stand this ho'.
It's unnatural, this clown bothers me, and I promise you
He'll Come to the End of the Road
Heck, you know what? Just
turn the whole darn thing into a musical. Harvey Two Face can sing I've
Grown Accustomed To My Faces. Bruce Wayne's torn girlfriend, Rachel Dawes
can sing, I Don't Know How To Love Him. Mob boss Salvatore Maroni can
sing Send in the Clowns and the Joker's henchmen can sing, Make'em
Laugh! And if Batman can book vacations abroad, why not the Joker?
Have him take that busload of school kids he abducted and teach them how to sing
Do, Re, Mi, in the Alpine hills of Salzburg. Perhaps maybe even throw a
few off them off the Matterhorn. You know, just to keep it interesting.
Instead, Batman flies to
Hong Kong to pick up Mr. Lao and not once does he attempt to place a courtesy
call to fellow do-gooders Jackie Chan, Chow Yun Fat, or Hong Kong Phooey. The
last snub was particularly spiteful since Phooey is widely considered in most
circles to be Number One Super Guy.
Back in Gotham, things
escalate in every possible direction as Batman returns with a fist full of Lao
and belly full of Kung Pow Chicken. The Joker is soon let off his leash by a
cornered mafia and everyone has to arrive at a do-or-die decision. Batman has
to decide whether he wants to give up the reigns to Gotham's White Knight,
Harvey Dent. Rachel has to decide between loving Bruce as a vigilante or
Harvey as a District Attorney. And everyone within earshot has to decide
whether Alfred's pep talks about his time spent indiscriminately burning
villagers in the Burmese jungle is a cause for concern.
Meanwhile, The Joker has to
figure out how to get his story arc back, and as such, declares all out war on
Batman's love triangle. This all comes to fiery head in the middle of the movie
with a ten minute truck chase through the subterranean realms of Lower 5th
(played with Academy Award worthy gusto by Chicago's Lower Wacker Drive[i]).
And here's where Chris Tucker becomes indispensable...
For when Batman crashes in
the tunnels in front of a bunch of homeless people, somebody has to smack
them away. Somebody will have to shout: "HEY! WHAT'RE YOU DOIN'!? DON'T EVAH
TOUCH A BATMAN'S RADIO BOY!" That somebody is Chris Tucker. And when our
heroes pull out of the wreck in a streamlined Batcycle and head into oncoming
traffic? Chris can shake his head like an epileptic Chihuahua and yelp,
"BATMAN! YOU CRAZY! YOU CRAZY, BATMAN! BATMAN, LOOK OUT!" And who can resist
Tucker covering his eyes and letting out his best Fifth Element style
screech as The Dark Knight speeds directly into the headlights of the Joker's
truck? "OH HELL NO. HELL NO. BATMAN??? AAAAAAAAGH!!!"[ii]
Shockingly, though, the
filmmakers sidelined Tucker altogether and rendered the whole chase in
heart-stopping silence. I suppose it can't be helped if a talent like Tucker is
too out of your price range, but if you're going to shoot a multi-million dollar
car chase on Chicago's Lower Wacker Drive, the least you could do is toss in
some Blues Brothers music. And a little Benny Hill music would be
much appreciated. Really, Benny Hill music makes anything better. But
even without the aid of sexy saxophones, the mano y mano fight between
The Joker and The Dark Knight in the steel canyons of Gotham is still pretty
keen.[iii]
And to top it off, a giant big rig flips over and crashes on its back with an
earth shattering KABOOM!
CUE CHRIS TUCKER DOING A
RUSH HOUR STYLE SUPER BOWL DANCE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!
Sadly the film never gets
quite that colorful. Which reminds me. How come Batman always has to wear
black? Boring! Three words: novelty belt
buckle. Get a giant leather strap and a Texas sized clip on that thing.
Maybe some bullhorns. Or a lasso which says LONESTAR in the middle. At the
very least, DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS. And start appealing to the little people!
Maybe slap on an inspirational Obama T-shirt or something. And look at that
cape! Soulless, black, the size of a billboard. That's just wasted ad space!
This guy need corporate sponsors. When that cape opens, it should read "Always
~ Coca-Cola" or "Great Taste ~ Less Filling." Why not go literal and
do a tie in with Viagra? Maybe, "Keep It Up ~ Longer!" Let me tell you,
if I had a six foot black bat barreling down on me with a cape that promised to
deliver "rock hardness for hours on end," I'd poop myself with fear.
In the end, a lot rides on
the Joker's sadistic choice as he forces two rigged ferries to choose between
which boat should blow the other up. That's pretty bad. Though, it would've
been made much more frightening if he presented them with a real sadistic
choice. Like, let's say, choosing between watching Joel Schumacher's Batman
and Robin or Halle Barry's Catwoman. Guaranteed the stakes would be
higher and the death count insurmountable. But the very idea of subjecting
anyone to that sort of horror would garner the film an NC-17 rating. And,
really, this Batman is dark enough. We'll just have to make do with Harvey
Dent's tragic fall from grace or Bruce's countless life or death moral decisions
-- the only real outcome of which is pain.
If this all sounds like a
rope swinging good time, then good for you! Obviously you've proven you have
the testicular fortitude and complete, soulless moral vacuum with which operate
in this urban nightmare of killer clowns and rubber fetishists[iv].
I, myself, will be seeing the film at least a thousand times -- cause, you know,
it's probably one of the best superhero movies ever made. Plus, that truck
thing is pretty darn cool.
But I'll be humming my
Benny Hill music the whole way. And in the little theater running inside my
head, everything will be just right.
[i]
Oh, sure, Lasalle Street gets all the credit because it has that
fetchingly standoffish Board of Trade building that makes everybody
standing in the middle of the road look cool. But let's be honest, that
street's a whore.
[ii] Speaking of The Fifth Element,
Gary Oldman's clean-cut Jim Gordon could've really benefited from a
greasy Mohawk comb-over protruding out of a cheap, transparent plastic
yamaka. Or at least a Victorian top-hat and some stylish John Lennon
glasses to go with a Satanic goatee. But I'm just really splitting
hairs.
[iii] You hear that, Lasalle? I gave you
your nod. Slut.
[iv] Or, at least, the streets of Detroit.
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) but this review sux. If everything in it was really done, the movie would be "Batman & Robin 2", with the same quality. I know what "sarcasm" is, but you're using it too much on this review. 
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I always found it strange that Christian Bale decided to still use the King Kong Batman voice even when he was totally alone talking to Lucius. Now there would be another great Chris Tucker moment. "No please, man, I'm black too, I'm a dark knigger, brother, AIIIIIEE!"
But still if Chris Tucker was in the film, I think the chance of him and Gary Oldman meeting would be too high. Having Commisioner Gordon thank Tucker for his work in the black community and his tasteful racial humour would cause a record number of midmovie departures.